Facebook NO-NOs

Yesterday, there was a HUGE debate on the radio. The TOPIC was: SHOULD PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIPS BE FRIENDS WITH THEIR EX'S ON FACEBOOK OR ANY OTHER SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE?

Alot of the callers tuning in stated that:
1. They felt befriending an ex on Fb was unnecessary due to the fact that a person no longer interested in their ex shouldn't even have the urge to wonder what their ex is doing or who their ex is now dating, for example.

2. They felt being friends with an ex on fb is only ok if you've been out of a relationship with that person for many years vs. trying to be slick & befriend an ex on facebook after only being broken up with them for 3-6 months (for example).

3. When it came to Myspace or other sites where one's top/best friends can be listed/rated & seen by the rest of the world, some callers believed it was DEAD WRONG to be in a new relationship BUT YET have any of your ex's in your top friend's list.

Let's be honest here. Facebook polled 350,000 of it's users & an alarming 89% of them (male & female) ADMITTED that being friends with an ex online (& being exposed to everything/everybody your ex is doing) only keeps alive/open any emotional wounds that need to be healed. Some people swear up & down they should be allowed to be friends with their ex's on facebook AS LONG AS they are not in any contact with their ex. As the saying goes, "If that person is an ex & didn't make it to your future, why would you care at all about their statuses (what they're thinking), their wall posts (Who they're chatting with and/or possibly even dating) & other things that FB makes possible to see w/o you actually having contact with that person.

SO...my question is: WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?

Personally, I agreed with most of the callers:

1. Whether I had a bad break up with an ex or not, the point is this: They are an EX which means that at 1 point in time I made the CONSCIOUS DECISION to not allow them into my present & future. Thus it wouldn't make sense for me to use any social networking site or form of contact at all to see what they're doing, who they're doing or anything involving them since I afterall should NOT care. Why befriend ANYONE on fb that you don't even know and/or that you don't plan on being "Social" with?

2. If I make the CONSCIOUS DECISION to enter into a new relationship, I owe my partner the chance to have a full chance at me. This means that I shouldn't be entering into any new relationships unless I am fully healed & over any past ones. After all, I wouldn't want to be competing with my man's ex. I wouldn't want to have to "share" my time with someone who already lost that priveledge. Therefore, it's disrespectful to my partner to even slightly hint (and befriending an ex--someone I supposedly have no interest in) that I'm still interested at all in someone who I decided to let stay in the past.

3. Granted, some people can still maintain friendships with their ex's after the breakup. Here's my viewpoint on that: If it's been 5 years later & 2 people have fully moved on & healed, it is possible that a platonic friendship can form. But where I'm from, when you break up, you LITERALLY BREAK from that person.

4. Granted, we should only be with those we actually trust, BUT in the same token, reality says that it's very likely that both people won't move on at the same time. Whereas 1 person might be fully over the other person, the other person might still be holding on. I don't think it's possible for ANYONE to maintain a platonic friendship unless BOTH people have forgiven & moved on from what once held them together in the 1st place. Thus my man can be over his ex all he wants BUT if his ex isn't yet over him, there is no way for them to maintain a real friendship, thus there's no point in them having any contact until BOTH people reach that medium.

Go ahead people. Chop my head off lol

5. Before fb came out, it was a big NO-No for the average person in a new relationship to try to keep up with anything their ex's are up to/doing. Before fb came out, I could care less about what my ex was thinking (their status). I didn't have any interest in seeing any of their pictures. I wasn't interested in seeing or hearing any of their conversations with others (their wall posts). So it's amazing to me, that amazingly people use fb and it's brilliance in allowing people to still have INDIRECT contact with someone, as an excuse to befriend their ex's.

6. Some people justified being friends with their ex's b/c it was their way of showing the world and their ex that they weren't holding a grudge. Well before all these social networking sites came about, people were doing JUST FINE in showing others that there were no hard feelings. You mean to tell me the only way to show someone that you're the "bigger person" is to befriend them on facebook? Ha, bull! You shouldn't break up with someone you can't live without. You shouldn't break up with someone you'll still take a tremendous interest in AFTER the breakup. And if you can't seem to stop your own urges of seeing what that person is doing, it's wise NOT to get into a new relationship.

7. My friend's ex had 2 of his ex girlfriends on his top friend's list on Myspace. As some of you can imagine, she had a huge problem with his. 1, she assumed that the average person tailors their top friend's list according to who means the most to them and/or who they stay in contact with the most. Well, it wasn't necessarily a good luck for her man to claim to hate his ex (or swear there was no contact b/w them) yet she have to see his ex's faces plastered all over his myspace page.

