Help with cancer female. Really confused

Hey, new user here (Hey everyone!). Sorry if this is really long, I'm trying to
give a bunch of info while still condensing 3 months into one post. Could really
use some advice.

Me and this Cancer girl work together (she started right before summer). and have
been dating each other for a little over 3 months (I'm a Virgo). We hit it off
instantly and moved really fast. REALLY fast. Spent tons of time together, all
over each other, texted every day. She almost always initiated the text messages.
One text conversation we had lasted 14 hours. not a typo, 14 hours. I was totally
fine with all this attention. Never acted weird or distant.

At about the one month point she spent a weekend at her parents (which she does a
lot because they don't live very far away. I work most weekends, she doesn't).
The Friday before that we were great. After seeing a movie she almost didn't want
to let me go. She didn't text me at all that weekend (not a big deal but a little
weird for her). The next time we hung out she was really distant and not very
affectionate.

We took a walk after watching a movie at her place and I knew something was
wrong/different. We talked about it and she said she needed space and couldn't
really date me at the moment. She said it was because when she went to her
parents for the weekend she had a conversation with her mother about me and it
really made her think about the relationship. I said I understood, we broke up, I
walked her home, gave her a hug and left.

So after she broke it off I kind of just moved on. At work I'll admit I was a
little distant/ignored her. I was hurt and didn't want to see her so I could get
over her. (I've since apologized for this kind of behavior and told her I would
never do it to her again. From now on if I had a problem with "us" i'd discuss it
with her. The way I acted was childish. She said it was fine and I didn't have to
feel bad about it).

After about a week of no contact she started texting me again and leaving me
little signs at work that she was still into me. We had a long talk and she told
me that the break up was actually because she still had some issues with her Ex
(they dated for a little less than a year. She broke up with him because she
wanted to date me/he was a "semi" bum/drug addict) to resolve and didn't want me
to get caught up in it. He lives in the same area/city as her parents. (more coming...)

So she starts texting me a bunch again. We decide to give it another shot.
Everything is awesome for about 2 months. Hang out multiple days a week, spend
whole weekends together, both really into each other. basically like it never
ended the first in the first place.

Well 2 weeks ago we're hanging out having a good time at her place and she
suddenly tells me she forgot that she had an online class assignment she needed
to take care of so I say "Thant's cool" and agree to leave. So as I'm leaving I
give her a small kiss goodnight and she really didn't kiss back. I kind of
thought, "Hmm that was a little weird" but didn't think about it much.

We're texting a few days later (Friday) and at some point in the conversation she
tells me the real reason she wanted me to leave the other night was because her
Ex text her and told her he was thinking of killing himself (apparently he's used
this threat before. Also I'm starting to realize she doesn't tell the truth
initially about whats bothering her). I try to talk to her about it/comfort her
and at one point she says "I don't want to talk about this anymore, Ill talk to
you tomorrow". I said "Okay, I'll just talk to you tomorrow."

She spends the weekend at her parents again. I don't hear from her at all. When
we're doing really well she will still texts me when at her parents by the way so
this is starting to become a "Here we go again" kind of sign for me.

I text her on Monday and at some point in the conversation she asks "Can I ask
you something". I said "Of course" and she starts asking me all these
questions/saying things like:

- "Does your mom even know about me" (yes).

- "Well you've never called me your girlfriend" (We've never discussed if we're
at that point and I wouldn't call her that if I didn't know how she felt and
wanted me to call her that (I do really want her to be my "girlfriend"), than I
ask her if she feels like I'm her "boyfriend" she says "I don't know").

- "I feel like you're hiding something from me" (I'm not. Only thing I can think
of that she might be worrying about is that I do hang out with other friends from
work that are girls But she is the only one I want to "be with").

She also tells me she's really busy with school right now (collage. I believe
this 100% , at work she looks like she barely gets any sleep so she can study/do
homework. She's taking 16 credit hours this semester plus working part time and
her workload just became huge).

The next day at work we have a long talk about how she's really busy with school
and it seems like she wants to break it off again. Almost like she's trying to
convince me to break up with her. I even bring this up and she says "Well I
really just don't want you to feel neglected". Plus she says that her Ex saying
he wants to kill himself is adding extra stress (Which I understand).

I tell her that I understand she's busy and stressed out and that her doing well
in school is more important than me. I told her that i'd be willing to try to
make this work if she still wanted to be with me but if she wants to end it I'd
understand and all she has to do is say so. She just says "I don't know, I don't
know". So I tell her to think about it and give her a big hug and leave.

I've read that Cancer's need alone time to deal with stress/things bothering them
so I haven't really bugged her. I did leave a stuffed cat and a card saying i
support her on her doorstep (she loves cats). she text me and said it made her
feel better.

