Did I overreact?

Hi -

I was in a 7yr relationship. He's 5 yrs older - no career/job, demotivated, spoilt (family's rich), irresponsible, no ambitions and smokes weed every day (since he was 18 - he's now 31). He was my 1st love & he relocated for me last yr as we had plans to get married.

The problem: We have a mutual female friend whom for yrs I thought of as a sister. Back in the days while I was at uni, we all hung out and toked together. Since I graduated and started my career (4 years ago) - I've been very anti-drugs and so tried to get my bf to quit & focus instead on finding a job (he had 1 job but lost it after 6 mnths because he used to go to work high/toke during his lunch break).

As I no longer join my bf and our mutual female friend when they go to score - I am usually at work - they've been hanging out more than I would like them to: He drives her around so she can do her shopping, runs her errands for her, picks her up & takes her to go hang out with his friends, call everyday, she discusses her bf problems to my bf (she is now single, her bf cheated on her), and vice versa. More importantly they plan and go together to score.

I cut off with this friend because: 1) she would lie to my face when I ask her if she was just on the phone to my bf, 2) say to my face that she will not ask my bf to go and score with him because she "knows how much I want him to quit & get his **** together" - but then next day they're together scoring, 3) she took him lingerie shopping for HER bf and asked my bf for his advice (WTF?!)

I may be over reacting but I feel that she is blatantly disrespecting me for her own selfish needs (to score with my bf who has a car), and more importantly, lying to my face.

Even though she has assured me a 100 times she does not view my bf in a sexual way - her actions (lying to me/disrespecting me) make me doubt her intentions.

As for my bf - last week I found her pic on his phone. Quite insignificant but it was the caller ID picture. My bf admitted that he took the picture so he can put it to her contact on his phone.

I freaked out. I told him that I will not tolerate his/her disrespect anymore: if he wants to continue hanging with the girl that is disrespectful of me - never contact me again. I have no intention of contacting him either.

It's been 2 weeks & no contact. Obviously, he chose to keep the mutual friend in his life over me, but the question is did I overreact? This stress has been going on for 6 mnths...

You said that you've talked with the friend about this before, had you talked with the boyfriend about it too?

The friend - if she was lying to you about this stuff then you were right to end the friendship. No friend should have a secret relationship with you SO (even just a friendship). Any of the three reasons you listed are good grounds to be upset with this person.

The boyfriend - The only thing you really said about him is that he had her picture attached to the contact file, no big deal. If his drug habits are a problem for you then that is something that needed to be addressed. You said that since you got out of school and started a career that you have been "anti-drugs"... does that mean you were fine with it (or even that you did it too) before that? Oh, him going to help her pick lingerie for her bf is bad. No excuse for that.

personally, i don't feel you over-reacted.
i would NEVER, i mean NEVER go lingerie shopping with a male friend unless he was gay.

being a female i'm honest enough to admit that if i took a guy lingerie shopping there would definitely be something more behind it. some ulterior motive, even if it was as simple as "planting the seed" and making him view me somewhat sexually.

you wouldn't take your brother lingerie shopping for yourself, would you?
think about it.

lingerie shopping aside, the dishonesty is inexcusable. if they're lying to you now, and you allow it, it will ONLY get worse. trust your intuition - it's the best defense you've got.

Thanks LibraSid - yep, have been talking to him about it for the past 6 months. Last week, when the final straw was drawn - he still continued to use the whole 'I don't understand why you are pissed at her or how I am disrespecting you'. Actaully called me 'selfish' when I told him that I'm not going to tolerate his/her disrespect anymore and not to contact me again if he wishes to continue hanging out with her. By then, I was truly ready to rip my hair out! 6 months of talking about this and he STILL didn't understand that to me he was passively encouraging her to disrespect me, grrr!

Yep agree, total user and disrespectful - I dropped her 3 months ago.

Well - to be honest, her picture on his phone was the final straw. We had been talking about how I felt about them hanging out too much for the past 6 months, so he must have known by then how I felt, especially since I cut off with her 3 months prior. It was a culmination of the picture and more the other stuff: driving her around, running her errands for her, going to score together, etc. And the pure-piss-taking lingerie incident.

