Jealous of his bestfriend

Continues:

He was going to put distance between them, because he didn't wanted to lose me or put our relationship in danger for something that was not true. He said that I meant a lot to him and he haves never been interested in this girl, at least not in a romantic/sexual way, just as friends. He said that he will never like a girl like her, with such a problematic and chaotic life, and that he just talks and hangs out with her to help her out with all her drama and problems, but that's it. He said that he had never cheated me with her and that he doesn't have any feelings for her, just the ones of a friend that cares.

But he said, that he didn't wanted this to affect us and that if it bothered me so much then he will stop talking and hanging with her as much.
Well, he really tried to do it, but the girl went CRAZY. She was texting him 24/7, she called him crying, when he didn't responded she kept asking his friends about him (his whereabouts, what was he doing, how is he, etc.) and she kept writing facebook status directed towards him, she write a LONG letter to him on his fb wall... So, he had to block her from all his social networks and from his phone.

But, even though he cut all contact with her and he deny ever cheating or having feelings for her. I still have so many doubts and that's why I need your help guys: What do you think about all this? Do you really thing that they were just friends or was there something else? Do you think he cheated or had feelings for her? was he being honest? was I just being paranoid or was I right to have suspicions? Can men and woman really be just best friends witout it scalating to something else? Please give me your imputs

Well it seems you were the third wheel in this situation.

Why not talk to her, maybe have a sit down with her and the boyfriend. You'll get all the answers you need.

Go back and read your own words. Starting at "Every time we were hanging out he kept talking about her ALL the time"

They were in a relationship. Somewhere along the way you became the OTHER woman. This guy had a relationship right up under your nose, wow.

He dumped her out of guilt/pressure most likely. And I use the word dumped lightly, more than likely he's still communicating with her.

I think both of you handled the situation very well. Like too people that truly care about each other should. You were right for letting him know that their relationship was making you feel uncomfortable. I never bought into the idea that two straight people of the opposite sex could actually be just friends. IMO, These type of relationships usually fall Into one of four categories.

1) A romantic interest has only been expressed by one person and not reciprocated by the other.
2) Someone is already in a committed relationship, preventing anything from going further.
3) They tried and failed to settle into a relationship, but mature enough to remain friends.
4) There is an attraction by one or both individuals, but has never been expressed out of shyness, fear or feelings of inadequacy.

I say dump his ass. Or get a really close "guy friend " and see how he likes it.

He clearly has co dependence problems and bad boundaries.

Just feel sorry for him because I doubt he'll ever notice his issues. You deserve someone normal.

There is a possibility that there was an illicit affair, especially since the girl seems to be so heartbroken over him ending the relationship. I do think he cares more for you than the other girl. He has made your feelings the priority, which is a good sign. I agree with Tiki, you should try and talk to the other young lady. But don't do it behind his back. He will most likely resent you for that.

I'm in a relationship with a guy who has a female best friend and it makes me uncomfortable. They live 1000 miles away from each other though. They keep in contact almost daily through text. We went out last night and he spent a good part of the night texting her. Telling me that she misses him so much and they just seen each other the day before when he visited the city where she stays. sigh. The trip was work related. He made no contact with me the entire time he was there. It's definitely a topic he and I will have to discuss soon. We've only been dating exclusively for less than one month, so I don't expect him to suddenly drop a 5+ year friendship for me just yet. I'm watching his interactions with her closely, storing mental notes for future reference.

Maybe he saw her as just a friend and she developed feelings for him. ??
There are a lot of women who don't care if a guy already has a girlfriend.

Either way. He is making a big effort to make you happy and that should be noted.

I wouldn't talk to her about it at all. That's his job.

Creative if it walks like a duck, quack like a duck, it's a duck...

Girl (friends) are stepping on the REAL GIRLFRIENDS territory, it's really okay to ask him to dump her in my opinion. She need to get her own man and stop using your boyfriend as a girlfriend with benefits.

