Bachelor parties: YAY or NAY? (Page 2)

As to the idea that we simply adapt to our environment... yes we do, but you take it too far. Programs like "The Colony" and to some extent "Survivor" (I have never seen it so I am basing this off what I hear) show that people can adapt and survive in environments we are not familiar with. In extreme environmental change humans are greatly adaptable and will find a way. After natural disasters people exhibit behaviors that they would not normally have. Normal citizens turn to looting, fighting, anything in the name of self-preservation... whatever they can get away with. In this respect I agree with what you have said; however, going to a party is not a radical enough change to warrant a real change in a person. It may give someone the feeling that they can let down guards and do what they want but it does not change who the person really is.

Posted by krysrenee7
1. It's no different than parents & their teens. A parent knows that it's a natural human cycle for teens to start changing their ways/attitudes/behaviors the minute they are around other teens who engage in activities they aren't used to and/or are possibly curious about. Parents aren't wrong in making sure they do all they can to keep their kids away from certain atompsheres (drugs, sex, etc.) Nor are the parents always insinuating that they don't trust their kids to make the right choices. BUT, realistic parents look the hell around & realize that while yes it sucks that sometimes their teens can "follow the pack" of their friends & their environment, THIS IS human nature.

Once again, you are not his mother or babysitter. Comparing men to children and teens is slightly insulting. Children and teens are still developing their inner character. A man already has it. Parents are supposed to support and help shape their children into functional adults, spouses or boy/girlfriends shouldn't have to.

Posted by buttercupSG
it's not my job to change a pig into a horse.

Absolutely!

Posted by buttercupSG
my job is to be a better and wiser person myself.

click to expand

You are correct, worrying about YOU is always the winning proposition because you are growing yourself.

I didn't set any limitations or boundaries because I didn't feel the need to. If you have established trust, you shouldn't need to try to control someone like that. And if you haven't established that level of trust, you shouldn't be getting married.

Just my .02. 🙂

Absolutely Sea Siren. I know there have been comments made about trusting someone 100% , etc. I don't trust ANYBODY 100% except my mom. Period. With that being said, it takes a LOT for anybody to gain my trust, whether it's friends, colleagues or a man. Once you have gotten in there, then I will assume you will handle the responsibility of whatever % of trust I've given you. If you mess that up, then guess what? I'm gone! Again, I said it before, it's not black & white, but for me, it is. I don't have the time, desire, or inclination to be skulking about wondering what the hell a man is doing at any given time; whether it's a bachelor party or just a "night out with the boys." Either they are going to WANT to be in a relationship with me, or they aren't. As Asleep said, IF, I ever decide to get married (which isn't highly likely), I will hopefully have a modicum of respect within that relationship to take that person at face value. If they lose that trust, then shame on them; until proven otherwise, they will be treated as an adult - meaning, I'm not babysitting their a $ $ . If they lose my trust, then they have to go.

Posted by ianthefish
have any of you ever wondered why you cant hold a man down?

🙂

Why do people feel the need to celebrate their last night of singleness, anyway? Trust or no trust.. It's not like you're walking the plank, you just found the BEST friend you will ever have in the world. If you're THAT much into each other, it's really no cause for celebration. It's basically just another drunken party..lol Break the rules of boring, sterotypical tradition and have a memorable night together with ONE big burn out..lol You'll probably have loads more fun anyway.

anyway, it's 2010, last time i checked .. do things "your" own way .. (or however you "as a couple" are n'sync with..)

People keep saying, "If I feel/know my man isn't trustworthy then I wouldn't be with him" & this makes no sense considering most women WON'T know until it's too late & once the trust has been betrayed. Granted, some women see the "signs" early on and/or know from experience with their partners whether or not their man is trustworthy, BUT not every woman who has been cheated on/betrayed assumed their partners were untrustworthy.

Even the smartest & most trusting women are sometimes suprised at how untrustworthy their man actually was. We ALL come into the situation ASSUMING that a man is trustworthy & this thought doesn't usually go away until the man actually does something that compromises the trust in the relationship. So why do you all assume that if your man were to cheat or betray the trust, that you would automatically know? Yes our intuitions are marvelous & often times are right BUT assuming that some fairy is always in the window alerting you to your man's potential wrong doings is just false & an even bigger slap to the face to all the women who listen VERY clearly to their intuition but yet STILL ended up being fooled.

I'm not saying that this is an issue a woman should worry about all day and/or pace around the floor all day about this, BUT like I've said before, it's just as WISE to atleast acknowledge that these things ARE happening every single day & these things are happening in the most supposed/assumed "trustworthy" relationships.

Posted by krysrenee7
People keep saying, "If I feel/know my man isn't trustworthy then I wouldn't be with him" & this makes no sense considering most women WON'T know until it's too late & once the trust has been betrayed. Granted, some women see the "signs" early on and/or know from experience with their partners whether or not their man is trustworthy, BUT not every woman who has been cheated on/betrayed assumed their partners were untrustworthy.

Betrayal will happen to everyone at one time or another in life. No matter what you do, you cannot avoid it completely. But you can control your reaction to it - i.e. when it happens, GET RID of the person, no excuses accepted, no exceptions! There are plenty of men in this world who are faithful, loyal partners. I have no sympathy for women who continuously take a cheating man back. It only perpetuates the behavior. Why on earth should they stop cheating if their woman is just going to continue letting them come back?

