Spouses of musicians - or otherwise.

I never, ever had any doubt in my mind that I can put up with dating a musician. My passion is in art, the fact that I can connect with someone on the same level of intensity is inspiring and motivational. Without sounding cliche, it's museful. And while I haven't heard him play, the fact that he knows how to write, play guitar, bass, drums, piano, mandolin, and whatever else he hasn't mentioned makes it clear that he has talent. I have a strong intuition that he will do well in the music industry. This never bothered or concerned me. I have my own endeavors to worry about anyways.

Yet, something my mother said the other day has been looming like a curse. She told me that it was a terrible idea, that I should avoid musicians at all costs. They were only interested in groupies, and it would lose its luster in the end. I didn't put much faith in her words because I know she's only speaking out of spite for her own history but it still found its way under my skin.

Should I actually be worried? I don't feel like I should. He is an honest soul. And although he is very passionate about his music, he is also very compassionate for me. I actually felt disgusted my mother would be so biased. I'm afraid that what she said will just collect in the back of my head and eventually spoil in a tangle of negative vibes. But I know it can be proven wrong.

Bleeegh.

Sorry 😢

I beg to differ. This is the stereotype but not always the case. I worked as a Musician for 10 years (I'm now a writer) and I was in a totally committed relationship for seven of those years (she was a flight attendent who also gets a bad rap) and we were totally faithful to each other. My Dad is a legendary musician and he's been married to my mother since 1979 and they are completely committed as well.

He's modest. I can't say I'd abandon ship anyways because it's difficult for me to run when I see potential. Especially considering that I view him more as being a match as an individual than even thinking about his musicianship. He doesn't even talk a whole lot about his music with me, I know it's not on his mind 24/7.

Yeah he's got a lot of pride, and he's a bit selfish. But I think I'm just about as selfish as he is. We mellow each other out. Magick, he's had 10 years of experience in this too haha. I guess the best I can do is hope for the best and watch for red flags. I'd still be singing for a band if I didn't get stuck in bumfuck nowhere County for two years working a crappy job to pay bills. So I felt a little hurt when my mom said that.

And funnily enough, I came damn near close to being a flight attendant hahaha.

Musicians get a bad rep in the dating/relationship arena just like athletes do.

I agree that all are not the same, HOWEVER, I think the worst thing you can do is be naive about some of the things they will experience once they start rolling in the dough. All the constant women, the constant money, the constant attention, constantly having to perform in environments where sex, lust & alcohol are encouraged, the constant distance that allows space & opportunity to lust for others who are closer than you are, the constant pressure from their managers and peers not to be tied down to anybody, etc.

It's not about whether or not they love you. Do you really think that most athletes & musicians started out as snobs, cheaters & followers to peer pressure BEFORE they "made it?" NO! A lot of them were very devoted & faithful to their partners. What happened? Well money & attention from some of the most beautiful women in the world happened.

And unfortunately, there's no way to tell how a man will be once he's "made it" until he's made it. They all swear up & down that they won't change, but 99% of them do. It's not about love. It's about how sudden and enormous changes in income, status, attention & recognition can change your perception & what you "thought" you wanted, over night.

Again, I'm not saying that they're all the same. BUT don't go into this relationship blind. Be aware of the kinds of things he'll be exposed to. It's not about how much he loves you. It's about how much self-discipline and control he'll have when he's in the spotlight. Most men can't handle it.

There's a reason you love this man. It's b/c he's probably attractive, has a lot going for him & has amazing personality traits.

The problem with men jolting into the spotlight is that overnight there are suddenly 5,000 girls who see the very same thing you saw in him & suddenly want him & are willing to do whatever it takes to have him! THAT is the problem. Some men can barely resist temptation from a pretty girl online, let alone a ton of girls suddenly boosting their ego, making him feel/look more important than he really is & presenting the perfect scenario of the "grass being greener" on the other side.

You might be the lucky girl who ends up with a faithful musician.

But again, it's important for you to remember that when anyone in the spotlight suddenly changes or starts disrespecting the relationship, it's often NOT about love (just like it's not always about sex when a regular man cheats with another woman). It's about HIS discipline, his vow to stick to his morals, & whether or not he's cut out for a business that is not for the relationship-oriented.