No texts from her for almost 2 weeks. she doesn't avoid me at work but still it
isn't the same. She used to come up to me and press herself up against me and
always wanted me to drive her to work. Before when I asked if she wanted a ride
to work she would say "Only if you want to". I'd say things like "of course I do"
and pick her up the next day (it's on the way and I loved spending the extra time
with her). Now if I ask she says things like "No I have school tomorrow,
remember? I'm going there right after work". That never mattered before but she
also wasn't as busy than so I guess it could be a valid excuse.

Her room mate also just moved out last weekend so shes dealing with that too. she
was really looking forward to living alone so she sees that as a good thing but I
understand that its still a lot of work. she has a lot of stuff to move in from
her parents place.

So we haven't hung out in almost 2 weeks. she hasn't made any initial contact in
almost 2 weeks (and the very few times I've text her its basically a one time
response and than nothing). I only see or talk to her at work. I really like this
girl and want to try to make this work but it seems like shes putting zero effort
into it. I know she's really busy but a quick "Hey I can't really talk but just
wanted to see how you're doing" text every couple of days would be all I'd need
to know she still has interest.

One other thing. Her Ex sounds like a total d!ck. After she broke up with him and
he found out about me they got in a huge fight and he told her things like
"Anyone that's ever with you will either use you or cheat on you." She told me he
was pissed she was dating me right after they broke up.
I've been reading about Cancer woman and their traits online a bit and she sounds
exactly like that. Pretty much all of the descriptions I've read about her sign
fit her to a T.

Also if it helps we have slept together already. First time within 2 weeks of
dating.

I've read that Cancer's can disappear and retreat into their "shell" when they're
stressed or want to step back and evaluate a situation.
We haven't officially "broke up" yet but it's starting to seem, to me anyway,
like we might as well have.

Could she be testing me to see if I'll stick around this time? Does this involve
her Ex in some way?

Should I totally cut off all contact again but still be cordial to her at work
(I'll never totally ignore her again but i also really don't want to be "friend
Zoned")?

Should I continue down the road I'm currently taking were I talk to her at work a
lot/show her I'm here for her (Leaving gifts on her doorstep) and when she's
worked through this stuff I'll be here?

Or should I just actually let her go and find someone else.
It's only been 3 months so if I had to I could let her go but It would hurt a
bit. I do really care for her and want to try to make this work because I think
shes really awesome and I'm really attracted to her but I need to know if I
should just move on.

I swear I would give almost anything to know what she's actually thinking and
whats really going on in her head (about "us").
Any advice would be great.

Thanks

I do agree that Cancers do tend to retreat to their shells when they're stressed. You have to figure out if you're willing to put up with that. Personally, the fact that she lied about the school assignment, would really bother me. It seems like her ex is still very much apart of her life, which is why she broke it off and lied to you. I would remain cordial and date others.

Yes we go into our shells when upset or stressed. As for the lying: not cool! I would tell her from a friend point of view that her ex is emotionally and verbally abusive to her, that he's manipulating her with threats of suicide (it's all bs and he probably won't follow through with it). She needs to go no contact with the ex if she wants to be mentally healthy. Shame on her parents if they are encouraging her to have contact with that dickwad! As for you and her: that's for you to decide on how much of this you want to take on and if she's worth it.

I'm a cancerian and the problem she has is that she doesn't want to hurt anybody, so that's why you are getting the silly lies, we don't like to upset anybody we don't like being disliked, and we find it hard to break away from ex's even if they were bad to us, we feel that because they were in our life once and did mean something we can't just block them out, unless they cheated, but even then we just block them out and retreat into our shell until we are ready to face the world again, then we are likely to forgive them.
I do think her ex is playing a big part in this, and she's unsure of her feelings, and also unsure of yours, she will know you like her though, but in the case of her family, she wants you to prove you are willing to fight for her no matter what, we love all the fairy tales, and unfortunately have been disillusioned by disney!
You need to tell her you are there for her but back off a bit, if she really feels anything for you, she will be in contact when she is ready.

idk but supporting someone through their hardships with an EX... seems counter productive.

You can be understanding. Meaning, "I think your ex is manipulating you and you seem confused about your feelings. I understand I need to back away from you until you figure it out."

Don't be the "nice" supportive guy who leaves himself open to get hurt by an emotionally unsure female. She seems like she has a lot on her plate. Keep boundaries and don't fall for tears.

Posted by MoonArtist
Yes we go into our shells when upset or stressed. As for the lying: not cool! I would tell her from a friend point of view that her ex is emotionally and verbally abusive to her, that he's manipulating her with threats of suicide (it's all bs and he probably won't follow through with it). She needs to go no contact with the ex if she wants to be mentally healthy. Shame on her parents if they are encouraging her to have contact with that dickwad! As for you and her: that's for you to decide on how much of this you want to take on and if she's worth it.

chicka boom

Oh yeah I didn't mean let her think she can come running when she wants, just tell her I will always be your friend but the timing isn't right for us at the minute, that way she knows you are both free to go off and go what you want.

