sandyclaws
@sandyclaws
15 YearsCancer
Comments: 0 · Posts: 322 · Topics: 29
Retreating after 'confessions'?
It is subjective to the reaction we get.
The wrong reaction would leave me distant.
The right reaction would lead me closer.
The wrong reaction would leave me distant.
The right reaction would lead me closer.
Posted by Cajunspirit
It is subjective to the reaction we get.
The wrong reaction would leave me distant.
The right reaction would lead me closer.
Makes sense.
Is it ever the case where, reaction notwithstanding, you feel you might have said 'too much' and want to step back and let the ripples subside?
I've done that myself and wonder if it bears any similarities to the trait of distancing after a level of emotional revelation I have read about here.
Posted by ellessque
lol at decan says the girl who just got off the phone after two hours of very indicative stimulating conversation.
all is back to normal.
apparantly, this ones a keeper who can deal with my idosyncrincies with a grain of salt and a wooden spoon
(or leather belt). 😛
Good for you Elle!
I've noticed that my virguy friend can handle (and seems to like) a certain level of sharing very personal convo, as long as it seems relevant to the context (i.e. where we're at in the friendship, what outside issues are happening, etc.) and as long as it's not a big verbal/emotional dump.
Framed properly, he is good at absorbing details and coming back with insightful comments. And on his side, he seems fairl able to talk about some deep things, as long as I'm a good listener, and sincere, not looking for something to use against him later. A gal he tried dating for a few months still contacts him often, using info he shared with her in good faith to try and cajole him into talking with her. Not cool at all.
Posted by 25thDecanUsed to. Now...I say what I feel and let the chips fall where they may. 80% of the time, however....it won't be something "deep" or "profound". I'll figure out pretty quickly whether or not you're the type I will ever feel reciprocity from in that regard. And, if not....we're just a fling. No biggie. At some point in the very near future, it will be over between us and I will move on. Why invest so much psyche into someone who wouldn't appreciate it.
In the past...yes, that was me. And, it hurt like hell because it was NEVER reciprocated..or it was always communicated that this was "lame", "too forward", a "bit much", "too much of a nice guy".....took me awhile to really learn my lesson. Not that it should apply to anyone and everyone considering that my experiences are different...as is my environment, etc. I prefer to be seen as "lame" and "cold" until someone's really paying attention. In that case...see above....and again, let the chips fall where they may.
This was what I was trying to explain to Elle about her virguy. Methinks he's not as fast as I am to laugh and delete but I would wager he's in pieces right now and will clam up and probably never let it out again...at least not to her.
I think the joy of building a solid friend/relationship over time is learning as you go when/how to introduce deeper topic, stronger feelings. People are used to moving so fast though. The virgo reserve comes across as too slow or too cold, but I can see it really is self-protective, especially when emotional stuff is so hard for virgos to share.
When I reveal something deep about myself, and have a meaningful conversation with someone..it normally makes me feel closer to the person...cause it's like we just had a moment..where "yes someone understands me". At the same time, for that to happen it has to be someone, who I can trust....I'm not going to tell any random person about my personal life..I have to be able to trust that person and make sure that ...what I say won't be used against me
So for me, friendship can take a long time, I'm cautious with who I tell stuff too. I'm a Virgo with Aqua Moon...so I'm def a secretive person. I only talk to my nearest and dearest..or people who mean alot to me
So for me, friendship can take a long time, I'm cautious with who I tell stuff too. I'm a Virgo with Aqua Moon...so I'm def a secretive person. I only talk to my nearest and dearest..or people who mean alot to me
So I have a confession.
About a year ago, my partner started saying stuff kind of general and random about it being ok sometimes to take a walk outside of relationships, if you know what I mean. I was surprised because she's normally very possessive. We've been reading and talking a lot about relationships & sexuality though, and her opinion has changed some.
I didn't think much of it, but a few months later she mentions the topic again, saying it wouldn't be the end of our relationship if I wanted to 'step out' (I'm paraphrasing here). Again I was surprised, but just let it go.
A few more months later and she's saying she feels bad because she's not as interested in sex as she used to be (shift work, plus some health issues don't help) and she'd understand if I took care of myself (carefully and discreetly) elsewhere. I thought maybe she's saying that because she wants to herself, or is seeing someone etc. but we talked enough that I don't think that's it.
Still, I kind of blew it off, until not long ago she brought it up again, and this time mentioned my virguy friend as someone she thought might be appropriate to 'recreate' with. Needless to say I was floored. I'm still just kind ofblowing it off. What am i gonna do, leap up and start screwing friends and random people just because?
