Man with baggage—

New to this blog wanted to get some others perspective on how would they take dealing with a guy that has some baggage. First off let me say he is a very nice guy. Caring, considerate, and always polite. He is liked by many and everyone usually have great things to say about him. Okay that is was initally attracted me to him in the first place. Now we have both came forth with how we both like each other more than buddy friends. So now were getting closer and I know Im catching feelings now.

Ok now the baggage: He has three children by the same woman..(that's a plus). Their relationship is over BUT she jus recently had the last child. They broke up before she found out she was pregnant. In my mind Im like I dont wanna be his rebound chick, although I do believe their relationship was fallen apart long b4 I even met him. I even heard from others that this relationship was doomed awhile ago. I can honestly say though that he never made me think that he can not be trusted, its jus that he still has to keep a strong bond with her bcuz of their children. Should I just keep this on a friend level but my feelings are getting stronger.....

No disrespect but IMO run....He has a newborn and this advice came from men, if a child is under 10 he's most likely still having sexual relations with his ex, the relationship is still complicated and their is still a huge chance they are attempting to work the relationship out, something you may not notice or hear about until later down the road when your fully invested and he's playing the i'm so confused card, I don't know who I want. Your risk factor is code red, your in the danger zone, that's not just baggage that's a disaster waiting to happen, right now he says I don't want her, I don't want anything to do with her and tomorrow his paternal instincts kick in and he needs to be their for her and those kids, then it's the ol' I don't want another man around my kids or another woman around my kids, then it's the sleepovers, you know the ones were she has to be in the home, sleeping in his bed and he's sleeping on the couch kind of scenerio's or he's over her house because she needs all this help and voila they are suddenly a couple again....I would suggest being his friend first for a very long time and observe were he's going with his life and which direction he's going with her. Baby mama's have a lot of pull and they can be very convincing, once she decides she wants the father of her child involved more you won't ever get him all to yourself, she will make sure of that....keep it on a friend level only and go date other men that have less baggage and/or older kids say like damn near teenagers and fully separated emotionally and mentally and physically....DOOMED is not even the word, I'm talking A-BOMB, painful experience is watching a man lie to be with another woman he has paternal connections with and yes it will get that bad....I'm sure he's a nice guy but this nice guy has 3 kids, one that happens to be a newborn and that speaks volumes....sexual relations is still amidst between him and his ex. You can't foresee all the non-sense in these kind of situations until your immersed deeply in with a man....there are so many variables with men like this that will and can make you miserable.

^^ that's kenny loggins right there.

i would be direct with him. i'd let him know i was developing strong feelings but am concerned with his situation and his emotional state. he should let u know right then and there where he stands which lets u know where u stand with him at the moment.

the newborn part definitely makes me wanna say just go the friend route right now.

i like bella's advice too!

Well here's the thing...There are different kinds of threats posed to any woman who dates a man whose no longer with the mother of his own kids. Sure 1. There's always the chance that simply BECAUSE of his history with the mother, that things could always be rekindled (even when they shouldn't), thus potentially messing up any new flings in his life. BUT, 2. There's always the problems that come with a man that HAS cut off any emotional/sexual ties with the mother of his children, ESPECIALLY if SHE won't accept the fact that it's over. Sure, of course it always feels good to know when the man is finally done b/c to us that eliminates the fear of him going back to her, cheating on you with her, etc. BUT, since when you date someone with kids, their kids become apart of the package deal & with what comes with dating him too, it's just as certain that any problems the MOTHER might have (either with you OR with him) are a package deal too! In other words, "baby mama drama." Not all "baby mama drama" occurs b/c the man is still going back to his ex. No, sometimes the man really HAS moved on, BUT if SHE hasn't then it's almost just as bad or the same as if he hadn't moved on b/c the same problems can persist. BUT, then again not every ex/baby's mama tries to mess up every new relationship/fling she sees her ex gearing towards. You really need to do your homework & make sure that SHE has let go too, that way the only thing you'll have to agree to accept coming with the territory of being with him IS his 3 kids. If the mother of his kids has moved on & doesn't seem to be the type to cause any problems, then I'd say give it a shot; after all a great guy will be a great guy regardless of how many children he has. And it's no different than a man without kids..he may not be a good guy just b/c he hasn't yet had kids. My advice: Do your homework. Is there any history of her intervening in anything new in his life that does NOT involve her? Do they still have any unfinished business? How does his kids feel about anybody in their father's life OTHER THAN their mother? Those are the things that really matter & can make/break what you both are trying to do

