The Ex 's In Your Relationships

Hi all.

I've been talking to several friends of mine about this for the past week asking their opinions and I decided to post the topic here. Plenty of you are in relationships and I thought it would not only be an interesting topic, but perhaps someone would say something here that may change my opinion. Stranger things have happened lol.

In your current relationships, what role does your partner's ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend play, friends that your partner loves and has had a long term sexual relationship with, or those classified as 'just friends' play?

Do you believe your partner should still be close friends with these people or that such a friendship is asking for trouble?

Moreover, what kind of communication and relating between them would you deem inappropriate? Sex talk, flirting, clubbing, nights out drinking, getting sloshed, dinner, a quiet night in watching movies with take out, cuddling, hugging, or do you feel that for whatever reason, men and women while in a relationship can't be friends with the opposite sex?

Or, does it just boil down to trust? Separate lives in regards to each other's friends and trust the other not to have a physical relationship with them?


Feel free to comment. I'm curious to hear men and women's take on this.


Thanks,

VirgoSquared

WELL MY DUDE THINKS HE IS THE ONLY ONE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP CAPABLE OF HAVING FREINDS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX..HE HAS CLOSE FREINDS FROM THE PAST THAT HE STILL TALKS TO..AND THEY ALL KNOW WHO I AM..BUT ON THE OTHER HAND IF I WERE TO SHOW ANY INTEREST IN HAVING A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH A MALE FREIND..FROM MY PAST..(DOESN'T NECESSARLY HAVE TO BE AN EX)..HE COMPLETELY FLIPS OUT..AND IS GREEN WITH JEALOUSY.ITS FRUSTRATING..AND I BELIEVE IT WILL EVENTUALLY DRIVE US APART..ARIES x2 IS A BAD COMBINATION MOST OF THE TIME..WE BOTH HAVE JEALOUSY ISSUES.

Hi SexyAries.

Your boyfriend is an Aries as well? You said he has friends of the opposite sex, but do you mind him having those friends?

Ex's?

**NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER** Your bf or gf friends with an ex? That's insane, makes no sense to me at all. If ex's are still 'friends', there's something there, whatever "SOMETHING" may be doesn't matter... it's there.

It may be a lingering attraction, interest or full blown relationship of some sort... fukk buddies perhaps? That fun, naughty thing on the side... it's there.

It's not about trust... it's a judgment thing. It may be an old toy, but it's there, you can't trust the kid (even IF he lost interest in it) to nEvEr EvEr play with it again if he keeps it in his toy box... after all, he knows how it works. And who's to say he doesn't have a reason for not throwing it away... hmmmm

TC.. i totally agree with ya... i mean u always have feelings for ur X.. even if things didnt workout between ya and if u find (s)he's still diggin' ya.....TROUBLE baby.. i wouldnt want my BF to be close to his EX or whatever 🙂....

umm. I think its good to be friends with the ex. Its better when you have both moved on thou. Like the ex I was last with - I was with for 4 years & we were going to get married - I am still friends with thou we don't talk much anymore - he is now engaged & I am living with my new bf. But it took me years to get over it & we still had sex right up till I met mr Bf. The thing is we shared history & if you are really over each over in that sense then it should not be a problem - you should talk to your partner about it thou & if he/she doesn't want you to hang out with them you should respect that.
mr bf is friends with most of the ex's & was talking to the ex shaggs too until I made it clear I didn't want him talking to the ex shaggs because most of them still wanted to be with him. He still talks to his last long term ex thou. But he really doesnt like her - he makes that clear.
He doesn't want me to talk to guys or go out with them - that is fair & I don't think women should be talking to random guys when in a long term relationship. And he doesn't want me talking to the ones that are still in love with me - which I don't 🙂

OF COURSE I DO..BUT I DON'T MAKE A BIG STINK ABOUT IT..ITS JUST THAT HE FEELS ITS OKAY FOR HIM TO HAVE FEMALE FREINDS AND NOT ME(GUY FREINDS)!..

