Bat-Shit Crazy Gem <3 Sane Scorp

Ok guys, I've been seeing the same Scorp for quite awhile, however it's on the slow and slow. When we met he told me about his sister who has cancer. He moved here to take care of her and told me that regardless of how he feels about me he doesn't have it in him to give anything to a relationship right now. Between being her care giver during this round of chemo and helping to care for her two children he has little left. I understand that, that is not what I am questioning....

I am however questioning how to make this work. It's been months and while I enjoy all that we have, I am having a hard time keeping the feelings at a slow pace. I am enamored with him and unfortunately my cray cray gem twin is not doing so well with the "taking it slow" part. Again, this is not what I need advice about....

Here comes the advice part... Lately, my crazy gem twin has taken to sabotage. When we do get to spend time together she thinks it's a great time to go into the "no go away, no stay, let's have sex, let's not have sex, love me, no don't love me" crazy girl routine. There is always alcohol involved, but that's no excuse.

He really takes it well. Staying with his crazy Gemini for hours on end trying to calm me down, soothe me. I always feel really bad that I've ruined our time together and I often find myself reflecting on my need for attention whether it be positive or not.

Back to the advice.... how in Scorpio language can I initiate a conversation and reach a common ground? Also, if you Scorps have any tidbits or words of wisdom in the form of reassurance I'd love those.

cock

update: crickets for over a week. and my drunk butt called him the other night. thank god he didn't answer. it was late.

Now we are at a week and a half. I've started the good old fashioned snail mail letter to send him along with a few things he left at my place that I know he would want back. Also, I've that feeling he's not coming back and I want to say goodbye in a classy way.

I have made it a point to say that he was very clear about not developing the relationship, but I wrote all the inbetween parts... making excuses for him in my head. You know the "I really like you, but I can't because of whatever" that crud we women are phenominal at... Anyway, just saying that I don't think I would have been acting out quite as bat shit crazy if it weren't for all that. And finally that while I do have real feelings for him, he really isn't responsible, because as mentioned.... I'm the one that took it to this degree.

There are so many things I want to say to you, but also so many I don't. I want to say that I'm sorry, that I understand why you??ve gone away, that I take full responsibility for all my actions, but what I don't want to say is goodbye. What I wish above all is to go back in time and take back my actions. I don't blame you for going away and were the situation reversed I can't say I do any different.
I don't know if there's a real purpose in saying anything beyond that. I don't know if you care to hear my explanations, but I feel like I need you to know. I want you to know that I have regrets, but also I have reasons. I'm not saying my reasons excuse my behavior, but in parting maybe you??ll understand me a little more, or pick up something for future endeavors.
I feel like the first thing I should do is apologize for making what you and I had into something it wasn't. When we met it was all about the sex and I understand you wanted it to remain that way. I also understand why you wanted it to remain that way. From your point of perspective you don't have anything to give. I??ll give you that, you??re completely busy and do have some very demanding things both emotionally and physically going on. You also did your very best to avoid developing our relationship past anything other than something sexual. I feel like we rarely did anything or had the time to do —couple?? or —date-like?? things. You were true to that the entire way through. You brushed off my sweet texts, rarely saw me in the daylight, and kept me at bay for weeks at a time. When I look back at these things now, I feel like I should have seen it all then. You were clear from the beginning that it was going to be nothing more than a —little fun??. I apologize for not seeing that. I apologize for taking things out of context and overemphasizing a few brief moments we shared.

From my point of view the whole thing was skewed. I invested quite a bit of myself and my time into thinking about you, talking about you, and trying to make something happen that I can clearly see you had absolutely no interest in. I was constantly having to remind myself just how busy your life is, I was constantly making excuses for you that you didn't even know I was making. I was writing a story in my head all by myself. I was telling myself all along how you cared about me, were falling for me, were too afraid, too busy, too emotionally drained, on and on, but always the same story??_. You really truly had deep feelings for me.
I feel so stupid. I wove such a deep story. If I had ever just stopped to see things for what they truly were I could have prevented so much. I wouldn't have had such an extreme reaction to you. I probably could have prevented all the —crazy girl?? freaking out on you. I truly know that so much of that stemmed from my need to feel like we were growing closer. In between each time I saw you I??d think about the last time and glamorize it.
I'm not saying that much of my feelings for you aren't real. There are so many qualities about you I enjoy. I think that your life priorities are extremely admirable. I enjoy your mental strength and capacity to see things for as they are. The way that you are an amazing caregiver is simply unquantifiable. You have a calming presence and let people be who they are around you, unseemingly insightful I doubt there is anything that you fail to notice. A heart made of gold and even more priceless. Durand, please know that when I think of you I think of someone heroic. I see you as someone worthy, someone who is deserving, and someone who is 100% loveable.