It was like I saw the picture - and all the resentment just exploded.

Yep, his drug habit is a problem for me and I know that he will never quit - I've been trying to help him quit for a good couple of years now. I was fine with it when we first dated, I used to toke too while I was at uni - but you know, you grow out of it and I hoped he would too. But when it started affecting his job and now his lack of motivation to get a job - of course it was a major problem as we were a couple and had we been living together, or God forbid married - I would have been the one having to carry him....

So, a penny for your thoughts? :o)

Thanks everevolvingepithet - absolutely, piss taking to the max!

Yep you're right - he never will quit until he truly wants to. He actually had the cheek to tell me that the only way he will quit is if we get married first *gobsmacked*.

After you are done being gobsmacked, I'd like to hand you a 2x4 so you can take out his kneecaps. Lil' kiss from 'cross the Pond..for making such an idiotic statement as that. Oh my yes, I'd dearly love to marry you, seeing as how you've been so straightforward and noble. Pfffft.

Thank you trifles light as air*!

I would NEVER take a guy lingerie shopping EVER. That's why when he told me he went lingerie shopping with her, I was like WTF?! *cue steam blowing out of my ears*

After their 'lingerie' trip he said something to me that was really weird - he was like to me he would never date her because she was too high maintenance and he could never be with someone who was so self conscious about their body. Apparently she was picking out lingerie that hid the parts of her she didn't want her bf at the time to see.

You are SO right about the seed planting - she planted something in his head alright.

Do you think he choose to continue to hang out with her over being with me, because he started developing feelings for her? That is one thought that is driving me BONKERS!

LOL - love it venusianbull!

I know! Pah - don't remind me. 7 years of this. Seriously.

Posted by trifles light as air*
lingerie shopping aside, the dishonesty is inexcusable. if they're lying to you now, and you allow it, it will ONLY get worse. trust your intuition - it's the best defense you've got.

Nah, I think I'm done allowing it. It was not enough that his 'friendship' with her was bothering me because I felt disrespected by her, that he gave his number to my other friend the other week so they can 'hang out' (!!!), and to top it off he has our mutual friend's picture on his phone! Oh, and not forgetting that he chose to hang out with her over being with me.

Anymore allowing it and I think I will permanently rename myself to 'doormat' :o(

ultimatums are always a bad idea. If someone gives me an ultimatum I will often cut off my nose to spite my face just to show them that they are not going to put me in that position.

I personally do not think its weird to go lingerie shopping with a male/female friend. I have done this plenty of times. The lying from your friend is an issue and I would also have cut her off for lying but I dont see the issue with your man having a friendship with her. If you trust him you have nothing to worry about and if you dont trust him then you have a bigger issue here.

Posted by sousou
LOL - love it venusianbull!

I know! Pah - don't remind me. 7 years of this. Seriously.

Atta girl! A laugh and a smile! Just what the Doctor ordered. 🙂

So you had ended the friendship a few months ago because this other girl was a bad friend to you and your bf didn't? All this:

Posted by sousou
I cut off with this friend because: 1) she would lie to my face when I ask her if she was just on the phone to my bf, 2) say to my face that she will not ask my bf to go and score with him because she "knows how much I want him to quit & get his **** together" - but then next day they're together scoring, 3) she took him lingerie shopping for HER bf and asked my bf for his advice (WTF?!)

happened after you cut off the friend? Your bf was still running around with her all the time?

My initial reaction after reading the post was no you did not over react, you simply set some boundaries and stuck to them. After getting some more info, I definitely think that is the case. Him remaining friends with someone who had betrayed your trust is a problem, having her picture in the phones contact file is irrelevant (I understand why it was the trigger though). Ultimately you two just have different priorities and want different things. This was a good split.

Posted by libra sun
ultimatums are always a bad idea. If someone gives me an ultimatum I will often cut off my nose to spite my face just to show them that they are not going to put me in that position.

I personally do not think its weird to go lingerie shopping with a male/female friend. I have done this plenty of times. The lying from your friend is an issue and I would also have cut her off for lying but I dont see the issue with your man having a friendship with her. If you trust him you have nothing to worry about and if you dont trust him then you have a bigger issue here.