Yeah guys,

I kind of agree. I don't believe feelings just "disappear." When your partner has been in love with someone, in a relationship with someone, or just fuk buddies, feelings remains. Especially in cases when the break wasn't really a break.

At the same time though, is it fair to just get rid of that 'friend' when you get in a relationship?


VirgoSquared

I always cut it off clean with no ties. Why invite trouble?

it is trouble for sure. but im involved with someone and i am still friends with my ex. still feelings? for sure, but they are not of the romantic kind... my heart is all into the man im seeing right now. as for my ex and his feelings towards me... really hard to say so i wont try, but he's told me he cherishes our relationship as friends. so do i.

he (current guy) is still friends with his ex as well. i completely trust him. he's given me no reason not to.

Hi all,

CreepyPants you admit that it's trouble and you admit the feelings for your ex are still there ... so do you two still go out alone? Dinner, perhaps a movie, drinking?

How do you talk to each other? Do you guys engage in sex talk or sex jokes? For instance, you two are talking, you ask him for a favor and he says something like, "I'll do it, but you owe me anal" or whatever else. Would you even care if this was how your man related to his ex?

On a side note . . . when people say stuff like this, they're so not joking. It's one of those, "I'm joking if you're not into it. If you are game, meet me upstairs with a smile and handcuffs." sayings.

So for those of you that keep your ex's as friends, where do you draw the line in relating to them?

I'm with everyone else on this one. If the feelings are still there in the least, it's easy to fall back into those patterns. The "Love him/her" but not in "love with him/her" is such bull. Once those old patterns get a chance to renew . . .

just my take.

Let's hear it lol


VirgoSquared

"CreepyPants you admit that it's trouble and you admit the feelings for your ex are still there ... so do you two still go out alone? Dinner, perhaps a movie, drinking?

How do you talk to each other? Do you guys engage in sex talk or sex jokes? For instance, you two are talking, you ask him for a favor and he says something like, "I'll do it, but you owe me anal" or whatever else. Would you even care if this was how your man related to his ex?"


Well, he actually lives several hundred miles away from me now. So meeting up isn't easy. We met up in CA for one of my very good friends weddings and ya, he and i hung out just the two of us, indeed alone, for a few days in San Francisco. I don't see that as being a big deal. We even went to our favorite restaurant from when we had dated (we met in CA). Things have just changed between he and I. The dynamic and the feelings are vaaastly different, for me at least. And of course I can understand how that would irk a significant other. It would irk me. The new guy knew exactly where I was, who I was with and what we were doing. He very honestly said that knowing how I feel about my ex now, he trusts me. As he should.

My ex and I talk every once in a few days and we talk like normal friends would. Awhile ago he used to crack the sexual jokes as you described and i'd crack back, but when i realized i had feelings for the new guy, i told him that had to stop and he respected that request.

My ex is special to me. He takes a very special place in my heart and he and I would do almost anything for each other, but his place in my life is just like that of any other good friend. I dont forget our memories together, but they have their place as well... good memories in the back of my mind because i have an amazing guy right now in the forefront that i hope and plan on making better memories with. so far, we're doing just that 🙂

Would I care if the new guy talked to his ex in a sexual way? Hail ya I would. And I'd be straight about telling him exactly how i feel about it.

The trouble that i was talking about just comes from the petty arguments he and i have always had about pointless bullsh*t. The difficulty that one of us has moved on plays a part in instigating in some way some of those arguments, no doubt.

Ya, keeping the friendship isnt always a walk in the park. It's either cutting off all ties until we/he can get over the emotional separation (my problem is losing a friend, his is the same but could be more... i dont wanna completely speak for him), or keeping the friendship and knolling out the kinks(arguments).

One would initially be very difficult, and eventually we'd both get used to having one less amazing person in our lives. probably always hoping they'd reappear. The other, we get to keep the warm friendship we're used to while working through the smaller difficulties together. Right now, we've opted for the latter.