The thing is, this is something i'd talk to my virguy friend about (not the part where he was mentioned tho). Out of all my friends, I trust his perspective most, since he doesn't do drama & gets to the heart of things. But it's kind of hard for me to bring up that kind of thing, and also I don't want him to think the obvious that I'm putting the mack on him. (Tho part of me is hella curious what his reaction would be).
Bottom line is that this has been an odd thing to have in my head, and my friend is the person I'd normally talk to about something heavy. Should i?
About a year ago, my partner started saying stuff kind of general and random about it being ok sometimes to take a walk outside of relationships, if you know what I mean. I was surprised because she's normally very possessive. We've been reading and talking a lot about relationships & sexuality though, and her opinion has changed some.
I didn't think much of it, but a few months later she mentions the topic again, saying it wouldn't be the end of our relationship if I wanted to 'step out' (I'm paraphrasing here). Again I was surprised, but just let it go.
A few more months later and she's saying she feels bad because she's not as interested in sex as she used to be (shift work, plus some health issues don't help) and she'd understand if I took care of myself (carefully and discreetly) elsewhere. I thought maybe she's saying that because she wants to herself, or is seeing someone etc. but we talked enough that I don't think that's it.
Still, I kind of blew it off, until not long ago she brought it up again, and this time mentioned my virguy friend as someone she thought might be appropriate to 'recreate' with. Needless to say I was floored. I'm still just kind ofblowing it off. What am i gonna do, leap up and start screwing friends and random people just because?
The thing is, this is something i'd talk to my virguy friend about (not the part where he was mentioned tho). Out of all my friends, I trust his perspective most, since he doesn't do drama & gets to the heart of things. But it's kind of hard for me to bring up that kind of thing, and also I don't want him to think the obvious that I'm putting the mack on him. (Tho part of me is hella curious what his reaction would be).
Bottom line is that this has been an odd thing to have in my head, and my friend is the person I'd normally talk to about something heavy. Should i?
IMHO, you shoud absolutely talk to him. If he would norm be the 1st person you'd turn to for advice, support etc and these Virgos are some of the best friends you can have, then why question talking to him now? This may be the conversation YOU need!
Posted by Starblue
When I reveal something deep about myself, and have a meaningful conversation with someone..it normally makes me feel closer to the person...cause it's like we just had a moment..where "yes someone understands me". At the same time, for that to happen it has to be someone, who I can trust....I'm not going to tell any random person about my personal life..I have to be able to trust that person and make sure that ...what I say won't be used against me
So for me, friendship can take a long time, I'm cautious with who I tell stuff too. I'm a Virgo with Aqua Moon...so I'm def a secretive person. I only talk to my nearest and dearest..or people who mean alot to me
i trust you a Lunar Aqua and describe yourself well... and the funny thing is you did the 'dot thing' like me when you type... LOL
hades
Posted by Starblue
When I reveal something deep about myself, and have a meaningful conversation with someone..it normally makes me feel closer to the person...cause it's like we just had a moment..where "yes someone understands me". At the same time, for that to happen it has to be someone, who I can trust....I'm not going to tell any random person about my personal life..I have to be able to trust that person and make sure that ...what I say won't be used against me
So for me, friendship can take a long time, I'm cautious with who I tell stuff too. I'm a Virgo with Aqua Moon...so I'm def a secretive person. I only talk to my nearest and dearest..or people who mean alot to me
I know that feeling. It's like a jolt of revelation when you realize you are able to share and trust someone that much.
My thing is to use my 'shell' as a filter. Everything outside the shell is a certain level. I can talk to anyone, have fun, make friends, chat about all kinds of stuff. Most people think that's all there is to me. But it's really just the public access part of me. The very few people I let inside that perimeter get much much deeper me. But once I decide someone can go there, it tends to be a more complete process than for virgos it seems.
My virguy friend has actually talked about testing people, in terms of waiting & watching to see if their actions, intentions & words are consistent before trusting them even a little. I remember some drama going on right about the time he signed up for facebook. He was getting stalked hard by a gal he dated (which I didn't know the whole story at the time) and when he signed up for FB, a friend suggestion from me popped up. He was weirded out like I was stalking him, and I was mortified since it was just some fb thing because we had some mutual friends on it already. I splained it to him and he was all suspicious like 'time will tell' etc. I got kind of mad since I had never done anything wrong to him before and said just unfriend me then if that's what you think. He didn't, and it wasn't long after that he started talking about the drama with this gal, and from there into other relationship stuff from his past, the break up with his ex gf etc.
But it was a hands on lesson of just how tight virgos keep their inner selves. I think cancers tend to make a leap of faith sooner than later, then deal with the trauma if they're mistaken
Posted by 25thDecan
Your partner is interested in cheating....or at least having a lay with someone else but feels that if you feel that you both can do this from time to time that it will 1) not ruin the "trust" in your relationship...because this is something you both will agree to and 2) that it's even MORE ok and not guilty of her to WANT to stray sexually because she kinda feels like she "knows" the guy and he's safe...ie, she still gets to be with you emotionally because you'd never go there with "him"...
