@sweethearts
20 Years5,000+ Posts
Feeling helpless
Just being there is often all you can do...
Best of luck
PM
Best of luck
PM
Ah, she'll be fine. I avoid people that are going through a breakup because I never know what to say & from personal experience, I know that no amount of words will make the process any less painful, so. I find the words that people recite after a breakup to be annoying tbh, I'm like, let's talk about something else already...I'll deal with all that when I'm alone.
But you're her mother though & not just anybody...I don't know what to say. Maybe you should give her a tiny bit of space to acquaint herself with what just happened. How old is she?
But you're her mother though & not just anybody...I don't know what to say. Maybe you should give her a tiny bit of space to acquaint herself with what just happened. How old is she?
She's 21 and just like me...she hides away and feels embarrass to cry in front of anyone or show her weaknesses so therefore I know even though she is putting up the front of being ok, she's crippled inside when alone 😢 It breaks my heart that she is going through this as having just been down that road I know how hard it was to pick up again and she is so young, this was a very real first for her...she thought they would have babies and be together forever. Tonight she mentioned through FB that she has his named tatooed on him and how stupid she now feels...I took the light road and said remember what Mumma said when you decided to do it, mumma knows best...she replied haha, I know lol
I am sure she will be alright as she is always. As for helping I think thats real nice of you.
Nice to see you PM, for some reason I imagined a scrawny Harry style s lookalike 😛
Posted by sweethearts
Nice to see you PM, for some reason I imagined a scrawny Harry style s lookalike 😛
Really Harry style s... He is actually popular with girls anyways... Women seem to like that type...
I am happy with who I am though... I think everyone is beautiful in their own way though...
PM
You missed the "scrawny" part 😛 lol
She moved 8 months ago from here to begin again in our own country and they split 5 days ago.
She is an adult and also needs to process what she is going through, mother or not, I don't have the right to interfere with anyones life and I hold no fears of her hurting herself. I just feel helpless as I can't ease her pain.
She is an adult and also needs to process what she is going through, mother or not, I don't have the right to interfere with anyones life and I hold no fears of her hurting herself. I just feel helpless as I can't ease her pain.
Wow. I know that must be hard, seeing your daughter so broken. And I'm sure it's even harder a sight to see when she's using everything within her to be strong & not show that she's broken.
Don't pull out the "I told you so's" right now though. She's already telling herself that she messed up, should've used better judgment, etc. The last thing she needs is 1 more person telling her that. Her own inner voice is already scolding her enough.
Maybe share with her your own love stories from the past. Tell her how you won some battles with love & lost others so that she knows she's not alone. You know how young girls can be; they think they're the only ones in the world who are feeling that bottomless pit feeling.
Once she hears your stories, she'll take notice that you seem fine & that the world didn't end for you when you were the 1 whose heart was once broken. That, my dear would do wonders for her b/c it will teach her that there is life after a broken heart. Seeing someone else overcome heartbreak makes it easier for you yourself to overcome it.
Just tell her that you are there if she needs to talk. Don't lecture her or criticize her for any of her past choices b/c she'll just clam up & never open up to you.
She's probably still in shock & is processing everything. She's probably trying to make sense of everything that has just happened. She's probably got a mind overloaded with racing thoughts. She'll come around though. She's just going through the normal stages of grief.
Don't pull out the "I told you so's" right now though. She's already telling herself that she messed up, should've used better judgment, etc. The last thing she needs is 1 more person telling her that. Her own inner voice is already scolding her enough.
Maybe share with her your own love stories from the past. Tell her how you won some battles with love & lost others so that she knows she's not alone. You know how young girls can be; they think they're the only ones in the world who are feeling that bottomless pit feeling.
Once she hears your stories, she'll take notice that you seem fine & that the world didn't end for you when you were the 1 whose heart was once broken. That, my dear would do wonders for her b/c it will teach her that there is life after a broken heart. Seeing someone else overcome heartbreak makes it easier for you yourself to overcome it.
Just tell her that you are there if she needs to talk. Don't lecture her or criticize her for any of her past choices b/c she'll just clam up & never open up to you.
She's probably still in shock & is processing everything. She's probably trying to make sense of everything that has just happened. She's probably got a mind overloaded with racing thoughts. She'll come around though. She's just going through the normal stages of grief.
Posted by sweethearts
She moved 8 months ago from here to begin again in our own country and they split 5 days ago.
She is an adult and also needs to process what she is going through, mother or not, I don't have the right to interfere with anyones life and I hold no fears of her hurting herself. I just feel helpless as I can't ease her pain.
