Help my Virgo husband as a new Dad

Hi I need some help understanding my Virgo husband - I have written on this board a few times when I was just dating my Virguy and you guys were great with advice back then.

I am a cancerian woman and really like talking through problems and I guess I am the typical emotional type. My husband on the other hand is pretty quiet and reserved and doesnt offer his thoughts on anything deep which is very frustrating.

We got married last year and had a beautiful baby girl in Sept and he seems to be less attracted to me these days - his sex drive has gone and he seems to pay all his attention to our daughter. I just found out that we are expecting our second child in November and I feel a bit overwehlmed by the news and when I try and talk to him about how I feel he shuts off.

We have not had the smoothest of rides and we are both in our late 30's - he had a bad break up from his ex and he continually talks about her, dreams about her - she had 2 children which were not his and I feel that he will always love his ex more than me. There's the Cancerian insecurity shining through.

I guess my question is can it take time for a Virguy guy to really love and show love to someone.

Forgive me in advance as I don't say this to insult or hurt you Joelle, but I would never marry a man who continually talks about his ex and dreams about her. Nor whatsoever consider marriage if there was any inkling or indication of him not being over her...in any sense of the word. Was there any clue to this situation before you married?

As for the sex drive being gone, some men develop a mommy syndrome where they cannot see the mother of their children as a "sex object" after they have kids. Not all but some. Or they are simply not attracted to a pregnant woman...

To be having 2 kids so very soon, he may be feeling overwhelmed mentally with the financial stress/pressure of having to support a family and staying away sexually since he ...

# 1 had a kid so quick after being married and now that the child is old enough to even walk ...
# 2 another one is on the way. This can be very stressful to a new father indeed. Especially given the current economy here in the US. Assuming you are in the US.

However, the way he is acting leads me to believe he still has deep feelings for her. I have found in life...that some, not all Virgo men... when they make that deep deep soul connection with someone they truly love and lose them, they never forget them or stop thinking about them. Though they do move on and try to forget...only to eventually wonder later on what could have been and what they lost...

As for taking time for a Virguy to really show love to someone, they don't so much show their emotions verbally but mostly in bed during sex. Sex is how they express deep love aside from of course, doing the little things for you and handling all the details that would make you happy. I have learned this both being a Virgo myself and dating a few Virgo men. What concerns me here is you are asking this question AFTER you married this man...

I will say this. I have a Virguy friend who experienced this same situation after losing an ex...and after 2 years of dating another girl and 4 years of marriage, he has emotionally checked out. He knew he was making a mistake to marry her nor did he listen to his heart, but went through with it anyways. His heart is not in it, never was and sometimes unfortunately... this happens more than people care to admit. However, a Virgo man will never walk away from his duty as a father or provider.

I am also sensing here you say you got married last year and had a baby in September. Did you get married after you discovered you were having a child?

joelle, I can't believe you are with this man ...... and gave him a kid.


First time you posted about him you were upset because of his obssession with pedophilia.

Second time you posted about him, he was obssessed about you giving him a child.



Now, he has one (child) and has stopped with his sexual attention with you.




WHAT.....THE.......FUCK........ARE.......YOU......DOING?

Thanks for understanding and P Angel you have a great memory. You are right I have no idea what I am doing or what I have done. The stuff with the ex has always been around even when we first dated but I thought it would get better over time.... it hasn't. We were engaged before the baby came along and I stupidly thought it would make us stronger...it hasn't. I thought if I loved him enough that things would get better - all I have done is lose my identity in the relationship and feel I am filling a void in his life. As you can see I am stuck in the proverbial rock and hard place.

Now a second child is on the way?! I am going to pray for you and your children. If it were me and there were any indication of pedophilia, I would gather my stuff calmly call my parents and divorce him pronto. What in God's name were you thinking?!

I am pro-choice so more than likely, I would terminate my second pregnancy if there were still time, however I cannot place my beliefs on anyone. It's not the child's fault who their father is, but I could never live with myself knowing my husband has an inkling of a "peep" of that sort of behavior. You are filling a void in his life, you are his "settled replacement" for his ex and you're making babies for him in hopes of making things work better. I hope for your sake that obsession with children doesn't become reality.