I agree - I hate ultimatums too but I was at my wits end.

I don't have a problem with him having friendships with female friends - I do have an issue with him having friendships with female friends that lie to me and disrespect me. To me, continuing to hang out with her equated to passively encouraging her to continue disrespecting me. Rightly or wrongly - that is how I felt.

I do trust him - but when my instincts tell me something is not right, and he is at her beck and call all the time, and to top that she lies to me and disrespects that's when red flags start erupting.

Posted by venusianbull

Posted by sousou
LOL - love it venusianbull!

I know! Pah - don't remind me. 7 years of this. Seriously.

Atta girl! A laugh and a smile! Just what the Doctor ordered. 🙂

click to expand

Thanks venusianbull 🙂

Posted by QLIbraMale
i'm glad you ended it, being a doormat isn't easy to walk away from when people walk over you. get rid of trasyy friends like its spring cleaning.

Agree - am trimming the fat!

Posted by LibraSid
So you had ended the friendship a few months ago because this other girl was a bad friend to you and your bf didn't? All this:

Posted by sousou
I cut off with this friend because: 1) she would lie to my face when I ask her if she was just on the phone to my bf, 2) say to my face that she will not ask my bf to go and score with him because she "knows how much I want him to quit & get his **** together" - but then next day they're together scoring, 3) she took him lingerie shopping for HER bf and asked my bf for his advice (WTF?!)

happened after you cut off the friend? Your bf was still running around with her all the time?

My initial reaction after reading the post was no you did not over react, you simply set some boundaries and stuck to them. After getting some more info, I definitely think that is the case. Him remaining friends with someone who had betrayed your trust is a problem, having her picture in the phones contact file is irrelevant (I understand why it was the trigger though). Ultimately you two just have different priorities and want different things. This was a good split.

click to expand

Yep - I cut off, he didn't. He continued to run around for her - despite knowing how I felt.

Thanks LibraSid - what do you mean by 'you two just have different priorities and want different things'?

Posted by sousou

Posted by libra sun
ultimatums are always a bad idea. If someone gives me an ultimatum I will often cut off my nose to spite my face just to show them that they are not going to put me in that position.

I personally do not think its weird to go lingerie shopping with a male/female friend. I have done this plenty of times. The lying from your friend is an issue and I would also have cut her off for lying but I dont see the issue with your man having a friendship with her. If you trust him you have nothing to worry about and if you dont trust him then you have a bigger issue here.

I agree - I hate ultimatums too but I was at my wits end.

I don't have a problem with him having friendships with female friends - I do have an issue with him having friendships with female friends that lie to me and disrespect me. To me, continuing to hang out with her equated to passively encouraging her to continue disrespecting me. Rightly or wrongly - that is how I felt.

I do trust him - but when my instincts tell me something is not right, and he is at her beck and call all the time, and to top that she lies to me and disrespects that's when red flags start erupting.

click to expand

If it is behaviour that you see as unacceptable then it is probably for the best its over, so you can move on and find someone who has the same attitude towards relationships as you do 🙂. Out of curiosity what are both of your starsigns??

to answer candidly, it sounds like he started feeling something for this friend.
was it any feeling deeper than a 7 year relationship produces? hell no.

maybe he hasn't responded to you because he feels he messed up pretty badly and isn't sure how to make it up to you.

OR, maybe he is a complete idiot who would sacrifice 7 years for a fleeting infatuation. in which case, he will inevitably experience all of the dishonesty and disloyalty from this "friend" that you experienced, and it probably won't take long.

try not to stew over his actions though - 7 years is better than 20 after all, if he turns out to be an ass.

^ ....

I don't think you over-reacted at all. You saw a potential problem brewing & instead of suppressing it or ignoring it, you did your best to try to approach the situation. There's never anything wrong with that especially if you're doing so for the good of the relationship.

1. This other chick was no longer considered a friend to EITHER of you the minute she decided to lie to you about her activities with your boyfriend. Furthermore, she's not so good of a friend to him either if she's willing to allow herself to come b/w you & him in any way.