If anything, it's always a good thing when a man has finally admitted to himself that things with his girlfriend/ex won't work out. THAT is progress. BUT that is also just the 1st step. Alot of us are sick & tired of being sick & tired & alot of us just wanna run like hell from the person we used to be in love with. BUT that's just the 1st step. Actually having the time to heal from everything, pick yourself back up, learn from your mistakes & figuring out what your next move will be is the more difficult part. Alot of people actually know deep down that they are with the wrong person OR that they're mentally done with someone. BUT, if they haven't healed from the pain, heartaches or anything that came with the relationship, they'd be just as better of still being with their ex, especially since we all know that baggagge doesn't just go away just b/c the title/marriage does. There is a huge chance that this guy might still have alot of unfinished business with his ex, especially since they just had a newborn not too long ago. And I mean, hey that's not necessarily a bad thing either. It's not necessarily a bad thing for a man to still be emotionally/physically attached to 1. the mother of his kids OR 2. ANYONE he's experienced such a precious moment with not too long ago. If anything, just give him some time to relax, heal from the relationship & clear his head. As the saying goes, if it's meant to be, & patience on either part shouldn't change that. If I were you, I wouldn't necessarily punish him NOW for things you knew about from the beginning BUT then again, be prepared for anything since we've all heard this story before & how situations like this normally turn out. Him having the ability to connect with & vibe with someone else has NOTHING to do how he's dealing or NOT dealing with things emotionally. Even the most scarred & bad people can still have the ability to click with other people. That's why my advice to you is to just do your homework & let the homework make the decision for you

Thanks for all the advice. I do know what I should do its just that I was really starting to catch feelings for him. Its hard for me to stop liking him. Its like he's so nice and I wanna give him the benefit of doubt. Im pretty sure his ex is not ready to move on which is why I have been so suspect of his liking to me. To top it all off, the thing that still gets me is when I found out she actually had the baby, it was the same time we had a date. And we went on the date and had a blast. I didnt find out til after our date like days later that she had the baby. I knew she was about to have the baby but not the day we went out. That really had me like wtf... u know? I was shocked bcuz he is not that type of guy to be so cold at all. He is really a stand up dad, I'll give him that.

Im gonna be honest, I have let my desires for him get in the way of me thinkin clearly... how can I break this?? I did try to come out and ask his feelings and all he could say was he is really liking me beyond the surface of friends, and that he isnt talking or messing with anyone like this except me. Honestly, that really didnt put me @ ease neither. Bcuz I felt that was a general answer you give anyone asking you that type of question. Then on top of that I choked up when I was trying to tell him how I felt...yeah I know I got it bad when I cant say whats on my mind.

When I finally get the realization to step back from him, then Ill be cool again....hopefully lol

Well yeah, it's clear that you're no fool. Your intuition is telling you right. How a man personally feels about the mother of his kids should have absolutely NO impact on him going to see the birth (an experience you can only live through ONCE) of his own newborn. Unless his ex is armed & dangerous there was no excuse for that. Imagine the disrespect his ex probably felt. And like you said best, him not being there for the birth of his own newborn OR atleast him seeming to be all about having fun with someone he barely knows compared to his own family obligations was a pretty cold thing for him to do. One, remember that the biggest jerks of them all ALWAYS start off very sweet. Down the road, don't we all swear that we "never would've thought?" I'm not knocking this guy for trying to step outside of his boundaries & have a little fun, especially if he's got the right motive & intentions with you, BUT if he's already starting out putting you OR fun (in general) over his own family, then THAT'S a big problem & I'm not so sure that's the kind of man any of us women want at the end of the day. Him being charming is great & all, BUT it's all for nothing if priorities aren't together. His ex would probably know a different version of this guy then you do, so at this point it kind of sucks for you b/c you already know that you're coming into a situation with someone that will more than likely backfire on you. I think you know deep down that things just won't work out. That doesn't mean that he's not a good guy or that you're not a good woman. It's just that sometimes it's a little thing called "WRONG TIMING!" Maybe later on, things can work out b/w you 2 w/o you always having that nagging intuition. After all, having those doubts & already coming into possible drama/red flags from the very beginning takes all the fun out of dating. Sure, he might be a great guy all day long BUT, the reality is, he's got ALOT of baggage & sometimes it's not worth it trying to sort through it, especially if you didn't cause it. That's not your job, nor should it ever be. I'm sure you didn't sign up to "share" him with his ex. I'm sure you didn't sign up to only get 1/2 of him. BUT, it's starting to seem like that's exactly what's happend