Don't apologize for feeling that way. Not only are you her mother, but you're a woman AND a woman whose been down that road before. So it makes perfect sense that you feel helpless. It's a natural instinct for a woman/mother to want to instinctively apply glue to something that seems to have fallen apart. Of course you can't always do that, BUT the desire to want to is normal & is not wrong or anything to apologize for.
If you freak out, she'll freak out! She doesn't need your sympathy, she needs your listening ear & understanding. Big difference. If everyone around her starts to mope & feel sorry for her, she'll take on the victim mentality & will just wallow in self-pity...a self-pity that is caused by feeding off of others feeling sorry for her.
Damn. I hate hearing stories like these! It's like no matter what you say or do, you know that the pain won't go away for them. Sometimes you've just gotta take a step back, let her cry it out, let her deal with her grief on her own & in the way SHE sees it best (and not the way YOU want her to handle it), pray for her & wish her the best.
Thanks Kry, your words always ring true and open my eyes to other directions.
She says that they both have mutually made this decision, however, I know that he didn't come home for 3 nights. Went on a bender without any of his friends or family so it makes me wonder whether there is someone else involved. I haven't asked my girl that question. If she wants to tell me this then that is up to her and of course he may not have anyone else...that is all SPECULATION! At this point she is adamant that she doesn't want to even try salvaging their relationship, they were starting to hate each other in the end (her words)
I have also suggested that she takes time to heal and decide whether she wants to come back home here, she has a 10 day trip from New Years and doesn't need to return but if that is the case then try and get a job transfer and close things off properly there. No pressure, just something for her to think about as she maps out a new future. It also gives her other things to think about than just dwelling on all the hurt.
She says that they both have mutually made this decision, however, I know that he didn't come home for 3 nights. Went on a bender without any of his friends or family so it makes me wonder whether there is someone else involved. I haven't asked my girl that question. If she wants to tell me this then that is up to her and of course he may not have anyone else...that is all SPECULATION! At this point she is adamant that she doesn't want to even try salvaging their relationship, they were starting to hate each other in the end (her words)
I have also suggested that she takes time to heal and decide whether she wants to come back home here, she has a 10 day trip from New Years and doesn't need to return but if that is the case then try and get a job transfer and close things off properly there. No pressure, just something for her to think about as she maps out a new future. It also gives her other things to think about than just dwelling on all the hurt.
I think you should fly to her for a daytrip ... you girls go out to a matinee and see a couple tear-jerking chic flics, you both cry your eyes out for hours, together, then go splurge on ice cream, spend the remainder of the day, into night at the airport together, after the tears have dried up ... and just talk to each other about your pains, so the other can relate.
You'd probably be surprised at the strength you'd both gain from sharing, rather than talking on the phone, and telling about life.
There's nothing to tell her, just as there's nothing to tell you, or anyone else ... but, sharing in emotional suffering with her, while the injury being to a movie character, will open the flood gates for both of you .... so you can cry your eyes out.
Wow
I agree that you shouldn't ask for her specifics. As long as you know the big picture of what happened over all, that's all that matters. If you start speculating & letting your own imagination run wild, you'd be making it worse for her by sharing your speculations. Why? B/c she's probably already dealing with her own rampant imagination lol and there's nothing worse than when someone else comes along & gives you yet another "could it be?" to add on top of an already racing mind!
I'll be praying for you guys! I know it goes against your natural instincts as a mother & as a woman to give her some space when she's falling a part, but sometimes being smothered makes things worse. It might make YOU feel better lol but not her. And right now, it's about her.
Plus, she's an adult now & it's very important for her to learn how to sort out her own issues without mommy & daddy stepping in all the time & doing all the emotional/physical/financial work for her.
She'll be ok. Almost every woman alive has had OR will have had her heart broken in her entire lifetime. Some never recover from it, BUT remember...you raised her to be a strong, confident, high-self-esteem, shrug it off your shoulders kind of woman! So now you've gotta trust her that all of the things you've instilled in her growing up will come to fruition now that she's dealing with her 1st tango with love
I agree that you shouldn't ask for her specifics. As long as you know the big picture of what happened over all, that's all that matters. If you start speculating & letting your own imagination run wild, you'd be making it worse for her by sharing your speculations. Why? B/c she's probably already dealing with her own rampant imagination lol and there's nothing worse than when someone else comes along & gives you yet another "could it be?" to add on top of an already racing mind!