True I actually don't see eye with you on this one (that makes me sad) lol

but no seriously, I do believe it's perfectly okay for her to sit them both down and get the answers she needs if the woman he's avoiding is cracking up over him and won't go away. There is some truth that has to be revealed. He can't lie if she's/both of them are right there in front of his face.

"He can't lie if she's/both of them are right there in front of his face"

I didn't think about it from ^^that angle.

Yes, it IS suspicious, I'm just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt (some men really are clueless). I guess only the OP could tell us how experienced with women this man is - his history would tell us a lot.

The "friend" is acting extremely suspicious. Most friends of guys back off when the guy has girlfriend to ensure there isn't any doubt (yet, that's usually when they were friends before he got a girlfriend. I figure it's obvious this girl has feelings for him. (Duh! Right?)

Now as far as he goes, he very well could be thinking of her as a friend only, however, on the other hand, he could just as well be doing her on the side and lying about their relationship.

Still, though, he is making an effort to dump her and yes, it is very appropriate to speak up and ask him to do so. I can see the benefit confronting both of them together, but I wouldn't confront her just by myself because then it becomes a he said/she said situation.

Posted by camim20
But he said, that he didn't wanted this to affect us and that if it bothered me so much then he will stop talking and hanging with her as much.
Well, he really tried to do it, but the girl went CRAZY. She was texting him 24/7, she called him crying, when he didn't responded she kept asking his friends about him (his whereabouts, what was he doing, how is he, etc.) and she kept writing facebook status directed towards him, she write a LONG letter to him on his fb wall... So, he had to block her from all his social networks and from his phone.

Great...you finally told him and he agreed to stop. She's throwing a fit. Here's what you do.
Next time you are with him, ask him to make an immediate arrangement to see her TOGETHER. If he does not do this, then the very chance you can, you go to her without warning. Let her know that this shit needs to stop, and he is doing as you requested, she needs to back off. One of two things will happen...
She will tell you something happened between them or
She will act like she's backing off and won't.


...if she tells you something happened between them, you get your cell out call him and put the phone on speaker and make her repeat it. (you'll pretty much know at this point and confirm if she is lying or not)

...if she tells you she's backing off but doesn't, ask your bf if you can answer her texts/calls and tell her again to stop. Might piss her off, but she'll get the message. Hell, I'd even have a conversation with her boyfriend if it doesn't stop..but if it still doesn't stop..walk the hell away from the b.s. Something else is going on.

You also need to take responsibility for keeping your mouth shut for so long and allowing this to escalate the way it did. There's ways to communicate with your boyfriend without coming across like a jealous lunatic. Good luck.

I agree with that True, also let's say he didn't cross the line sexually, well clearly boundaries have been crossed, how far the boundaries were crossed we/she may never know.

Eh, considering how easily he dropped her and even blocked her on Facebook when she went nutso is a really good sign. Is the possibility of cheating something that happened? Maybe. But if he's truly dropped her, isn't communicating with her, and has blocked her, I'm leaning toward him telling the truth.

How many times have you seen guys REFUSE or sneak around, keeping in touch with a female like this? They flip the tables and throw the girlfriend on the defense, downplaying her feelings and making her appear crazy.

The fact that this guy did the opposite and acted accordingly says a lot, imo.

However, HER on the other hand... I think she may have gotten too emotionally invested, given her reaction. She could just be one of those emotional/needy leech type individuals who rely on everyone else to keep them straight. The boyfriend did admit she's a bit of a trainwreck and isn't dating material. She's been using him as a counselor and a stand in boyfriend. She may not be able to handle being alone so she has to cling to someone.

I do agree that you should probably have all 3 of you sit down and talk about this. It'd be interesting to see what'd really happen. Given her reaction that you saw already, it'd be reeeally interesting to see what she'd say. If you do agree to this, have him tell her to meet him some place, but don't bring up that you'll be there. Her reaction when she sees you will say a lot as well.