2. We can blaim this all on the other girl all day but honestly, 90% of the blaim oughta be placed on your man. HE'S the one you're in the relationship with & the one whom oughta respect you more than anyone else. HE'S the one that promised to love you, be honest to you & take your feelings into consideration, thus no outsiders should be allowed to step into his life & "influence" him to betray or disrespect you. And if he allows another woman (or anyone) to do that, even after knowing how you feel, then HE'S more in the wrong than anyone else in the situation.

3. Don't try to go back & beat up on yourself now just b/c your man disappeared and/or didn't respond in the way you would've liked. Yeah it sucks that he disappeared & clearly choose his friendship with that girl over you, BUT honey you did the right thing. You stuck to your guns & refused to be disrespected. And if anyone actually has the nerve to be offended/insulted all b/c you're standing up for yourself & your relationship, then they're not only good enough to be your friend, but they're not worthy of being your companion either.

4. There probably is more going on b/w him & this mutual friend than you know. And even if they haven't been sexual with eachother yet, it's only a matter of time, especially since he choose her over you when it all came down to it in the end.

5. It's great that you want him to change & stop his smoking habit, BUT what you see is what you get. You gave him the impression that you were perfectly ok with him being unmotivated & being a pot head all this time, so you can't be mad that he doesn't change overnight just b/c you did. You knew he was jobless, lazy & a pothead when you met him so you can't really be mad that he's literally just continuing to be/do what he's ALWAYS freakin' done/been.

6. Sure he's allowed to keep friends that you no longer choose to hang around with, BUT when he entered into a relationship with you, he choose to make you the #1 girl in his life, which means that your opinion & feelings matter over everyone else who is less than to him. Him blatenly ignoring your feelings all so that he can keep his friendship with her clearly shows where his loyalty is, and it's NOT with you, unfortunately.

7. You did the right thing. You did what most women do when they feel disrespected: they communicate their hurt feelings to their partner in hopes that he will understand & make the necessary changes/compromises. When he/she doesn't, that's when you start throwing ultimatums out there. If they don't follow suit, screw them! I know it's not that simple & that it's easier said than done, but hey you have a right to be with someone who will respect you behind closed doors.

8. He's not ready to change the habits that you want him to get rid of. He may know that you mean well, but he's not you. He's been this way for several years & just b/c you had an epiphany doesn't mean that he'll suddenly be able to transform into to a new life style as quickly. Since he's not ready to let go of his habits, he'd rather leave you high & dry & go continue to hang out with the people (cough: this other girl) who won't put any pressure on him to change who he is or what he's doing. That's what most people do when they're not ready to change--they dump the person who wants them to change & go cling to those who are content with & support how he already is.

9. Move on. 7 years IS a mighty long time to be with someone & I know it sucks to just give up, but being taken advantage of for 7 years & 1 day is far WORSE than anything else that you may fear.

10. The mere fact that he's willing to lie to you & betray your trust all so that he can "do him" speaks volumes. This guy isn't ready for you. No offense but he's probably never had an incentive to change over the years b/c you've always allowed/encouraged him to stay just like he is. And yes, I say that you allowed him b/c had you truly NOT been ok with it, you would've left him. You staying gave him the impression that his habits are just fine

Posted by sousou

I don't have a problem with him having friendships with female friends - I do have an issue with him having friendships with female friends that lie to me and disrespect me. To me, continuing to hang out with her equated to passively encouraging her to continue disrespecting me. Rightly or wrongly - that is how I felt.

I do trust him - but when my instincts tell me something is not right, and he is at her beck and call all the time, and to top that she lies to me and disrespects that's when red flags start erupting.

I don't think you over or under reacted .. I think you have misplaced your disgruntlement.

In the beginning, which I can quote after saying this, you talked about how he lacks qualities that you strive for, you talked about how you have stopped toking and want him to ... what you have described in the beginning is how you have grown up, while he didn't.

You two have grown apart, and you aren't facing that.

Instead, you are attacking her, so you don't have to face that he isnt' the person you thought he was.

What has happened here is that because you have stopped participating in the toking like- style while trying to get him to stop .. you have alienated yourself.


In so doing, he then becomes closer to his partying friends ... which makes you feel rejected/slighted .... which you then, misdirect what you are really pissed off about.


