Radio Silence...

Posted by epidemicdreams
The way I look at it is that he knows we can't be together right NOW, so instead of missing me, he ignores me? Or maybe he is really just busy... I don't know... but I miss him so.

Well that distance is definitely a factor. I'm great with people in person but on the phone or even internet less so. Partly because I feel it's so impersonal and things can be read the wrong way and also as you said knowing you guys can't be together yet he doesn't want the expectation to be too high.

How's this for a reasoning because it's valid to me - If I miss you, it'll hurt me to think I can't be with you right now therefore if applied to you, if you are missing me then it'll hurt you so the logical choice is to cut the contact down to a minimum until we could be together.

Sounds weird but I do it.

Also I'm hoping truecap will say something about being patient with aquas.

The distance may def. be a factor. HOWEVER, he knew you lived far away the minute he started talking to you & if he knew he wasn't going to be able to give his all or fully emotionally invest in you b/c of the distance, he should've never allowed things to get off the ground in the 1st place. That's just as much a waste of his time as it is yours

After all, having a connection & getting to know someone takes time, communication & effort...

clap clap clap to Krys--Truth!

Beware! Your Aqua could be your classic commitmentphobic kind of guy. Aqua males are a tad bit different then Aqua females in the love department.

I'm not sure if your move is about adjusting your life to be with him but be sure that your move is about YOU not him because the kind of emotional/financial investment you're making may not have the kind of pay off you're looking for.

Also I 1000% agree with Krys. Aqua's do not just disappear on the people we love, no, we don't do that.

If an Aqua is into a person he/she will not only be available but will also be clear about his/her intentions. We (the more evolved Aqua's) do not do the whole "leading on" thing so unless the Aqua is a commitmentphobic type of person--if he's commitment shy he'll lead you on, string you along until you come to your senses.

Ignoring you is a red flag. If he's ignoring you now, he'll be doing this kind of behavior even when you're in the same area code/zip code. Distance or not ignoring is not something a man will do unless he's not feeling it enough, not interested enough, not excited about you enough, not into you enough, not committed to you at all.

Commitmentphobic men specifically go for long distance relationships because he doesn't have to be available, there is no pressure to give the relationship what it truly requires to grow. He can slide in when it's convenient and slide back out when it's convenient.

Also why did you fly to go see him? Has he took time out of his life to fly to you? Yes it makes a difference whose doing the most leg work. If you're doing most if not all the relationship building work this could explain why he's ignoring you.

He has to be doing some of the leg work if not a predominant amount of the leg work to feel some kind of bond with you. If you're doing all the flying/leg work in this situation well he most likely hasn't formed a mental/emotional bond with you and can take it or leave it.

I suggest you take a big step back and look at whose doing the most work. Is it you or is it him? If you're doing all the relationship (building) work, the flying, the initiating communication and he's just showing up (when it's convenient) then he may not be all that involved/into you just yet which is one reason why he's ignoring you.

Hopefully the move you're making is about you and not so much about being with/being closer to him.

Lol @ aquasnoz - thanks for the nod. Yes, you do have to be patient with aquas. The payoff is worth it, if they feel equally about you as you do them.

My opinion on long distance relationships is zilch. Not for me. I don't consider it a real relationship in the romantic sense until you can be in the same area. In other words, I wouldn't take them seriously until the distance closes.

I agree with Tiki in that you need to consider who's putting out all the effort. Yes, aqua men might need a nudge occasionally, however, just like any man, they are bad about becoming complacent once they know they have you and they feel confident that you're not going anywhere. So, make him put out some effort. In my old school opinion, it should be 70% him making effort and 40% you.

Personally, I don't tolerate being ignored. I will let it slide occasionally, but if it happens a lot, well, I've got things to do, people to see, know what I mean? If I'm being ignored, its a sign that they're not into me and okie dokie, I'll go live my life and not give him much more thought.

Then again, aqua men are a different breed. 🙂

Yes, I know the 70/40 doesn't add up, but together it adds up to 110% and that's the effort it takes for a sucessful relationship.

