Please help ...

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Virgo84
@Virgo84
13 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 29 · Topics: 4
Hi everyone! This is my first post and quite honestly, feel like my last hope. I really need some help since I feel like I don't know where to turn anymore.I'm a 28 year old Virgo female and have been dating a 33 year old Scorpio guy for 3 years now. I love him very much and through the course of our entire relationship, have tried my very best to make him happy in every way possible and have done things for him I would have never imagined doing for anyone. In the 3 years we've been together, we have never gotten into a single heated fight, we've had small disagreements, but that's about it. Neither of us has cheated, we've remained loyal to one another. He can be very hot and cold sometimes, but I've gotten used to it. About 3 weeks ago, I was staying with him for the weekend and something was completely off. He hardly looked at me, didn't touch me a single time, and barely said much. He had somethings to do on that Sunday so went out. While he was gone, I decided I should leave because it really didn't feel like he wanted me there one bit. I left him a note saying I didn't think he wanted me there, that I loved him, and if and when he wanted to talk he knew how to contact me. The following night, he emailed me saying he's been very unhappy for a few months now and wants a break to figure out what he wants. He said that I'm a great person, I deserve better, and that he's lucky that I tolerate him. He also said that he should have no complaints and doesn't know why he feels the way he does and it's making him mad and bothers him. I wrote back the following day saying a lot to him but basically told him that if he wants some time from the relationship, I'm more than willing to give him that. He emailed me back once more saying again he didn't know what wants. He knows that I eventually would like to get married and he doesn't know if he does. He also said that he realizes what he's doing is incredibly unfair because he is asking me to wait around, figure himself out, and make a decision. He said he wanted complete time apart from me and said he doesn't expect me to put my life on hold for him. I texted him last week because we were supposed to go to a wedding together last weekend and I wanted to know if I was still going and he responded with a cold answer. I'm so lost and confused. I don't know what I should do. How long before I call him to see if we can meet and talk? Do I give him the space he wants and for how long?
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Virgo84
@Virgo84
13 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 29 · Topics: 4
How much space is enough? I'm confused because I don't know if he really just wants some time apart or if this is a break-up. After 3 years, I would think if he wanted to break up, I should get the decency of at least a phone call. This is all so sudden to me and don't understand why. He has so much of my stuff at his place so I would think too, that if he wanted to break up, he would at least offer my stuff back? I don't even know what to think or how to feel anymore 😢
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Virgo84
@Virgo84
13 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 29 · Topics: 4
Thank you Metoo for your comments. Again, I am just highly confused about everything and why he would do this so suddenly. If he wants to break up, why can't he just tell me that, I think I deserve to know that. I did email him last Sunday to tell him that I actually think a break is good for us. I've become disconnected with myself this past few months so maybe I do need to focus on getting some things together. I did not hear back from him, which is fine. I guess I just don't know what my next step should be. How long do I wait to see if he comes around? I'm not just going to let the past 3 years mean nothing and never talk to him again. I need a time frame I guess and don't know exactly how much time and space I should give him.
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LibraRose
@LibraRose
13 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 207 · Topics: 0
It's very hard to say what is going on here, but I remember going through something similar. Basically what happened in my case was that he realised he had to get real about the future as he knew that I hoped our relationship would lead to marriage even if a few years away. We lived together for three years, but he realised that he wasn't going to marry me so he had to leave. Although it hurt at the time I am grateful now because he didn't string me along. He was honest about his feelings and I was forced to face the truth. It took a good year for me to get over it, but eventually I met someone else and got married.

Unfortunately you will have to be patient and wait, while he decides whether he can step up to the plate and participate in the type of relationship that you want. This is not about whether you are 'good enough', this is about him and his feelings about commitment.

i know it's hard and I'm afraid there is not much I can say to help you feel better, except perhaps that this does not reflect badly on you. As others have said, focus on our own needs and try to show how independent you can be. If he does come back you can be assured that he knows that you are 'the one'.

Best wishes.
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BigGirlPanties
@BigGirlPanties
14 Years1,000+ Posts

Comments: 0 · Posts: 2346 · Topics: 71
Life doesnt give time frames, nor guarantees. He literally doesnt know if he wants to be with you. You dont *have to wait, just live. Use this time to do what he is doing...focus on YOU. YOu said you have become disconnected from you, which means you have lost your indentity. Go get it back.

Force yourself to practice extreme self care: friends, family, hobbies, sports...whatever GOOD you can do to add to YOUR life. If you two are meant to be it WILL happen without your need to control it. The more you keep reaching to HIM for your happiness the more you will be disappointed. Its hard as fuck...I know..I been there. But its all you've got and the rewards are INCREDIBLE!!
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OceanDeep
@OceanDeep
14 Years1,000+ Posts

Comments: 12 · Posts: 2004 · Topics: 22
This is my thoughts, bear with me.