Hey thanks everyone for actually reading through that wall of text and for the advice. I really appreciate it. I do really believe that her Ex is playing a huge part in this. Both times now that she's gone silent on me was right after some kind of contact from him so it was pretty obvious.

I've wanted to confront her with it but didn't want to make her think I'm accusing her of cheating on me. I don't think she is because she really isn't acting weird towards me when I do see her (at work). Way less affectionate but not like I would think someone would act if they were cheating. As an example the other day, after I apologized for being so distant after the first break up she asked me if I wanted to sit with her while she did her homework. I did and I sat with her while she read her assignment. Than again I could just be kidding myself, I have no idea and no proof either way.

I'm thinking I'll pull her aside tomorrow and tell her that I think there is something else going on with her besides just being busy at school. Because to me if you haven't made any effort to contact someone in two weeks it's a pretty big sign that you've lost interest.

I'll tell her that I fully intend to keep my promise to her and not act distant or ignore her when I do see her and that I'll always be there for her if she needs me.

I'll let her know that I was more than willing to fight for her (us) if she showed any indication that she wanted me to but that to me no contact after 2 weeks is showing me she doesn't and I need to just let her go and move on.

And than give her a chance to say whatever it is she wants to say if she wants to talk about the situation.

Thanks again everyone
keep the advice coming!

She will come running when she realises what a mistake she made, but go ahead and live your life and meet someone more deserving off your time! Good luck!

+1 on all of y'all's responses!

To add, by her asking how you really feel about her is her way of figuring out who she should end up with. She's probably wondering if what you and her have is real or if you have what it takes to love her the way she wants to be loved, and lasting love. She needs more reassurance. Something tells me that she was seeing you and the ex at the same time. By her being at her parents house, her parents probably figured out that she was talking to 2 guys at the same time. So her parents probably intervened an told her it was wrong to cheat or see more than one guy at one time. Also, most of the time, parents barely know about the negative things going on in a relationship, most of the time the child and the bf/gf will hide the truth and be on their best behavior in front on the parents. And if this is true, then the parents may not have even known about the breakup or they may stick up for the ex for the simple fact that they're familiar with ex and unfamiliar with you. She lies because she doesn't want to hurt anyone and she is trying to please everyone at the same time (preventing the ex from suicide, holding up the good girl image to her parents, and pursuing the love she really wants-you). From the looks of it, the ex is around because of comfort and a backup if things fall through with you. To a certain extent she feels responsible for him, but there are some lingering feelings of comfort-not love! If she loved him, you wouldn't be in the picture. But she is probably at the stage of realizing the ex has to go for good for anything real to happen with y'all. She doesn't want to talk about the ex because she is stressed out, the ex is not important to talk about because she has no feelings for him and constant conversations about him is moot, and she's overstimulated. Her life is crumbling and she needs to hold it together before she sinks so she prioritizes stressful matters. Because she needs time to think and feel it out, you go on the back burner again. When you pull away, she comes back (and is the aggressor). This means that she is HIGHLY in like or love with you. She wants you and wants y'all's relationship to mean something more and she needs to come out of the closet with the news of y'all being official and to do this, she realizes that she needs to permanently kick the ex to the curb and warm her parents up to the idea of you two as an item. She's also busy with other things that need her immediate attention. S

She's laying the foundation for a future with you while getting her head straight.

As far as what you should do, give her some time but not that much time. I think you've been very vigilant, tender and patient. She needs a reminder and some shock treatment. She needs an ultimatum. You shouldn't have to deal with an ex, especially so close in drama. Tell her it's either you or him and her parents. Tell her exactly what you want from her and how you feel about her. Something tells me that she will quickly cut the ex and ask more of you, you will probably see her like you've never seen her before.

Posted by CluelessCancer

Posted by MoonArtist
Yes we go into our shells when upset or stressed. As for the lying: not cool! I would tell her from a friend point of view that her ex is emotionally and verbally abusive to her, that he's manipulating her with threats of suicide (it's all bs and he probably won't follow through with it). She needs to go no contact with the ex if she wants to be mentally healthy. Shame on her parents if they are encouraging her to have contact with that dickwad! As for you and her: that's for you to decide on how much of this you want to take on and if she's worth it.

He's not her psychiatrist. He has no responsibility for her mental health regarding her EX or her PARENTs.

if you're not of a sound mind, you shouldn't be dating multiple people at the same time.

click to expand

No, he's not her psychiatrist, but he does care. For that alone, he should give her the heads up. It's possible she doesn't really see what's going on as abuse. Give her the info she needs and then let her make up her mind on the matter. My ex tried the suicide threat. Didn't work on me because I hate being manipulated like that.