I want to add also, two weeks is my limit of no contact. After that, I consider them as good as gone, I'm out the door and if they contact later on, I'm friendly, but things won't be the same. I no longer take them seriously.

This isn't a go at anyone, all good views and all but the OP has posted about their circumstance much earlier. Seems they have both tried to let it go but I guess for some reason decided to go ahead with it against the odds.

I don't think anything gets in the way when I want to be with someone. If they live far, they will definitely hear from me and I would hope the same. I don't make them wonder if I care, they will know.

This is just ME: when I don't pay you full attention or sneaking in a txt here and there despite being extremely busy it means that I am not fully invested in you. I am a woman though and most women know men are from another planet 😉

Another thing....Aquas may like to be detached etc etc etc BUT physical distance is not a good thing for us, I think, because the other person becomes outta sight outta mind and that will only end one way..

Aqua men get really attached when they fall for you.

Posted by tiziani
Lol such cynics on this site.

I wouldn't go as far as saying he's seeing someone else. At the same time, if someone tells me they barely notice when I send them messages, that is indicative of their choices and priorities.

Oh come on!!! lol This guy was bold enough to admit that he ignores her sometimes! Not only that, but he disappears for weeks at a time! Is him seeing someone else (casually or seriously) really an unrealistic possibility in this case?! I think not!

The things he's doing (or not doing) are not only red flags/signs of a man who's not fully into a woman, but also the type of things men do when they're seeing more than 1 person!

Again, doesn't mean he's a player or a sl***t bucket lol But if a guy signs up for something long distance in the beginning, but then half-azzes the friendship/relationship citing long distance to be the very reason for it, ignores her, admits he ignores her sometimes & disappears for weeks at a time, is him seeing other women really out of the question?! I think not!

Of course I'm just speculating, as we all are.

I think she needs to take a step back. Not necessarily let him go for good. If it's true that they've taken a break before, but eventually came back together, I'm not sure she'd even listen if any of us told her to cut him off anyways *shrugs

Sometimes men give women clear signals. They tell you who they are. They show you who they are. They're honest about how they feel about you, even if what they have to say isn't pleasing to the ears. But some women are so used to guys being untruthful & shady characters that require reading b/w the lines that they can't even believe or process things when they finally find a guy who doesn't sugar coat things. I mean who even admits "Yeah, I ignore you sometimes??" lol

I don't think this guy is a bad guy. Based on the info the OP gave, this story screams "He's not that into you!" to me. He's doing nothing that a guy would do if he had a true interest in a woman, wanted to reassure her b/c he's got a true interest in her and/or tried to fix a situation that he knows bothers her IF he's been made aware that it bothers her. Nothing about this story points to him wanting the same things she wants.

Aquasnoz made me curious about the back story so I had to read it.

What stood out for me is

"Last winter, we were drinking and I tried to kiss him... he turned away. He has a gay best friend who is also crazy in love with him who gets grabby sometimes and one night he told me that I didn't 'try hard enough'"

"Recently, this year, I finally met the rest of his friends including his gay best friend and what's weird is that it felt like his gay best friend conceded to me..."

"He went to bed and then his friends 'broke the news' to me that I was "JUST" his best friend.."

He may not label his behavior with his Gay friend as being Gay but I have a sincere gut feeling he's participated in Gay behavior with this man.

If you wanna know the truth why not speak to the Gay friend and ask him if your Aqua has ever participated in intimate sexual behavior which includes kissing, fondling etc etc with him? I'm sure you'll get the truth.

Listen, this guy may not label himself as gay but I wouldn't be surprised in the least if he has some sexual identity struggles going on inside of himself.

All the red flags are waving slap dab in your face. He rejected kissing you, he cuddled with you...This is not the kind of behavior STRAIGHT men do.

Out of the whole 7 years what sexual intimate behavior has he participated in with you?

I dunno, maybe it's just me but this guy sounds Gay or at the least struggling with his sexual identity which is understandable because some men aren't sure about how they want to identify themselves even in there 20's and 30's sexual identity can be a struggle/issue.

