Broken Relationships and how to fix them.

Posted by strudel
do the dad thing for saturn return at least.

Happy Birthday!

Posted by StillWater
I don't think you're alone in this issue. People usually don't notice the gaps in their life if they are busy until special occasions like birthdays, christmas, etc.

Many people find it hard to express their disappointments because they fear further rejection or fear a conflict.

They think it is easier to just end the relationship because this way they are not putting themselves on the line.

If you truly miss those individuals, then reach out to them and explain how difficult this process is for you but because you value them in your life, you want to find a way to make it work.

If you don't explain to people about why you just disappeared and apologize for it, then why would they take you back with open arms? If they hurt you by making you upset (may be even unknowingly) then you hurt them by cutting them from your life and that deserves an explanation.

There's no one perfect out there so if people upset you, give them the chance of making up for it. If they do make up for it then they are worth it, but if they don't then may be it's time to cut them off.

Also, another thing that helps me see the value in people is realizing IF suddenly all the people disappeared in the world, how lonely would it be! If you had to live completely ALONE for even a year, you would crave any human interaction, even a simple "hi". Then you realize the value of people and you have an equal responsibility to make the relationship prosper.

Here is some inspiration to help you reach that more forgiving part of yourself:

Posted by VenusStar
Giving them the silent treatment was my way of hurting them back.

Posted by VenusStar
Thanks, Damnata, I find that the "rough period" has gone on for a long time. I've always thought of broken as fixable but I get what you mean because not everything that is broken is fixable.

LetItB, yes I've been a victim but I had reason to be mad at everyone except for maybe the childhood crush. Giving them the silent treatment was my way of hurting them back. Whatever they did to me was perceived by me to be disrespectful and I thought anyone who would think that their particular action was okay didn't love or care about me and didn't respect me.

Someone explained to me long ago but I didn't listen, that my expectations of people were pretty unreasonable. I can't go through life expecting those close to me to never hurt my feelings or to upset me.

Posted by P-Angel

I get so tired of dealing with stupid people.

What is the milestone birthday? ... 10?


You created all your own bullshit ... sounds to me like you can't handle the bed you made, and so now you want to whine about how miserable it is.


Grow some fucking dignity for crying out loud, and stop being a sniveling twit because YOU created all of this .... you being in this position is all YOUR fucking fault.

Maybe we should be like animals and kill off our stupids at birth, so that we can make a stronger breed.

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by VenusStar
Thanks, Damnata, I find that the "rough period" has gone on for a long time. I've always thought of broken as fixable but I get what you mean because not everything that is broken is fixable.

LetItB, yes I've been a victim but I had reason to be mad at everyone except for maybe the childhood crush. Giving them the silent treatment was my way of hurting them back. Whatever they did to me was perceived by me to be disrespectful and I thought anyone who would think that their particular action was okay didn't love or care about me and didn't respect me.

Someone explained to me long ago but I didn't listen, that my expectations of people were pretty unreasonable. I can't go through life expecting those close to me to never hurt my feelings or to upset me.

I have a coffee cup that says: "Want to know how you can be proud of me every day? Lower your expectations".

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Posted by VenusStar

I used to tell people exactly how I felt when I was angry and sometime during college I just stopped. Definitely need to pick that up again so I don't bottle feelings inside.

Posted by krysrenee7
I'm not minimizing the pain & struggles you've gone through

But I feel as though you're minimizing your role/part in all of this, which completely sucks b/c acknowledgement = change, & once you've completed the 1st step in change, you'll regret all the time you spent sitting around & feeling sorry for yourself...time that you could've spent not being the victim, changing what you need to change in yourself & producing/experiencing much better, more healthy & more long-lasting results in your relations with others.

Those closest to you will disappoint you. Happens to everybody at some level. Parents. Kids. Boyfriends. Friends. Co-workers. Life will always be unfair. The only way to live it with a sane mind is to develop tools early on to help you continue navigating through it despite all the bads. If you have no mechanisms for how you can still enjoy meaningful relationships without having to run just b/c things aren't peachy 100% of the time, then that explains why you're so miserable.

You're an imperfect person with plenty of flaws & with an imperfect track record, but yet you run & allow valuable relationships/friendships to die all b/c they're imperfect & mess up sometimes too. You're no angel, but I bet you still feel deserving of love, friendship & trust from others, don't you?! If you think that you deserve a 2nd chance & to be loved although you've had your share of hurting others, why not give that same 2nd chance or mercy for those when the tables are turned?