Posted by rockyroadicecream
Eh, considering how easily he dropped her and even blocked her on Facebook when she went nutso is a really good sign. Is the possibility of cheating something that happened? Maybe. But if he's truly dropped her, isn't communicating with her, and has blocked her, I'm leaning toward him telling the truth.

How many times have you seen guys REFUSE or sneak around, keeping in touch with a female like this? They flip the tables and throw the girlfriend on the defense, downplaying her feelings and making her appear crazy.

The fact that this guy did the opposite and acted accordingly says a lot, imo.

You have a point there. However, she allowed this to go on for some time not saying a word. When she finally did say something...the normal reaction is exactly what he did. 50/50 imo.

OP, please keep us posted on what happens.

IMO, he is not cheating on you. Capricorn men will use other women against you to she is you really care for them. He is just seeing how much YOU want and love him. She doesn't mean anything to him. Of course, you didn't speak your peace in the beginning gave him a reason to have a bit of freedom. I don't honestly believe his freedom was to cheat on you with her though, I beleive his freedom was to be around another woman so he doesn't feel he is with one woman and can never see or talk to another.

The teasing you with another woman is his motto. LOL! He wanted you to get furious to react in anger. Once you did get furious and set your boundary, he stepped up to stop the interaction with her. He is not hiding anything. He told you he doesn't romantically have feelings for her sexually he meant it.

I personally wouldn't confront him with the other woman. He is changing his actions, respecting your wishes so I would leave it alone. Leave the past alone and move on...

Oops, I meant to say to see if you really care for them. Sorry about the typo. P.S. Yikes I have been with a Cap for 18 years now. So I know how they operate honestly.

Posted by Sag89
I say dump his ass. Or get a really close "guy friend " and see how he likes it.

Seriously. I'm not a jealous person but none of that sounds okay on his part or her part.

If he really is that oblivious...then idk

I disagree that opposite sex friendships can't be strictly platonic. 1 of my best friends is a male, & even if the attraction was there, all that matters is that neither of us have EVER sensed it OR acted on it for 12 years.

It's kind of like when your man sees an attractive girl. You know that he may be attracted to her, think she's pretty or maybe even have some dirty thoughts. BUT trust isn't about making all attractive women disappear. Trust is about trusting that when your man is around something attractive that he'll respect you & establish some boundaries. Huge difference.

Or vice versa. There could be some crazy stalker chick that really wants your man, BUT since you nor him can control how others feel about him, all that matters is that when HE faces temptation (even if it's 1-sided & isn't mutual), that he does the right thing.

Do I think he cheated on her with you? It's possible. That's always going to be a probability whether it's with a opposite sex "friend" or complete stranger

Do I think he's truly into her? No.
Do I think he's crossed some boundaries with her? Absolutely
Do I think you're over-reacting? No. It's 1 thing to come into a situation/relationship already insecure. It's another thing to become insecure only after your partner has provoked an insecurity.

Do I think she's into him? Definitely.

Do I think he secretly knew before you said something that she was into him? Absolutely. It's common for a man to say "oooh babe it's nothing!" when he knows that an attraction isn't mutual, & if he trusts himself, he may not feel it's appropriate to remove himself from the situation unless and until HE feels himself wanting to slip up & do something inappropriate. Not saying it's right. Just saying that some people have this mentality.

Do I think that he values his relationship with you? Yes. He did everything he possibly could to fix & rectify the situation. Don't confuse her unwillingness to stop crossing the line with his actions. It's 1 thing to criticize him for the suspicious behavior leading up to the blowout, but it's unfair of you to criticize him for HER actions AFTER he's removed himself from her & the situation.

What should he do? He should put this "friend" in her place, tell her to stop contacting him out of respect for you both, & cut her off completely. If you need him to verify through her that there was no funny business going on, then so be it, if it means giving you some peace of mind so that you 2 finally put it behind you & move on.

Some may say, "Well if you trust him, you shouldn't have to have her verify if there was an affair going on or not." BUT when trust has been breached, your partner can't expect for you to go about a situation as if you still trust them.