I cut it off because it would pain me to see her with someone else down the line and KNOWING she must be miserable having to suffer with less than perfect! 🙂

LOL!!!

VS,

When a person loves another, the place in their heart never goes away. I divorced my first husband in 1979, and still, the place he held, is still there. Just because you don't see this person anylonger doesn't STOP the feelings. The reason why someone would protest or forbid their lover from seeing an ex is because of their own jealously . . . period. It's not about respect, or anything else . . it's the green-eyes monster, which has been stated, and nothing more . . pure jealousy.

In knowing this is the motivation in which makes a person forbid their gf/bf from seeing an ex, here's how I obtain peace within this situation:

If the reason why people would protest against their current lover from seeing an ex is because that person MIGHT have feelings seems silly because there's no "might" to it. Out of sight, does NOT mean out of mind, out of heart. Just because your man is prancing around with his arm around you, doesn't mean there's not a place in his heart for another . . so, the forbidding him from seeing the other, is really quite stupid because it doesn't make the feelings go away.

So, if there's some way to becomes friends with this person that your gf/bf is feeling, then wouldn't it seem logical to find a way to turn the loving feelings into something else, like friendship? When you think about an ex, you think about the love and sex you had with this person . . and you will always have this in your mind because it's the only way you ever knew this person. But, if you could learn to like or even love this person as a friend . . wouldn't you rather have your girlfriend think of him as a friend, rather than a lover? Without finding another, non-sexual way of viewing this ex . . that is how she will remember . . for always.

Personally, I would rather my husband remember one of his pasts as a friend, rather than her sexuality. Without obtaining a different way of remembering her, that is what he is going to feel for her, whether he ever lays eyes on her again, or not. So, from my perspective . . being friends with an ex enables my husband's feelings for his ex to change into something that would not make me jealous.

You know, I talked to a female friend of mine last night. She told me how a year or so ago, she broke up from this guy that treated her badly. So, she gets into another relationship and talks to the guy she broke up with behind her new man's back.

Moreover, she admitted she still loved him and when women stay in contact with their Ex's, many times they're in denial about still being in love with them.

She admitted that at the time, were someone to ask her about it, she would've said, "No. It's over between us. We're just friends." Not because she was lying, but more because she couldn't even admit to herself she was still in love with him.

This is a bit telling. Ladies, or fellas for that matter.

Do you find this is the case when you keep ties open with your former lovers? You're with the hapless rebound guy or girl, but still love the other. Is this something you can even admit to yourself at the time ... coming clean with your true feelings?


VirgoSquared

Hi P,

I agree, I don't think one can "forbid" another from doing anything, especially not dictate their friendships. If that is even an issue, the parties should call the relationship quits.

To say being uncomfy with an EX is jealousy pure and simple is an absolute, which means on it's face, it's typically wrong. Perhaps the ex was abusive and the partner feels protective. Perhaps, the partner genuinely LOVES gf/bf and don't want to see them hurt. So, yeah, it could be jealousy, but it also could be other things.

Actually, you're wrong on this one. It's not "jealousy" in as much as "insecurity." The words are not synonymous since jealousy means something totally different.

If you read what everyone has been writing her, regardless of what they're saying, what's coming across is "insecurity." The remaining friends with the EX ... what the people are saying her is why risk old patterns emerging. You and your hubby sound great together. This is not everyone though, nor do I think you can genuinely argue people shouldn't be uncomfy about their gf/bf remaining close friends with their EXs. After all, there was "love" and "sex" and "relating" and "the wanting of more" for a period of time. You admit yourself, those things don't just evaporate.

People are not "ideals." Pratically speaking, people do and SHOULD access threats to their security, relationships being a part of that security.

I don't know, I don't disagree with you. I do believe trust is paramount in any successfull relationship. Practically speaking though, people are different, and what one needs to reach that trust may not be something the other can supply for whatever reason. For most people though, keeping close ties with someone they still (by your admission) love doesn't help the cause.

VirgoSquared

"Do you find this is the case when you keep ties open with your former lovers?"