It continues to amaze me how people just "go along with it", thinking things or people will change and get better if you have a $ 10000 fairytale wedding. Let me spell some things out very clearly for you about life. PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE, WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET. The "red flags" are there to warn you that this person is NOT for you. Making excuses or "hoping" they will change after marriage or making babies to fix things... will NEVER reap positive results. EVER! 99% of the time it gets much worse and what's crazy now, there's children being dragged into this mess. This is why the divorce rate is so high, noone takes the time to really know a person before marrying and jumping into having kids. Even when confronted with "red flags", they still ignore them?

Whether you ultimately stay or decide to go, the court is not just going to take your word for the fact that your husband could or might be a pedo...they will see any excuse as a reason for you to have full custody of your child and trying to keep your husband from having his 50% . It will probably even be difficult to get supervised visitation for him unless in the future you could prove that your husband is even being inappropriate.

You have serious issues with insecurity and self-worth to be losing your identity in a "you were my second choice" relationship with a man like this. I highly suggest you seek counseling asap even if you don't leave this man because of the kids. With that statement you made above... some words that come to mind..."I didn't deserve better." "I cannot think for myself" "I just go along with what others want".

wow just, W O W!

Laydbak, I couldn't have said it better myself.

wow you are stuck and most likely he's going to act out with those children, you have to have some valid strong proof to get full custody and even then most of these kind of men are charmers and work there way through the system so he may fight you every inch of the way to have access to those kids alone...I feel really sad that these kids have to deal with a father that may try to control them through incest...please get some therapy for yourself and as for the option of terminating the pregnancy, that is completely up to you but just know your adding more complications to your life and the babies life if you choose to have it, I feel so terribly bad for those kids, they are going to be messed up if this man begins to act out his pedo fantasies with them and his lack of sexual attraction is a huge indication that it most likely may happen at some point, start teaching your daughter asap to TALK UP, tell her if anyone including daddy touches you down there and it hurts come and tell me, my mom told me when I was little girl the exact same thing once I got school age, of course thankfully I never had to endure the horror of being exposed to something like that but now you have to take full control, forget why he's not touching you, you know why and now go educate yourself about any and everything you can find about how to deal with communicating to your child about these kind of issues, I'm sure there are hotlines as well that may be able to help you, take pictures documenting everything and watch how he touches your child. You need thereapy to learn how to be strong for yourself and for your children...

Educate yourself!! put nanny cams in and around the house so you can document proof of his actions and put spyware on his computer to figure out how bad his issue with pedo is....

Thanks for all your posts and concern about my situation. I should clarify a few things when I posted originally about my then partner perhaps having pedo tendencies I never had any evidence of this just that he seemed close to his ex's children and maybe I read too much into things. He was smoking pot at the time and he just didn't seem to be the 'perfect guy' that I had hoped for. He has since stopped smoking and he is a loving and caring father and not at all showing the wrong type of behaviour with our daughter. I keep a very close watch on who is around my child including my husband afterall this is a mother's responsibility.

Thanks again, my question was really looking at if virgo men in general, can learn to love someone once they have been hurt in a previous relationship.

He's not hurt, he's a jerk and he's a jerk towards you because he wasn't sure but you were around so him being lazy took you up on the relationship, seems like he wasn't feeling you when you were involved with him, for the most part you settled and a man can't respect a woman that settles in a relationshp....your the relationship, as long as you don't ask for too much he's okay with being in your life

your instincts were most likely RIGHT, he has some pedo issues and he has some issues with his ex, your dumbing down your instincts to stay with this man, marry him and have kids complicates things because you dont' wanna love yourself, you would much rather focus on DRAMA created by you than rooting out the problem which is lack of love for self and hormones (nesting instincts), unfortunately many women do this only to find out later what they feared was right...get a nanny cam

I agree Tiki...

I see drama, excuses and insecurity. You are right about settling as well. When people settle it always, ALWAYS goes awry. It's only a matter of time.