In the place where we are now I can only imagine as I always have what it would be likeif we were ever truly able to be together. It's really heartbreaking for me to feel all these things and to also feel like it is so one sided. It is for this reason that I so often found myself with my feelings hurt. I'm sure you had no idea what was going on with me.
I hope you understand what I'm trying to say to you. It's so hard for me to express these things and even harder to do it as I am now, writing and reliving it. I'm trying to tell you that I'm sensitive, I'm sensitive and my feelings were involved early on. It only got harder for me as I tried to express my feeling and you shot down my texts, comments or left me waiting for hours, days, weeks. However, even still I am not angry with you. You told me what you were able to do and stayed true to that. Who can fault you for that?
I hope you understand why these things came bubbling over the top everytime I included alcohol with seeing you??_ there was such a storm under the surface. I don't deny it's all my fault and I'm not trying to make excuses for my bad behavior. I'm just hoping that maybe you??ll be able to see where I was coming from.
Regardless of how you may feel about me, please know that I think very highly of you and I will miss you very much should you chose to continue your silence.

The last three posts are the letter I wrote to him..... I'd love it if anyone had any opinions on it...

Sultana, I actually did send out a letter, but after talking with friends and have them read it (people who know him and have heard me talk about every last detail) I re-wrote it as follows....

There are many things I want to say to you, but also some difficult things I don't. I want to say how sorry I am, and that I take full responsibility for all my actions. However, what is truly grueling for me to say is that I'm totally shattered because I feel I??ve been discarded.
I don't know if there's a real purpose in saying anything beyond that. I don't know if you care to hear my explanations, but I want you to know that not only do I have regrets, I have reasons. I'm not saying my reasons excuse my behavior, but I feel like you deserve some clarification.
When we first met, there was a mutual understanding that this was not to develop into anything serious. However, after spending more time with you I realized you were an amazing individual. There are so many qualities about you I enjoy. I think that your life priorities are extremely admirable. I enjoy your mental strength and capacity to see things for as they are. The way in which you are an astounding caregiver is simply unquantifiable. You have a calming presence and let people be who they are around you. Unseemingly insightful, I doubt there is anything that you fail to notice. You have a heart made of gold and even more priceless.

Durand, please know that when I think of you, I think of someone heroic. At times you seem completely selfless. I see you as someone worthy, someone who is deserving, and someone who is 100% loveable. You once told me that I hadn't met a —nice guy?? in a long time and you were right, until I met you.
It has been really heartbreaking for me to feel all these things when I also feel like it has been so one sided. When trying to express these things to you, I felt like you responded coldly. A simple example of this is our last night together. I sat at home for hours waiting for you to show up. As I watched the clock, all of the sweet plans I had expired. The dinner reservations I made, the walk in the park, the silly board games in my car for us to play when we made it to the outdoor patio bar after. Even when you showed up past 11pm, I tried to brush all this away and have a good time with you.
I know we never made definite plans as I was hoping to surprise you, but I really thought you??d come down sooner. When we laid in bed and talked for hours and hours, I felt we??d made a real connection. I felt like even if I only got a day of your time here and there that we??d maximize it. I know you are busy with things that are major priorities and I don't challenge that at all. I guess sometimes I??ve had these expectations about our time together and I often find myself disappointed.

I invested time into thinking about you and talking about you with my girlfriends, constantly reminding myself just how busy your life is, making excuses for you that you didn't even know I was making. I was telling myself all along how you cared about me, were also falling for me, were too afraid, too busy, too emotionally drained, on and on, but always the same story??_. You really truly had deep feelings for me.
I feel so stupid. If I had ever just stopped to see things for what they really were I could have prevented so much. When I look back now, I see that all those excuses were just that, excuses. You were clear in your lack of feelings for me through your words, the way you acted towards me when were together and most obviously in your response to my attempts to show you how I felt. I know that my acting out stemmed from my need to feel like we were growing closer.
Durand, I hope you understand what I'm trying to say to you. It's so hard for me to express these things and even harder to do it as I am now, writing and reliving it. I'm trying to tell you that I'm sensitive, I'm sensitive and my feelings were involved early on. Everything came bubbling over the top every time I included alcohol with seeing you??_ there was such a storm under the surface. I guess maybe I always knew subconsciously how you really felt about me, but I didn't want to accept it.
In the end, I guess, if we had been on the same page, both trying to build something, even if at a slow pace, I think my outrageous actions would have been averted. It was just too much for me to take??_ having strong feelings for you, trying to convince myself that you had them too and subconsciously knowing you didn't. My reaction to that when I included alcohol was to try to tell you how I felt, realizing you didn't feel it too and that came out as —stay (I care about you), no go (I know he doesn't really want this), let's have sex (that's what he wants) let's not have sex (because he doesn't really care)??. I hope you can see that now.