These politicians, athletes, celebrities, & musicians are probably the BEST partners when they get home. But when they leave the home life to go into the spotlight, everything changes b/c the environment suddenly changes. Everybody's encouraging him to sleep around, to take advantage of the fact that he's got groupies, to fit in with the other musicians who sleep around too, to abandon their morals for the almighty buck.

There's a REASON so many of these men can't handle it. It's very difficult.

Every woman goes into thinking her man will be different. But only time will tell.

I always expect the worst. I just hope for the best. I don't keep anything tied down though, not when all this is left open. Especially while he's in this moment of distance. I've been surrounded by musicians all my life, I've seen what they've dealt with. I've been to the shows, tours, backstage, after parties, seen the fans, groupies, the boozing. The one thing I worry most about is if he gets heavily into the alcohol or drugs - he already left that environment because it nearly killed him. I walked through that with him and even from a distance it was brutal. His heart failed on him, I hurt remembering it every time.

Haha he's not a drop dead gorgeous stud on most physical terms, (to me he is now, he wasn't at first) but I'm sure his charming personality is a magnet. It is to me at least. It's hard to secure my utmost attraction, and if he's done it I'm sure there will be others. I'm certainly not naive as to what can happen, and I know he's far from innocent. I suppose with all the negativity I keep hearing, I was hoping that there was some sliver of hope to make me feel somewhat sane in thinking it could work with patience and understanding. I won't invest my heart until I'm certain he can handle it (and I can too), but I just can't run without knowing for sure.

I know it sounds slightly egocentric even to me, but the idea that he'll have these fawning young women on the side stage motivates me to step up my game and be daunting/infatuating enough to soak up his fantasies above their chances. Live my own life to its fiery extent. I won't compete, but I won't be left in a shadow either. I have my own admirers after all, they just receive significantly less attention.

"Then there's the periodic depressions or dark days, and boy do they go through them." I know. What's with that? Damn rain clouds storming down my optimism on some days. They do make for some of the most interesting concoctions artistically though. Getting in touch with misery brings you farther from reality. I don't mind providing, so long as I get something back here and there. Some sign of life and love. Otherwise my mind wanders...

lol

Posted by deivaleonne



I know it sounds slightly egocentric even to me, but the idea that he'll have these fawning young women on the side stage motivates me to step up my game and be daunting/infatuating enough to soak up his fantasies above their chances. Live my own life to its fiery extent. I won't compete, but I won't be left in a shadow either. I have my own admirers after all, they just receive significantly less attention.

That won't work. It won't work b/c when these artists surrender to temptation, they're feeding a mental desire 1st before a physical desire. If a man decides to cheat on you, you can wear all the lingerie in the world & be the best woman in the world, it won't make a difference b/c the reality is that there will always be someone prettier, much more sexier, much more funny, much more of an ego-booster for him, than you.

That's a reality all women have to face. You "stepping it up" is you doing what you've gotta do to feed a deep-rooted insecurity about him within you. There's nothing wrong with that, BUT own that! All the stepping up in the world won't stop a man from surrendering to lust if that's what he wants in the moment. That is why some of the most beautiful, smartest, & ride or die women in the world have been cheated on. So don't even play into that game b/c you'll lose that battle.

You stay right as you are. If you truly trust & believes that he loves you & that there's no an ounce of him that wants to cheat on you, then you shouldn't/wouldn't have to do anything differently than what you're already doing. I seriously doubt that IF he does cheat, he'd be thinking, "Well she should've stepped it up" as his excuse. If what he has now is good enough for him, it oughta still be good enough for him when there's 500 extra girls in his face.

There are plenty of horror stories, yes, BUT there are plenty of great stories too! Even if he ends up the rare guy who doesn't cheat, the relationship can still fail if you secretly don't believe he'd be faithful throughout. Lack of trust ruins relationships just like cheating does. So if he's who you really want, then be supportive & work on building a humungous foundation of trust NOW so that you guys will be fine when his music career finally kicks off.