Now once, you get the answers you want, THEN take his word for it, move on & put it behind you. But if he's serious about getting your trust back, he's gonna have to suck it up & give you whatever reassurance you need even if doing so puts him in an uncomfortable predicament temporarily

I also agree with the others that him dropping her & not looking back (so far) is a good sign. Does it rule out the possibility of him cheating? NO. But does it lower the probability that he did cheat? Yes.

What matters now is that he truly gets that it is NOT ok for him to continue a friendship with anyone (male or female) if he starts getting clues that his relationship is not being respected or taken into consideration. If he cut her off "for you" instead of doing it b/c he truly "get its" then it'll just happen again...either with her again or with another/new female friend. So what really matters now is that you gage whether or not he truly gets it.

Everyone isn't gonna respect your relationship. You can't change that nor control that. That's why the people INSIDE the relationship have the responsibility to notice the signs & act on the signs (even if that means cutting folks off). Any advances on other's part after that isn't significant IF you both put a solid unbreakable ring around the relationship.

If you're his top priority, then your feelings & the fixing of a problem that bothers you oughta be his #1 priority. And from what you've told us so far, it looks like he's proven where his loyalty is. It's with you.

Trust me, he could've just as easily turned this around on you & tried the reverse psychology trick of trying to make you think you were just insecure, crazy or overreacting. He didn't so my opinion is that the lack in establishing boundaries was the problem, not cheating.

Hi guys 🙂
Sorry for not responding sooner, but I've been reading all your answers.
First of all thank you for your help, I will tell you the decision I made and give you a little update on the situation.

I took the decision to forgive him and try to move on.

He might have cheated or maybe he didn't, that is something that I will never know for SURE and I guess I will have to trust him on this one. The truth is that I don't want to give up on our relationship -which aside from this problem haves been great so far- for a possibility that is not 100% certain.

I agree with the ones who pointed out to me that he's reaction was a good one. He could have make me sound like I was crazy or turn things around on me, but instead he acknowledged his mistake and took corrective measures and that says a lot about his priorities as krysrenee7 said.

I still have lots of insecurities from this incident, but that is something that I am willing to work out with him.

As for the confrontating the girl I won't do it until it is strictly necessary: i.e. if she ever texts, calls or contacts him while I am there, then I'll be the one who answers and lets her know that enough is enough.

Also @LetItB, you are right and thank you for telling me that I am PARTLY responsible for letting things go this far. I kept silent for a very long time and maybe if I had speak up sooner things would have never escalated the way they did. So I do take the responsibility for not establishing my boundaries and I will try to improve in my communication with him from now on.

*UPDATE:
The girl have stoped contacting as much. She have a new boyfriend (hopefuly he'll entertain her) BUT he is an acquaintance of us! uhh and he sent me an e-mail a few days ago, asking me why did I "FORBADE" my boyfriend to hang out with his girlfriend, saying that it was not fair with them and that I shouldn't harm their friendship! :O I was so surprised. I decided to NOT answer anything and just ignore it, because honestly it is none of his business! I did what I thought was right for me and my relationship and I should not have to explain myself to others, that is between me and my boyfriend and no one else should be meddling.

As for me and my boyfriend we are good, he haves cut all contact with her and he avoids her at social gatherings (it gets very awkward). Also his friends have told me several times now that he didn't cheated but they are his friends so they'll say anything to make him look good xD. That's it for now guys, I'll keep you updated if something important happens

Sounds to me like you are in la-la-land ... in serious delusion


A good friend isn't easily dumped, at YOUR bidding ... because you're not shit compared to a bestie.


and everyone knows that, because everyone has besties.


Which means, you are being pacified, and it looks like you are doormatty enough to be pacified.


You even stated yourself: "because honestly it is none of his business" ..... when the whole point of this thread was to convey to us that it should be your business because he's YOUR boyfriend.


The reality here is .... you're not important enough to matter, and you know it, that is why you are side stepping and saying it's none of your business.


