Need Advice

I need some advice from someone that has either gone through what I'm going through or is going through at the moment. I've been staying with my boyfriend who I call my husband (not legally married) for 9 months now, since the time we started staying together there have been many arguments. Particularly, me arguing with him about the many women that he couldn't get rid of however, he never slept with these women (so he says), he just talk to them. Anyway, I always believed that he did and I cheated on him with an ex-boyfriend that I thought loved me so much. With that I ended up pregnant and couldn't be sure who the father was because in the midst of my infidelity the protection gave way and broke while I was trying to push him off me. Anyway,when I found out I was pregnant I told my husband and he started acting weird because he knew something was wrong. When I finally broke the news to him that I cheated he was so angry. In order to try to make it work I had to have an abortion. I told him it was his baby to try to ease the pain,but I was more than certain that it wasn't. When I told my ex,he called me an idiot and said it wasn't his baby.My husband has forgiven me and taken me back, but I hate myself so much.Nothing he's done is as bad as what I've done and everyday, I pray that the Lord would just take me. Its become hard to stay or to accept his love because I feel so ashamed.The ring he brought me in April,I no longer where because I feel I don't deserve to I cry everyday and am so remorseful. I love him so much and rather than leave,I would rather die. I contemplate suicide in my sleep when I can sleep.Now that you know my story what can I do to forgive myself for this?

You just do!

Look everyone makes mistakes. There isn't a perfect person on the face of the earth. (Myself excluded. lol!)

What you really need to ask yourself is why are you sabotaging your marriage?

Men like happy women and if you don't pull it together, your husband is going to leave you. And that is the truth. Is that what you want? If it isn't than, snap out of it. What is done is done and well, life goes on.

Start looking for the joy in life and stop rolling around in your own emotional feces. Stop playing the victim and punishing everyone around you. Life is hard enough without you making it worse for yourself.

I believe that you are wrong about me. Obviously, you didn't get that I'm actually sorry about what I did. Some people can sleep at night knowing they've done the wrong thing, but I can't. People like that don't have a conscious, but I do. So playing the victim is something I'm certainly not doing. And as far as me sabotaging my marriage there are two-sides to every story. I'm simply telling you mine. The hurt goes both ways so he isn't a victim either. However, to me it doesn't matter,what matters is that I DID WRONG, it doesn't matter to me what he did which are things I didn't even discuss in the message.

Ok so if you were to kill yourself what do you think would happen to your "husband" then.You not only will have "cheated" on him physically,you'll cheat him out of being with the woman he loves.I think thats what LS was getting at,stop looking at it like you are doing here and think about what it'd do to HIM if you were to be stupid.In a sense your punishing him because of what you think,you,him,deserve,don't deserve,etc.Yeah,yeah we know you are ashamed and feeling guilty blah but....Why does he deserve more pain?Your issue isn't about him its more about YOU and what you aren't willing to do for him.Not to mention your family and friends also....theres consequences for everything and you've already dealt with the consequences of your cheating by knowing and admitting to yourself you were wrong.All others are excuses and trying to escape from dealing with them through death.Its selfesh,no matter how much you try to make about your hurting him.See a shrink.

Essence, what part are you the most regretful over? The fact that you cheated on your "husband", the fact that you were jealous and possessive of him, or the fact that you used abortion as a form of birth control just so you could "make it work"?

It certainly doesn't sound like you are remorseful about the abortion.

essence, please take into your heart my words. yes, we all do make mistakes. and some are far worse than others. however ending your life is not the answer to all you are currently feeling inside. take this from one who knows. for close to 25 years i lived on the edge of suicide myself. the pain was so overwhelming that at times it made sense to me! TG that part of my life is healed. we are meant to learn from our mistakes, and this can start by shifting your awareness to gratitude. start with the small stuff, like a beautiful sky, or an unexpected smile.. watch your diet and eat wellness foods. it's possible that your hormones are wacked with all the body changes, and this can affect how you are feeling. you could be experiencing a grieving process and in denial about it. lot's of stuff here and too much to process without support. i agree with the others about counseling. go back to the woman's family planning center and ask for additional counseling. if you are in school, the student health clinic will have resourses to assist you. call CONTACT, which is a crisis phone help center and they will guide you too. please don't feel you are alone. more of us have been through bad times than you can imagine. "mistakes" bring growth and the path to a beautiful and fulfilling life is nornally full of em!

(misspelled- normally) also your post gave me the impression you are feeling much guilt about the men stuff, but abortion can fill you with stuff you don't want to face, and you end up transfering those to outer stuff (men) rather than face the deeper causes of your thoughts of suicide. people who commit suicide ARE NOT IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS. if you choose not to seek counseling for whatever reason, at the very least get some books on women's health that deal with emotional and spiritual healing.

