IAmMystified
@IAmMystified
11 Years1,000+ Posts
Comments: 4 · Posts: 1030 · Topics: 51
What's your take on relationship obligations?
not enough info for me about how they function otherwise, on day-to-day basis as a couple. but if I take it from my own expirience i don't see why she wouldn't include him. it's all about comunication and if they are both mature enough in the end those few people she dislikes really won't bother her. there are so many things to consider in this scenario it would really take long to put down all possible outcomes. (sorry bout my faulty english grammar, i'm from eu and this isn't my first language)
compromise is the word i was looking for (sorry my double posting)
Ha! I just got into this conversation with a colleague and she too disagreed with me. My argument was:
- If the boyfriend knew that she didn't like 1-2 of his friends and still wanted her to come along, at that point he is obligated to check in at some point to see if she is doing ok/having a good time.
- My colleague said the same situation happened with an ex she dated 2 years ago. She ended up being a 5th wheel becuase her bf and his freinds only talked about things that they knew and didn't try and include her into the conversation and her boyfriend never realized she wasn't having a good time until he said to her "See it wasn't so bad was it?" She ended up telling him that she didn't have a good time. But her point was that she didn't ever tell him it was his obligation to make sure she wasn't uncomfortable. The only responsibility was hers to not agree to come with him in the future.
SHe did add that her bf didn't like the fact that she didn't want to hang out with him and his friends anymore. That some how she's "supposed" to like being around people she disliked.
We didn't come to an agreement but it was an interesting hour long discussion LOL.
- If the boyfriend knew that she didn't like 1-2 of his friends and still wanted her to come along, at that point he is obligated to check in at some point to see if she is doing ok/having a good time.
- My colleague said the same situation happened with an ex she dated 2 years ago. She ended up being a 5th wheel becuase her bf and his freinds only talked about things that they knew and didn't try and include her into the conversation and her boyfriend never realized she wasn't having a good time until he said to her "See it wasn't so bad was it?" She ended up telling him that she didn't have a good time. But her point was that she didn't ever tell him it was his obligation to make sure she wasn't uncomfortable. The only responsibility was hers to not agree to come with him in the future.
SHe did add that her bf didn't like the fact that she didn't want to hang out with him and his friends anymore. That some how she's "supposed" to like being around people she disliked.
We didn't come to an agreement but it was an interesting hour long discussion LOL.
Posted by SunraySag87
p.s. yes I'd still include him in my conversations, and yes I wouldnt mind him checking on me if I'm having a good time. I'd like to think in those situation the partner should always pick your side on the other hand, you are responsible for your own behaviour/feelings and what's between me and him is seperate from him and his friends, if that makes sense?
Totally. I think why my beliefs / expectations are different than those who disagreed. While my colleague who was in a similar situation as the "fake story" got 5th wheeled and ignored by the bf and his freinds and they were so busy talking about things they knew adn didn't do anything to include her. Her bf was even clueless, but as I said above she made sure she didn't make him feel guilty for not "checking in" with her, but she definitely didn't hang out with him and his friends anymore even though he didn't like it when she wouldn't tag along.
I've been in similar situation as the fake story and my colleague where I too was 5th wheeled. I have different expectations. If my "bf" is going to insist I come EVEN though he knows I dislike 1-2 of the people in the group, he better make sure I have a good time otherwise it'll be a drag for me the entire time. I don't like the feeling of having to spend time somewhere that I hate. While I agree that how you feel and what you do is an individual person's choice but asking someone to tolerate an uncomfortable situation is another thing in itself.
Posted by TaurusGirlRas
He's treating her unfair by hanging out with ppl who don't like her and bringing her n the mix. I mean blatant disregard for her feelings. She should've stayed home n let him go. That's what I would've done
The OP never said that they didn't like her, it is that she doesn't like them. The reasons were not stated, so it is easy to come to the conclusion that they aren't nice to her but that isn't necessarily the case. She could dislike them because she thinks of them as some sort of threat, or doesn't like their personalities for whatever reason.
I think that if someone doesn't like their partner's close friends, there is possibly a deeper issue not being addressed. Maybe it is her boyfriend she does not trust entirely, "birds of a feather", and all that.
To be honest here. I still go with my bf and just pretend that it didn't bother me having those people I dislike.
I can fake myself and laugh their ass later on. I make sure I looked pretty and have a sound mind. Or else, I
just prove them that I have a low self esteem and not a classy type. Sometimes, we need to bend in order to
understand ourselves. Let's say I'm out of the conversation. Well, I can just hold my bf's hand and I'm fine.
"What's your take on relationship obligations?"
When I saw that ^^^ I thought it was regarding mature individuals, marriage or a committed relationship and roles within the relationship.
Again, I was mistaken.. 😐
Instead it turns out to be #2 & #3 of the 10 Toxic Relationships Mentally Strong People Avoid
2. Relationships that are supposed to —complete?? you.
Our culture, which is predicated on fantasies of romantic love, often suggests that once you meet —The One,?? you will be lifted out of your misery or boredom and elevated into a state of perpetual wholeness and bliss.
