Have you guys gotten to the point where...

You're no longer looking for a short-term or short-lived relationship but instead only being willing to date someone you can actually see yourself marrying OR atleast end up with long-term?

Have you guys ever gotten to the point where you finally say that you're DONE with FBW-type relationships, you're done with flings, commitment phobes or those 2 week relationships?

At SOME point, there's NO point in continually dating someone if you know up front that you can't see yourself with them long-term. If you know now that you won't ever take them home to mama, what's the point? Why keep entertaining them? What will you really gain from keeping someone around when you know the ultimate commitment isn't something that will be the outcome?

At some point, you finally have to stop making excuses for others unnacceptable behavior & stop settling. At some point, you've just gotta be focused on ONLY entertaining those who want the SAME things as you & whom are going in the SAME direction you are.

No more trying to change someone or trying to mold someone into who you think they oughta be. No more trying to convince someone that they oughta do this/that when they really don't want to. No more shacking up with FWB & simply "hoping" that 1 day they'll see you as worthy of commitment. No more settling only to get mad in the long run when you finally realized that it was all for nothing/that you came out with what you started with: nothing! No more allowing others to convince you that your standards & the things you want AND deserve are unrealistic; those kinds of people only tell you that b/c deep down they know that THEY can't meet your standards-others may be able to, but THEY CAN'T.

Don't get me wrong, if FBW is what you like that's cool. If casually dating mutliple people for 5 years is your cup of tea, all power to you. BUT come on, everyone's ultimate goal is to find that 1 person worthy of commitment & whom will last. It's kinda HARD to find that person if we're too busy entertaining all the WRONG/short-lived ones.

At some point we all have to say F it & YES, start wearing our expectations/desires on our foreheads/sleeves. No more bullshxtting! It's 2011, go get what you want! And if someone doesn't want the same things, DON'T argue...all the energy we invest in trying to force what's not meant to be could be energy spent on actually finding/courting the RIGHT people who DO want the same things as you!

We can all get so caught up in believing our friends or these statistics that say "love is impossible to find" but at some point, you have to keep your head held high & acknowledge that YES, you WILL find love, you WILL find someone who will be on the same page as you. You WILL find someone who will want the same things as you.

Statistics on marriage have really F'd people up. They stopped believing that marriage can actually last so what they've done is purposely/conveinantly allowed things to "go wrong/sour" around the time marriage is necessary or brought up. They never stopped wanting love or commitment, BUT b/c it's been beaten into their heads that only 50% (or hell whatever number) of marriage don't work out, they'd rather settle for regular relationships, even though they still face that little demon on their shoulders that deeply desires marriage.

I think so many people believe in all the pessimism about love that they feel obligated to settle for less or settle for what they don't want all b/c they don't believe that what they REALLY want is within their reach.

And hey, half the time we're right. If we're entertaining the WRONG mf, of course love or the ultimate commitment will seem impossible.

I had to learn to start cutting people off at the door. I'm NOT saying that just b/c someone isn't commitment-material that they have no room/place in our lives, BUT if commitment IS what you're looking for, you waste your time when you continue dating all the people whom you know up front just won't cut it!

Playing house gets old. Dating multiple people gets old. And especially when you realize that your failure to find a good commitment is mostly/partly YOUR fault. Expecting a 0 to give you 10 gets old.

I'm at this point now, I like to think. Even at 20, I'm just really discouraged with the whole short-term dating scene; I've been doing so much of it, and honestly, I'm getting nothing out of it. I sort of made this resolution that I'm doing nothing with a guy unless I know it has potential. I just want to take a step back and say fuck you to dating. I'll have more fun doing the extremes: either being single or in a relationship. I'm sick of the flings and the lack of expectations.

I feel like I'm about to start/join an uprising lol.

well, i really really enjoyed my 20s and i did because i knews what i wanted out of life. i knew what to expect because i allowed it ALL.

now that im turning 30, i would be interested in attempting a long term relationship. but that means, like you said, cutting people off from jump street.

with love and damn near everything else in life....you get what you ask for...

HOWEVER, when it comes down to it....i still enjoy the SINGLE/partying life style . its fun.

I've finally gotten to this point too.

I'm OK with being completely single OR completely commited. But this middle-man stuff is annoying, draining & the same outcome of someone coming up short/getting hurt is almost ALWAYS the result

@Candeh: Atleast you're still young & realize this. It sucks when I see people who are at the PRIME of their life, wasting it away & investing all their energy into someone whose not right for them. What makes it worse is that outsiders can always tell when a relationship/friendship won't work but yet the 2 people in it are always out with their blinders on, not realizing that in 3-5 years, they'll REGRET that very same friendship/relationship later on down the road!

Seriously FWB & short-term flings are all just IMITATIONS of the real thing. So why settle for the generic brand of love. I want the REAL thing. I don't wanna come home & cuddle to my "kind of boyfriend." I don't want to hear sweet nothings in my ear from someone I won't even talk to in 2 years.

Posted by DMV
HOWEVER, when it comes down to it....i still enjoy the SINGLE/partying life style . its fun.

