Advice on my cancer man

I've been stalking this cancer forum for awhile now and finally set up an account 🙂 I'm currently in a very complicated situation that includes a cancer man. I'm separated from my husband (a virgo) and I have a 2 year old child. I wasn't looking to date when I met my cancer man. He just seemed so perfect, fun, smart and different from any man I've met before. Hes my opposite in so many ways but I found that very interesting. I've never dated a cancer before. We've been together about 6 months and lately all we do is fight. There are several variables... He's 10 years younger than me, in college with no job. Lives at home... His mother does not approve of us, but he's a cancer who actually hates his mom. He grew up in a pretty insensitive home, and so he is very logical and sometimes insensitive. I am highly emotional and crave sensitivity. I'm also wondering if he's been longing for a sensitive, loving woman in his life(since his mother was not). That makes me feel weird considering our 10 year age difference.

We were very intense from the start and he told me within a few months that he wanted to give me some kind of promise ring... That he knew he wanted to always be with me. This was a little strong for me considering my divorce isn't even final! Lol. I wasn't sure if he really meant this, or if he just said these things b/c this is only his second serious relationship. I think maybe this scared me b/c I don't want to hurt him and I stated pulling away a little. He immediately knew and started pushing serious future discussions more... Which in turn I began thinking why we won't work out.

I'm not sure why, but neither of us wants to end the relationship. I think we really do love each other and want the best for each other... But are we too different? In addition to fighting over our emotions... Lately I feel like all he wants to do is have sex. I will admit... I agree with a lot of posts that cancer men are extremely hot in bed... This is the best sex of my life. But it got to where it seemed that's all he wanted. Another thing we fight over is money. It's hard b/c I pay for most everything we do... I end up feeling used. I've told him that I just think we met at the wrong time. A few years from now he'll have a job, his own place and my divorce will be final. But he says if we slow things down or take a break we'll probably never see each other again. Ughhh 😢

Any help would be awesome!!!

"I've told him that I just think we met at the wrong time."

I think that this is the crux of your problems. You are both in very different places in your lives - in so many ways.

Cancer man with bad relationship with mother. Many would say RUN. As a cancer myself, I just never feel emotionally connected to aqua's and I always end up wanting to escape to go find it somewhere. They never understand me.

Posted by cancerlovestaurus
Cancer man with bad relationship with mother. Many would say RUN.

I'm curious about this. I know that Cancers are supposed to be close to their mothers and tend to look for similar qualities in a partner. But what can one expect when Cancers aren't close to their mothers?

Posted by paries

Posted by cancerlovestaurus
Cancer man with bad relationship with mother. Many would say RUN.

I'm curious about this. I know that Cancers are supposed to be close to their mothers and tend to look for similar qualities in a partner. But what can one expect when Cancers aren't close to their mothers?

click to expand

bahh!!!

Another misconception about Cancers, I think... just like how we love children and you can't get us out of the kitchen.

A Cancer will have a strong emotional 'response' to their mother. This could be love, obligation, guilt or hate. I have a love/hate relationship with my Mom. I would say for the Cancers I know, the maternal relationship is 'complicated'.

I would be interested in what the Crabby Guys have to say on this one...

Posted by shellshocker

Posted by paries

Posted by cancerlovestaurus
Cancer man with bad relationship with mother. Many would say RUN.

I'm curious about this. I know that Cancers are supposed to be close to their mothers and tend to look for similar qualities in a partner. But what can one expect when Cancers aren't close to their mothers?

bahh!!!

Another misconception about Cancers, I think... just like how we love children and you can't get us out of the kitchen.

A Cancer will have a strong emotional 'response' to their mother. This could be love, obligation, guilt or hate. I have a love/hate relationship with my Mom. I would say for the Cancers I know, the maternal relationship is 'complicated'.

I would be interested in what the Crabby Guys have to say on this one...

click to expand

I know what you mean. My crab doesn't have or want kids and he's a terrible cook. 🙂

So as a female crab with a love/hate relationship with her mother, do you find that it effects your relationships? And yeah, I'd also like to hear what Crabby Guys have to say...

"He's 10 years younger than me, in college with no job.

Lives at home... His mother does not approve of us, but he's a cancer who actually hates his mom. He grew up in a pretty insensitive home, and so he is very logical and sometimes insensitive. I am highly emotional and crave sensitivity.

Lately I feel like all he wants to do is have sex.