The way I see it, these sites are meant for people to be "SOCIAL." And if I have no plans/interest in being social with an ex, it makes NO sense to add them to a friend's list on my page that's only supposed to be tailored to the people I'm actually interested in keeping tabs on/keeping in touch with. After all, isn't that why we all love facebook? We love being able to keep tabs on & keep in touch with the people we actually plan on being social with. It's contradictory to swear up & down that you have no interest in your ex anymore BUT YET still maintain a friendship with them on fb. Why befriend someone that by your OWN admission, you have no interest in being "Social" with? Hmm...think about that

I stay friends and in touch with all my ex's. my ex-fiance is my best friend, we split upless then 4 months ago, and i would not get in a relationship with anyone who has a problem with it. I do still care what my ex's are up to because i personally dont understand why anyone would want to erase someone out of there life that once meant something to them.

Well if someone is going to befriend someone on a SOCIAL networking site it only makes sense to actually be SOCIAL with the very people you're befriending!!!

For some people, they agree on the "No contact with ex's" rule. So for the couple who agreed on this rule, would it make sense for either person to befriend the very person they shouldn't have ANY contact with (direct OR indirect)?

If you're okay with your man being friends with his ex on fb, you should also be okay with him communicating with her in general. After all, communication is communication, whether it's through facebook or a text message. It wouldn't make sense to invite someone into my personal space (MYspace) & life but yet know up front that actually using the site like I'm supposed to (E.I contacting that person) is a no-no for my relationship. That's dumb. It'd be easier to just never befriend that person at all.

Some people don't start minding their partner's being friends with their ex's until they actually start noticing that their partners are communicating alot on fb. For example, if my man's ex is constantly writing on his wall, constantly "liking" all of his pictures & constantly inviting herself into his life, hell I'd be better off just saying, "Fine, you should be alotted all the time & all the ways you want to, to keep in touch with her!" YeahhhhNO.

A person might start off thinking they can handle being friends with their ex on fb until they are caught up in the moment & realize that damn, they aren't yet completely over that person. And let's be honest, how many guys or gals out there openly volunteer to admit they are not yet over their ex's in the MIDDLE of their new relationship with someone else?!

@Libra: Well that's the thing. Some people use the word "care" very loosely. I'm not saying you're like this, but let's be real here. Alot of people just want to be NOSY! Alot of people's urges to be nosy are directly hooked up to their emotions. There's a reason they say hanging on to an ex (in any form or fashion) is a bad move. The average person can't necessarily pick up & move on over night. And one for SURE way never to move on is to continally be interested in every aspect of your ex's life even after the breakup! Space is always needed. And ESPECIALLY when you're trying to move on in hopes of someday having the same interest & feelings for someone new.

I agree that if the breakup was bad & full of emotional turmoil, it's probably a bad move to maintain ANY form of communication (and fb IS a form of communication) with your ex, VS. persay the breakup was mutual & on good terms. But still, I am very traditional & old-school in my values. I can respect & forgive someone all day. I can still give that person for having been such a big part of my life at some point in time, BUT I shouldn't have to keep contact with that person just to prove that point either. That's like staying friends with an enemy (someone you made the choice to walk away from) all out of trying to prove a point that you're not holding a grudge. That doesn't make sense. You can still love/respect someone from afar

you can tell a lot through facebook, one of my friends once called me up to ask how long i had been sleeping with a guy because of our facbook interaction! even though there was no sexual references there was just far too much interaction that made it obvious to her we were more then friends.

@krysene "how many guys or gals out there openly volunteer to admit they are not yet over their ex's in the MIDDLE of their new relationship with someone else?!"

funny you say that as i actually did say this to my ex-fiance (part of the reason why he is now my ex) told him i still had feelings for an ex and needed to sort it out in my head, i actually realised i didnt have feelings for the guy i was just looking for an escape from my relationship. And yes the guy was on my facebook 🙂

@Fiesty: Bahahahahaha! There are SO many groups on fb tailored to ex situations. Here are just a few:

1. "I made a turkey sandwhich. You want those left-overs too?!?"
2. "I always laugh out loud when I see that my ex moved on to something fugly!"
3. "Jealous of my ex's new girlfriend/boyfriend? Ha paa-leese! I'm never jealous of rebounds or girls who want my left-overs!"
4. "It's always funny when my ex is downgrading while I'm constantly upgrading!"
Oh man & there are many more!

@Libra: Oh yes! Fb tells all! There is no such thing as privacy anymore! Fb reveals to EVERYONE on your friend's list who you're talking to. Hell, I wouldn't be suprised if fb came out with a new tool that could read the minds of it's users. It'd say something like, "LibraSun is thinking about..." lol

I think that's the fact why so many people are uncomfortable with their partner's maintaining a means of friendship through fb. Everything they'd say to one another is like right THERE in your face & open to interpretation. Imagine how an extremely insecure woman could take "Hey hun, I miss you & hope all is well" the wrong way if she read that her man's ex wrote that on her man's wall!

