What they don't know won't hurt em!

Do people really still believe this?! Smh Smh

I do. If you don't know something it wont bother you.

I don't believe honesty is always the best policy especially when someone knowing something will do nothing other than hurt them.

I also want people to use this policy with me. Don't tell me anything that wont serve any purpose. If you bumped into your ex at a store and chatted for a bit...don't tell me.

Now, of course...if you bumped into her and now you can't stop thinking about her...that i would want to know because it means we have a problem.

It really depends on what you're hiding and the reason you're hiding it.

I acknowledge & understand that not all people can handle the truth. BUT I DO believe that all people DESERVE the truth.

It's 1 thing to not mention to your partner that you just took a shxt or that you just saw your ex passing at a traffic light. BUT it's another thing to KNOW that if your partner knew something, it could change things & yet you still decide not to tell them. That's a whole 'nother ball game.

Half the things we hide are technically things our partners can find out in the long run anyways. And most people would prefer to know the cold-hearted truth up front & deal with it VS. finding out on their own & not only the truth hurting BUT ALSO them having to realize that you weren't truthful with them. If you ask me, the bads outweigh the advantages when it comes to truth telling.

We all hate the truth when we 1st hear it, BUT we eventually grow to respect that person even more for showing us that they felt we deserved it at the time. But if you notice, when a person is lied to, they never really give you the credit later on for sparing their feelings. They're TWICE as hurt 1. B/c they found out the truth (probably from someone other than YOU) & 2. Now they have to deal with the cold hard truth AND the fact that you're a liar.

People shouldn't be so arrogant to believe that holding back the truth is in someway "helping" their partners. That sounds just as silly as when mistresses convince themselves that their "services" are helping out a couple. You can't make sense out of non-sense.

I believe in taking personal accountability, even if it means losing a person. To purposely hide the truth is not only saying that 1. You don't believe your partner deserves the truth 2. It speaks volume about whose feelings you DON'T feel are top priority (your partners) & 3. It leaves room for the other person to find out the truth anyways. And most people are TWICE as mad at finding out the truth from someone other than the person who should've been the 1 telling them, more than they are at the truth in general.

There's a difference b/w leaving something out of a story b/c it's irrelevant & won't make a difference (seeing your ex at a traffic light) VS. purposely leaving out the truth b/c you don't want to be held personally accountable (kissing your ex after seeing them a stop light). 2 different things.

True enough, a person may not know the truth YET, but if you know the truth will eventually hurt them, it's better to hurt them NOW than for them to keep gaining trust for you, only to find out later that you weren't as honest as you swore you'd always be.

Just b/c the truth hurts doesn't mean others don't deserve it. If a person is hiding something that can potentially devesate the other person, they need to take personal accountability for that. That's the 1st step. If they can't do that, it speaks volumes. It kills me when people insinuate that hiding the truth is a form of "helping" the other person. If they're all about "helping" the other person, they wouldn't put themselves in a situation that would devestate their partners, to begin with.

If my man cheats on me & hides it from me, there is NOTHING in what I just said that suggests he's protecting my feelings or helping me or doing me any favors. His azs wouldn't tell me b/c he's invested only in HIMSELF, he feels I don't deserve the truth & b/c he's a dishonest person.

The true character of a person comes out in times of trial/controversey moreso than in times of good grace. If a person loves me enough to feel that I deserve the truth when things are good, they oughta love/respect me enough to believe I deserve the truth, even if that means them taking accountability results in them losing me.

I have gained more respect for the person that told me the truth & hurt me by doing so. I have NEVER gained respect for the person that purposely hid it from me & left me to find it on my own. Oh how the truth hurts even MORE when it's found out that way. If it's about hurting your partner the LEAST possible, truth upfront is the best policy.

I'd rather deal with the hard harsh truth & yet know my partner was atleast honest VS. deal with the harsh truth & yet on TOP of that know that my partner is a liar.

There have been too many times that I've told the truth to significant others and they assisnged meaning to those thing that did not exist due to their fears or insecurity. Why would I possibly tell them something that meant nothing which they are likely to perceive incorrectly?

Posted by krysrenee7
There's a difference b/w leaving something out of a story b/c it's irrelevant & won't make a difference (seeing your ex at a traffic light) VS. purposely leaving out the truth b/c you don't want to be held personally accountable (kissing your ex after seeing them a stop light). 2 different things.