He's just a friend who see you as a good friend. This can only lead to heartache for you because he's not being completely honest with you about his intentions/real feelings and understandably so, a lot of men do not/will not admit they are tinkering with the idea of being with a man romantically.

He can deny all he wants but straight men will not allow a gay man to be touching, feeling him up, grab assing with them. Straight men don't play that shit with other men in public nor behind closed doors.

I figured there was more to the story. There always is.

However, I think of all the questions you could possibly ask, considering this situation seems fishy all across the board, I'm surprised that you wanting to know if he misses you or not is your first priority in your line of questioning

Let's talk about ACTIONS for a minute. I think your confusion in the past has come from his words conflicting with his actions. You say he says one thing, but then does another, hence the reason we had no choice but to assume that he wasn't up to any good. Actions speak louder than words. I know you care about this guy & all, but the "actions speak louder than words" creed applies to him too.

If a person misses you, they'll tell you
If a person wants to be with you, they'll be with you
If a person really wants something, they'll stop at nothing to get it. And if they stop, they didn't want it bad enough
If a person considers you a valuable asset in their life (and not just a temporary void filler or an emotional punching bag to take all of their past frustration & baggage out on you), they'll do everything to make sure that you're not constantly questioning their loyalty or intentions.

If a person wants to marry you, they'll at least take the 1st step in starting an official relationship with you lol

In other words, stop listening to what he says & pay more attention to what he does. Your intuition/instincts have already warned you about certain things, thus the reason you've had so many questions about this guy.

If you guys are too insecure to make it work, then spare each other & let each other go romantically. His love or care for you won't make his inner demons go away. If you guys can't be together b/c of distance, that's fine, but agree to be friends. Not half-azzed lovers. You're gonna continue getting mixed signals & constantly feeling unsure about things for as long as you keep making excuses for him & allow this half-azzed friendship/relationship to continue

Pick one!! lol

Yeah I agree with Krys...Something smells fishy. Go back and read your own words if you can't believe our words.

So wait...Now you're saying there is no Gay best friend? You're the Gay best friend? What the fuck! I hope you're not trolling because you're story is not adding up here. Is there a physical Gay best friend or not?

His actions are the most important part of this equation not just his words. The words and actions must match up in order to bring true meaning to your situation.

I feel no matter what we say you're going to keep on epidemiclydreaming. You've had so many red flags glaring at you and all you can do is romanticize because it's been years and years between the 2 of you.

But to answer your question. Does he miss you? No not if he's ignoring you because if he missed you he'd reply to your attempt/s at communicating.

What's alluring is you're safe, predictable, a bit naive/gullible and available which can be boring and lacking in stimulation but it's reassuring and comfortable.

A man who discusses marriage/being serious with you will not ignore you.

Well then you answered your own question way better than anyone else.

@Epic: Now wait a minute. We're not all crazy! We read exactly what you've shared. And we've responded accordingly to everything you've shared. You didn't paint the best picture of him (whether you realize that or not) therefore, our advice wasn't necessary bright or rosy either.

Of course there's always more to the story. That applies to everyone else on this site seeking "advice." But if you're gonna ask for advice, but then tell everyone there's more to the story every 5 minutes, then there's no point of asking for it. That's called purposely setting a bar so high that it's unreachable.

We're not asking you to tell us your whole life story. Just that it's impossible for anyone to give advice if they're told a half-azzed story. If you don't like half-azzed advice, then you've gotta give a full-fledged story. If you don't want to do so, then expect for people to go off of the little you have shared. That's fair.

Sometimes you don't have to know 100% of a situation to get an overall glimpse of what's going on. If you had to know 100% of the person or the circumstances, then technically no one would be capable of giving advice on any subject, ever! lol

Every time you tell us something, you back track once we respond with something you don't wanna hear. You've told us that this guy ignores you & admits to you that he does. There is nothing good about that. And no that's not 1 of those things that "all relationships go through b/c they all have to run its course."