This wasn't all of a sudden, for you it was, for him it wasn't. Most people know these things a bit beforehand and I can about bet the bank this has been weighing on him for quite some time.

His answer to you about the wedding is two-fold, and I'm betting he was thinking about this wedding before you mentioned it via text and the glaring fact of this upcoming wedding was reminding him of you two, and making him think of his uncertainties. His uncertainty doesnt necessarily mean you aren't good enough to marry but moreso that he feels that HE isn't good enough for YOU to want to marry him. He knows that this is HIS struggle, not yours, and he knows he is bringing you down a road that is unfair to you. He is also being realistic to himself that if for some reason his hesitancy has to do with something lacking in the relationship, where he feels unfulfilled, he will without a doubt sever the relationship completely not only for his sake, but for yours as well. This doesnt mean he doesn't care, but it's the best thing for both of you to recover and move on with your lives.

He needs head time, space. Give it to him. However, he also needs to know that you care so if he reaches out take his olive branch. BUT, he also needs for you to be strong and to not take any BS behaviour from him, let alone putting yourself 2nd to him ... even though he would love it, feel special, he wants a strong woman who he can't control but who can control herself enough that he can be proud of it and her, and one who can stand on her own two feet yet need him without saying it.
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Virgo84
@Virgo84
13 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 29 · Topics: 4
Let It Be: I asked him what a break meant since I've never had one and asked if that meant we didn't talk, didn't see one another, or if he wanted a "complete break" and I think that's why he said that, had I not asked, I'm not too sure he wouldn't said that.

I'm trying very hard to focus on myself, but it gets more difficult by the day. I guess I'm still confused as to where we stand, are we broken up or no? I think after 3 years, I deserve to hear him say that. I also thought after 3 years, I would get a phone call telling me about all of the above, but I got an email instead. Communicating is extremely difficult for him, he'd much rather keep everything bottled up inside and try to deal with it on his own. Affection is uncomfortable for him and I know he has insecurities. I asked him a few months back why he thinks he's so undeserving to be happy and loved and he didn't have an answer for me. OceanDeep, I think you're right in that he knows it's him and not me necessarily, and I think that makes it even harder for me. Is this behavior, or any of it, really typical of Scorpios? Our anniversary is now less than 2 weeks away ... I set an alert on his phone for that day saying Happy Anniversary, I love you ... I hope it doesn't make him mad when he sees it. Maybe I will reach out to him sometime next month. He is too big a part in my life to never talk to him again. And if he wants nothing to do with me, then I guess I have the right to go and get my stuff from his apartment?
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Virgo84
@Virgo84
13 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 29 · Topics: 4
Oh, and I should mention that I'm an extremely patient person, which can be both good and bad. If I weren't so confused, I would probably keep waiting to hear from him but because I have no idea what's going in, I think my patience will wear thin and I will end up contacting him sometime next month if he doesn't first (which I'm not too sure he will). I've also wanted to email his sister or brother in law (who happens to be his best friend) since I have a good relationship with both, just to see what their opinion is on everything, but I've decided that may not be such a good idea.
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scorpiopics
@scorpiopics
15 Years1,000+ Posts

Comments: 0 · Posts: 1120 · Topics: 16
As a Scorpio male, I speak with authority on the matter.

IF ( and only IF ) you can see yourself with this man for the rest of your life
AND IF ( and only IF ) he used to take you OUT to places ( relationships behind
closed doors don't count and if that was like yours, just forget about him )

... if the two conditions above are met, know this:

Sometimes a Scorpio male just needs to be alone.
We like to hide under the proverbial rock by ourself like a real scorpion.

Sometimes we FEAR that we can't be the PERFECT GUY for someone we really love
and we will sabotage the relationship because we are afraid YOU will eventually
feel that we are not the right guy. We INVEST for the long term and our biggest
fear is that after such hearfelt INVESTMENT ... you'll just leave us.

There is ZERO % probability that this is about any other female,
just so you know. This is about his own feelings about himself
and his self-doubt about what he can offer you in YOUR life.

Priority # 1

Just send him this message:

" I understand that you need to be alone right now. I love you so I will
honor that wish, but there are some things of mine at your place that
I'd like to retrieve now so that I won't be bothering you constantly
every time I need one thing or another and it would be great you could
arrange a time for me to do that. "

Priority # 2

After you have your stuff in a box, you can flat-out tell him that
you saw yourself with him for the rest of your life until his dying day
( IF that is TRUE ) but that your heart probably won't recover from this
if it is left this way and you don't want to hang on for nothing to one
day find out that he's found someone else with you waiting for him

Flat-out ask him if he could ever see himself with you ten years from now.