Thanks StarMooney. What you said is actually really comforting. I hope that's whats going on.

If what you said does turn out to be the situation how would you suggest I handle it? I know you said to give her an "It's either him or me" ultimatum and even though I HIGHLY believe he is a major cause of the problem I have no proof of anything.

And even though I will admit that she very well could be seeing him and me at the same time I have already told her that if any girl I was with ever cheated on me I would NEVER speak to them again (it's the one thing I don't tolerate and I would never forgive someone for that under any circumstance. I honestly don't see how anyone could but that's just me). I would think if she was seeing both of us and did really want to be with me after that she would have ended it with him than.

Would you suggest I still go through with breaking up with her tomorrow? You did say to give her time but not give her TOO much time. Well it's been 2 weeks already, what do you think would be too much time before she thinks I've just given up? I definitely don't want to jump the gun ending it if that isn't the best course of action.

Thanks again for everyone giving advice

Posted by STC32785527
Hey thanks everyone for actually reading through that wall of text and for the advice. I really appreciate it. I do really believe that her Ex is playing a huge part in this. Both times now that she's gone silent on me was right after some kind of contact from him so it was pretty obvious.

I've wanted to confront her with it but didn't want to make her think I'm accusing her of cheating on me. I don't think she is because she really isn't acting weird towards me when I do see her (at work). Way less affectionate but not like I would think someone would act if they were cheating. As an example the other day, after I apologized for being so distant after the first break up she asked me if I wanted to sit with her while she did her homework. I did and I sat with her while she read her assignment. Than again I could just be kidding myself, I have no idea and no proof either way.

I'm thinking I'll pull her aside tomorrow and tell her that I think there is something else going on with her besides just being busy at school. Because to me if you haven't made any effort to contact someone in two weeks it's a pretty big sign that you've lost interest.

I'll tell her that I fully intend to keep my promise to her and not act distant or ignore her when I do see her and that I'll always be there for her if she needs me.

I'll let her know that I was more than willing to fight for her (us) if she showed any indication that she wanted me to but that to me no contact after 2 weeks is showing me she doesn't and I need to just let her go and move on.

And than give her a chance to say whatever it is she wants to say if she wants to talk about the situation.

Thanks again everyone
keep the advice coming!

You have a right to question her relationship with the ex.
You even have a right to give an ultimatum. Him or You!

Personally, I don't keep in contact with exes.
Nor do I wish to, if one reaches out to me I am polite yet distant and most likely will not follow through with them.
I am very protective of my romantic relationships, this includes old lovers coming back to sabotage my new romance.

Posted by STC32785527
Thanks StarMooney. What you said is actually really comforting. I hope that's whats going on.

If what you said does turn out to be the situation how would you suggest I handle it? I know you said to give her an "It's either him or me" ultimatum and even though I HIGHLY believe he is a major cause of the problem I have no proof of anything.

And even though I will admit that she very well could be seeing him and me at the same time I have already told her that if any girl I was with ever cheated on me I would NEVER speak to them again (it's the one thing I don't tolerate and I would never forgive someone for that under any circumstance. I honestly don't see how anyone could but that's just me). I would think if she was seeing both of us and did really want to be with me after that she would have ended it with him than.

Would you suggest I still go through with breaking up with her tomorrow? You did say to give her time but not give her TOO much time. Well it's been 2 weeks already, what do you think would be too much time before she thinks I've just given up? I definitely don't want to jump the gun ending it if that isn't the best course of action.

Thanks again for everyone giving advice

Do you love her?

LunarMaiden - I do love her to death but I am not "In love" with her yet. I do see her as someone with the potential though. I could easily see myself being in love with her eventually if the relationship continued.

CluelessCancer - I absolutely am going to have, at the very least, a talk with her about it tomorrow. I'm still leaning toward just breaking it off and moving on. Last time it was over and I went no contact she came back so that's what I'm most likely going to do. If she did come back fairly quickly I would probably give her another chance but I'm definitely not going to wait around for her.

