In love with an addict.

Okay. So it's taken me a long time to be willing to bring this up in this chat group since I don't want to be slaughtered...so be kind but honest.
I am in love with a wonderful man--virgo indeed! He is a coke addict--which didn't come out until at least one year into the relationship.
He and I are not "together" right now, since I left for grad. school, and he is dating his drug.
I love him outside of the addiction. The thing is though, he wants the drug life style , but he calls me whenever he wants to and whenever he needs to. Sometimes he calls when he is high, which freaks me out pretty badly. It is not easy to hear the person you love in that state of mind..gives me all sorts of anxiety.
Anyway, I can't seem to let go. I even tell myself, "okay on three, let go!! You don't need this." I try dating other people and find that it is nearly impossible.
How do you stop caring about someone just like that? Especially, when i don't want to. In reality it is OVER.

I wish there was an on and off switch when it comes to emotions and love. Life would become so much easier...I'm sorry you are going through this Aquarianna...it must be really hard for you.Did he seek any medical attention for his addiction? I mean is he willing to seek treatment? Have you tried to convince him to give it up?

If you've tried and failed..then there's really nothing you can do...you've to be strong to endure heartbreak. Eventually you'll get over him... afterall what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

Take care.

Maybe letting someone hold you back in your life is what you want because you don't feel ready to move forward. Find other things to do around you and gradually your interest should fade naturally. You can keep in touch in the meantime, just give him less importance.

Aquarianna, first I commend you on the desire to have a "friendship" with your Virgo pal - that is one of the many admirable qualities of the Aquarian.

I know you want to help him but hopefully you have realized that you cannot. Sometimes when we want to help we are not really helping, we are "enabling" which prolongs the situation for both parties involved not to mention the pain that is caused and can take many years to recover from.

Letting go can be very difficult especially when you care so deeply for someone. This is where the term "tough love" enters our lives. Saying NO is a form of Love. Because you love and care for him saying NO may give him his life back. By enabling the addict we silently send a msg. to that person that it is okay to continue as he is...it is okay for you to treat me in the manner that you do...I accept your way of living.

"It is not the relationship partner that needs to change, regardless of how obnoxious or wrong the other person may be. WE need to change. And nothing around us changes unless we change first. I am not saying other people never need to improve their behavior, but the point is, we cannot focus on the other person. They will learn their specific lessons when they are ready. We can only attend to our own lessons and let go of theirs."

Another IMPORTANT aspect of this type of situation that is usually overlooked is, the importance of YOU....Why are YOU choosing to be in this situation? What needs are being fulfilled within you? What are you getting/not getting from this relationship?

This is most definately a learning experience for you. Very often we are attracted to someone because of our past and the relationships that we experienced. They subconsciously take us back to our "comfort zone". The time comes when we recognize that we must break the cycle, not only for ourselves but for those who follow us.

Aquarianna, the above quote came from a book that may be of help to you. Dash off to the bookstore and read through it - see if it resonates with you.

Fearless Relationships by Karen Casey

I hope I was of some help to you in some small way. My wish for you ....much peace and comfort.

Freebird

Letting go is the best life skill and yet it is so difficult to do. Especially being an Aquarian, YOU KNOW how miserable it is to just cut someone off who is dependent on you. No, he is not ready for treatment. He simply will not go. I think I am afraid that if I let go, then I will lose any relationship with him..and he is one of the few people in my life that I actually have let in..
Blah blah. You all know the story. But I actually go to group sometimes which helps. I know what I have to do. It's about time I do it too. Thanks for your words everyone.

Well,GeminiLover,I agree with you, it's totally up to him to decide.But you cannot just give up on a person just like that...at least I cannot...first you've to try to help them.That's what I was asking...if she has tried to help him overcome the addiction and failed...then there is nothing more she could possibly do.So it's better for her to just let go and eventually she'll get over him...that was the essence of my post.

Freebird, thank you so much for that. I will pick up a copy tonight on my way home from work. I realize all of this in theory! Of course. I cannot figure out what in the hell in my past leads me here though. But you are right, that I am only responsible for me and my happiness. Perhaps, the emotional unavailability is what is so comfortable. Yuk. That just sounds hideous but it's the truth. OH NO. Not this life lesson again!

Melusine I understood what you were saying. I tried and tried and tried. Eventually I have lost a great deal of myself now. It's been two years and he is worse than ever and I am wondering where in the world two years of my life went?!

"OH NO. Not this life lesson again!" You are tooooo funny! I completely understand what you are saying...unfortunately, the lessons keep on a comin' till we get them and once we get them? You will no longer need to sit in that classroom. You will be moving upward and onward to better things....who knows? maybe somewhere down the road you will have the abilities and knowledge to help someone who was in the same shoes as yours.....there are no mistakes- only lessons to learn. You maybe the "gift" to someone in the future.

Be well

Thank you for your words!

primegen--I will take your advice to heart, thank you so much. It helps to hear that others have had to let go of someone, but letting go just isn't enough! I have to shut the doors as well. I forget sometimes that I matter too, and this is killing me because it's a dead end road. I guess I have more reading to do, except now it's time to grieve and move forward. It's been really helpful discussing this here. Thank you.