There is a cause, as well as and effect ... you are reacting off of what is the effect, and never addressing the cause.

Posted by sousou

- no career/job, demotivated, spoilt (family's rich), irresponsible, no ambitions and smokes weed every day ...

Since I graduated and started my career (4 years ago) - I've been very anti-drugs and so tried to get my bf to quit & focus instead on finding a job ...

There's nothing wrong with growing up, and ending the partying phase ... however, in doing so, you also grew away from him.

And no matter what you think, or how you feel, or whichever way you choose to project this ... it doesn't change the fact that he will only grow up at his choosing ... and the more you attempt to throw wrenches into his life style , the more you stomp your feet at his choice of friends .. the more of any kind of protest you do with intentions of changing him ...

.. the further away from you you push him.



Walk away .... you are at a different maturity level than him, and you cannot change him.

Posted by libra sun

Posted by sousou

Posted by libra sun
ultimatums are always a bad idea. If someone gives me an ultimatum I will often cut off my nose to spite my face just to show them that they are not going to put me in that position.

I personally do not think its weird to go lingerie shopping with a male/female friend. I have done this plenty of times. The lying from your friend is an issue and I would also have cut her off for lying but I dont see the issue with your man having a friendship with her. If you trust him you have nothing to worry about and if you dont trust him then you have a bigger issue here.

I agree - I hate ultimatums too but I was at my wits end.

I don't have a problem with him having friendships with female friends - I do have an issue with him having friendships with female friends that lie to me and disrespect me. To me, continuing to hang out with her equated to passively encouraging her to continue disrespecting me. Rightly or wrongly - that is how I felt.

I do trust him - but when my instincts tell me something is not right, and he is at her beck and call all the time, and to top that she lies to me and disrespects that's when red flags start erupting.

If it is behaviour that you see as unacceptable then it is probably for the best its over, so you can move on and find someone who has the same attitude towards relationships as you do 🙂. Out of curiosity what are both of your starsigns??

click to expand

Agree - just easier said than done to get over it 😢

Lol - our star sign combination was doomed from the start! He's a leo, I'm a cancer. The mutual friend is a pisces. Apparently pisces and leo have more going for them than cancer and leo. I looked at our compatibility, and it said me and leo are: 'HUH?!' Hahaha!

Posted by Lena282
Yikes! nope you didn't overreact, the guy sounds like a loser. And I would never go lingerie shopping with a friend's boyfriend, or any guy actually...I'd worry me might act stupid or feel really uncomfortable lol.

Thanks Lena! Agree - maybe I'm a tad old fashioned but there is no way I would go lingerie shopping with a guy either. I'd be too uncomfortable...

Posted by trifles light as air*
to answer candidly, it sounds like he started feeling something for this friend.
was it any feeling deeper than a 7 year relationship produces? hell no.

maybe he hasn't responded to you because he feels he messed up pretty badly and isn't sure how to make it up to you.

OR, maybe he is a complete idiot who would sacrifice 7 years for a fleeting infatuation. in which case, he will inevitably experience all of the dishonesty and disloyalty from this "friend" that you experienced, and it probably won't take long.

Thank you for your candid response. I was suspicious that he started feeling something for her, and I guess him choosing to continue hanging out with her over being with me confirms that too.

It's not like him to not respond because he feels he messed up badly and isn't sure how to make it up to me - hahaha, as of recent he's been lacking a lot of imagination and excitement. All he wants to do all day is sleep, stay indoors, watch TV and toke.

But I think I'll go with hm being a complete idiot who would sacrifice 7 years for a fleeting infatuation - and I hope one day he does realize his mistake.

I will try not to stew - it definitely isn't doing me any good.

Thanks trifles light as air* 🙂

Posted by krysrenee7
6. Sure he's allowed to keep friends that you no longer choose to hang around with, BUT when he entered into a relationship with you, he choose to make you the #1 girl in his life, which means that your opinion & feelings matter over everyone else who is less than to him. Him blatenly ignoring your feelings all so that he can keep his friendship with her clearly shows where his loyalty is, and it's NOT with you, unfortunately.