Posted by krysrenee7
We ALL come into the situation ASSUMING that a man is trustworthy & this thought doesn't usually go away until the man actually does something that compromises the trust in the relationship.

click to expand

Assuming trust? Maybe this is the problem. Trust is earned, not given freely, at least in my case. People I meet are generally considered guilty until proven innocent in my eyes. Yeah, this may seem cynical, but by the time they make it to my inner circle, they have my trust or they wouldn't be there. I don't understand how/why anyone would want to live in such an unstable environment where they feel they have to police their partner's every move. What a stressful nightmare!

"Betrayal will happen to everyone at one time or another in life. No matter what you do, you cannot avoid it completely. But you can control your reaction to it.."

"I don't understand how/why anyone would want to live in such an unstable environment where they feel they have to police their partner's every move. What a stressful nightmare!"

That's how I feel too Sea Siren. One of my Uncles used to say, "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst." Simply put, you can have the best intentions in the world, but you can never KNOW what's going happen, so be prepared for anything. That's why I've not been one of those women who've proclaimed, "My man would NEVER cheat," because the same person you are saying that too could very well be who your partner is cheating with.
The best line along the leaving someone when they cheat on you was from that movie, "Enough" with J. Lo. The husbands classic line (paraphrasing) "Good, now you know, so I don't have to sneak around anymore."
I've known countless women who've taken back their husbands/fiance's and boyfriends, time and time again that have been unfaithful to them and then they wander WHY the guy keeps cheating on them. I scratch my head that they just don't have a clue. I'm not saying the guy has a right to cheat on them at all, but when you allow that person back time and time again, your actions (or inactions) are in a way saying their ill treatment of you is ok. The first time, shame on them, the second/third/fourth time, shame on you.

"wander" = "wonder"
& you never know what's going "TO" happen.
(Dammit - I need that edit button!)

Posted by USCTaurusGal

I've known countless women who've taken back their husbands/fiance's and boyfriends, time and time again that have been unfaithful to them and then they wander WHY the guy keeps cheating on them. I scratch my head that they just don't have a clue. I'm not saying the guy has a right to cheat on them at all, but when you allow that person back time and time again, your actions (or inactions) are in a way saying their ill treatment of you is ok. The first time, shame on them, the second/third/fourth time, shame on you.

Yeah, I just don't get it either, USCTG. I realize that many of them may stay for the children, but that just effectively ruins their lives, too. Anyone with parents who did that can attest to what a horror-fest that is. I really think it's all about establishing precedents. My husband knows how I handle betrayal of that level. It's essentially, POOF! You no longer exist in my world. He's watched it happen with a former friend of mine. Not saying it wouldn't hurt like hell to let him go, but that is the only choice for me when it comes to liars and cheats. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than miserable with someone who doesn't really love me.

"I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than miserable with someone who doesn't really love me."

Word! I have a close guy friend who, to this day, still pines for the ONE woman who did NOT take his sh $ t. He had been with this woman for about 3 years. They lived together, he thought he could "step out" and do his thing, because she "loved him so much." Needless to say, she caught wind of what was/had transpired, and she politely packed all her crap and moved out within a week of hearing about it. She essentially told him, "I don't need to SEE you f@cking someone else, just the sheer hearing about it and your weak a $ $ lies is enough to show me you don't respect me or this relationship. I'm gone." She wouldn't return any of his calls or talk to him after that. The last thing he heard a few years ago was that she married some wealthy guy! LOL! I ain't mad at her 🙂 And the thing is, he has cheated on all of his women, and ALL of them knew/found out at some point and time, and NONE except this one left him; he ALWAYS left those women. It's crazy!

Oh I completely agree that if a person cheats, they obviously took the risk of losing you, thus it's only fair that once the cheating is discovered that they literally DO lose you.

And guys, it's not about policing someone's every move. Hell even as our own individualistic selves, there are some environments we'd all prefer to stay away from. It's not to say that we "can't handle" anything, BUT moreso that if we have nothing in common and/or don't plan on entertaining the types of things that HAPPEN in THOSE ENVIRONMENTS, we'd have no reason to place ourselves in those environments in the 1st place. I'm pretty sure all of us have our "preferences" and/or places/people/things we'd feel better on the inside if we stayed away from them.

Well, the same goes for our partners. It's not even so much about telling your partner where or not they can/can't go. It's about how one would feel if their partner's purposely placed themselves in environments they're either 1. Likely to change/adapt to (in a BAD way) in order to fit in to that environment 2. Not getting any benefit from, especially if specific environments aren't the "norm" for them. THAT's what it's about. That's why I used the strip club example. I wasn't implying that all bachelor parties are held at strip clubs. My point/question was: How would a woman feel if her man never found it necessary OR interesting to go to a strip club during the entire relationship but all of the sudden decided it was "ideal" all b/c of some tradition called a "Bachelor party?" If a man doesn't entertain strip clubs in his own spare time, why would he start to just b/c his buddy was about to get married? This scenario represents how some mindsets change the minute someone is placed in an "Unusual for them" environment. And to some, this is ALSO called "peer pressure" in it's finest! Guess it just depends on perspective

I am all for the bachelor party. I mean why not? My issue is just don't tell me the details because I want my own party. I want to be just like the hangover wake up and be running to my wedding. I want to require all my friends to burn the tapes and hide the pictures for all our marriages and relationships. I feel like if you don't trust him why bother marrying him?

I've always wanted to have strippers 🙂 male stippers lol
As long as there would be rules about it then it's okay with me if he has it, as long as I get what I want to. And I don't consider it cheeting really. I mean, we watch porn like things on tv almost every day. If porn doesn't change our relationship, should strippers? As long as there are rules of boundries I'm for the party!