All along, while reading this (before we get to your last posts of updates) I was thinking ... you're equivalent to her, maybe less, and that is reason why you quietly sit on the sidelines sulking. Because a REAL girlfriend would have stood the fuck up the moment another woman came into the picture. You didn't do that .... you sit there like a rug, and that's not normal for a girlfriend.


It is normal for a side piece who has no say-so, however.



So, here's the bottom line. He keeps you quiet in the side lines, at his bidding, and you wait like a good little dog, and mind your own business.

Meanwhile, she is the one who has ALWAYS had his attention.

So, that means SHE is his woman of choice ... and you are second choice.

But, as you already know, so long as you are quiet and obeying ... he will consider you.



:::: shakes head ::::



I thank my lucky stars everyday that I'm an American woman, and not some fucking inferior doormat.

Posted by camim20
*UPDATE:
:O I was so surprised. I decided to NOT answer anything and just ignore it, because honestly it is none of his business! I did what I thought was right for me and my relationship and I should not have to explain myself to others, that is between me and my boyfriend and no one else should be meddling.

Girl, don't pay P-Angel any attention. He criticizes but his advice is counterproductive & non-credible b/c his criticism is never constructive. He types a whole lot but really says a whole bunch of NOTHING.

You did the right thing. What rules/boundaries you establish in YOUR relationship are your business. They are not to be explained, defended or open for debate or negotiation to outsiders.

There's no way in hell that girl's new boyfriend knows the entire story, bc if he did, he'd immediately put himself in your shoes & def. wouldn't have appreciated another guy slobbering all of his girl neither!

The fact that she's making YOUR man important in her whole new relationship with someone else speaks volumes & confirms that your instincts about her liking your man were true. Even though she's with someone new, she still can't help but to keep the chatter going to keep YOUR man relevant in her life. If I was her partner, I would've saw right through that, like um, you're with me sooooo why are you still so focused on them?!

Let's be realistic here. All friendships aren't true friendships meant to last a long time. And friendships where there is hidden lust, self-seeking agendas & boundaries not being respected are NOT friendships worth holding onto. If this girl was a true friend to either of you, we wouldn't be having this conversation. So don't let anyone make you feel bad for disposing of those who secretly never respected you or your relationship

Of course there's a little bit of insecurity left. The situation is over but the fallout is still there. Normal. It will go away once boundaries & trust have been restored. It may take awhile, but it will happen as long as he stays within the boundaries AND you build back up the trust within you towards him as he's consistently staying true & respectful to you

Good luck =)

Posted by krobe03
IMO, he is not cheating on you. Capricorn men will use other women against you to she is you really care for them. He is just seeing how much YOU want and love him. She doesn't mean anything to him. Of course, you didn't speak your peace in the beginning gave him a reason to have a bit of freedom. I don't honestly believe his freedom was to cheat on you with her though, I beleive his freedom was to be around another woman so he doesn't feel he is with one woman and can never see or talk to another.

The teasing you with another woman is his motto. LOL! He wanted you to get furious to react in anger. Once you did get furious and set your boundary, he stepped up to stop the interaction with her. He is not hiding anything. He told you he doesn't romantically have feelings for her sexually he meant it.

I personally wouldn't confront him with the other woman. He is changing his actions, respecting your wishes so I would leave it alone. Leave the past alone and move on...

WOW!My Capman did this kind of thing-he showed me his new ipad,when we were out for a pizza,we went on several sites and i asked to go on Facebook.
He opened his messages on facebook and i saw a message from his former girlfriend saying:,,i miss you so much-)"from beggining of March.Of course i've got red face and got crossed a bit-we had a change of words,not too meany from my part,he was quite content,not upset or scared of showing me that.he asked me if i want him to erase her from his friends,i said is his option.I think was his little game,to see how i react.I said to him,i will not argue with women from his past,i will just back off until he is figuring out with his ex.He said she is history,they didnt talk for 7 months and has no interest to talk wih her;''maybe she had a bad day'',he said.