The couple wakes up one day and it's like seeing each other as two strangers when in fact, it was who they were all along. Each just chose to ignore it for the sake of not having to face their fears, not learning to be alone as individual before becoming a couple and just a deep insecurity.

Some quotes...


When you acquire enough inner peace and feel really positive about yourself, it's almost impossible for you to be controlled and manipulated by anybody else.

Take control of your own happiness. NO ONE is going to do it for you.

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

joelle34 [Quote] 6/25/2008 4:52:48 AM | ip: xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx

He had been hurt before was a regular pot smoker and I questioned things of him (like was he gay!!!) because he didnt seem to have the same interest in sex or was painfully slow in making moves on me.

joelle34 [Quote] 7/10/2008 5:15:44 AM | ip: xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx

... whilst I feel like being intimate often he doesnt appear to be interested in the least and it actually feels like he is pulling away more each day. The thing is I feel I can't talk to him about things like this either, as he looks very uncomfortable when I start to go there and it seems to always come out wrong.

Okay, since no evidence has been presented, I'm going to assume that this VG is not a pedophile. What we do know is that he's a pot-head, and joelle34 knew this before she got seriously involved with him. Some of his behavior can be attributed to heavy use of marijuana - it suppresses / depresses affect in people, and Lord knows, Virgos don't need any help suppressing their emotions!

I also agree that he settled for joelle34. I hate having to write it, but it seesms that way to me, too. He's still carrying a torch for his ex, but married a nice girl he's not particularly attracted to - people do shit like this all the time (beats the hell outta me!). Usually it's women who'll settle, but some guys don't want to be alone, and will convince themselves that marriage is the lesser of two evils...

I hate this situation, but joelle34 was warned again & again back when she was dating this VG, and still had a chance to bail out and find someone more compatible...

Lessons should be learned...

I have to agree Dy. With the plethora of women who seem to be on the forum seeking a Virgo or any man for that matter... and you can spot it by the blatant insecure tone...

I can agree with Tiki, PA, Skys and some of the other direct women in here... that sometimes women are reaaaallly wanting to hear what they want and weaker men will bend to not want to be alone. There are always red flags galore and arguments reflective of this before the lawful commitment...

They want the ring, the fairy tale wedding and the marriage without any regard to compatibility...as long as they get it and it looks good from the outside. But in the end, it's just not going to last. Sorry.

Thanks Dy for speaking the truth. Many men do settle, but never say a word. Women too.

So Joelle, here's another perspective from a Virgo (woman). I was not around when you were posting before, so maybe if I read those posts I would have a different take on it. I have just read this thread.

I was one who did "settle," because my "true love" (another Virgo) was not available. I wanted children, so in my 30s I married my Taurus husband. We have been married 25 years and have raised, if I do say so myself, about the best two people I have ever met. I think they know it was not "true love" between Dad and Mom, and they have their feelings about that, but they themselves have been thoroughly loved and are secure and confident in a way that I never was. The sins of the parents are always visited on the children no matter what you do, and no one is perfect, so you can always blame yourself for whatever issues your children may have. I have even heard of children whose parents were thoroughly in love, who were hurt by that because they always felt shut out of the grand love affair. I have heard my daughters express that they would never participate in a lukewarm relationship like their dad and I have, so I suppose they have been hurt by that. As I was hurt by the drama and divorces in my own childhood. I mean you really can't win when it comes to kids. But all in all, I know my kids are healthy people. And I am everlastingly grateful to my husband for what a great dad he has been. And a good enough husband so it wouldn't hurt the kids' feelings. And I've been about that good of a wife.

Does that sound coldhearted and disgustingly practical? Well there's a Virgo for you. Have I forgotten my true Virgo love? No, never. I fear that Tonda is right, we never do forget our true love. We are undyingly loyal. But practical as well. And pragmatic. We will do what it takes to achieve the result that we have decided is right. I am undyingly loyal to my husband, as well as in my heart to my true love. If true love came along today and wanted me to divorce and go off with him, I wouldn't. My husband has my life and my vow. He is the same way I think. It sounds like misery when I put it like that, but it doesn't feel that way. Although I must admit there were years when it did.