7. You did the right thing. You did what most women do when they feel disrespected: they communicate their hurt feelings to their partner in hopes that he will understand & make the necessary changes/compromises. When he/she doesn't, that's when you start throwing ultimatums out there. If they don't follow suit, screw them! I know it's not that simple & that it's easier said than done, but hey you have a right to be with someone who will respect you behind closed doors.

8. He's not ready to change the habits that you want him to get rid of. He may know that you mean well, but he's not you. He's been this way for several years & just b/c you had an epiphany doesn't mean that he'll suddenly be able to transform into to a new life style as quickly. Since he's not ready to let go of his habits, he'd rather leave you high & dry & go continue to hang out with the people (cough: this other girl) who won't put any pressure on him to change who he is or what he's doing. That's what most people do when they're not ready to change--they dump the person who wants them to change & go cling to those who are content with & support how he already is.

9. Move on. 7 years IS a mighty long time to be with someone & I know it sucks to just give up, but being taken advantage of for 7 years & 1 day is far WORSE than anything else that you may fear.

10. The mere fact that he's willing to lie to you & betray your trust all so that he can "do him" speaks volumes. This guy isn't ready for you. No offense but he's probably never had an incentive to change over the years b/c you've always allowed/encouraged him to stay just like he is. And yes, I say that you allowed him b/c had you truly NOT been ok with it, you would've left him. You staying gave him the impression that his habits are just fine

Thanks krysrenee7 - you said quite a few things that pretty much hit the nail on the head. I don't like to admit the point where you said there prob

Thanks krysrenee7 - you said quite a few things that pretty much hit the nail on the head. I don't like to admit the point where you said there probably is more more between him and the mutual friend but you are right. During the past 6 months of this 'mutual' friend stress, he attempted to ease my discomfort by letting me know where they were going, and what plans they had together. But 6 months later, when push came to shove and I couldn't take the disrespect anymore - he chose her.

What is weird is that she has just split up with her bf and has now decided to stay here in the UK and find a job (she lived abroad most of the time - but only came to the UK due to medical treatment. She is a heroin user). Could he be thinking that he can now get with her? Even worse, was he just stringing me along, developing feelings for her all that time and when the coast was clear he jumped on her ship? Even though she has said a million times that she would NEVER look at him in a sexual way. Even the mutual friend's sister said that she was a million percent sure, her sister would never look at my ex in that way!

But you are right - bottom line is, he choose her friendship over being with me, and that speaks volumes.

I do have to move on, what's making it difficult is that he was never honest about it. I mean if he wanted to be with her, why not just tell me instead of choosing the easy way out (not contacting me). It's not easy telling someone that you no longer want to be with them after 7 years, but like seriously, I would have appreciated that more than him just not contacting me.

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by sousou

I don't have a problem with him having friendships with female friends - I do have an issue with him having friendships with female friends that lie to me and disrespect me. To me, continuing to hang out with her equated to passively encouraging her to continue disrespecting me. Rightly or wrongly - that is how I felt.

I do trust him - but when my instincts tell me something is not right, and he is at her beck and call all the time, and to top that she lies to me and disrespects that's when red flags start erupting.

I don't think you over or under reacted .. I think you have misplaced your disgruntlement.

In the beginning, which I can quote after saying this, you talked about how he lacks qualities that you strive for, you talked about how you have stopped toking and want him to ... what you have described in the beginning is how you have grown up, while he didn't.

You two have grown apart, and you aren't facing that.

Instead, you are attacking her, so you don't have to face that he isnt' the person you thought he was.

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True - you do have a point P-Angel. But I always had faith that he would grow up and change and yes, I did always try to help him get on the right track. Clearly I was mistaken. Yes, I may have projected my anger at her, but to say that she is not to blame is wrong. She was like a sister to me and I would never do what she did to any girl. Plus, he obviously didn't turn out to be the person I thought he was - he chose her over being with me.

Am I misdirecting my anger? Possibly, whether it was her or any other matter, it was bound to happen I guess. I'm just finding it hard to let give up and let go...

Posted by P-Angel
What has happened here is that because you have stopped participating in the toking like- style while trying to get him to stop .. you have alienated yourself.


In so doing, he then becomes closer to his partying friends ... which makes you feel rejected/slighted .... which you then, misdirect what you are really pissed off about.