This.

I do believe honesty is ALWAYS the best policy but that doesn't mean you tell every insignificant detail. It's not just about what is or is not said either. It's the intention behind it too. Hiding something because you fear the reaction is bad no matter what.

The whole notion of lying to protect someone else is selfish. I don't think you're going to take this well so I'm just not going to tell you... I can handle any situation. Good or bad, I can do it. I do need to know what the situation is though and lying doesn't help anyone in the long run.

It's not just in dating relationships either. Honesty is one of the things I preach hardest at my kids.

See, the question though was not about honesty...that's not how I read it. I thought we were talking about volunteering information that wasn't asked for.

I want to know everything, and I tell everyone everything. If they cant handle the truth thats their problem! I have lost friends through "telling them how it is" and telling them things they didnt want to hear, but I dont care. Truth hurts, but it needs to be told. I will decide what I need protecting from.

And I do want to know if my boyfriend bumped into his ex, lets say he didnt tell me and then I find a message from her saying "nice seeing you the other day", that is something that could be blown well out of proportion if I hadnt known she was on about when they bumped into eachother in the supermarket! When people are hiding irrellevant things, that makes me think what else could they be hiding.

Posted by Shadows
See, the question though was not about honesty...that's not how I read it. I thought we were talking about volunteering information that wasn't asked for.

I guess I looked at the "what they don't know won't hurt them" as dishonesty because I can't imagine innocently thinking this. Also, every time I hear someone say it it's in a situation where they're doing something wrong. Telling someone you were gassy at work is giving out too much information but you won't walk around feeling like you got away with something for not telling anyone... unless you were crop dusting.

We are adults. Individuals. Of course you don't have to give every detail of your day... but people use that to leave out parts they should tell. They know they should tell too but they won't like the outcome so they use this phrase to "justify" keeping silent.

Posted by Shadows
See, the question though was not about honesty...that's not how I read it. I thought we were talking about volunteering information that wasn't asked for.

Well, that's not fair. 1/2 the things we know about the other person we can see for ourselves. The other 1/2 are things we've been told & just so happen to believe over time.

Technically, I wasn't "there" in my partner's past so everything I know about his past must be what he's agreed to volunteer. I don't want every single detail but he's NOT stupid. He knows what's relevant & what's not. And I know that b/c every time people decide to hide something, it's b/c even THEY are acknowledging that the detail they're hiding IS relevant! (If it wasn't relevant, they wouldn't need to hide it.)

I want to know the things that are relevant even IF hearing those things hurt. If my partner cheats on me, I don't need to know the small details like what positions they did or what the girl was wearing. BUT I do need to know that he cheated & who he cheated with! I need to know the bigger picture.

I don't need someone trying to figure out whether or not I can handle the truth. Let me handle that. We can't control how someone will take what we say/do. They did their part by being honest with me & just TRUSTING that I'd be able to handle it & give them credit for being honest. The minute a person tries to control how I'll take something, they become selfish & make it about them. And eventually, they'll falsely convince themselves that doing so is doing me a favor. Consequences & accountability are 2 things most people try to shy away from if they can. Problem is, those are 2 of the main reasons why relationships don't work out moreso than the truth being a relationship deal breaker

I think truth is important regardless.

Sure, It'd kill me to know that my man cheated, BUT I'd still want to know.
Sure, it'd kill me to know that my man fell out of love with me, BUT I'd still want to know.
Sure, it'd kill me to know that the way I've been acting lately has really been pissing my man off, BUT I'd still want to know.

It's about the bigger picture. It's about not trying to scurt the consequences. Technically, MOST of the things people hide, they're hiding b/c the consequences of revealing the truth are bad. Welp, that's besides the point. When you get into a relationship, you vowe to be honest even though it's hard just like we all promise to be faithful even though it's hard/challenging at times. Just b/c something is hard doesn't mean it's not well deserved.

Being faithful is hard, but that doesn't mean it simply being hard is a free pass for my partner to go behind my back, betray my trust & cheat on me!

People aren't dumb. They only choose to hide the details that ARE relevant; that's why they feel the need to hide it in the 1st place. So if my partner can even acknowledge that a specific detail is relevant and/or could change things, I'd expect him to put MY feelings 1st for once & give me what I deserve at ALL times: the truth.

We're just different here. I don't see any point hearing about someones past relationships. That was them, not us. I'll find out everything I need to know about him FROM him.

