Smoke Signals

Is it controlling for a woman to not want her man to smoke for fear of his health? Does she, as the significant other, have a place to ask him to not smoke? Or is it not her business? Is her act of asking him to quit a sign that she doesn't love him unconditionally? Or is it proof of her love? Or does love have nothing to do with it?

Have you ever experienced your significant other asking you to abandon a habit s(he) believed to be harmful to you? How did you feel about it? Did you feel (s)he was being caring or controlling? Were you able to reach a compromise? Was it a deal-breaker?

Have you ever asked your significant other to abandon a habit you believed to be bad for them? How did you go about doing it? Did you reach a resolution?

I'm interested to hear (read) your thoughts.

I think it's fine to express concern, yet its justifiable that some people will smoke and that you must accept it.


Smoking is horrible. Closet smoker here.


I take all concerns to heart.

No, it's not controlling if she simply tells him she would love for him to quit, because she wants to spend as much time as possible with him.

Yes, it's controlling if you place conditions on where or when he smokes (unless it's on her property or their shared property.

When we met and for a good portion of our adult life, both me and Mr Aqua smoked.

In his early 30's, he ended up with spontaneous pneumothorax (collapsed lung, not due to smoking) and had to have major surgery to fix it. He quit while he was in the hospital (almost a month), and stayed quit for 18 months. While he was in the midst of this and drugged up and in pain, he begged me to quit, saying he never wanted me to experience what he was experiencing.

I didn't quit and when he came home he never mentioned it again.

Eventually under some extreme stress, he started up again. He was living with me at that point and I never smoked in the hoise, so the rules were smoking outside or in the garage only.

A decade later, I quit. I never once asked him to, and as much as it bothered me to smell it on him, I never made a big deal out of it. 3 years after that, about 5 months ago, he quit again.

So if your man wants to smoke, you can say something outbof love but never as an ultimatum or a threat. He'll smoke when he wants and quit if he wants. Just love the man as he is, regardless of his habits.

Or leave if it's too much to accept.

Posted by Mohini
I think it's fine to express concern, yet its justifiable that some people will smoke and that you must accept it.


Smoking is horrible. Closet smoker here.


I take all concerns to heart.

"COVERT smoker"

Posted by tiziani
Just don't be a buzzkill or a lecturer, imo.

I don't smoke. When we met I had no idea she smoked until much later when I could taste it. I asked her, she said she smoked daily. I didn't mention anything else. I just said I can't be around smoke for specific health reasons of my own (which is true) and even before that, she said she was quitting which was a relief.

It's futile to ask or try to convince someone to give it up, the motivation has to come from them anyway or it just isn't going to happen. "quit for love" is not only controlling but emotionally manipulative.

I also have a few small bad habits to overturn when it comes to taking care of myself, mundane things like eating properly. Really basic things I can put more effort into so as not to be a hypocrite when I'm concerned with my partner's health yet neglecting my own.

I think this is the best approach.

I've quit smoking around and for, a speicif person because i needed to for their well being.

Well done. You approached and tackled this one smoothly.

Women want to be desired. When they have an addiction, they hide it because it's ugly.

To acknowledge it, accept it and appreciate the work it takes to overcome it is insurmountable.


I don't want to date a smoker. For what it's worth. It would only fuel my own struggles.

It doesn't matter if it's controlling or not.

The question is: can you live with it?