There is a cause, as well as and effect ... you are reacting off of what is the effect, and never addressing the cause.

I may have alienated myself - but I don't think I would go as far as saying I felt rejected/slighted, I chose to alienate myself (in addition I work too, so don't have that much social time to spare). Yes, I feel rejected that at the end of it all he chose her over being with me. But I never felt rejected the whole time he spent with her. I did feel that them spending too much time together doing what they were doing was inappropriate and disrespectful though.

This particular cause was not his toking. Yes, toking was an underlying cause, just not the main one.

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by sousou

- no career/job, demotivated, spoilt (family's rich), irresponsible, no ambitions and smokes weed every day ...

Since I graduated and started my career (4 years ago) - I've been very anti-drugs and so tried to get my bf to quit & focus instead on finding a job ...

There's nothing wrong with growing up, and ending the partying phase ... however, in doing so, you also grew away from him.

And no matter what you think, or how you feel, or whichever way you choose to project this ... it doesn't change the fact that he will only grow up at his choosing ... and the more you attempt to throw wrenches into his life style , the more you stomp your feet at his choice of friends .. the more of any kind of protest you do with intentions of changing him ...

.. the further away from you you push him.



Walk away .... you are at a different maturity level than him, and you cannot change him.

click to expand

Lol - yes, I do feel that I did alot of feet stomping the past 3 years! And I guess all I was doing all this time was pushing him away...oh well!

Thanks P-Angel, much appreciated. I think I'm done taking on 'repair' jobs 🙂

Posted by sousou

Yes, I feel rejected that at the end of it all he chose her over being with me. But I never felt rejected the whole time he spent with her. I did feel that them spending too much time together doing what they were doing was inappropriate and disrespectful though.

Just so long as you realize that it isn't her, at all.

If he was spending time with a male friend, and not you ... you'd feel the same way.

You are upset because he choose something/somone over you ... that is the injury = feeling rejected.

I'm not saying that the girl doesn't have accountibility in this ... I'm merely pointing out that what is causing you the pain is that he no longer has the desire to share what is important to him .. with you.

In reality ... this girl is doing you a favor, and you're too emotionally hurt right now to see it. I see it. Because of things you've said in here, I know that you would still marry him if he didn't hang out with her all the time, and completely ignore the fact that he's a lazy, non-motivated, slug that would rely on mommy.

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by sousou

Yes, I feel rejected that at the end of it all he chose her over being with me. But I never felt rejected the whole time he spent with her. I did feel that them spending too much time together doing what they were doing was inappropriate and disrespectful though.

Just so long as you realize that it isn't her, at all.

If he was spending time with a male friend, and not you ... you'd feel the same way.

You are upset because he choose something/somone over you ... that is the injury = feeling rejected.

I'm not saying that the girl doesn't have accountibility in this ... I'm merely pointing out that what is causing you the pain is that he no longer has the desire to share what is important to him .. with you.

In reality ... this girl is doing you a favor, and you're too emotionally hurt right now to see it. I see it. Because of things you've said in here, I know that you would still marry him if he didn't hang out with her all the time, and completely ignore the fact that he's a lazy, non-motivated, slug that would rely on mommy.

click to expand

I have to disagree with you there P-Angel - I really do not have any problems with any of his friends, and I never felt rejected at all because he was with his friends (be they male, or not). The problem I have is with him hanging with a girl that disrespected me. A girl that I thought of as a sister and never expected this from her.

In the long run, you're right - she is doing me a favour, but I am beyond hurt to see this right now.

Thanks P-Angel 🙂

:::: shakes head ::::


"If he was spending time with a male friend, and not you ... you'd feel the same way."




........... if .............



However, suffer as you choose to.



You're welcome, and good luck.

Posted by everevolvingepithet
Shank them both !

🙂

"I mean if he wanted to be with her, why not just tell me instead of choosing the easy way out (not contacting me)."
What did you expect from him? This guy has already shown you that he's a liar, a potential player & not right for you. So it shouldn't surprise you that he's lacking in the "morals department" when it comes to honesty or effectively communicating the truth/his feelings to you.