No = thank him for being honest ( and move on, don't look back )
Maybe/I don't know = yes ... and that's why he's scared
Yes = yes ... but probably he won't say that, so don't expect it.
















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Virgo84
@Virgo84
13 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 29 · Topics: 4
Scorpiopics, thank you so much for that! I can see myself with him for the rest of my life ... does that scare me sometimes? Sure, but I know I want to marry him someday and yes, we used to go out to places often. I know that he really values his alone time, he has never made it hidden that he likes to be alone from time to time. As I said before, I know he has insecurities and part of me honestly feels like he doesn't think he's good enough for me. I don't think that's fair though because if I truly believed that, I surely wouldn't be wasting my own time! I'm with him because I love him, respect him, and value our time together. If I wanted someone else, I wouldn't have invested 3 years of my life thus far.

Thank you for saying there is zero % chance of there not being another girl. This has been tormenting me because I figured maybe there was someone else and that was the only thing that would make sense to me. In 1 of his emails to me, he did say there is no one else and that he would never go behind my back and do that to me while we??re still together. And in the other email, he said he didn't have feelings for anyone. And though I know he would never cheat on me, again, I felt like maybe there was someone else he was interested in because that would explain everything. I know he doesn't want to hurt me and I think he knows he is by taking a —break.??

I will wait a little while before I send him a text message saying what you suggested. Hopefully he will be receptive to the idea of me going over to get my things and then we could talk. I guess my biggest fear right now is that he is completely over me, over us, and that he doesn't miss me or even think about me.
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Virgo84
@Virgo84
13 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 29 · Topics: 4
Metoo, I refuse to just walk away without him verbally expressing he no longer wants to be in a relationship with me, if that really is what he wants. After spending 3 years with someone, the least he can give me is a verbal response, not through email and especially given our ages. I am leaving him alone and giving him space, but I will not keeping doing this for months on end. If this is truly over, I need my closure so that I can grieve and move on. How am I supposed to move on when I have no idea what's going on and am still confused by so much? If he chooses not to respond when I reach out to him, then so be it ... I will then have to toughen up and decide to grieve and move on. I don't, however, think he will ignore me because when I asked about the wedding, he got right back to me.
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Virgo84
@Virgo84
13 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 29 · Topics: 4
Let It Be, I really appreciate your words and comments, but I am not just going to let a 3 year relationship go that easily. When I love something, I am willing to put up a fight for it. Like I??ve said plenty of times, I'm more than willing to give him his time and space but that's also where all of my confusion comes from ... I don't know how much time and space is needed! My point is that if saying he wanted a —break?? is really some code for him that he wants to break-up, he needs to tell me this. I am defensive because I feel insanely rejected right now and extremely hurt. Everyone deals with these situations very differently and I don't know the relationships or experiences you??ve been through, so maybe it is easier for you to let go and see what happens ... I am not one of those people. If it's over, I want and need my closure. As much as this —break?? is about him, closure is about —me.?? I am an extremely kind and selfless person and will do just about anything for everyone that I care about, but in this instance, I feel like I need to be a little selfish. I think he's being a little selfish by not even verbalizing to me what's going on. I feel like I'm being left in the dark clueless. A part of my closure would be to see him for a last time, that is very important to me. And yes, he has 1 thing in particular, that if he decides he wants to end the relationship, he has no business possessing anymore. If I didn't care about him half as much as I do, then I might say —who cares, move on,?? but since we were planning on moving in together at the end of this year and I thought that one day we would get married, it's not very easy for me to have that mentality right now.
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callmegenesis
@callmegenesis
13 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 68 · Topics: 5
I understand need for closure. But are we really talking about closure at this point? Leave him alone. Stop hiding in the mindset of "I'm confused". Hell yes, you are confused. You've given all your power to this guy, done everything for him and he doesn't know what he wants. What does that tell you? What you are doing isn't working.

Your posts are all about him....what about you? Does he treat you with love, care and respect?

I get digging your heals in and wanting some sort of answer so you can move on. That right there could be your undoing. I was in a relationship for 4 years with a Scorp who broke up with me on a text, then married someone else 3 weeks later. I never got closure. I DECIDED it was up to me to form my own closure rather than insist on a final word from him. Screw him. He showed his cards. He never heard from me again after I got that text.