I'll be praying for you guys! I know it goes against your natural instincts as a mother & as a woman to give her some space when she's falling a part, but sometimes being smothered makes things worse. It might make YOU feel better lol but not her. And right now, it's about her.
Plus, she's an adult now & it's very important for her to learn how to sort out her own issues without mommy & daddy stepping in all the time & doing all the emotional/physical/financial work for her.
She'll be ok. Almost every woman alive has had OR will have had her heart broken in her entire lifetime. Some never recover from it, BUT remember...you raised her to be a strong, confident, high-self-esteem, shrug it off your shoulders kind of woman! So now you've gotta trust her that all of the things you've instilled in her growing up will come to fruition now that she's dealing with her 1st tango with love
My ex inlaws (her Aunty and Nana) are there for her to lend the cry on shoulder P. My ex mother in law is as good as me for the cry on your shoulder and a really good replacement, funny enough, her and I will say the exact same things.
I don't want to jump and rescue her because I honestly want it over, for her own good. She was supporting his dumb arse and I had them here for a year and a half trying to get him working. If she decides to come home, it has to be over between them because we have been through this once before and it'd be de ja vue at my expense!
I know she has to deal with it and will but it pains me to see her status's on FB about her feelings. Stuff like FML, (took me a while to figure out what that meant!) and I just realised I got his name tattooed on me WTF I feel so stupid. Kids and putting everything on FB!!
Luckily she is well loved and has a few close friends both there and on the phone that she can release to that also keep me posted without letting her know they are. Turns out he was texting and talking with someone on their mobile and she found that out a few weeks ago and hit him up about it.
I've wanted to say something to him but won't because I have nothing positive to say to him and will anger her if I do, so putting it here helps me pull my head in!
I don't want to jump and rescue her because I honestly want it over, for her own good. She was supporting his dumb arse and I had them here for a year and a half trying to get him working. If she decides to come home, it has to be over between them because we have been through this once before and it'd be de ja vue at my expense!
I know she has to deal with it and will but it pains me to see her status's on FB about her feelings. Stuff like FML, (took me a while to figure out what that meant!) and I just realised I got his name tattooed on me WTF I feel so stupid. Kids and putting everything on FB!!
Luckily she is well loved and has a few close friends both there and on the phone that she can release to that also keep me posted without letting her know they are. Turns out he was texting and talking with someone on their mobile and she found that out a few weeks ago and hit him up about it.
I've wanted to say something to him but won't because I have nothing positive to say to him and will anger her if I do, so putting it here helps me pull my head in!
Don't take the "FML" comment too personally. It's used out of context a lot & isn't usually used in a literal sense. Some people even say FML as a means of being sarcastic or during a joke
Of course she's venting about everything on Facebook. It's like an online diary for a lot of people. They like the attention they get from their friends/loved ones who they're connected to on the site. They see the site as like an outlet, kind of like we see DXP as an outlet.
I'm glad that she's at least being open & verbal about it to SOMEBODY though b/c you'd have more cause for concern if she was tight-lipped & didn't tell a soul! That is extremely unhealthy! Her outlet of choice may not make sense to us lol but it does to their generation so just let them do it w/o judgment or criticism from us as parents lol
She'll be ok. Don't be surprised if the grieving process is a long one though. You know how it was, losing your 1st love! Idk about you, but it seems like it took me forever to F'ing get over the b*stard! lol Either way, I got through it & the 1 thing I'll always remember looking back is that my parents were there for me & lent their support from a distance when I was going through it =)
Of course she's venting about everything on Facebook. It's like an online diary for a lot of people. They like the attention they get from their friends/loved ones who they're connected to on the site. They see the site as like an outlet, kind of like we see DXP as an outlet.
I'm glad that she's at least being open & verbal about it to SOMEBODY though b/c you'd have more cause for concern if she was tight-lipped & didn't tell a soul! That is extremely unhealthy! Her outlet of choice may not make sense to us lol but it does to their generation so just let them do it w/o judgment or criticism from us as parents lol
She'll be ok. Don't be surprised if the grieving process is a long one though. You know how it was, losing your 1st love! Idk about you, but it seems like it took me forever to F'ing get over the b*stard! lol Either way, I got through it & the 1 thing I'll always remember looking back is that my parents were there for me & lent their support from a distance when I was going through it =)
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Now my baby girl is going through it after being with her bf for 4 1/2 years and moving to another country for him. I'm totally helpless in what I can do to help. I know she has to go through the motions, as we all do but as a mother I want to ease the pain and being so far away it's differ cult...I ring and text her everyday and she picks up if she is up to it....it's so raw, less than a week and I feel so helpless!