Thanks again

Sometimes cancers' shells shields them from any vision of what's beyond the shell...or who's beyond the shell...who's beyond the shell and what are they feeling. This is a very bad trait to have and it causes people on the receiving end to feel abandoned, neglected or alienated...just worthless. So sometimes, what your deepest deal breakers are don't matter to the cancer because they can't see or feel anyone else but the sole one that's in the shell. It's actually a weird cancer twist. They are so intuitive and great at loving and caring and all of those fuzzy things when everything is good but when they are in the shell, they can be either their evil opposites or very emotionless. They literally have NO self awareness. They can't see or don't understand when they have hurt others, offended someone or something like that. And this isn't because they are intentionally being mean, it's just that their feelings in that shell are so intense and so energetic that it's light blinds the cancer to the rest of the world. You just have to wait until the light settles and she can have the vision to see what's in your head and heart, as she normally does. And the funny thing is...she'll turn around and get upset with you if you do something hurtful to her (to spite her). Like how could she possibly have no idea why you have a good reason to be nasty towards her? Confusing right? Kind of a flagrant foul right? But this just proves to you that she literally couldn't see that what she did or didn't do to you hurt you or was an absolute deal breaker because she was literally blinded by the emotional chaos in her own watery tornado (and if she has air or fire in her moon or rising add some wind and spewing magma to that shit storm). She may have not even known that cheating was a deadly act in your book or she may not understand that what you consider as cheating or disloyalty is very different from what she may consider cheating or disloyalty. She may just be hanging out with guy with absolutely no sex or feelings involved but you may see that as cheating or disloyalty. So what you have to do is to demand her attention and pull her out of her shell by telling her EXACTLY how you feel and EXACTLY what you expect and want from her. Ask her to decide between the ex and you. Do not allow the ex the roam around in the picture, causing distractions. 2 weeks is enough time. And its not such a simple thing to rid yourself of an ex. We all go through several mental phases when div

And its not such a simple thing to rid yourself of an ex. We all go through several mental phases when divorcing oneself from the ex. ALL of us do. Some just express these phases with different behaviors (some keep flirting with the idea of the breakup until they are ready to make the actual leap to no contact, some cut the person off but then mentally suffer until their brains will actually allow them to make the actual leap to broken up, some just spin out of control into a series of very bad relationship decisions until they are so distracted that they have somehow forgotten about the ex and therefore made the unconscious leap to actually broken up, there's such a variety of processes people go through). This process can cause others to get mixed messages. If she really likes me then why does she keep dealing with him (even it's only once a month)? Because that's part of her healing process, that's part of her getting the right amount of closure that is right for her. What it may have NOTHING to with, is her actual romantic feelings she still has for the ex. And all through this process, she could still be very much in love with you, with that burning cancer passion. She may not reach out to you because she is ashamed of her behavior, is fearful that you will reject her, doesn't like confrontation when she's in the wrong or hiding from the major mess she caused, hoping that time will fix the situation and it will somehow naturally fall into place or with time you would just somehow forget what the problem was and she can poof and appear from nowhere and act like nothing ever happened and she can still have a good chance of making you hers. (Along with the reasons I posted before)

Wow! I must say im completely impressed with the responses on this thread. Having been in a similar situation, i just wish I had received these responses before. Excellent work cluelesscancer and starmooney - your words are truly encouraging.

I agree everyone has been really great about this.

Starry22 - I'm curious, you said you've been in a similar situation before. What did you do about the situation and how did it turn out?

Hey STC - it drove me insane for several months.
Now when i think back, i believe i should have walked out ages ago. Everyone kept telling me that i was giving him way too much "benefit of the doubt" but you know - sometimes your totally blinded and think that you can "handle" it!
Well, the drama just worsened and i had to think about "me".
Its for you to decide how to go about it now, cluelesscancer and starmooney have provided such an amazing insight into a persons psyche - i just wish i had been as clear as you on this forum.
It hurts to walk away - my confrontation was met with the silent treatment - but trust me its even worse to hear the lies and still care - i understand you - been there... done that 😢

😢 these topics suck ass, complicated loves are the pits.

Xmoonman, maybe you're right. I just think that 2 weeks is a good boundary to give someone whose organizing their life choices and responsibilities. If she's still confused after 2 weeks, or hasn't cleared her head, or itsnt ready to talk, then something is Utterly (cap U) wrong. You guys are technically still in a relationship right? For a cancer to go MIA on you for 2 weeks while in a committed relationship is very unnatural for a cancer. Anymore space and I'll start assuming you guys aren't a couple anymore. And if a cancer woman is in a relationship with you and avoids you for over 2 weeks, she has either moved on, is stuck on auto pilot mode, too chicken to make her move, or she is burned out from the stress of life and is starting to go insane (haaha). Not only that, but with each day you are not with her or communicating with her, you leave more distance between you and more chances of the ex being able to swoop in and catch her a vulnerable state, while she's still confused. Cancer women make bad relationship decisions when they are confused or in the middle of a complicated situation like this one. They act from feeling and not logic (so they will be more impulsive and seemingly all over te place; nothing will make any type of sense from the outside looking in). So you have to stop them from running away from having to make a decision by sitting them down and asking them straight up. So by you forcing her to decide between you are the ex, emotions will arise, but emotions for BOTH you and the ex. She will be feeling 2 types of emotion at the same time-this will only force her to use logic because an emotional approach will not help her solve the answer to your question and she will realize this. And don't let her run away or tell you she doesn't want to talk about it. Give an ultimatum. Give her a time period (maybe 24-48 hrs) to decide. If you keep allowing her space, she may just have both of you in her life (you as the lover and him as the codependent...it's complicated friend. And she'll be ok with that and forever go through loops to keep the both of y'all happy at the same time.