If you want him to see you in a different light, go AWOL. Today. Take your power back. Remember, silence is the best communicator.
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Virgo84
@Virgo84
13 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 29 · Topics: 4
well we broke up lastnight. i'm still very confused and he is still unsure of what he wants. there was a lot said between us, though I feel like there is still alot that needs to be said. i asked him if he still had feelings for me and he didn't know how to answer because he doesn't know. I am going to his place on Friday to sort through and get my things and I guess that'll be it.
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Virgo84
@Virgo84
13 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 29 · Topics: 4
I figure maybe on Friday we will talk some more? I don't know what to tell him. He knows I love him, I don't know as a Scorp guy who is hurting me if he would want to hear that. He kept saying last night that this isn't easy for him, but I don't see how it's not easy? He's not even willing to try, it's almost as if he's just pushing me away. I just feel at this point, he says one thing and then contradicts it with another. I don't know what to think anymore. And with him not knowing how he feels about me, that hurts a lot. Part of me feels like he does know and the other part feels like he's trying to tell himself that so it'll be easier to let go and be ok with his decision. Who knows at this point.

I guess my question to you Scorps is when you know someone loves you, but you are the one hurting them ... what do and don't you want to hear and what do you and don't you want them to do? I feel like I should have some idea of what to do and say when I see him on Friday.
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callmegenesis
@callmegenesis
13 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 68 · Topics: 5
He is a man...I guarantee you he knows if he wants you in his life or not. I've been in your shoes, many times. I would go in, get my stuff, give him the best kiss he's ever had, tell him he knows where to find you if he decides he wants you in his life, and leave with my head held high. Don't sit there and analyze the butter to death. He can't give you an answer, and his actions are not backing up his words. When men go distant and wishy washy, it's best to leave them alone, especially scorps. They like to hide under a rock and ruminate about what is going on their lives, alone. He may come back to you, he may not. But you have a better chance of him returning if you handle yourself in a manner that is emotionally dignified, even if your heart is breaking as I'm sure it is. You have to consider how he is treating you and you have to NOT put up with this kind of treatment because you love him.
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PhoenixRising
@PhoenixRising
13 Years10,000+ Posts

Comments: 19 · Posts: 19733 · Topics: 48
Posted by Virgo84
Thank you Metoo for your comments. Again, I am just highly confused about everything and why he would do this so suddenly. If he wants to break up, why can't he just tell me that, I think I deserve to know that. I did email him last Sunday to tell him that I actually think a break is good for us. I've become disconnected with myself this past few months so maybe I do need to focus on getting some things together. I did not hear back from him, which is fine. I guess I just don't know what my next step should be. How long do I wait to see if he comes around? I'm not just going to let the past 3 years mean nothing and never talk to him again. I need a time frame I guess and don't know exactly how much time and space I should give him.



I will chime in here as a Scorpio (granted a female, but a Scorp none the less). Nothing with us is "sudden". Scorpios are always think, reflecting, contemplating life, love, whatever, so this was probably brewing, but he was keeping it under wraps for a while as he figured things out. He even said that when he said he's been unhappy for months. I agree with what some have said about giving him space and live your life. I personally hate when someone does not respect my wishes. It actually makes me angry and even the smallest contact (e.g. email, text, phone call) after I've asked for space makes me retreat even more. Give him what he needs and take what you need. Do you deserve an answer to why this happened? Definite yes, but often Scorpios don't care what you want when we asked for something. We can be selfish depending on how evolved/mature we are. In the end you can't verbally demand he give you anything (e.g.an answer, response, etc), which is what you are technically doing whenever you contact him even to say "I actually think a break is good for us". We see through that and the mind games, like "okay, if that were true, why are you telling me? Take your space and let me take mine". I am assuming (I could be wrong) that is why you didn't get a response from him. Scorpios hate being manipulated into anything and we can become resentful. You can however, demand respect by your actions of living your life and not jumping at his every request he makes when he finally comes around and contacts you. Trust me, we respect that more. Scorpio's respond to strength. Be strong. There is not time frame for the space he needs
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PhoenixRising
@PhoenixRising
13 Years10,000+ Posts

Comments: 19 · Posts: 19733 · Topics: 48
Posted by Virgo84
Let It Be: I asked him what a break meant since I've never had one and asked if that meant we didn't talk, didn't see one another, or if he wanted a "complete break" and I think that's why he said that, had I not asked, I'm not too sure he wouldn't said that.