Hey, I'm NOT knocking those who don't want commitment. If short-term flings or being single or no strings-attached kind of relations are what each person can handle, good for them!

I'm talking about the people who truly DO desire commitment but yet settle for all the wrong people. I'm talking about the people who want the REAL thing but yet keep getting caught up in "imitations" of the real thing. And FWB & short-flings all are imitations of the REAL thing; they all offer the same kind of companionship/sex/benefits, BUT it never lasts long. And it's a tease if you can't have it long-term.

Plus, most people can't really handle the single life and/or the partying life style . They only think they can b/c that's their way of avoiding the reality that they're settling.

You can always tell the people who truly CAN'T handle the single life b/c they're the ones always expecting "relationship-type benefits" from those whom they are NOT in a relationship with. You can't expect for just a regular friend or F buddy to be as dedicated, loyal, faithful & true to you the way someone who is actually committed to you would be.

People just place the wrong expectations on all the wrong people. If someone is JUST my friend, NO we don't need to cuddle, have sex, invest all our time/energy/conversation into eachother. That's something only I'd reserve for someone that is my man. That way when I finally get into a relationship, my man will feel special & like he's different from all the rest. If you give all of yourself to EVERYBODY, the person that finally commits to you won't feel like they're getting anything special or rare. I want my man to know the different b/w just my male friends vs. a man I'm actually committed to

Posted by ellessque
lol. i've never gotten into a relationship thinking it wasn't going to be long term.

how weird am I?

Lol well, it was the same for me... until I was proven wrong. Now I'm surprised if it's longer than I expected.

Sad, maybe?

I'm the same. I've never been interested in a relationship I didn't think could go the distance.

Posted by ellessque
lol. i've never gotten into a relationship thinking it wasn't going to be long term.

how weird am I?

Scoot over on the weird bus woman. I'm the same way.

I like the idea of this weird bus. Will there be drinks served?

But of course. Biting wit, sarcastic charm and much laughter will be had by all. 🙂

i look at men like love affairs and not relationships.

Posted by venusianbull
But of course. Biting wit, sarcastic charm and much laughter will be had by all. 🙂

This sounds like a partially drunken joyride through some charming European city. I'm in!

Yayyy! Alllllllll ABOARD! Next stop, a charming villa somewhere warm. ( so tired of cold and snow ).

I've always been that way, really. If I can't see myself with you for atleast 2+ years.. fuck it.

I crush on people easily, but as far as if I would date you or not? I dig deeper.. if I like what I hear & see.. aka your actions and words BETTER match, i'll take it slow and let the love bug bite my love flower and hope it blossoms.. otherwise..


NEXT

as long as your interesting...im done for the adventure.

I've actually cut out a lot of guys (either past or present) who I knew probably wouldn't be down for a long term relationship. I'm just tired of them hanging around wanting to get with me when I know it's going to be nothing in the end.

As Jay-Z would say, on to the next one.

I think I may be the weird one here. I never, ever thought about how long it may last. I guess I was living in the moment. Course, those times are LONG gone.

Posted by Shadows
I think I may be the weird one here. I never, ever thought about how long it may last. I guess I was living in the moment. Course, those times are LONG gone.

It's strange really. I sort of go in not really making a game plan, but if I feel it, I know I want it to last. So it goes from "living in the moment" to "expecting it to last long time." I've only ever been involved in a couple of relationships that I knew already wouldn't last. But, I made the conscious decision to stick around for whatever reason.

I guess I hear what you're saying and I think you're right. In all of my long term relationships I never really thought about how long it would last because I never wanted then to last. I never saw myself getting married or wanting to live with someone. I've met someone who I feel very differently about and now I refuse to have any type of relationship other than a full blown commitment and I want marriage to be the end result. So, I guess it wasn't really about how I am, but how I feel about someone.

And I totally get you sticking around...I'm sure on some level you were getting whatever you needed/wanted at the time. Nothing wrong with that.

Posted by Shadows
I guess I hear what you're saying and I think you're right. In all of my long term relationships I never really thought about how long it would last because I never wanted then to last. I never saw myself getting married or wanting to live with someone. I've met someone who I feel very differently about and now I refuse to have any type of relationship other than a full blown commitment and I want marriage to be the end result. So, I guess it wasn't really about how I am, but how I feel about someone.

And I totally get you sticking around...I'm sure on some level you were getting whatever you needed/wanted at the time. Nothing wrong with that.

Oh yeah. If I know what I'm getting out of it and I already convince myself that it'snot going to last, I'm actually okay with the relationship. It's like, if you have all of your expectations in the right place and in line with the other person, the relationship itself won't turn out badly. But if your expectations aren't on point, that's where the issues come in. That's been my problem in the past, especially with not stating my expectations. For the longest time, I didn't want to be that girl who nagged too much or expected to much; it just backfires though. :/

Posted by Candeh15

Posted by ellessque
lol. i've never gotten into a relationship thinking it wasn't going to be long term.

how weird am I?

Lol well, it was the same for me... until I was proven wrong. Now I'm surprised if it's longer than I expected.

Sad, maybe?

click to expand

HA! Good one! It's sad when people are actually surprised that a marriage/relationship worked out! That says alot/speaks volumes!