Well I've decided I'm going to just sit her down tomorrow and say something along the lines of, "Hey you haven't made one attempt to contact me in two weeks, I know there is something going on other than you just being busy at school".

If she refuses to talk about what's really going on I'm just going to end it and move on.

If I can actually get her to admit what it is that's causing her to not want to contact me for two weeks than maybe we can work through it.

I've decided for this to have any chance to move forward than she has to talk to me about what's really bothering her.

And to Starmooney, we are technically still in a relationship I guess only because neither of us has officially broken up with the other but like I said after two weeks of no contact it's starting to feel like we're basically broken up.

Xmoonman - I most likely won't give her an ultimatum simply because I've heard giving any woman (maybe any man too? No idea) an ultimatum could very easily lead to disaster.

If she doesn't want to discuss or work through whatever it is (Ex boyfriend or whatever) than I'm probably just going to tell her I'll always be there for her if she needs me but I have to move on and find someone that is willing to show me she wants to be with me.

Also xmoonman - when you say to pull back and disengage her and allow her time to sort her stuff out (for a year or more) I'm assuming you're saying to break it off with her and move on.

Because I couldn't possibly "stay with her" with no contact hoping she'll come around for a year or more.

Xmoonman, pull back and even allow her up to a year to sort herself out...when they still haven't broken up or even had a conversation about what is going on with her. I'd think this would be good to say for a cancer that you're not committed to but for one you're actually in a committed relationship with? Idk about that one.

STC, I think you should say something like (if it's true for you): cancer lady, I love you and I want to build a beautiful relationship with you and I am really hurt when your ex causes voids in out relationship. I want you but I will not involve myself in a love triangle or a complicated situation. I know there's an underlying reason the ex is still in the picture and I also need you to tell me why so. Do you want to continue this relationship with me (and cut your ex off) or should we break up and give each other space to sort our hearts and minds out. I'll understand either way and I know you have a lot of intense decisions to make and life stresses but I need something to work with. Never feel like you have to hide yourself from me I want to work this out with you.

Beautiful - and yes STC being a woman i agree with not giving a woman an ultimatum. But walking away without expressing yourself would be keeping yourself open to unknown pains. Express your views and give her time to think, but not too much time - maybe a day or so. If she doesnt respond, respect yourself enough to move on. You seem to be an amazing person who is willing to stand by her but you need someone who appreciates and values you to give you freely of themselves and their time, rather than having to beg for it. All the best for tomorrow - you will do the right thing! 🙂

StarMooney - If I can get her to admit that her Ex is causing problems with us than I will absolutely say something along those lines ("Hey I really want this to be a real thing but your Ex is ruining what we have. I want this to work but can't deal with you doubting our relationship whenever he texts you.")

What xmoonman said is also true though. I really don't want to add extra stress on this girl. She does have a lot going on so I probably wouldn't word it as an ultimatum so much. But I'd still let her know, in a subtle way that it's either him or me.

My plan is if I can get her to admit to me what's bothering her (Ex boyfriend or whatever it is) I will see if we can work through it. If she won't talk to me about what the problem is than there's really nothing I can do and I'll just tell her I'll miss her and I'll always be there for her, break it off and move on.

Xmoonman - gotcha. I just misunderstood your other post. I thought you where saying I would most likely have to continue a no contact situation with her for a year or more. My mistake.

I wouldn't mind the need for her to have quite time at all. It's just the whole "most amazing girlfriend ever" to INSTANTLY "gone for weeks" thing that drives me nuts.

I would even put up with THAT if I knew she would for sure come back but no one can know that.

I just don't want to be in a situation where, a year from now, after her disappearing and coming back over and over and me sticking through that she suddenly disappears and never comes back.

Oh ok, I see where you're coming from. (I thought it was already established that the ex is causing her problems) But go with what's on your heart. And scratch the ultimatum part if you feel necessary. But this is in fact your woman so I feel like, as her man, you have the right to demand a certain level of dignity and respect and get the communication you need from her. I know she has a lot going on but that doesn't relieve her of her commitments to you (you know what I mean?). There will always be tough times and hard spots in life but if you can't get through her barrier (and haven't heard from her in two weeks or more) while still in a committed relationship is a little bit of a stretch. When I think of how much space to give someone I think of the situation and it's details. You have been very good about giving her space and allowed her to juggle the two of you for too long, without pressuring her much. She claims you then doesn't then claims you again then doesn't...this looks like a pattern (and not induced by general stress accumulated from work, school, or housing). In committed relationships, the ex should not be a reoccurring problem or this pattern shouldn't exist. I think it's totally ok for her to have basic interactions with him, but nothing that crosses the boundaries (unless she and the ex share a house or a child or something and even here boundaries should be established).And by boundaries, one example is having him threatening to kill himself (if he's doing this silly shit with her, he feels it's ok to cross her boundaries and doesn't respect her-in other words, she needs better boundaries with him). And if you want to keep giving her space and time, I think you should at least tell her how you feel. To sit back and wait to hear from your gf that is having ex issues and has withdrawn from you for 2 weeks while you may be hurt or starving for answers is torture and I think 2 weeks is enough time (at least enough time for you to speak to her about your feelings without reaching a solution).