If you know deep down that you'll always have this lingering mistrust for him, that's fine, but be honest with yourself about t

If you know deep down that you'll always have this lingering mistrust for him, that's fine, but be honest with yourself about that & let him know how you're feeling. He may not agree that he's at high risk to surrender to temptation (everybody swears they won't change!), but he's probably not a dumb rock...In the least, he knows about the stereotypes & will know that you didn't pull the idea of him possibly making poor decisions (with drugs, sex, or whatever), out of your ass!

And this is 1 talk you guys shouldn't avoid. Voice your concerns. Let him know that although you do trust him now, you're not naive to the life style s that some artist take on before OR after they've jumped into the spotlight.

Go ahead & set some boundaries & see how he feels about certain things so that you 2 go into his music career having put it alllllll on the table. If he's the type of artist who believes he'd probably have to flirt or appear "single" to appeal to his female fanbase, you need to know about it NOW vs. later during an argument after you've caught/heard about him flirting. If he's the kind of artist who feels that certain things are ok, while others aren't, go ahead & put it out on the table.

If you listen to your mother, will you regret it? If you're intrigued by him or like him, why not try it out? Not all musicians are the same, I imagine. The only thing I'd have trouble with, myself, is if they traveled a lot. But, not everyone feels the same way about that. My friend dated a musician. Always traveling and playing shows. He was a little wild, but she was too, so it worked. They're not together now, but they still keep in touch and are friends.
Idk, I mean, if you're too worried about getting hurt, then you're only going to go for the stable, safe relationships. Sometimes you have to try other things and not be afraid, unless you truly enjoy the stable/safe ones all the time. And if you're already there...not afraid, then go for it. I can't really make it any simpler than that.

Haha what! Always room for self improvement, sshh. Whether it works or not. It'd be more for myself in the end. And not just physical, I'm more concerned with picking up the pace as far as my desires go. Pretend that didn't sound as conceited as it really did.

No, there isn't really a mistrust. I'm more worried of there slowly growing a mistrust from everyone insisting this can end badly. If it does, then it does. But I'm stuck for the ride I guess, I just keep my eyes open and worry more about myself than him for a while. Above all else I'm worried for him going reckless again and falling into the same state of affairs as he did a couple years ago, or worse. But he seems like he's gained some responsibility since then. Once he's overcome all the issues he's faced with and he's had some breathing time I'll sit him down and talk about it all.

Scenic, the reason why I take most of what my mother says with a grain of salt is because she abhors the men I choose and tries to set me up with the most psychotic headcases known to man. She has been right a couple of times though, and the way she insisted this would go wrong was so adamant it was like she was condemning me for the idea. Funnily enough I've been more hurt from the stable relationships, because they are either stable to the point where I feel dead in the water or to the point where I feel secure and suddenly something goes haywire.

So all in all it has nothing to do with being a musician. All it is, is temptation and morals. And how that person deals.

Oh, dear.

The biggest drawback (for me, anyway) is that the music will *always* come first-- regardless of what capacity they are serving.

But it's a fickle industry-- opportunities must be taken when they are offered.

I think it just takes a certain kind of person to be able to understand that, and not only tolerate it, but support them in spite of it.

It can be a lot of fun, though.


But eff that-- I don't play a very good second fiddle. 🙂

Posted by FrostAndBite

Posted by Montgomery
Oh, dear.

The biggest drawback (for me, anyway) is that the music will *always* come first-- regardless of what capacity they are serving.
But it's a fickle industry-- opportunities must be taken when they are offered.
I think it just takes a certain kind of person to be able to understand that, and not only tolerate it, but support them in spite of it.
It can be a lot of fun, though.
But eff that-- I don't play a very good second fiddle. 🙂

Yeah the more concise version of what I was trying to say haha.

You almost have to have a bit of a martyr personality to go the long haul. That's why I couldn't. Cheating was not something I worried about so much as being second to an ideal, dream or non-tangible thing.

It was fun though for a while, I don't regret it. Like I said, if you go into it eyes open then it can be a wonderful experience.

click to expand

that sounds so sad but it's so true.

The woman who stands behind that type of man would always be 2nd. Never the first, because his dream is no.1 and if he achieves it, he doesn't really need you anymore. But it depends on the man/individual. It's still very sad.