That's why I go into dating with only 50% of my hopes up. If I get too excited & engage in too much "wishful thinking," I'll be F'd if things go wrong. But if I keep 50% of faith that things "might" go further..and if they do, good for me..but if they don't, that's cool too b/c atleast I won't be hysterical or crying all over the place. I give just enough to where I can confidently afford to give certain benefits. BUT I keep just enough to myself just in case things don't work out.

As the saying goes, "DON'T GIVE ANOTHER PERSON MORE THAN YOU CAN AFFORD TO GIVE/LOSE." People that go into relationships giving/expecting 100% may be the luckiest ones alive if things actually work out in the long run. But oh boy, those very same people are the most depressed, bitter & resentful if things don't work out!

I don't think the solution is to stop desiring relationships or being in them. No, I think it's moreso that if we stop expecting certain things to happen, we won't be as hurt/surprised when they actually don't happen lol

@Krys
"People that go into relationships giving/expecting 100% may be the luckiest ones alive if things actually work out in the long run. But oh boy, those very same people are the most depressed, bitter & resentful if things don't work out!"

I am guilty of giving 100% at work, with my family and obviously extend this to relationships - having been brought up to treat people as I would like them to treat me.
I remain single!

One of the girls on here advised me that being 'nice and thoughtful' does not cut it in the relationship world and I needed to become a bitch!

I am about to switch across to treating people as they have treated me to see if things improve a little🙂

Not sue why a guy would rather have a bitch on his arm than a nice person, but hey - if that's what it takes I need to get with the program

RNAP - Yeah I hear you girl!! I've got the same problem LOL. But I personally find that whenever I behave in a manner that is "out of character", I either get very disappointed in myself OR it totally gets thrown in my face. Sometimes both. My POV now is "Meh, if they don't like me the way I am, they can f*** off" haha 🙂

I hear you too....but if the way I am is "unmarriageworthy/unloveable" I need to change it up.
If I keep doing what I have always done, I will keep getting what I have always got.

You are a bit younger, so there is plenty of time for you to find a nice guy who loves you just the way you are.

"Unmarriageworthy/unloveable" is telling yourself very negative things. Such thoughts, only serve to damage you. Think positive.

In saying that, I don't mean to encourage a lack of self awareness or anything like that. It is good to be able to recognise things about yourself that you need to work on... But I don't think it's a good idea to lower yourself to being a bitchy person in order to get a relationship with some guy who's probably not good enough for you anyway.

I have heard there is such a thing as being "too nice" - but it's not really the niceness that's the issue, in my experience at least. What people really seem to have a problem with, is subservient doormats that will never stand up for themselves, rarely show a shred of emotion (and when they do, it's usually crying whilst they wallow in self pity, yet won't do anything about it), and never display any drive or passion, determination, focus. These people lack courage, they're not much fun and they spend so much time worrying about everyone else that they neglect themselves (read: unattractive). They are meek and overly passive, and that really seems to peeve people off! These are my observations anyway.

I think: Be nice & considerate to those who deserve it and who treat you the same way. And don't waste a moment on the riff-raff. Based on what I have read of your posts, you seem like this already (the gem was an idiot to let you go, yeah I read that weeks ago but never commented at the time). Live and enjoy life, forget about the losers who don't deserve you anyway (would you really be happy with them? really?), and one day you'll find a man who actually has the courage to be enough of a man to be with you 🙂 Perhaps he's still in training 😉

I agree with Oddball.

Psychologically, people may disrespect or take for granted those who are "too nice" BUT people also disrespect and/or leave behind those who are the opposite too. Any time you're dealing with extremes, there's always a huge chance of rejection/fall out. Being too nice doesn't cut it IF you're being that way to the wrong people OR if you're only being that way for show. And being too difficult or mean doesn't usually work out in your favor b/c the one that's really for you won't appreciate you treating them like shxt, especially if they've done nothing but warrant/earn your respect. Extremes period are a big NO NO!

BUT I think standards are sexy. People nowadays are afraid to verbally tell the other person their standards/expectations. People naturally "Assume" that the other person is somehow supposed to read their mind & thus naturally fit so nicely into their lives. Nope. Doesn't work that way.

And the min. people realize that someone isn't right for them, they continue to stay. They may even try to mold that person into someone they said they weren't or don't wish to be. OR they think "time" will somehow change things. I think THIS is the problem moreso than actually having standards/expectations are the problem.

There's nothing wrong with having a bunch of "friends," (guys who never made it to relationship level with you) AS LONG as they also fit your expectations for what a real "friend is." BUT at the same time, if your ultimate goal/ideal is to end up in a relationship, you can't necessarily always settle for just being the "friend" either.

You'd be surprised. When you tell people what you want up front, they'll be honest with you most of the time. They'll know up front whether or not they match your criteria. Some might still try to keep you around even if they know they aren't what you're looking for. And hey, that's ok b/c after all, their actions (or lack thereof) will expose their intentions eventually.

i reached that point the moment i met my current bf. before that, i thought i was content just having fun. but now i can't imagine going back to that attitude.