I have no idea if that is any better.... but it is too late now. And the clock begins. Tomorrow marks two weeks since we've seen or talked..... I felt like it might be over, we've never gone this long. I felt like I had to say something.

How bad is what I ended up sending?

I feel like he will respond in some way. He has always been sensitive to my feelings and even more so when I really open up, but like you said.... maybe he was just being a gentleman. I feel like by going bat shit crazy on him I pushed him away and more than anything I just want to draw him back... Ugh, I have no idea what I am doing anymore.

There were times when he and I did open up.... it went way beyond just hooking up. Talking for hours and holding hands while we did. Cuddling, watching movies where we both shed tears, talking about family, friends, fears, life.

Once, I looked at him (sober) and said, "You know how I feel about you don't you?" And he said, "Well you're female so you probably think that you love me." I didn't say anything, but just got up to leave. He grabbed me and pulled me into his lap and started hugging me and said, "I do care about you sweetie (his nickname for me), don't you know that?" I just shook my head and he spent a few minutes cuddling me and trying to convince me he cared.... saying, "I do care, it's just that there's so much going on. I don't know how to give anything to you. Maybe in a few months when my sister's chemo treatment is over. I do care though. I don't want to hurt you ever."

He seems to be more into me than just the occasional hook up, but I really feel like my freaking out was only stressing him out more. I'm really trying with this letter to appeal to the Scorpio in him that A. doesn't want this to make his life more frustrating when so much is going on already and B. to show him that if we just open up a little it will put my fears to rest and I can be a support rather than a distraction.

I'm really hoping that by really explaining things and my perspective on it (along with maybe a little guilt trip about him sometimes being all in and sometimes not) that I can bring him back and then be on my absolute best behavior.

Wow.... that was a lot of honesty, but it was that honest.

There has been new developments!

So today, I was obsessing about him getting the letter. Well around 1pm he contacts me (before he could have received it). We talked like normal and then he started making plans to see me maybe this weekend and also around Thanksgiving. I asked him if he had gotten anything in the mail from me and he kinda startled. I told him briefly what I sent and told him to check when he got home. He said he had never gotten a letter like that before and wasn't sure what to expect.

He called me right after reading it and we talked some more. He felt really bad for hurting me and said he had no idea that he had. He also asked me what I was looking for and asked me why I was rushing it. He said I needed to keep in mind that he's 33 and has only had one relationship. He totally enjoys hanging out with me and he said it was out of the ordinary for him to even do what we are doing right now. He said, "I love coming to see you and being harrassed by you".

He also said that he couldn't promise me anything, but that he's not seeing anyone else and wouldn't and that we should just see where it goes. I know that he kinda freaked a little when I told him I was looking for a relationship, and that I wanted to know if he would ever want that too. All in all though it was a good talk, well two good talks.

I feel better, but I am worried that my desire for a relationship may freak him out more after he thinks about it. Really I just hope we get to see each other this weekend and that we can have a fun calm time together.

Yay! I am so super excited. I like what you said too about just behaving as is and letting it be that way in my mind. We've kinda already talked it through, but I'm sure things will become really apparent as we move forward.

I'm not worried about there ever being anyone else, not even 1% . Maybe that's shortsighted of me, but he's just not the type. He seriously has only had one girlfriend and has slept with less than 5 women. He moved to my town a little over two years ago and I am the only girl he has even dated here, which is nicem no crazy exes to deal with, lol! I've also been to his house and met his sister, which she told me later was a huge deal. Do you think I am being naive believing that there isn't and won't be anyone else?

I'm just so happy that the craziness didn't run him off. I'm looking forward to having lots of drama free time with him in the coming days.

Do you also have any advice for activities that Scorpios enjoy? As a Gem, I love, love, love board games, but I don't know if that's his thing. I know he likes those ridiculous video games with headsets (he talks with his friends from his home town), but when I asked him about board games, he said he had never really tried. And I feel like we should do something substantial other than have hot passion next time I see him. ;~) Not that we don't do things together, but I really want to find an activity to make ours.

The other thing I was noticing is that he's a Sun Scorp and a Venus Scorp. He's very guarded with his heart and even told me so, he's not had the best life and his one relationship was not anything I would term as a healthy adult relationship. It seemed like a mess from what he has told me. So I am wondering is this guarded love style typical for this type? And I've also been wonder what it will all mean as Venus moves into Scorpio in the coming days.

Thanks again Sultanaa! I appreciate you giving me your time and advice. I've been a lurker, but not really a big poster.