Yeah,I think theres a depressive disorder with some women after giving birth,miscarriage or having abortions also.Post something or other but yeah,either way suicide is a bad idea and isn't a good thing ever for anyone.I know way too many people who are currently clinically depressed and on meds due to a suicide of family members.

One 17 year old shot himself in head,his mother is now on anti-depressants and still doesn't ever want to get out of bed.Children are supposed to see thier parents die not the other way around in her mind,if he hadn't of taken his own life,it probably would've been that way.His little sister shortly after that attempting suicide also but than looked at her mother and got help before the pills killed her and got her stomach pumped.If she hadn't ave changed her mind and got help her mother would've literally had no reason to live then,it causes more pain than the person who took thier life could ever imagine for the people they loved most.

My husband told me that I had to get an abortion in order for us to stay together and because I was in the wrong, I felt it was fair. I'm not sad about the abortion at all. I was just telling the events that took place due to my stupidity. That was one of them. I had to do it if I wanted to reconcile with him bad enough and I did.

OK, from all that you've written I now suggest professional counseling is so necessary to get your head straight! You said you didn't trust the "husband". you cheated on him with someone else, and got pregneant. Then this "husband" you didn't trust tells you to get an abortion in order to stay with him, and you do! Now you are having suicidal fantasies. Child, you need help, and obviously those of us on this board are unable to get through to you.

Thanks Tiamat for clarifying my point! 🙂

You definitely need to seek help from a licensed professional. Coming on this site seeking advice from us is clearly not the route to take.

You are going through some emotional and physical trauma right now. We cannot provide the guidance or advice or medication you need to overcome this.

An pregnancy/abortion caused by an affair and a hurt boyfriend (he's NOT your husband) is a subject better left to a professional.

let's suppose that we have,"walked in your shoes". suggesting that there is deeper stuff going on is then, based on experience. sometimes people will lay out their problems, ask for help from friends, etc.. receive sound advice, only to ignore it. we all are in agreement that a qualified professional counselor is your best option.
it's your call.

We're breaking up so this no longer matters and I no longer feel bad anymore. We had a heart-to-heart talk the other day and obviously I wasn't the only one who had a big secret. Here I was feeling so bad (which I still do) about what I did and according to him, he cheated on me three months into our relationship. So if he knew this then why was he mad when I did it to him. He tried to make it seem like I was so bad when he did the exact same thing and way before I did. Now I call it even. I had no idea this had happened ,it was always an assumption and I almost went completely insane because of what I did. I've never even stole a penny so to have done something that bad just was beyond me. Now, I'm very upset because he has made me feel like trash since the "wrong-doing". I was repaying him and I didn't even know what for, now I know and now I'm not so sad about hurting him.

essence, i say you still need to seek help. you considered suicide over this. you planted that idea into your head and anytime that happens, there's a deeper reason for it.

i'm sorry he cheated on you early on.

Essence, you stated in the beginning u felt he was sleeping with the women.. i think u knew somewhere inside he wasnt being true to you.. an as for him making you out to be the bad guy.. its for his benefit so he didnt look bad himself.. and to feel better .. my opinion there.. i also agree with the others about you needing some therapy..its not bad to see a therapist, it dont make u less of a person.. you do suffer from depression..an for any man to ask a woman to have an abortion to keep the relationship.. is red flags there as it is.. and u will be haunted with the decsions u made.. but it will heal.. you have to heal with in your self and learn to accept what has been done before you can begin to forgive yourself and move on.. you state thats its over now..but how are you truly feeling inside.. you still have issues you have to live with.. regardless if its over.. please talk to somebody.. if you want to talk to me on the side.. send me a private message and we can go from there.. im not a professional.. but i have always been there to help ppl and many come to me for just an ear or sound advice.. sorry you had to go through all this.. i hope things look up for you..

AK

cool - glad to hear its all ok for you - wanted to say there plenty of others - and yep prob best to start again for you - dont worry about the suicide thing - thats just you gettin para - its an obvious thing to hook your mind on - not serious thing - chill!!!
course hes going to make you feel bad for it - all men would - glad you feel better now...good luck with future and sure you will be absolutely fine - the abortion thing is fine also - dont make a big deal of it if you can manage it and deff no guilt there - just look at it like this .... child with the ex that had some probs in relationship..er not so good .... child with the ex ex boy - no way he wouldnt have likeed that !!! so you done the right thing - get pregs in the most secure of enviroments possible with the person most likely to have a long happy relationship with. i dont recon you need any conselling - you done right thing - maybe just a chit chat with your mum and a hug do the trick. sit back go out - meet another person in time and sure everything will be ok. good luck xxx