Posted by STC32785527
I wouldn't mind the need for her to have quite time at all. It's just the whole "most amazing girlfriend ever" to INSTANTLY "gone for weeks" thing that drives me nuts.

I FEEL UP COMPLETELY!!!! In my case the most amazing friend i have ever had in mu life and she completly banished :-/ feel so bad...

Xmoonman - beautifully said.

Starmooney - yeah I have no proof it's her Ex is causing the problems even though I highly suspect it is. But everything you just said I agree with.

After a 3 month relationship I feel I deserve an explanation why she would just vanish for 2 weeks. So I'm going to try to get her tell me what that issue is or I'm going to break it off and move on.

Also xmoonman - I really like your "suggestion" on what to say. I might have to use that.

Posted by xMoonMan

Posted by StarMooney
She's laying the foundation for a future with you while getting her head straight.

As far as what you should do, give her some time but not that much time. I think you've been very vigilant, tender and patient. She needs a reminder and some shock treatment. She needs an ultimatum. You shouldn't have to deal with an ex, especially so close in drama. Tell her it's either you or him and her parents. Tell her exactly what you want from her and how you feel about her. Something tells me that she will quickly cut the ex and ask more of you, you will probably see her like you've never seen her before.

err, no
I disagree with this entirely.

I think STC should disengage, friendzone her and let her sort herself out.
This girl has way too much going on and she is in the wrong state of mind for any kind of romantic relationship.
Investing your heart in a serious relationship with this Crab at this point in time is the wrong thing to do.

click to expand

I completely agree with this.

Hey Just an update. I talked to her today and ended up braking it off with her.

I brought up the fact that she hasn't made any attempt to contact me in two weeks. She said that it really was because she was just that busy with school right now. I said that I didn't understand how someone could be so busy that they don't send a single text in 2 weeks and she said, "I literally have NO time. I really am that busy."

I explained how I thought her Ex was causing a problem with our relationship and she said that it did cause her extra stress but assured me that the only reason she hasn't spoken to me outside of work is because of school.

She claims she hasn't really spoken to him since his "I'm going to kill myself" text.

I really do believe her about her Ex. I might be fooling myself but at the moment I do believe her. I told her I thought that he was manipulating her with these head games and she agreed and said she was sure he wouldn't do anything stupid. It's really hard to tell if it's her Ex or just her school because both problems happened at almost the same time. Her Ex sent that text on a Friday and than the next Monday she got bombarded with school work.

I also told her that I may not have ever called her my girlfriend but I did think of her as my girlfriend and that what we had was never just a fling for me but that I actually saw it as the start of a long term relationship. When I said that she just kind of looked at the ground and smiled, saying "I never knew that."

We talked about a few other issues like how she felt that she just really can't be a good girlfriend right now because she is DETERMINED to finish school as soon as possible so she can get a real job. So I told her that I would just let her go and back off for now. And that we could maybe try again when she has more time.

We agreed that was the best thing to do and than hugged (she hugged me really tight), and than ended the conversation.

I spoke with her a few times during the day (one time lasting an hour) and the conversation was always happy and I made her laugh a bunch. There was no "weirdness" at all.

Also I waited to walk out with her after I clocked out and she had a big smile on her face while approaching me. I think she figured I had just left.

So anyway that's a quick-ish recap of what happened. Any thoughts?

Thanks again for everything!

Genuine, sincere and forthcoming. You've taken the pressure off the both of you, now you can relax and continue your friendship while she focuses on school and you do your thing. Just don't flaunt other girls in her face.. that would kill any future between you.

I'm happy it turned out like that and I hope you're feeling good about it too. 🙂

shellshocker - I do. She said she really doesn't want to be in a situation where there would be other things that would tempt her away from her studies, like a boyfriend.

She also told me she apparently had an issue with the fact that she had shared certain aspects of her life with me (like me knowing her room mate, taking me to events at her school, introducing me to a teacher of hers that she's really close to) and I haven't really done the same like introduced her to any of my friends/parents.

I told her I was sorry about that but I think that I got caught up in just spending time with just her and that those things were coming.

Are you sure you are a Virgo? I can't read this. I can only read till half of page 2. I have only one question for OP. Why are you doing this to yourself? You exercise patience so that you can be number two to someone who obviously not available emotionally. She has her excuse, what is your excuse?