Yes he could've man'd up & told you the truth but at the same time you had ample enough time to leave way before now. You saw those red flags & warning signs a long time ago. It's NOT his fault that you continued to stay & continued to put up with what he's ALWAYS done. That was on you.

He's like most people who aren't ready to change. He's more comfortable leaving the person who expects the most from him, & jumping on the ship with the people who don't hold him to any kind of standard.

I know it's easier said than done, but seriously you need to stop over-analyzing everything. The Who's, What's, When's, Where's, & Why's DON'T really matter at this point, especially considering that the bigger picture now is that he played you & chose to show his loyalty to someone other than you. That's all that matters. All the other in-betweens are irrelevant b/c there are certain things that you'll NEVER know; there are certain questions that you'll NEVER get answered. And you have to accept that.

If you try to stay around just for the sake of figuring him out, you're only gonna hurt yourself & prolong the healing process.

Who cares what him & that other girl have going on. Hell, be glad that you didn't waste another 7 years of your life on him (7 years you'll NEVER get back). If anything, him & that other girl deserve eachother. And since he no longer deserves you as a companion, he should no longer be entitled to your feelings or to any more energy put into him. He didn't have the balls and/or enough courage to be honest with you so you shouldn't have the time OR the energy to keep entertaining him or any thoughts of him

All the mental energy you're putting into trying to figure out this complex unsolvable puzzle could be energy spent on moving on, healing & finding someone that you deserve

You wouldn't even feel better even if he did blatenly tell you the whole truth. Technically, there's not an answer that's good enough to justify why he lied or disrespected you. No matter what he says or how he may have explained himself, it wouldn't have made things any better nor would it have changed the fact that he doesn't deserve you & that he picked someone else over you.

Stop convincing yourself that you'll feel better ONLY if you get to the bottom of things. There are just some things you'll never know & that only HE will know.

Him & that other girl can have eachother. Let her spend all her time/energy trying to figure him out. As for you, move on. You've already given him 7 years of your life. Don't further insult yourself by giving him 7 years & 1 day more of something that he's already proven he doesn't deserve

Thank you krysrenee7. I am guilty as - all I've been doing is analyzing this and analyzing that and it's not helping in the slightest.

Thank you so much for all your help and being ever so patient with me x

Trust me. I understand exactly what you're going through.

Most of the pain we feel in these situations is not usually because of the breakup or circumstances itself, BUT moreso all the extra & unnecessary energy we put into trying to figure out a puzzle that isn't ready to be solved. All this over-analyzing is draining you.

In fact, I'd be willing to bet that if you started focusing ONLY on the bigger picture & on moving on, that 90% of your heartache would go away. Guaranteed.

It's easier said than done, I know. BUT as with anything, you CAN do whatever you set your mind to. Whether you tell yourself that you can OR can't, you're right.

Posted by krysrenee7
Trust me. I understand exactly what you're going through.

Most of the pain we feel in these situations is not usually because of the breakup or circumstances itself, BUT moreso all the extra & unnecessary energy we put into trying to figure out a puzzle that isn't ready to be solved. All this over-analyzing is draining you.

In fact, I'd be willing to bet that if you started focusing ONLY on the bigger picture & on moving on, that 90% of your heartache would go away. Guaranteed.

It's easier said than done, I know. BUT as with anything, you CAN do whatever you set your mind to. Whether you tell yourself that you can OR can't, you're right.

Thank you krysrenee7 - I think I'm going to print out this forum's replies and stick it in my wallet for the 'rainy' days. You and everyone else have really helped me alot the past couple of days.

I CAN and I WILL - tis the orders of the day 🙂

Posted by everevolvingepithet
Is it raining today ?
🙂

Cloudy with a hint of sunshine. Nope, no rain today 🙂

Posted by sousou

Posted by everevolvingepithet
Is it raining today ?
🙂

Cloudy with a hint of sunshine. Nope, no rain today 🙂

click to expand

Haha good! Moving on def. takes PRACTICE! As with anything, the very 1st time you try something new, it's going to seem like it's impossible. But after that 1st day when you've shown yourself that you actually CAN do it & that the world WASN'T over after all, it gets EASIER & easier as the days go on. FACT!