It's hard b/c I pay for most everything we do... I end up feeling used."

Too many differences, the sex holds you both into one another, I'm curious as to how long you are going to play mama with this guy.

I'm also curious as to why you took this guy on. He can't offer you anything but sex of course, of course you would feel used if you're doing all the relationship work, he resents his mama too and I'm sure she does the same thing, give give give to her son and his mother is over protective, concerned about his life with an older woman which is none of her business by the way, so he has 2 moms, one he has sex with, the other he lives with, you both pay his way and he most likely resents you both for babying him but loves the fact that all of his needs emotional, physical, mental are being nurtured and met. If you keep playing the mama roll this could turn out good or bad for you, be cautious about how much you are giving to this man or you'll inevitably be in the same position as mama, someone that takes care of him, give him whatever he wants only for him to resent it but love it and can't let go.

I took some excerpts online that may ring true for you.

"The unstable and whimsical side of the Cancer incites him to look for stability and material security."

"But the immense need for security may tire the partner of the Cancer, because it can be very tiring and annoying to spend time to reassure a Cancer partner's feelings."

"When the attachment to the Cancer's man mother is too strong, he can hardly pull it up and can show homosexual tendencies. But as his cosmological element act quite strongly, it is more likely that his sensuality leads him to a woman's bed, whether or not he finds in her the image of his mother."

"Some of them find a woman who is older and more experienced, who will be able to bring to light their potential capabilities. If she supports the Cancer man his response is very high."

Posted by iwin32
I love my mom and she's the most important person in my life.

And do you look for women who possess some of the qualities of your mom?

Cancer men need love. More than the average Joe, I mean. Perhaps even more than the average Josephine. His mother is pretty good at filing that void so when you first meet him be prepared to have to lock horns with her if you want him to yourself. Once you manage to get his attention focused on you, and if you can also manage to get him to fall in love with you and want to make you his forever, he'll finally get his little butt in gear and do the full-on pursuing thing, white horse and all. But you'll still need to tolerate all that neediness (that, or be willing to share him with his mother!)

How is that bullshit? He lives with mom so mom is providing him with a life style he can't afford on his own and the mom can't stand her so yeah she's at a stand off with mama so she's sharing him with mom.

Posted by tiki33

of course you would feel used if you're doing all the relationship work, he resents his mama too and I'm sure she does the same thing, give give give to her son and his mother is over protective, concerned about his life with an older woman which is none of her business by the way, so he has 2 moms, one he has sex with, the other he lives with, you both pay his way and he most likely resents you both for babying him but loves the fact that all of his needs emotional, physical, mental are being nurtured and met.

I think she nailed it!

My brother is also a Cancer and he is a man/child. He only sees women as a means to his own end. Once a female no longer caters to his emotional, physical, mental or nurturing needs or challenges him in anyway, shape or form... he cuts them off

We were once close and he would talk about his fantasy of having a harem of women... each with their own specific role to play. The scariest part is growing up he could get any woman he wanted. Even had an affair with one of my Mom's friends. Drama, drama, drama!!

He has no problem with my Libra mother and his Pisces wife... but we haven't spoken in years

I didn't want to get too personal with his life... But his mom has some addiction issues so his sister basically raised him. It's seems very cancer-esq that I'm a lot like his sister. He comes from near poverty. When I met him he was working full time and in college part time. Now he's focusing on college so he's working maybe 3 days a month... Whatever hours he can get on the weekends. I guess I shouldn't have said he has no job but it's basically true b/c that money pays for his gas for school. Thats where the money issues are frusterating. I will say that he basically supports himself... He is not babied by his mom at all... If anything neglected.

He's actually more mature than guys older than him, I think b/c he had to grow up fast b/c of his situation. I thought he was older when I met him. He is really great with my kid and is always looking out for me by giving me good advice, etc. like I said before... It's just that we're in such different places. I just don't know if I should wait around or not. I like him a lot, but I would rather take things slower to see where he ends up. I would just hate to lose him because we do have a lot of other things in common and when we're not arguing we have a great time.

In response to others, I am def not looking to raise him or be mothering... But I feel that being emotionally supportive is important in any relationship... It's the financial that is getting on my nerves.

