Prenup before Love?

Hi Everybody,

Should prenups come before love?

The recent discussions on age differences and gaps didn't mention how life can jade people as they get older. After 2 days with his family I learned what may be a big part of his reluctance to commit and let himself feel love the way I do. He sais before he can decide if he wants a future with me, he wants a prenup agreement. I was completely caught offguard.

He has two brothers both of which are both in their second marriage with younger women who according to him have trapped their husbands into marriage without prenups. He sais that he sees his brothers are stuck in unhappy marriages and that they have to get along and work it out. Both brothers would be left with little or no assets if they leave their current relationships because they would both have two families on alimony and child support for 4 & 5 children.

His attitude went from a happy comfortable mood to a sour oppressive cloud around him. I cried privately and wished I hadn't agreed to go to spend 4 days with his family. I composed myself and decided to make the best of it and get through the rest of the stay with positive behavior on my part. I decided to occupy my mind by staying as busy as possible. With 12 house guests two children and 4 dogs, there was a lot of cooking (I made two pies that turned out really good) and cleaning to be done. His mom has been widowed and disabled for some time and really appreciated my hard work. He told me his family liked me, but that he worried about my getting attached to them or vice versa. He seemed touched by my efforts and attitude, but I think it had more to do about guilt than affection.

On the trip there he wanted to make plans to vacation together, on the trip home he wanted to talk about prenuptial contracts to protect himself and wanted to know if I expected him to help support my daughter, because her dad is a deadbeat. When I said no, I didn't expect that, he said that he actually would be helping support her if I was spending money on my child that I could be saving to help with my vacation expenses.

I got upset and told him he could not ask a mother to turn her back on her child for the sake of any man. That if what he was asking is whether I could afford the life style he has the answer was NO. He retracted his comments but still wants me to get an appraisal of my home and approach an attorney about my deadbeat x so that he knows what he would be getting into

He admitted that he still doesn't know if I am the one for him but still wants to go through this financial planning so he can consider things. I told him that this all sounded too much like a business agreement and his recent generousity without his love just made me feel like I was being compensated to be his companion.

He said I should be taken seriouly, but that he needed more information and assurance that he wasn't going to end up trapped like his brothers and other couples who had miserable marriages.

I know some of you will probably say "RUN NOW, or sell your soul!" and "I told you so would be in order. What I really want to know is on his behalf, is it wrong to get a complete financial agreement before you let yourself consider love?

On my behalf, is it wrong to ask a man to say he loves you before you consider the disclosure and compromise needed for a serious prenup agreement?

Wow for him to want a prenupt, that must mean he's worth quite a penny.

ok i read it all....run from him. he only cares about material things and not your love and definitely doesn't appear to have your best interest or your daughter's best interest in mind...

He seems like a selfish man...to think of your single motherhood in such a manner. I understand his concerns, but he is tactless and very matrialistic...

I think you should distance yourself from him as I said before...

The prenup is aside from the love, not coming before love. It's separate matters.
I don't see what's wrong with a prenup personally. Sign the damn thing and go on to a happy marriage... I mean, if it lasts forever then what difference does it make? lol

That would be my answer before reading the whole post. After reading... are you really serious? you would actually consider marrying that man? The prenup is the least of your problems.

personally i don't think prenups are a bad thing, as long as the agreement is fair to all parties concerned. too many marriages go sour and too many people are adversely affected financially simply because they didn't have the foresight to plan ahead.

agree with RP - the prenup and love are 2 separate issues. think about if the situation were reversed: you have all these assets, and in a relationship with a man who has an ex, and a child. you marry without a prenup, and all of a sudden his ex wife comes forward and says he can now afford to pay higher alimony and higher child support. guess where that extra money will come from? you (either indirectly or directly).

and if you did protect yourself with a prenup, does that mean that you love him any less?

that's what makes it a separate issue....as to the 'does he love me' part? you know where you have to go to get that answer...and seems weird he would bring up a prenup before even telling you how he feels about you. one would think a prenup would only come up if he were seriously thinking about a future with you.

Just my two cents as an attorney and as a woman whose going to demand one... always get a prenup. It's better for everyone and really it's just a contract before marriage. Back when women were property our parents often wrote out contracts for our marriages. It's just business and has nothing to do with the love.

Again just the opinion of an attorney whose read too many stories where women didn't protect themselves with a prenup. PROTECT YOUR ASSETTS and GET AN ATTORNEY! Don't sign a prenup waiving any claims to his property without getting yourself an attorney to write out a fair contract for you as well.

Let the lawyers handle the prenup and if he has a problem with your lawyer talking to his attorney then that's a more serious problem. Love is love. Contracts are for the lawyers to argue.

Pre-nups are for the cheap, sleazy & dumb-ass bitches.

If you feel some one is only wedding you for your profits and pay...WHY MARRY THEM?!

oh fuck, dont be stupid.

Quite honestly, Nikkie, which is exactly what you'll get from me . .

I see you no different from him. Ok, so, he is treating this situation and you as a business arrangement, rather than focusing on loving you . . but,

You're still there, you're not loving him either, for you're considering being with a man because he has some kind of financial benefit for you. That makes you just as cold toward your love for him.

Have I missed something, here? Since when did love and marriage become the same entity? To have a pre-nupitual before marriage, seems logical, especially if one person is the asset, while the other is a liability . . on an income level.

Love? He's basing his desire to be with you on money . . you are actually staying with him and contemplating being with a man who doesn't know the difference between what his heart says, and what his brain says . . . in knowing this, to still be considering whether this is acceptable to you, or not, means . . you don't really love him either because love CANNOT be bought.