Sure, at first you are into her, but then she confess that she tells you lies again and again and yet you still want her. WOW! Really?

This is not the case of a cancer goes into their shell. This is a case of a cancer who prefer her ex because he is familiar to her (less work) and you're not. You're disposable and you proof to be recyclable too. Sorry! Get yourself out of this toxic...now please...quickly before the toxic stuck with you. This girl seems to be hard to get rid of later.

VirgoDragirl - I have gotten out of it. I broke up with her today. I am beginning to move on and will start to date other people once I'm over her (I don't want to "rebound" on anyone. I would never do that to another person).

Yes I'm sure I'm a Virgo (September 8th).

I (was) doing this to myself because I really care for this girl and wanted a future with her. Sorry, she's intoxicating. Beautiful and awesome in almost every way. I literally love her eyes, personality and everything someone else might find as a "fault" in her I think is adorable.

I'm usually overly critical of people's LITTLE "faults" internally (when it come to someone I would date/be with) but every once in a while I meet someone who is so "my type" in every other way that their "faults" just disappear. She is one of those people.

I put "faults" in quotations because I realize that I'm overly critical some times and what I might see as a fault in someone (usually physical) might not actually be a fault to anyone else and it's just me being overly critical and that that's on me and not the other person.

But anyway, I have begun to move on and it's up to her to "win me back" I guess.

hahah clueless cancer and her really not liking people giving out free therapy! love it. Sometimes people just like to fell relevant and needed. I fell ya man I literally am going through the exact same thing with a cancer chic! here is what i posted

Scorpio here!

Ok so this cancer chic and I started talking on social media and then I asked for her number and she and I started texting/using voice text. At first it was great, we would flirt, talk literally ALL day, even keep each other informed when we weren't going to be able to respond for a while. (like brb taking a shower).. I know its pathetic but I loved it.

Anyways, so we would flirt. talk all day and it was great and THEN... she started dropping hints that she wasn't over her ex and started making comments like " I wouldnt start something new until Im over my ex"..so naturally I was a bit confused. All the sudden we are flirting and now you're dropping the ball on me that you're still hung up on your ex?

So what did I do? Being the blunt scorpio I am, I asked her why she even gave me her number in the first place and she said "Well honestly I didn't realize you were hitting on me... but i thought you were cute so ya."

So she gave me her number, we flirt for a while and she tells me she is not over her ex.

SO.. I told her that I want to respect her time to heal and that we should just be friends because I dont want to get involve with her intimately if she is not over her ex (cus then I would just get hurt) she said she understood.

So we went on texting as just friends..She actually opened up to me a LOT. and I guess this is something cancers don't do? She told me her insecurities, her fears, her desires.. a lot of private things (which made me like her more).
She really opened up to me and me being a psychology major and Scorpio I LOVED that. I loved that she came to me for comfort and reassurance. She would literally send me pictures of her smudged makeup from crying over her ex and it just made me wanna hug her and tell her everything would be ok. So this was all BEFORE we met in person (remember we linked up on IG) the she makes a trip to SD with her friends and I meet up with her.

Long story short that day was a treetrunking BUST! she had a panic attack (which she warned me might happen if she is away from home ) and knowing this I tried to comfort her but she pushed me away and then insisted she leave and go home:/ so they all left.

She texted me when she got

She texted me when she got home saying "hey just got home about to sleep blah blah".. then the next day she sent me a long paragraph saying how that day was all bad and her anxiety was just way out of control (which brought me reassurance because I thought she left cus she was over it

I'm experiencing the same with my cancer woman of 7 months. 3 days before Christmas she tells me she needs time. A little background, He has 2 children with an ex that she's been divorced from for 1 year, I was her first since they separated 3 years prior. We had a good relationship, everything happening naturally, good communication, etc. She had a job that she wasn't making a decent wage in that had its issues. She is working a PT job to help meet expenses, she has to drive her son to swimming practice most nights of the week and the daughter to cheerleading the others. She gets Child support from the EX but little else. the children cant stand to be around him. In the 7 months we've dated, I haven't been introduced to her children yet or her parents. Her mom had asked when she was going to meet me and I'm sure the kids have too. She just landed a new job where she'll be earning much more money and will be able to quit the PT job. She did invite me to her place on christmas day for a couple of hours. She had a present for me and although we held hands and kissed the passion wasn't there. Her reasons for needing time are: Concentrating 100% on the new job and getting her finances caught up and in order along with having some time to herself. I've told her in an email that I understand her situation and would like us to be together but that the only way that would happen is if I limited communication, trusted in her and give her time to sort things out. She has told me she doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone else just me. My question is this, Is this something thats normal? Is not meeting her children or family and friends after 7 months normal? Does she have an interest in someone else? Should I let her go and move on or is there still hope? I've heard both sides but I'm just looking or some solid answers.