If he was serious about you, you'd know it. Some of your doubts come from inner insecurity. But some of them come from his actions that don't match with his words. Don't put it all on him when you're telling your story, but then back tract & put the problem all on yourself just b/c we respond telling you what you don't wanna hear

Remember we're not emotionally invested in him, so we have no other choice but to respond as people looking from the outside in. We have no incentive to make excuses for him or butter up his actions like you do b/c there's no pride, ego or emotional rejection at stake for us like there is for you.

Posted by aquapiscescusp
Well then you answered your own question way better than anyone else.

Right!! That's the very 1st thing I said when responding to this post.

She's asking questions, but then going back & answering them herself. In that case, what are we needed for?! lol

I don't mean to be harsh on her but it's completely unfair when someone asks for advice & only rejects it b/c we technically "don't know the whole story." It's not our fault or problem that we don't know the whole story lol If you give me 10% of a story, I'm going to respond based on the 10% that you've given me. I don't live in her head & never will. To expect me or anyone who may even personally know them both, to hit it right on the head every time is unrealistic

If we're wrong about him, so be it, but never will there come a time when I'm encouraging a woman to hold onto a man who 1. Ignores her consistently 2. Tells her over & over again that he doesn't want a commitment 3. Wears his baggage on his sleeve, when he really could've just stayed out of the dating arena & got his sh****t together instead of dragging others in it & making them pay for another's mistakes & 4. Brings out the side in a woman that allows her to go into denial.

Never will I be excited for those kinds of typical situations. Never will I advise a woman to just "sit tight" b/c his actions must be misunderstood. Hell even he's told her the very things we're telling her: He's not going to commit, he's got some serious issues, he DOES ignore her & the likelihood for a relationship forming that's healthy & full of trust is not likely at all. But yet when we say it, it's "Omg you guys don't know the true story." Well whose fault is that?! lol

These situations are toxic & usually don't end well. Why? B/c 2 people who have issues that control their relations with others spend more time trying to fix/counsel each other instead of just having the freakin' relationship! And you can always tell how a story will end by how much confusion, inconsistency, lack of trust, insecurity & baggage is loaded in the storyline.

Posted by krysrenee7

Posted by aquapiscescusp
Well then you answered your own question way better than anyone else.

Right!! That's the very 1st thing I said when responding to this post.

She's asking questions, but then going back & answering them herself. In that case, what are we needed for?! lol

I don't mean to be harsh on her but it's completely unfair when someone asks for advice & only rejects it b/c we technically "don't know the whole story." It's not our fault or problem that we don't know the whole story lol If you give me 10% of a story, I'm going to respond based on the 10% that you've given me. I don't live in her head & never will. To expect me or anyone who may even personally know them both, to hit it right on the head every time is unrealistic

If we're wrong about him, so be it, but never will there come a time when I'm encouraging a woman to hold onto a man who 1. Ignores her consistently 2. Tells her over & over again that he doesn't want a commitment 3. Wears his baggage on his sleeve, when he really could've just stayed out of the dating arena & got his sh****t together instead of dragging others in it & making them pay for another's mistakes & 4. Brings out the side in a woman that allows her to go into denial.

Never will I be excited for those kinds of typical situations. Never will I advise a woman to just "sit tight" b/c his actions must be misunderstood. Hell even he's told her the very things we're telling her: He's not going to commit, he's got some serious issues, he DOES ignore her & the likelihood for a relationship forming that's healthy & full of trust is not likely at all. But yet when we say it, it's "Omg you guys don't know the true story." Well whose fault is that?! lol

These situations are toxic & usually don't end well. Why? B/c 2 people who have issues that control their relations with others spend more time trying to fix/counsel each other instead of just having the freakin' relationship! And you can always tell how a story will end by how much confusion, inconsistency, lack of trust, insecurity & baggage is loaded in the storyline.

click to expand

*exactly*

Posted by tiziani
Everyone ends up answering their own questions, though. They just need others as a sounding board to process their thoughts. So I'm sure in a way, you all helped.