And I mean hey it doesn't have to be 1 extreme or the other. It's not like you have to be unrealistic & just completely cut him off tomorrow like he never existed. NO, just try to find a balance. Relax a little, take back some of those butterflies he probably's been giving you & just try to allow your logic to have just as much control as your emotions. You've got NOTHING to lose by trying to find that balance. BUT, you've got everything to lose if you let 1 side (emotions) completely outdo the other. Logic comes in handy in situations like this. If you still like this guy as a person, that's fine, you should still be able to have a platonic friendship with him. Don't be selfish. Don't make it into a thing of "If I can't have him as my man then I don't want him at all." Be his friend. After all, what's the rush? If 2 people are truly attracted to eachother for the right reasons, then technically time (that will allow you to FULLY get to know him & for you to do your homework) will only make the likihood of you 2 ending up together more higher! So you have to tell yourself that if you want him THAT bad, then you'll wait vs. being greedy/stubborn & taking him as he is now knowing good & well that things aren't the way they should be. Just cut back a little. For example, if you guys hang out or talk 5 times a day, cut it back to just 2 or 3 times a day. Just allow yourself to be strictly platonic with him, that way your LOGICAL side will be getting to know him well vs. only your emotional side doing all the work. And the good thing about just being friends is that you get the chance to learn ALL their is to learn about someone before signing your name on this dotted line called a relationship. I know it sucks b/c I've been in your situation a couple of times. BUT, remember that the goal is to find happiness & as the saying goes, "He may be right for you, but just not right for you right now." If this guy was putting up a front the whole time to you, it wouldn't surprise me b/c generally you can tell alot about how a man will treat the "next one" by how he treated the last one. If I were you, I'd take a step back. Don't necessarily wait until he literally comes out & confesses everything to you. Use your gut instinct & your common sense..this man is probably emotionally unavailable, & even though he might allow himself to like you, it'll be a different story when it comes to him actually commiting to you. Talk is just talk. Good luck girlie!

Any man that doesn't go see the birth of his child is not all that nice, it's easy to say he's nice when you don't carry emotional baggage with him wilson80, I would not trust a man that wasn't taking interest in his child/children, that screams RED ALERT DOUCHEBAG, yes he may have beef with his ex but to not see his own child's birth that would make me question his Mr.Nice Guy persona, the more you speak about him he seems like he's not all that great....I suggest you cut him off for a little while as in spend less and less time with him and more time with other men that aren't so complicated least until he can be MORE OPEN with you regarding his feelings and were your going with one another....If you get caught up in this dream, your dream, your fantasy your going to be in for a world of disappointment, it's best to keep both feet on the ground, he's going to have to make up for not being at the hospital for that birth eg kissing her ass, you are his rebound chick, he doesn't have any intentions of staying with you, he seems to be looking for an outlet away from the pressures of the ex and kids...use caution

You really shouldn't have to ask him how he feel about you, he should be forthcoming and yes it's okay to say how you feel with him but don't expect any miracles, this guy is unavailable on all levels...

I agree with Tiki...Of course to the other woman, it's always a good feeling when they see their new crush showing that they're willing to spend all their time/energy with them. BUT, that's only okay/cool if him spending his time with you doesn't interfere with his ability to take care of business &/or do what he has to do with other important factors in his life.