VS, if you're still having feelings for another person, your heart isn't turned on and off, by being in their presence. If she still loves him, it matters not, whether she's keeping in contact with him . . because her heart still feels.

This is something that I don't understand in people at all. Take a woman for example, in her mind, if she's with her boyfriend all the time, then she thinks that he doesn't have the opportunity to shag another woman and therefore is making him stay faithful to her . . to satisfy her ownself, so she won't feel jealous, or forsaken. But, if he's still FEELING this other woman . . then how does this possessiveness keep him?

Do you want your man to love only you . . . or just pretend that he does, to satisfy yourself? Get my meaning. I would rather that he loves only me (that way), so I would prefer that he find a way to befriend an ex, rather than have hidden desires that could, and probably would tear us apart.

Jealousy is a selfish emotion . . and it doesn't prevent your man/woman from loving another person. If you want your lover to WANT only you, then you have to allow them to come to terms with exactly WHAT they are feeling, so they can make adjustments. If you don't allow them to come to terms with what they are feeling, then it will always be a secret desire for sex because it's the only thing they remember as to why they loved this other person so much.

"It's not "jealousy" in as much as "insecurity.""

Agreed . . insecurity is what causes the jealousy. I can't say for other people's relationships, only my own, so that's where I pull my experiences from.

Then there are some people, like someone mentioned in an earlier post, that to even have friends, the bf would flip-out. This seems so silly to me, cause to me, in my world . . I have friends that I feel more love for than an ex-lover. So, to say that a current lover can't see an ex, yet, can see a friend to whom you love even more, seems so self-delusional on the side of the person being insecure.

I don't know, just throwing soem thoughts out there.

No P, feel free to throw as many thoughts out as you like lol.

I TOTALLY appreciate your take. It certainly makes sense, it just seems difficult to pull off.

Feeling regards no one as master. I say that to say, they come and go as they please, not caring if they're correct or not. There are some people who wouldn't give a second thought to their significant other being with another. Others flip out at the very notion. At best, we're left to experiencing the feeling and trying to temper the response.

Trying to second guess your partner intentions, seems to me, the hardest thing in a relationship, no matter what the issue at hand is.

You never really know, unless they tell ya . . know what I mean?

Yes, I know what you mean.

But I don't think anyone "wants" or "tries" to second guess their partner's intention. For an infinite number of reasons, not just from insecurity, it happens though.

Not to mention P, people can tell you anything. Like the case mentioned above, she didn't even admit to herself she loved dude, so I don't think we can just go on what's said.

If what people say don't jive with what they do then . . .

VS, I can't help but to assume that this is coming from something personal that you're struggling with. For several nights now, I've been thinking about it and hoping not because I love your woman very much and you too. I hope everything is alright.

That was personal and I don't expect you to answer . . I was just stating my concern.

Actually P,

I'll answer. This comes from two places. One place is the conversations I've been having with a friend of mine, the other is from the woman above I spoke of.

Also, if you believed such was personal, why would you state your concern here versus mail?

Just seems a bit 'fishy' lol.

"Just seems a bit 'fishy' lol."

lol, that was funny. I do feel that way . . it's just that I posted the first and then realized that I shouldn't have been so open about it, so came back and said it was personal.

You know me, I looked at things that aren't said, as well as the things that are said. Sounding fishy again? lol,

Anyway, sorry for the intrusion of that question.

Um *scratches head* no EX's should be really close. I mean yes you are going to always have a special place in your heart for them but sometimes you have to be careful about those sorts of things. Feelings show up at the strangest times. Communication is always the key. Talk to your significant other about the feelings. Just remember whatever you are imposing on the other person bf/gf would you want it turned around and done to you? Like if s/he wanted you to leave ex's alone would you? Give it some thought.

Me-Far to Jealous...i am insecure in the worst way sometimes. So i don't like it and i don't beleive I would allow that.

No prob P,

I laughed.

Karima27 I agree.