I don't want to know if you bumped into your ex, I don't want to know if I remind you of them sometimes, I don't even want to know if one of your friends doesn't like me...the list is endless. I don't ask questions if I don't want an honest answer.

I used to think honesty was the best policy, but then I realized that had more to do with my pride/ego than it did what was best for my significant other and our relationship.

There is much too much unnecessary information flying around in relationships that cause problems when there is no relevance whatsoever.

Hey, thanks Q! Different stokes for different folks, I guess. Its what makes the world interesting. 🙂

I agree. You said the magic words: "Relevant." If something isn't relevant or won't make me a damn difference, I don't care/need to know. BUT some things ARE relevant. And I don't think it's fair to assume that just b/c something (the truth) might hurt that it's no longer worth knowing.

I'm a "bigger picture" kind of person. I could care less to know all the mini details; all I need to know is the basics. People have to be commited to atleast giving the basics. And hey, sometimes what might not be considered "important" to one person may be a huge deal to another. That's just how it goes.

For instance, 1 guy magically "forgot" to mention that he served 4 years in prison. Sure, he can use the "the past is the past" excuse to, BUT he knew that her knowing that could potentially change things/how she felt about him. When he decided to magically NOT mention that part of his past, he deprived her of the right to know who/what she was really getting herself into. And that was dead wrong. She didn't need to know that he dropped the soap or what his cell number was, but him being in prison for 4 years was kind of a big deal & something she wouldn't have known had he not told her. (Had she went digging for things, she would've been called "insecure.")

Him deciding that she didn't "need to know" that was a bunch of bull & was a decision made to fit HIS ego. He thought in terms of what'd be the best for HIM, not her. Honesty is always going to be the best policy b/c if something is not the truth, it's a lie. To me, there is NO in between.

And I agree that some things should be left unsaid IF they're irrelevant. But certain things (the things that people usually hide generally ARE relevant) ARE relevant & if they are, that's when you have to make the decision of whether or not your partner deserves the truth. And any relationship involving 2 people who don't feel the other person deserves the truth won't last very long.

See to me, someone wanting to know whether or not their partner saw their ex is irrelevant. My man telling me such is pointless. And anybody who wants to know such petty details IS insecure & will often take the most irrelevant details & strongly react unnecessarily.

But I'm not talking about the irrelevant details. I'm talking about the deal breakers. The things that we all want to know, even if that means the other person having to volunteerily tell us. None of us can really mean it when we say, "the past is the past," b/c that'd be like me saying that you shouldn't want to know that your current partner WAS (past tense) a convicted sex offender, serial cheater & gambler! I bet you guys would want to know that, now wouldn't you! You wouldn't want your partner to conveinantly leave those parts out nor would you want to hear the "the past is the past" excuse either. Sure, it'd probably kill him to tell you those things, BUT you deserving the truth should always outweigh someone else's inability to accept & take accountability for their actions.

Lol about the four years in prison...yeaaaaaah, see that I'd definitely want to know.

I totally agree about being upfront about deal breakers. I dated someone and asked if they had ever been abusive to any exgirlfriends because I sensed something in him. He lied and then attacked me 3 years later. So clearly that was important information to know because it affected my safety, not to mention my decision to be with him in the first place.

^^^^^^
I could be completely wrong about this of course, but I am not sure if a guy can be trusted to answer this question honestly.
This is information that needs to be tattooed to their foreheads.

"I bash chicks and my friends and I think that's cool"

Hehe, yeah, RNAP. I considered that when I wrote it. I looked up an arrest record and there was none. Why? Because no one had reported him...before me. 😄

I agree with Shadows (as always)

There's instances when things are just better left unmentioned. If they're irrelevant to you, but are going to upset the other person...why even bother, just for the sake of being 100% honest and upfront?

The Libra hates when I leave details out of a story...but honestly, it's better that way.
Let's say I go to the mall, see an ex, and we talk for a little while updating each other on our lives and such, then continue shopping and go home. When my S.O. asks where I was...I tell him shopping @ the mall. I'm not lying?!?! Why would I tell him I saw my ex there and we talked? So he can blow it out of proportion, feel like I was hiding something from him, start thinking crazy shit- like seeing my ex was planned— No thanks. I don't want/have time for that drama.