Of course it's going to be hard (if not damn near impossible) for you to emotionally break away from him, especially if you keep things at the same pace they have been going. It'll be possible if you take away some of the factors that was the reasons behind why you were starting to fall for him so hard in the 1st place. So if you talking to him/hanging with him all day is a big part of your attraction to him, then you'd be surprised at how cool, calm & collected you'll be if you make an intiative to slow all of that stuff down a little.

I'm not saying up & leave him to the wind as if he never existed. I don't believe in supressing or ignoring a person's own feelings in order to get ahead or get through something. It's okay for you to like this guy, even if you really shouldn't, BUT just don't let your like for him blind you from something that (trust me) you don't want to have to find out later. It's best that you do all your homework now before feelings get even more attached. Yes it sucks, b/c the whole point in dating is to actually find someone that gives us that UMPH we've been looking for! BUT, don't forget that your intuition, common sense & intelligence are there for a reason too & that if you ALLOW it to, it'll override your emotions (when need be) most of the time.

Yes, finding a man that makes you smile again is important, BUT finding a man that takes care of his responsibilities (and no offense, his children should be his TOP priority, whether he's in a relationship with the mother or not) is JUST AS IMPORTANT, if not the MOST important. In other words, imagine if you were in his baby's mother's shoes? I bet he wouldn't seem so attractive then. Learning about a man's character with those most important to him (other than you) is a better indicator of what you're getting yourself into moreso vs. you just going off of how he makes you feel when he's around. Like I said earlier, don't we all always end up saying "In the beginning, things were so wonderful?" IT sucks that his children's mother is probably regretting ever giving herself to him, BUT better her than you

Hey let me clear up one factor I dont think he miss the acutal birth of his child, its jus that we went out later on that night. But it still had me thinking like thats crazy. I can give him credit he does make his children his priority as well. More than what I can say about my child's dad. That was another reason I was attractive to him honestly. And I can say on my end their is NO baggage with me and my child dad its OVER and I NEVER would consider going back. And I know that if one person in any relationship isnt ready to let go there is going to be problems.

Yes this is hard, but we already discuss like if things ever went left in our trying to start something between us that no matter what we'll always be friends. Im woman enough to admit I need to take a step back off I dont want to be any rebound chick and I dont wanna get involved wit something like this. Its been times where I be on the not calling him or not responding to him to keep my distance but then he comes around and says something so sweet, then I get all weak..tear tear. LOL

Its like that heart doesnt have eyes which makes it so hard bcuz ur mind has eyes that can see everything but that heart can only feel, and it doesnt know when to stop....all krazy

Thanks again ladies for your advice

Wilson confirm if he missed it, it sounds like he did, most men would be at the hospital and not out on a date, that doesn't scream good dad to me and if he wasn't at the hospital he would be watching the other kids and helping her recuperate, again even if he just showed up for the birth and left the hospital a couple hours later to go out on a date with you that still seems pretty douchey to me (made up word ).

I caution you step out of that, put both of your feet on the ground and stop assuming he's a great dad, he has the tell tell signs of being a jerk and not that involved....That woman has 3 kids, she's all alone probably still stuck on this man and he's off with you escaping the reality of his commitment with her and those kids, think about if that were you and your man didn't show up for the birth or walked into the hospital, watched you have his baby, left after an hour and your not only dealing with after birth pain, you have 2 other little ones that need attention....Sounds like a bit of abandonment, I sure would feel abandoned if a man treated me like that. Your a mom so you know how alone and empty it can feel to not be close to the father of your child.

Take your time, he's not the only man on the planet, there are men with less emotional drama and you wouldn't want another man walking out of your child's life, think about that before you get heavily involved with any man, if he can walk away from that hospital and go out on a date with you, what do you think he would do to you if you suddenly became pregnant with his child? Most likely he would do you the exact same way, see the birth and leave you as so he can focus on his new life with someone else....What he do to her will be done to you, it's pretty pathological behavior, meaning it's his pattern to most likely to be selfish...You can't see the selfishness NOW because you have already formed a set idea about who he is and to me that's pretty dangerous considering you don't really know KNOW him, you only know what he chooses to allow you to know.

If he do that to her then he will do it to you and that's what you need to pay attention to.