She's horny. And it's not a detriment to you. She's just horny for you and others. This happens. The way someone deals with it is what sets relationships apart. Talk to your virguy friend. If he's not just cool with you because he thinks he'll bone you later...then you should get some good advice from a good friend.
Hope it all works out. I applaud the fact that you feel "uneasy" about your partner bringing that up and saying that. I'm like this: wanna stray...out with it. If there's anything we're going to work through in a relationship...we need to have the chance to work through it...not your manipulation of my response to your needs to sexually be disloyal.....
Your reply is definately food for thought. You sussed out some things I hadn't thought of. Heading for bed now, but I'll be thinking over what you said before I talk about it with my friend.
Now if I can only figure out how to broach the topic with my virguy friend....
Posted by 25thDecan
"I need some advice" or "I'm curious for your perspective on something..." usually works....
LOL It is his perpective that I value. He can be a cranky bastard, but he's usually dead accurate in his observations. I'm just hoping he doesn't make some snarky comment about my possible motives in the process....
*sigh* virgos.... 😉
Posted by 25thDecan
"I need some advice" or "I'm curious for your perspective on something..." usually works....
I emailed him about asking him for his perspective on something. Told him it's rather an odd topic and I haven't been able to find a way to bring it up so far. I figure if I tell him I want to talk about something, he'll probably ask me about it so I can't 'forget' to bring it up myself.
He's had trouble sleeping the past few weeks and is hella cranky, so we haven't really done more than chat a little over coffee recently. Yesterday he had to take care of a problem in an aparment building his dad owns across the street from work, so he invited me to a 'working lunch' 😛 He said you'll finally get to see the apartment, which was kinda odd. Oh well.
The main reason I am hesitant to discuss this issue with him is because of anyone I know, he's the one i'd be most interested in 😉 and i'm not sure I can play it straight talking this over with him. LOL I guess I'll find out. I'm not going to tell him my partner specifically mention him as a suitable candidate.
I do like having a friend close enough to even consider talking like this with. I was a bit concerned he'd clam up after all the heavy stuff we'd been talking about lately, but nope. I like also being able to just sit & drink coffee & not talk while we hang out. No bad vibes anywhere.
I finally had to email about having a chat. That way he has warning & will probably prompt me about it if I don't bring it up. Not getting together until Monday though, and I'm not getting into anything serious if he's still having trouble sleeping.
Here's most of what I wrote after our lunch yesterday:
Why someone as difficult and cantankerous as you, Mr ***, should be
such enjoyable company is a mystery, but it's true. Luckily I have the
benefit of my own willful nature with which to entertain(aggravate?) you,
so perhaps we are well met.
I??ve had something tumbling around my head for a few months, and I think
your perspective on the matter would be helpful. It's an odd topic, and I
haven't been able to broach it adroitly. Perhaps I??ll try some time when
we??re at leisure for a more relaxed conversation.
We'll see. I wonder if he's curious 😉
Here's most of what I wrote after our lunch yesterday:
Why someone as difficult and cantankerous as you, Mr ***, should be
such enjoyable company is a mystery, but it's true. Luckily I have the
benefit of my own willful nature with which to entertain(aggravate?) you,
so perhaps we are well met.
I??ve had something tumbling around my head for a few months, and I think
your perspective on the matter would be helpful. It's an odd topic, and I
haven't been able to broach it adroitly. Perhaps I??ll try some time when
we??re at leisure for a more relaxed conversation.
We'll see. I wonder if he's curious 😉
Posted by 25thDecan
Then that's a great thing! My ex-aries friend went postal on me after I was having a bad day within a horrible month and vented on fb. She wanted attention and started a fight, kicking me while I wasb down...and then others who have known her longer later told me they saw it coming...because she's actually bi(not that I cared, I just cared about her as a good friend) and that she actually was "after me"...and that she does guys like that often. Just be upfront ya know? Plus, this guy seems like you consider him a great friend. What's the harm in that?
Yikes! Too much drama for a virgo methinks. It's too bad she chose that way to deal with her needs and trampled you in the process.
Regarding my original question about virgos retreating after confesions, it seems that once y'alls decide to open up to someone, assuming a favorable response, you don't back off from that level of closeness. Seems different than the 'distancing' thing in early stage romantic ventures. Is sharing deep 'secrets' less emotionally scary?
retreat after confessions? totally. every time i say "i love you", i book a flight to the other side of the country. ahhh, i'm united airlines' favorite customer lol
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