The thing is though, for me, I wouldn't play the role of the heavy. I would never say, "You shouldn't talk to this or that person." I mean really, the other is an equal. I don't think that'll fly. Besides, I'd take serious issue if someone tried to do that with me. You're right Karmia, it's an issue of fairness.

Or is it? Is it fair in a relationship for the other to jeporadize it by putting themselves in potentially compromising positions with their former, perhaps future, lover?

Alcohol, quite dinners, cuddling, sex talk, sex jokes . . .doesn't seem that safe to me. Shouldn't fairness be on both sides?

"Is it fair in a relationship for the other to jeporadize it by putting themselves in potentially compromising positions with their former"

Not fair, at all, from my eyes. Respect is the real issue, I should think. If you truly respect your partner, then you'll do whatever is necessary to honor that other person, whether you agree, or not. If it makes your partner uncomfortable for you to have contact in any form, then the person should WANT to not have the contact.

Unfortunately, it seems with a lot of people I know, one person has to "forbid" the other, and that just doesn't seem right, to me. That doesn't seem genuine, or respectful . . just listening to orders, and grudgingly obeying.

If my husband felt uncomfortable by me having contact with an ex, because I respect him and his feelings, I would just cut contact without question.

ex's are still 'friends', there's something there, whatever "SOMETHING" may be doesn't matter... it's there.


Yes, think of Ross and Rachel from Friends...look what happened there!

LOL

For those of you who say "no contact whatsoever" what's the fear?

Infidelity? The out of sight out of mind notion? Does the uncomfortable feeling that comes along with a gf/bf keeping close ties to their Ex originate from the idea that the person you're with still loves their Ex?

I mean, it's one thing to think it, but perhaps seeing them together or knowing they talk daily, and go out together whenever, makes it that much more clearer. It accentuaes the knowing that you, at the end of the day, may just, be, a "stand in."

P-Angel's right, they would love their Ex regardless. Taking them away doesn't change that, not to mention, would you even want to take them away from this person they love since it'll make them unhappy?

It seems the issue is coming to grips with the fact the person you're with loves another. Knowing there is still love between them; their talking, interacting, going out for dinner, drinking, movies, cuddling; it accentuates that love, constantly reinvigorating what's between them. Even more so when Ex is still sexually interested.

I think this is the issue with Exs. I'm curious, if I'm on the right track with this, the question becomes...

Would you want to be with someone full well knowing they still love another and also knowing this person they love will continue to be a close part of their life? Would it even matter they spend most of their time with you when you know, their is always the other?


VirgoSquared

The final answer to your question for me would be a firm-No-! If they are so in love with them. Why am i even here?

Sadly, a lot of people do that very thing. Some people are so detached from themselves and wanting to be 'wanted', that they would not comprehend that they were subconsciously ignoring the truth.

I seriously doubt that I could continue in a relationship when I knew that my partner was pining away for someone else. If you knew that this was happening, for what purpose would someone stay? Because of their own rejection, or attention issues, that they are too afraid to admit and deal with? I don't know.

So, I guess that mental "cheating" is still cheating, if it takes away from the love you claim to hold for your partner. Even if you don't realize it yourself, it still exists because your heart belongs to another, no matter where your physical body is laying.

In this theory, it reinforces my original thoughts where I was saying that physical "cheating" is not necessarily as harmful to the union, as the emotional cheating. People would only focus on the physical aspects and force thier man/woman to adhere to their faithfulness and not bed another . . when in reality, if that person desires to sleep wiht another . . it's still the same thing. Remaining faithful doesn't mean anything in the relationship, if your heart is with another. However, if you love the other person emotionally, then what you will want is to only lay with your partner because you feel them in your heart.

Ok, I stick to my original theory on this one . . the physical loyalty isn't what is needed to continue in developing a trusting and respectful relationship.

"Do you find this is the case when you keep ties open with your former lovers? You're with the hapless rebound guy or girl, but still love the other. Is this something you can even admit to yourself at the time ... coming clean with your true feelings?"