However, at the same time, leaving details out like that can blow up in your face just like a lie.
Let's say you don't mention it, and your S.O. finds out later. Then they will think you were being deceptive and trying to hide something, and really really blow it out of proportion.



You can't win. :/

Very true. Like I said, the KEY is "relevance." I don't believe in encouraging/enabling someone's insecurities (telling them I saw my ex, even if nothing happened all so they can flip out & ask for more details just for the sake of being nosy.)

But once again, people aren't dumb. They know exactly which things to hide & which things to tell. And unfortunately, most people WILL try to conceal the deal breakers if they can b/c those are the kinds of things that WILL hurt the other person if found out. And I strongly disagree with the people who believe that hiding what's actually RELEVANT is in someway doing me a favor or sparing my feelings.

Some people like knowing all the little tiny details just for the sake of being nosy. Problem is, most of those kinds of people are insecure anyways, so the truth will hurt them whether it's relevant or not b/c they're LOOKING for something to pick out in your story so that they can have a reason to bixch & fuss. Those kinds of people mess it up for everybody. If your partner sees you flipping out about the small things that they technically didn't need to mention, it only makes it harder for them to feel confident sharing the huge things that actually do/will matter.

If you're dealing with an insecure person, fine, deal with them. But insecure or not, people still deserve the truth.

A friend of mine recently discovered she had been cheated on by her man of 4 years. She caught him red-handed & to her surprise when she went back & tried to find out the whos, whats, whens, wheres & whys, he was actually honest with her.

I think he told her a little TOO much though. She was asking him for so many details, not b/c she wanted to really know, but instead b/c she wanted to see if he'd actually be honest with her JUST IN CASE those small details DID/would matter later on.

She asked him what sexual positions they did, whether or not the other woman was a better lover than her, what exact time (down to the minutes & seconds) they slept around, what the other girl had that she didn't have, etc. She was asking questions that really were subjective & didn't really make a difference. Her asking for all those details, knowing that she couldn't handle it, made things worse.

I told her, "Honey, all you need to know is that he cheated." Knowing any & everything else WON'T make you feel any better b/c technically, after everything is all said & done, you're not going to let him get away with it nor are you going to entertain any of his "excuses" anyways, so you might as well get what you technically NEED to know & be done with him. Knowing all that extra stuff is just for your own pride/ego & it will only destroy you. You'll find yourself later on harping on the irrelevant details, instead of remembering the big picture."

Alot of women do this sometimes. The minute they find out they've been cheated on, they start focusing on/harping on whether or not the other woman was better looking, for example. IT's like, honey what difference would it make! He cheated! Would it really make you feel better if the chick looked better/worse than you! The fact that he stuck his slinger in somebody ELSE period is what you need to base your course of future actions on! Sheeeesh!

Ha! Thanks, Bri. Its no wonder my pajama pants match your avatar! (Its a pattern of Hello Kittys with different colored bows in her hair and white hearts!)

Yeah..I guess I kind of try to put myself in their shoes. Would I want to know such and such? Does it affect me at all? Would such and such bother me and if so...for a valid reason? No? Ok...not sharin' then.

..........................

wait what?

Oooooo I wanna play too!

Exodous 22:19 Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death.

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? Keep in mind she is only 5 right now.

WTF—

Ummm... I was getting a lot out of this topic... yeah...

Posted by Candeh15
Ummm... I was getting a lot out of this topic... yeah...

lol lol! Yeah same here...If I had a slinger, my erection would've disappeared days ago! =X

IT IS SPOKEN IN THE HOLY OF SHABOOM PAPERS!
FIRST CHAPTER 24TH LINE
LISTEN NOT TO THE WOUNDEDBIRD FOR SHE IS EVIL
SHE SPEAKS WITH CROSSED LEGS
ALSO IN THE BOOK OF ED
BEWARE OF THE FUCKED UP PEOPLE WHO SPEAK FALSE LIES AGANIST TATE

"I have NEVER gained respect for the person that purposely hid it from me & left me to find it on my own."

If an outsider looking in approached you and told you the truth about a person/situation.....would you have believed them and what they told you?

I've thought about this one alot....I had this very example happen to me and I've been comtemplating it for sometime. For me, it would depend on the person and their credibility as to whether or not I would believe them. If it was a random person that I really do not engage with, I might raise an eyebrow and want to see for myself if what was being said to me was true or not. I would also want to know WHY that person was telling me that information too.