So, it's easy to believe that it's your partner??s job to make you feel joyful and whole. But the truth is, while a healthy relationship can certainly bring joy, it's not your partner??s job to fill in your empty voids. That's your job and yours alone, and until you accept full responsibility for your emptiness, pain, or boredom, problems will inevitably ensue in the relationship.
******3. Relationships that rely on codependency.******
When your actions and thoughts revolve around another person to the complete disregard of your own needs, that's codependency, and it's toxic. When you set a precedent that someone else is responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice versa), then you both will develop codependent tendencies. Suddenly, neither one of you is allowed to plan something without getting approval. All activities — even the mundane things such as watching a TV program — must be negotiated and compromised. When someone begins to get upset, all personal needs go out the window because it's now your responsibility to make one another feel better.
When I saw that ^^^ I thought it was regarding mature individuals, marriage or a committed relationship and roles within the relationship.
Again, I was mistaken.. 😐
Instead it turns out to be #2 & #3 of the 10 Toxic Relationships Mentally Strong People Avoid
2. Relationships that are supposed to —complete?? you.
Our culture, which is predicated on fantasies of romantic love, often suggests that once you meet —The One,?? you will be lifted out of your misery or boredom and elevated into a state of perpetual wholeness and bliss.
So, it's easy to believe that it's your partner??s job to make you feel joyful and whole. But the truth is, while a healthy relationship can certainly bring joy, it's not your partner??s job to fill in your empty voids. That's your job and yours alone, and until you accept full responsibility for your emptiness, pain, or boredom, problems will inevitably ensue in the relationship.
******3. Relationships that rely on codependency.******
When your actions and thoughts revolve around another person to the complete disregard of your own needs, that's codependency, and it's toxic. When you set a precedent that someone else is responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice versa), then you both will develop codependent tendencies. Suddenly, neither one of you is allowed to plan something without getting approval. All activities — even the mundane things such as watching a TV program — must be negotiated and compromised. When someone begins to get upset, all personal needs go out the window because it's now your responsibility to make one another feel better.
@Tizani, the colleague I mentioned earlier had an ex who was like that. She even told me during the debate that he'd be annoyed if she didn't want to hang out with him and his friends even though he knew how unwelcoming his friends were and didn't really try adn get to know her.
So it does happen where a guy or a girl wants their significant other to be a part of their social world. It's not a bad thing. I'd think it was a bad thing when someone didn't want their partner to include them in their social life.
Btw when I mean tag along, I mean not following him wherever he goes at that location, but I mean tag along in terms of going with him to hang out with his freinds.
So it does happen where a guy or a girl wants their significant other to be a part of their social world. It's not a bad thing. I'd think it was a bad thing when someone didn't want their partner to include them in their social life.
Btw when I mean tag along, I mean not following him wherever he goes at that location, but I mean tag along in terms of going with him to hang out with his freinds.
If the man knows that there are people she doesn't like there, he should make sure his girlfriend is having a good time. It was his idea to go, he needs to keep her happy too.
Posted by IAmMystified
When they go out, boyfriend spends entire time chit chatting with the friends he's most comfortable with (1-2 of which are the people the girlfriend personally dislikes)
This is a huge problem? How can he date someone who hates his friends? :/ They need to work that out.
Posted by IAmMystified
@LetitBe
Love your insight. Was the list from an article?
Yes...it's here in the Scorp forum
https://www.dxpnet.com/opinion/scorpio/10toxic-relationships-mentally-strong-people-avoid-5164833/
uote>Posted by IAmMystified
.... a couple of people who she dislikes will be there.
... to be around some people she hates
dislike and hate are similar, but, not the same.
so which one is it?
Posted by TaurusGirlRas
... ppl who don't like her ...
click to expand
wtf is that? ^^
Nowhere in the OP did it even remotely suggest that these people didn't like her.
What a stupid question.
Are these people teenagers?
Two people who are a couple, SHOULD actually get each other. So, this woman SHOULD have known that he was going to spend his time with his mates. So, this woman SHOULD have nipped that in the bud from jump.
This is non-issue .. what is an issue is that she's in a relationship where she is clueless about his nature and what he will/would do in social gatherings with these boys.
If she can't handle this .... then that's her problem because she is one who put herself there.
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Guy wants to hang out with freinds (some mutual friends, some not) and wants his significant other to come along. The girlfriend doesn't necessarily want to go because a couple of people who she dislikes will be there. Despite that, the boyfriend still wants the girlfriend there.
When they go out, boyfriend spends entire time chit chatting with the friends he's most comfortable with (1-2 of which are the people the girlfriend personally dislikes) so she goes off to mingle with other people.
At some point the guy will join the girlfriend in her conversation.
Knowing this is she obligated to include him in her conversation?
Also is he obligated to make sure she has a good time even though she's forced in a way to be around some people she hates if she wants to be around her bf and his conversation?
What is your belief?
You can go off of previous experiences if you want.