Yes, and sometimes it helps to write it all down and then re-read it for yourself. Add in the other opinions and points of view and one can come to their own answers and conclusions.

DXP Therapy at it's best. 🙂

Well, OP, just go with your gut instinct. That's the best advice I can give you. Women's intuition is almost never wrong. Best of luck!

+1 million Krys

Especially this:

"These situations are toxic & usually don't end well. Why? B/c 2 people who have issues that control their relations with others spend more time trying to fix/counsel each other instead of just having the freakin' relationship! And you can always tell how a story will end by how much confusion, inconsistency, lack of trust, insecurity & baggage is loaded in the storyline."

Epic you're in la la land, wake the fuck up! You owe it to yourself and to your child.

So brutal in here 😛

Posted by feby16aqua

Posted by tiziani
Everyone ends up answering their own questions, though. They just need others as a sounding board to process their thoughts. So I'm sure in a way, you all helped.

hell to the yes.

click to expand

lol

wth is the cheetah doing to Wonder Woman? 😆

She has a history of being in toxic relationships, this relationship pattern is no different just riddled with passive ambiguous behavior.

The mere fact that she had to ask the board members if he missed her and in the same breath say he's ignoring her attempt at communication is a clear indication she is not thinking this through properly.

Women who have a history of picking the wrong men typically thrive in situations that are riddled with confusion, passive/overt rejection, and ambiguity.

A woman with healthy self esteem would never put herself in the kind of position where there is no clarity, especially if her child is involved, these kind of situations break down a woman's self esteem not build it up.

I don't understand why you're so insistent on getting your point across when people are voicing their concerns. Two guarded people != communication breakdown, we all can get nit-picky about what is and constitutes a LDR but for what it's worth they are both trying to make it work when that distance is closed and yet you still insist there is something wrong with them.

Can't do anything right by you?

Last I checked I wasn't speaking to you. It's a forum where points are being made constantly daily. You don't like what I'm saying hit the ignore button.

I don't really care if you're speaking to me or not or the fact you care about me caring.

You don't stick around, and when you do you are almost 99% negative about everything. Krys offered alternatives rather than basically saying "wake up, and get out of this relationship" and yet you still insist and insist AND insist.

Do you have a problem or are you just that retarded?

Posted by aquasnoz
I don't really care if you're speaking to me or not or the fact you care about me caring.

You don't stick around, and when you do you are almost 99% negative about everything. Krys offered alternatives rather than basically saying "wake up, and get out of this relationship" and yet you still insist and insist AND insist.

Do you have a problem or are you just that retarded?

Oh LOL

Aquanoz you're in love with me, look at you being captain save em, I'm not available boo.

Whatever I'm saying I'm not saying it to you. Not once have I spoke to you so stop being a whiny bitch about what I'm saying.

Why do you care about what you perceive to be negativity? Why are you so invested in me and my words?

Take your corny ass on some place with you're fucked up advice.

I don't give alternatives, I'm not Krys, I'm me. I have my own way of being on DXP such as everyone else. If you just can't stand what I'm saying you have the option of hitting the block button.

Be gone little girl. Go play with thee Big boys, I ain't one em.

I'm sure there's a compliment in there somewhere.

Anyways I agree with IS about the aqua/sag dynamic.

Sorry to say but Tiki and Krys are 100% on point here. You are a beautiful woman, not that physical beauty is the be all end all, but it often gives you more options. Just saying. Don't waste your beauty and kind heart on a man whose not really invested in getting to know you and exploring the possibility of taking it to the next level, especially since you will be moving out to his neck of the woods in the future. Like the other 2 wise women said, if a man truly digs you he won't ignore you. This sounds like classic commitment phobe moves and I'm not the type to accuse all men of this. Some just aren't into you and we mistake it for having an issue with commitment (ie intimacy). You deserve the whole enchilada. Don't ever settle for the scraps. It will mess with your self-esteem and you'll be losing out on meeting men who have more to offer b/c you hung you hat on the wrong cowboy.