I'm trying very hard to focus on myself, but it gets more difficult by the day. I guess I'm still confused as to where we stand, are we broken up or no? I think after 3 years, I deserve to hear him say that. I also thought after 3 years, I would get a phone call telling me about all of the above, but I got an email instead. Communicating is extremely difficult for him, he'd much rather keep everything bottled up inside and try to deal with it on his own. Affection is uncomfortable for him and I know he has insecurities. I asked him a few months back why he thinks he's so undeserving to be happy and loved and he didn't have an answer for me. OceanDeep, I think you're right in that he knows it's him and not me necessarily, and I think that makes it even harder for me. Is this behavior, or any of it, really typical of Scorpios? Our anniversary is now less than 2 weeks away ... I set an alert on his phone for that day saying Happy Anniversary, I love you ... I hope it doesn't make him mad when he sees it. Maybe I will reach out to him sometime next month. He is too big a part in my life to never talk to him again. And if he wants nothing to do with me, then I guess I have the right to go and get my stuff from his apartment?

I would only contact him if you actually plan to take your stuff. Don't use it as a manipulative to see him/talk to him. He will see through that and it could go awry. I know as a Scorpio that would irk me. You do deserve an answer, but I think her's already given it to you. If you are a very patient person, then be patient. Live. Your. Life.
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PhoenixRising
@PhoenixRising
13 Years10,000+ Posts

Comments: 19 · Posts: 19733 · Topics: 48
Posted by scorpiopics
As a Scorpio male, I speak with authority on the matter.

IF ( and only IF ) you can see yourself with this man for the rest of your life
AND IF ( and only IF ) he used to take you OUT to places ( relationships behind
closed doors don't count and if that was like yours, just forget about him )

... if the two conditions above are met, know this:

Sometimes a Scorpio male just needs to be alone.
We like to hide under the proverbial rock by ourself like a real scorpion.

Sometimes we FEAR that we can't be the PERFECT GUY for someone we really love
and we will sabotage the relationship because we are afraid YOU will eventually
feel that we are not the right guy. We INVEST for the long term and our biggest
fear is that after such hearfelt INVESTMENT ... you'll just leave us.

There is ZERO % probability that this is about any other female,
just so you know. This is about his own feelings about himself
and his self-doubt about what he can offer you in YOUR life.

Priority # 1

Just send him this message:

" I understand that you need to be alone right now. I love you so I will
honor that wish, but there are some things of mine at your place that
I'd like to retrieve now so that I won't be bothering you constantly
every time I need one thing or another and it would be great you could
arrange a time for me to do that. "

Priority # 2

After you have your stuff in a box, you can flat-out tell him that
you saw yourself with him for the rest of your life until his dying day
( IF that is TRUE ) but that your heart probably won't recover from this
if it is left this way and you don't want to hang on for nothing to one
day find out that he's found someone else with you waiting for him

Flat-out ask him if he could ever see himself with you ten years from now.

No = thank him for being honest ( and move on, don't look back )
Maybe/I don't know = yes ... and that's why he's scared
Yes = yes ... but probably he won't say that, so don't expect it.

I am not a Scorpio Male, but Scopriopics hit it right on the money. ITA with everything said, male or female. Be honest about what you feel, straight up about what you need and strong enough to walk away.















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PhoenixRising
@PhoenixRising
13 Years10,000+ Posts

Comments: 19 · Posts: 19733 · Topics: 48
Posted by Virgo84
I figure maybe on Friday we will talk some more? I don't know what to tell him. He knows I love him, I don't know as a Scorp guy who is hurting me if he would want to hear that. He kept saying last night that this isn't easy for him, but I don't see how it's not easy? He's not even willing to try, it's almost as if he's just pushing me away. I just feel at this point, he says one thing and then contradicts it with another. I don't know what to think anymore. And with him not knowing how he feels about me, that hurts a lot. Part of me feels like he does know and the other part feels like he's trying to tell himself that so it'll be easier to let go and be ok with his decision. Who knows at this point.

I guess my question to you Scorps is when you know someone loves you, but you are the one hurting them ... what do and don't you want to hear and what do you and don't you want them to do? I feel like I should have some idea of what to do and say when I see him on Friday.



I'm not sure what words transpired at the last meeting, but I doubt it is "easy" although it may feel/seem that way. Scorpios don't like to show weakness and even if something is killing us, you won't see it. At least not with me. To answer your questions I wouldn't want to hear how much I hurt you. I already know. I may act aloof, but I know and feel it deeply--if I love you. I would just want to settle whatever we need to settle quietly and end it. Now that doesn't mean you don't have the right to say clearly and plainly how I hurt you (sort of matter of fact) and be on your way. I will listen, take it to heart (again not letting you know) and I will really reflect on what you said after you've left. However, if you go into this groveling "please take me back" plea or rant, I will shut down and then I'm done. And all you're doing is confirming my decision to end things (even if I really shouldn't have).