- i agree with this theory. for example, my ex left me 3 months ago to be with another girl but he still contacts me once in a while just to see "how i am doing"...now, i am friends with some of my ex's, but i do not become friends with them within a month after breaking up...that just doesn't seem right to me. there is something more behind it. i think the girl he is with now is absolutely the rebound girl, and she is everything i am not...in fact, she is more like a buddy to him then anything else.
so the above, i think, describes my ex and he would NEVER admit to it...but why else would he still be checking up on me when he is the one who broke ties with me— hmmm...

It reall is a case-by-case thing to me. I would really prefer that people who they were just "screwing around with" to stay away....far away. As for people that they may have dated but later became really good friends with who truly value the other as a person, I don't mind them being around as long as its not excessive or doesn't happen too often without my presence. Besides, if they really were supposed to be together i wouldn't be in the picture.

When you all say stay away, does it just hanging out, or does it mean all communication?

Talking, chatting, coffee shops, whatever.

It means all communication that takes effort. If they see each other on the street I would hope they'd speak and acknowledge each other....but no planned outtings......no conversations on the phone should be happening. What's the purpose? They aren't friends. There is no reason to communicate with a fu(k buddy that has not become a true friend but to set up another fu{k.

Ah, I see.

How about this line. Your partner, the love of your life tells you, "I love you and I want to be with you, but I also love my Ex." The Ex being her best friend.

Your partner also exposes she shouldn't be around the Ex because your partner still loves their Ex.

I mean, even if your partner loves you and wants to be with you. Does it matter when they still love their Ex and want to stay in contact with them. Talking on the phone, going out every so often . . .does it even matter if they decide not to be around their Ex because of you, since after all, whether they're with them or not, they still love their Ex and whether they're with them or not, they still want to interact with them.

Wow, that's a screwy one.

Hopefully I would be able to pull that one out before we got too deep. I wouldn't put up with that for a second.

I think that if they are still in love with someone else, th ere will be signs. I don't think the scenario that you put above happens without some serious clues going on. I can't see myself being in it...unless the ex comes back on the scene out of the blue...in that case....its a fight to death. And I would not want the ex around. Although, I would also be preparing myself to immediately let go should my wishes not be adhered to.

CancerLA,

okay, let's modify "in love" with just "loves." For me, I don't make a distinction, but, and no offense ladies, women seem to believe there's a difference.

"I love you and want to be with you, but I still love him."

For me, it boils down to this. If I can look you in the eye and say, "I love you and ONLY you" and the person can't honestly say exactly the same. There's a serious issue.

Especially when they can't say it because of they're still "friends" with the person they also love.

I don't think I'm wrong in this.

Comments?

No I'm all man and I think "love" and "in love" are different. There are some people who will always have a place in your heart no matter who comes along. You love them. Doesn't mean you eeeeeeeeever want to be with them again....but you do love them....like you love a really good friend, but with slightly more history. Loving someone won't make you confused about your relationship with me....your love for them has nothing to do with me....and hopefully unless I'm a complete a-hole I have some people in my past that I still "love" as well....but don't want to be with. Now "in love"——? that's when I go and get my gun...

"that's when I go and get my gun..." LOL

for me, ex's usually get my jealousy/suspicions up. i would definitely not like them making plans all the time and getting together without me there. not that i'm possesive or anything, lol, just wary i guess that something may spark again.

however, i have "evolved" somewhat and just tell myself, if it's gonna happen, it will. there's nothing i can do to stop it, so why fret unnecessarily? much better to put that the energy into the relationship, rather than focusing on something negative.

i have an ex that i was with for 10 yrs. he emails me from time to time to keep in touch. he was my best friend for nearly a third of my life and can't just ignore him like he didn't exist. i care about what happens to him, but that doesn't mean that i'm in love with him. we don't see each other though, i told him that would be too much for right now.

the only thing i would add is that if my partner told me that it really bothered him, out of respect for my partner i would probably just keep it to emails, or if necessary include him in any plans so he sees there's nothing going on. actually, my ex is a really nice guy, they'd probably end up being golfing buddies 🙂

no. I think an ex is an ex. they're history. why keep them around. yes, you might care about them, probably for the rest of your life. but, to have them as a friend-no. my ex had his ex, who used to call him when we were dating almost 3-4 time/week. drove me f-in crazy. talked about her, and her great f-in kids, and how f-in great she was. we wouldn't have had as many problems as we did, if she was not in the picture. as for my ex, they remain just a memory.