So many people only hear about the "ex" from afar; the ex is usually some distant figure that they're trying to move on from. And even if your partner has some sort of contact with their ex, it's usually done in private & where the new partner isn't anywhere around to see/hear anything. But on fb, a woman can clearly see her man chatting it up with a girl he used to be emotionally attached to. That can be uncomfortable for any woman, secure or not. And oh lord, it's even worse when someone has that crazy ex that purposely tries to say things just to make the new partner mad! That makes it even worse! In these cases, women/men end up making their partners delete their ex's anyways. I say, just don't add them at all to spare yourself & your partner the trouble. Sometimes you never know a person's true colors and/or the extent they are willing to go UNTIL after you break up with them. And it's not a good look for your new girlfriend to ALREADY have suspicions about you & your ex

@Lovely: Makes sense. People never want to admit that having that kind of access to an ex is so tempting. Granted, fb isn't the reason someone's not over their ex, BUT it's def. a for sure way to make sure the process of getting over them takes longer. I don't know about not adding someone I'm recently dating b/c if anything, that's the guy I actually don't mind having that kind of access to my everyday life. But I can also understand your point too. There's too much to be interpreted & of course, alot of people can easily take things the wrong way when they see their partner's communicating with an ex (someone their partner probably didn't speak highly of anyways)

@Fiesty: I think your response is even a group too! There's a group similiar to that that's like, "I'm so serious, I'm literally cuter than your next! Not being a hater, just being honest" LOL!

Posted by LovelyScorp
I have a personal rule on Facebook. I do not have anybody in my friends list that I've "been" with, even the current man I am seeing.

As soon as we started seeing each other I deleted him as a friend.

It leaves room for way too much drama.

Cold? Maybe. I've been traumatized by an ex on fb and that's the last time that I will allow that to happen.

This is really really clever. Mucho kudos to you. I don't have a facebook account, but if i did, i'd copy this.

Though maybe it could be seen as being SHIFTY!!

Which makes me think of this

I think it's important what you said about not adding drama. Especially when there are many opportunities to do so, what with the fact that people have become too available with the rise in modern gadgets almost instilling a need to start an argument. "why didn't you reply to my email when i texted you, facebooked you and rang up your phone??"

I am friends with most of my exs on facebook. It hasn't been a problem.

If youre in a happy relationship, keeping in touch with an ex via Facebook or anywhere else, is asking for trouble sooner or later.......🙂

My Ex and I have a great friendship...we have kids and keep in contact about them mostly and at times help each other out with thoughts on business ventures or whatever may arise. We sometimes share a wine of meal when picking up or dropping the kids off....

HOWEVER not in my wildest dreams would I consider adding him as a friend on FB or vice versa...I have some of his family on mine but dont see much to do with him or want to. We have totally separate lives apart from the want of bringing the children up together and I certainly dont wany him seeing everything that I do with all my new found friends. FB is very personal and I only add people I dont mind seeing my shit!

@Dogs: I agree. So many people love to throw out the famous line, "Well if you trust your partner, it shouldn't matter," BUT it does matter sometimes. A person stepping into a relationship, whether it's new or not is ENTITLED to that person's fidelity and/or promise that they are ready to move forward vs. a tad bit of forward with a dip of backwards.

If my man can't seem to quit wondering what his ex is doing then I'd rather him just call me (if that) when he finally decides on whether he's living for the past (her) or for the future (me). He can't have it both ways though

@Lovely: I completely agree. Yes, there's alot of "suspicious" interactions being exchanged on fb that we ALL can see BUT there's alot of under-the-table antics going on too. But then again, hey email is just as private & personal so I guess we'd all just have to take that "chance" & hope that our partners wouldn't try to maintain contact with their ex's in such a private manner, where no one can watch or see what's being said and/or going on.

So many people use fb for all the wrong reasons now. People purposely say/do things to spite their friends & ESPECIALLY their ex's. I've seen so many girls PURPOSELY post pics of them spending time with their ex (after he's already in a NEW relationship) just to get a rise out of the new girlfriend & start trouble. I've seen so many suspicious statuses & so many girls purposely saying things like, "It was good seeing/talking to you last night (wink)" to their ex boyfriends knowing good & damn well that his new girlfriend is probably NOT okay with that and/or wasn't aware they were even speaking at all.

FB is like the new online diary. When 1 ex is not over the other, it can be a dangerous/toxic thing for that ex to befriend that other person on fb. Hell if anything, so many ex's try to befriend their ex's NEW girlfriend just to be nosy and/or just to spark suspicions. Yeah, people were finding ways to do such things way before fb came into existence, but still..you can't overlook the fact that fb is literally starting to bring out the "vengence" in people that otherwise probably would've just packed up & moved on.

Fb is starting to get so old. So many people pour their whole hearts out or tell all of their business to a bunch of people they barely even know. There's no originality in it anymore. Nowadays, a man that was otherwise too shy to approach a woman in person ALL OF THE SUDDEN has balls all b/c he's on fb. And vice versa. All these social networking sites are nothing more than "ONLINE CLUBS"