Posted by MissAquarious
I didn't want to get too personal with his life... But his mom has some addiction issues so his sister basically raised him. It's seems very cancer-esq that I'm a lot like his sister. He comes from near poverty. When I met him he was working full time and in college part time. Now he's focusing on college so he's working maybe 3 days a month... Whatever hours he can get on the weekends. I guess I shouldn't have said he has no job but it's basically true b/c that money pays for his gas for school. Thats where the money issues are frusterating. I will say that he basically supports himself... He is not babied by his mom at all... If anything neglected.

He's actually more mature than guys older than him, I think b/c he had to grow up fast b/c of his situation. I thought he was older when I met him. He is really great with my kid and is always looking out for me by giving me good advice, etc. like I said before... It's just that we're in such different places. I just don't know if I should wait around or not. I like him a lot, but I would rather take things slower to see where he ends up. I would just hate to lose him because we do have a lot of other things in common and when we're not arguing we have a great time.

In response to others, I am def not looking to raise him or be mothering... But I feel that being emotionally supportive is important in any relationship... It's the financial that is getting on my nerves.

wow! you did leave out a few details didn't you. Sounds like your more into what you can get out of this relationship...

He's trying to do better for himself, basically on his own, and you're pissed because he doesn't have enough cash to kick your way

You sound like a real bitch. Ya, take things slower so you can see "where he ends up".. If it's worth it for you to stick around. Typical Aqua...

Wow! I really don't think I'm being a bitch at all... Just honest. When I say "where he ends up" what I mean is I'm not willing to have a lifetime relationship with someone without a career. This cancer is ready for major commitment now. I'm not greedy, and I don't need a man to take care of me, but I'm not stupid either. If I ever remarry I will want a man with a professional career. I'm a professional myself and I have a child. I want an equal for a life partner.

@shellshocker- that's pretty harsh. I'm just bring realistic.... I'm obviously not using this guy for "what I can get out of the relationship" b/c if as others say I'm just getting sex I can certainly find that somewhere else. I really do like this guy.

Posted by MissAquarious
Wow! I really don't think I'm being a bitch at all... Just honest. When I say "where he ends up" what I mean is I'm not willing to have a lifetime relationship with someone without a career. This cancer is ready for major commitment now. I'm not greedy, and I don't need a man to take care of me, but I'm not stupid either. If I ever remarry I will want a man with a professional career. I'm a professional myself and I have a child. I want an equal for a life partner.

@shellshocker- that's pretty harsh. I'm just bring realistic.... I'm obviously not using this guy for "what I can get out of the relationship" b/c if as others say I'm just getting sex I can certainly find that somewhere else. I really do like this guy.

For what it's worth, even with the new information you provided earlier, I still stand by my original comment. I do believe that you both truly care about each other - but most likely will continue to have a hard time making this relationship work (for at least the next few years) - because you are in such different places in your lives.

I stand by my statement, He's living with mama, she's taking care of him if he's only working 3 days a month and he's using that money for gas then someone is paying for groceries etc, he's a mama's boy or he wouldn't even be there with her. If he's working and putting that money in his car for gas then whose food is he eating? Are you paying for all of his meals and groceries? Whose washing his clothes? Are you washing his clothes? Whose paying the rent and electric and water bills? Are you paying his bills? So you're not paying his bills and if he stays with his mom and she's providing for him then that makes him a mama's boy. If mom is footing the bills, paying electric, paying for gas & water utilities, paying the rent and if his mom is footing all of the bills then she can't be all that neglectful.

The money is frustrating but you don't have to take him out to eat, you don't have to provide for him financially if it's a real huge problem, cut off the mothering behavior and just spend time with him when you can and go out with him when he offers to foot the bill or at least pay his half.

You can be emotionally supportive but you don't have to be financially supportive, he's not your husband, and I'm sure the fighting would stop if you stopped paying for dinners etc, basically paying for everything, probably won't go out as much but you won't feel like you're being taken for granted either and a lot of the arguments about money if there are arguments about money would most likely stop.

If you want to INVEST in him financially in hopes his career will take off after college well that's high risk behavior on your part and it may not work out the way you hope it will unless you get married before he graduates then of course the interest you put into him financially will even itself out.

I'm an Aqua too so I get were you are coming from with this.

Hey Paries, what sign are you?

I know you've been dating a Cancer for under a year, right? Here is a bit of unsolicited advice...

I'm a 1st decan Cancer and I get along best with people who know themselves well... because it is very easy for me to see through them.
How well do you know yourself? Do you spend time reading up on your own sign?

I still surprise myself... so unless you've been with a Crab for awhile, have grown up with many, or really, really know yourself... I'd double think the advice you give out.