To me..

Ex is like rotten tooth? when you drag it out, its gone for ever, unless their share something personal.. like kids? but even at this point, they are EX.

That?s why we call it EX?

Make sure you burn the bridge before you move ahead?.. Having ex in mind and living with someone else is no good... Morally and emotionally..

GREAT TOPIC

(LIBRA FEMALE)

I HAD A EXCELLENT RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PISCES EX (3 YEARS)...HE STILL CALLS ME EVEN AFTER I HAVE TOLD HIM A MILLION F-ING TIMES I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP ...WHY DOES HE STILL LINGER I DONT KNOW BUT I DONT THINK ANYONE SHOULD BE IN CONTACT WITH A EX

MOST PEOPLE THAT STILL WANT TO BE IN CONTACT WITH AN EX IS STILL HOLDING ONTO SOME FORM OF FEELINGS OR EMOTIONS ...AND IN NEED OF THAT COMFORT ZONE .....MAYBE EVEN THE OPPURTUNITY TO BE BACK WITH THAT PERSON ..I FEEL THAT ME AND MY EX DID OUR COURSE IN TIME I HAVE NO ANGER TOWARDS HIM THE BREAK UP WAS ALL ABOUT MY HAPPINESS ..I DONT LIVE FOR THE PAST I LIVE FOR THE FUTURE ..............MY NEW RELATIONSHIP I REFUSE TO BRING BAGGAGE'S FROM THE PAST WHETHER IT WAS GOOD OR BAD ...

AS WRITTEN BY ONE OF THE MEMBERS "no. I think an ex is an ex. they're history. why keep them around. yes, you might care about them, probably for the rest of your life. but, to have them as a friend-no".

diam2cute,

Unfortunately I totally agree. If not still carrying a flame for the ex, or the ex carrying a flame for the partner, there's obviously unresolved feelings there. I mean to love someone you've had a sexual relationship with, I don't believe there can be friendship there.

When your girlfriend or boyfriend tries to convince you, "We're just friends." Totally BS. Granted, this can't be the case in every situation because people are different and absolutes are typically wrong, but I would say in most cases, there's something there.

To be in a relationship with someone that still loves their ex and wants to interact and be around them . . . not cool by any means. Not to mention, when (girlfriend or boyfriend) they recognize if they continue to socialize with their ex that the relationship has a better chance of ending than if they weren't interacting with their ex and they still continue to interact with them and can't be without them . . .they've found themselves in a position of the You versus the ex. To not be able to make up their mind or to not being able make a decision, they've actually made a decision!

Their indecision is telling. They've demonstrated the Ex is not just a "friend."

Not to mention, you can't tell your girlfriend/boyfriend to stop socializing with their ex. For one, they're adults. You can't tell another of equal statue what to do. Secondly, they're going to still love them, probably long for them, and really, would you want to be in a relationship with someone that's longing for another? No one in their right mind would. Not to mention, they can just lie. There's no way to keep tabs on them and if you have to, you probably shouldn't be with them in the first place. Third, for myself, I wouldn't want someone to stop dealing with someone they love for my benefit. It's something they have to do on their own accord without my intervention. I would rather they just do their thing and leave me with the choice of "I can deal with this" or "I can't deal with this" and proceed with my life accordingly.

I think the general consenus in this thread is friends with an ex is at the very least trouble and at worst, for whatever reason (infidelity, distrust, disrespect, or insecurity) the end of the relationship.

It's a bunch of shitty options when you love someone, but, what can you do. Such is life I guess 🙂

VirgoSquared