By no means am I encouraging you to hang onto or miss relationships/friendships that were endlessly toxic. Just saying that once it becomes apparent that a person can't seem to keep anybody in their life (not even those who love them to death), that's the biggest indication that they're the problem, not everybody else.

Figure out what your demons are, where they originally came from & how to fix it. There is endless research, data & resources to fix just about every problem known to man. There are a million people in the world who do and have felt the way you do. Only difference b/w happy people & miserable people is that the happy people refused to be victims, took advantage of the resources out there to help them rise above it all, & made the change, whereas miserable people continue making excuses & blaming everybody else for where they are in life.

Trust me, it take

Posted by krysrenee7
.

Figure out what your demons are, where they originally came from & how to fix it. There is endless research, data & resources to fix just about every problem known to man. There are a million people in the world who do and have felt the way you do. Only difference b/w happy people & miserable people is that the happy people refused to be victims, took advantage of the resources out there to help them rise above it all, & made the change, whereas miserable people continue making excuses & blaming everybody else for where they are in life.

Trust me, it takes way less energy to get to do the homework on yourself than it takes to harp & feel sorry for your

Posted by Impulsv

Posted by VenusStar

No but instead of u cutting them off u can call them on their butter tell em u hurt due to their behavior n have a discussion.
The way I look at it. How many times have I hurt someone unintentionally. If I'm not told how am I supposed to know what I did wrong to correct. Not fair.

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Posted by Geminlove
:/ Aww, c'mon give OP a break...no ones perfect...

@VenusStar: you cant give ppl the silent treatment, atleast tell them the reason for you to cut of communication with them. I also have virgo rising...and sometimes i push away ppl unintentionally, i dont want others to see me hurt or upset. Its not a pride issue its just i feel like im burdening them. If you want to mend your relationship with someone then you need to forgive and forget their mistakes. People are made up of imperfections and you need to take the first step and be the bigger person...Its easier to hate and be angry than to be kind so i get your dilemma. You just have to take the first step ^-^ You rejected your crush indirectly? Whats that all about?

Posted by Gobshite
Sags are notorious for cutting people off, as soon as there's either a misunderstanding or disagreement, and they're usually too proud to make amends (even if the other person later holds out an olive branch). Couple your Sag moon with your Taurus (read: extremely stubborn) sun and you've got one hell of a mountain to climb.

If you don't like where you are now, with your personal relationships, you have to start making some personal changes. Instead of cutting people off and attempting to hurt them in the process, maybe you should start showing more tolerance, understanding and maturity. In other words, focus on getting a better handle on your pride.

Posted by krysrenee7
@Geminlove: You're right, we all make mistakes.

But when someone is asking for advice, the worst thing I feel a person can do is walk on eggshells around them, sugar coat things or leave out parts where personal responsibility may also lead to better results. Since she's the only one she can control, it's worth always looking in the mirror 1st when looking for ways to get better results in life.

I think she's probably like all of us in that she's been hurt by people who didn't necessarily deserve a 2nd chance. However, it's fair to assume that if someone can't ever keep lasting friendships or relationships in their life that some of that problem/responsibility most likely falls on them too.

When reading the original post, it came off like she was surrendering as the victim. Like she had given up & started to believe that she didn't deserve good long-lasting friendships/relationships. But at the same time, I sensed that she still had hope & still wants those things, but just doesn't know how. And that's ok. There really is no manual about life, love or family.

You just kinda go with the motions, hoping you're doing things the right way in accordance to the kind of results you want

And hey, sometimes our defense-mechanisms or strategies that we think are "protecting us" actually work against us. Giving the silent treatment & unforgiveness to others who aren't perfect may seem like the "safe" thing to do for the person who struggles to deal with rejection or disappointment in the moment. But in the long run, since it's naturally human for even the battered to still want to be loved, despite all their past troubles, all the "safety" in the world may keep them further apart from attracting good people, not closer.

And in that case, the cycle has to stop somewhere!

This is why I told her to dig deep inside herself & do her emotional homework. Not to bash or scold her. But b/c there's something there. There's a reason she shuts down immediately with no return. There's a root cause behind that. And if we're all telling her that the problem is always everybody else, it'll distract her from getting to the root of the problem within herself.