Nevertheless, we haven't been intimate or sexual since about the time we conceived our 2nd child. At that time, we discussed it (exactly once), and agreed that our children provided and demanded so much love and affection, that we didn't miss it. As they grew, that of course decr

christ almighty. At least it used to cut you off when you went above the limit instead of letting you type on and on and then take forever to post it so you go off and do something else only to return and find only half of it there. (Not to mention the huge hunks of white space on every page. Perhaps people on non IE8 browsers don't see that?)

Anyway, as near as I can remember my point was, if YOU are unhappy with the situation, YOU must make a change. The title of your thread "Help my husband as a new dad" is misleading. He's fine. It's YOU who must decide if this is a life you can live with, and if not, make a change, no matter how difficult. As I think I mentioned (but maybe that was in the cut off part), Cancers need a lot of affection. So this may NOT be a situation you'll be able to live with. As others have said... he is NOT going to change... unless he decides to on his own. This is YOUR problem, and you must deal with it as best YOU can. He may be loyal, steady, and a good dad, but he's not going to go back on his true feelings for your or anyone's sake. That's my take.

Good luck,
Athena

St. Athena, thank you for sharing your story. Like you, I stayed in a marriage for years that was (mostly) comfortable, but thoroughly lacking in passion... It is a very Virgo thing to do. But, my spouse was a Libra, not another Earth Sign, and even though she would not admit it, she was every bit as miserable as I was with the situation...

I have to take some of the blame for her bouts of drama. It takes two for an emotional connection, and I just wasn't there for her...

The divorce was my idea, and it was tough going for both of us, but we get along so much better now than we did back then. I'm thankful every day to be married to a very passionate Scorpio Woman - no way I'd go back to my old life!

I think they know it was not "true love" between Dad and Mom, and they have their feelings about that, but they themselves have been thoroughly loved and are secure and confident in a way that I never was.

I could have written that; and, yes, our Scorpio Daughter knew (as only a Scorp can!) her Mom & Dad were not madly in love - just mad!

I hope joelle is reading these posts, even though it's probably too late...

Thank you Dyar for understanding. That's the thing about another Virgo is that they understand, and once having had that understanding with another Virgo (actually two), it's hard for me to imagine anything that could be better or more. My Taurus works well because he is so very far from understanding me, or me him, that we don't even try, and we stay out of each other's way. That seems fine with both of us. As for the Virgo(s), we are great at biting the bullet and lying in the bed we've made and so on.

I don't get on so great with Scorpios, but Cancers are another matter, and Capricorns. I love many men of those signs. Cancers are particularly sweet (Capricorns a trifle judgmental). I am not like them, but we DO understand. Perhaps if I had it to do over again, and so on and so forth, I would have found one of them to settle down with (almost did, before the Virgo came and swept everything out to sea). There would have been more love and sex for sure. Well, it didn't work out that way. So I have many Cancer and Capricorn men to light my life and populate my dreams. I love how their eyes smile when I come near. I suppose mine do the same. It's nice to be approved of.

I don't plan any divorcing, but my Taurus husband is a reasonable man, so hopefully everyone will get what we need out of life.

Best,
Athena

St. Athena: My Taurus works well because he is so very far from understanding me, or me him, that we don't even try, and we stay out of each other's way. AND I have many Cancer and Capricorn men to light my life and populate my dreams.

I hope everyone caught those sentences - they are Virgo to the core. Loyalty over love, dedication over desire, and from the outside, a tragic hypocrisy...

I'm not condemning you, St. Athena, but I couldn't spend the rest of my life that way - 10 years was long enough! Yes, I do understand where you're coming from - I just hate to see where you're going...

A life without love is not a symphony, it's a coda...

I was in a relationship just like Athenas', I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life on those terms so I ended it for mine and my husbands sake, its such a tragic waste of love to keep it locked up inside. We only have one life.