How to move forward with a crab

Signed Up: Sep 21, 2015
Comments: 0 · Posts: 51 · Topics: 5

Thank you for the response. I've been seeing him for 7 months. I just hate to waste time if it won't get me what I want-which is a real relationship. Should I just sit him down and spell this out? Tell him that I don't date just to hang out, that someday I want marriage, and if he's not on board....then on to the next one that does. ? Ahh so confused. I am a very straight forward person. I don't like to be left guessing.

Anyone will tell you that if you have to question where you stand in any relationship, then it's not a relationship. I can see this being true, but I feel like ALL dating 'rules' are thrown out the window when dealing with cancers. Like for example-you should never call to hang out and always wait for the man to initiate mostly everything, but with any cancer man I have encountered, I'd be waiting till I was dead. It's just really frusterating

Seriously, the dating rules work on any other man. I've tried it. The acting aloof, not initiating anything, doing my own thing and seeming too busy to fit him In. Can anyone agree that this is rubbish when dealing with these crabs? Lol this is exhausting but I have invested so much and I'm not ready to let go.

Signed Up: Sep 21, 2015
Comments: 0 · Posts: 51 · Topics: 5

Ehh might I add, I'm dealing with an older man who has more baggage than the samsonite luggage company. Hurt really bad from a past divorce. Very very bitter. Not the average shy cancer guy at all. Has major trust issues but my god, behind all of that, we get along so well. It's like it was meant to be lol. It's creepy how we connect sometimes. That's why I continue with this madness. I really feel like I will never meet someone again that I get along with this well and gets my wicked sense of humor.

M143

@M143

12 Years1,000+ Posts

Signed Up: Aug 22, 2013
Comments: 2 · Posts: 2497 · Topics: 2

hahaha lioness1288,

Yes those dating tips are not for this kind of men. The male crabs are more on emotion. They need someone who is very attached to emotion. They forget the rational thinking.
Those words of * please don't leave me* , Baby you are special*, *Honey you are my soulmate*, *I wanted to work out this relationship* - Again, these are all words and no action.

and yes those words above.. yeah my man says all of that. And sometimes I am tired dealing of it.😆

Signed Up: Sep 21, 2015
Comments: 0 · Posts: 51 · Topics: 5

Lol oh I know I'm not alone with this. I keep reading these message boards and it's crazy how everyone has the same story lol.

I think the only way to get through to these men is play 'mommy' with them-butter them up to to the extreme (I have to realllly swallow my pride with this) and then leave them. Sounds cruel, but I feel like it's the only way to get what you want.

Someone told me once "stop caring and it will get you what you want" this is so true but with these crabs, I feel like you have to really make an impact on their lives before they realize how good they have it-otherwise they will just find a replacement. Sooo I'm just gonna make myself irreplaceable. Haha.

I'm not one to come on strong, unless I know for sure where I stand with a man. So this is so hard. I'm just being very bold and persistent because I know the next woman he encounters will not be like
This. It's in our nature to wait to be pursued as women. I'm sure some will say "if he wanted you he will let you know" but NOT when you are dealing with 'samsonite' lol. Earning the trust of a crab that has been cheated on and lied to by multiple women is like trying to walk through the gates of Area 51.

Signed Up: Sep 21, 2015
Comments: 0 · Posts: 51 · Topics: 5

I show him over words, in my opinion. I used words as last resort to get my feelings across.

I go out of my way to make sure his life is better. I help him clean, I bring him plates of food so he can have that one night to look forward to not coming home after work and cooking, I came to his rescue when he hurt his knee and couldn't walk-I took care of him, I will rub his back when he's having a bad day, I remember his favorite songs and I have played it for him on my guitar and sang, I brought him something from my vacation that I knew he would really like (not as bribery but I just knew he would really like it) I listen to his hour rants of how his life is messed up and I don't criticize or judge-I offer him support and encouragement and assure him he's done the best he can and remind him how much his kids love him (despite the fact he claims they don't bc of his divorce)...I could go on.

I am like this mans personal cheerleader. I really put myself out there and I never expect any of it in return-which is why I think he's slowlyyyy coming around. He sees that.

I don't ask him for anything, yet I always let him know I am right here if he needs anything at all. I'm trying to show this man that not all women will suck the life out of him and in being myself-genuine.

This is a Leo's nature to be caring and we do this with no expectations. This is why we get burned a lot too. But no matter who it is or what the situation, I feel like it's my job to make others happy-it's the only way. I don't go this far for just anyone though, but when I love someone, I want their life To be better than it was before me.

When it doesn't Work out, I find comfort in just knowing I was my genuine self and being a good person and it's their loss. Don't get me wrong, I can also retaliate, but only if I have proof that I was being taken advantage of. But sometimes, you can't get people to 'move' and they are too blinded by something else to really see what was in front of them all along. That's not really their fault, and I feel like this is what is happening here.

crabbykaycee

@crabbykaycee

Signed Up: Aug 24, 2015
Comments: 0 · Posts: 44 · Topics: 10

The more impatient you are the more he will retreat into his shell. It takes awhile for cancers to build trust, especially if trust is broken in past relationships. It shouldn't be put on you but if you really want this man you have to show him you're patient and that you really do want him. To us, actions speak louder than words. Most cancers are romantics so if you show him you have a romantic side and do cute little things to make him know you're always thinking of him he will more likely come out of his shell. I assume you're a leo, don't let your pride get in the way. We do also like our space though so if you see that these actions are making him moody then back off a bit. We are a pretty complex sign, cannot even understand ourselves at times.

crabbykaycee

@crabbykaycee

Signed Up: Aug 24, 2015
Comments: 0 · Posts: 44 · Topics: 10

Also, my aquarius man was too slow in progression so I understand the frustration you're feeling, we have been on and off for months and just about 2 months ago actually started dating. It was really worth the wait because he's so different and trusting now. Can totally be himself around me and I feel the same. We aren't supposed to be a good match but we are, barely argue and are on the same level about a lot. Any relationship can work if both parties decide to work with each other.

LadyNeptune

@LadyNeptune

10 Years25,000+ Posts

Signed Up: Oct 21, 2015
Comments: 11076 · Posts: 35718 · Topics: 110

Posted by lioness1288
Thank you for the response. I've been seeing him for 7 months. I just hate to waste time if it won't get me what I want-which is a real relationship. Should I just sit him down and spell this out? Tell him that I don't date just to hang out, that someday I want marriage, and if he's not on board....then on to the next one that does. ? Ahh so confused. I am a very straight forward person. I don't like to be left guessing.

Anyone will tell you that if you have to question where you stand in any relationship, then it's not a relationship. I can see this being true, but I feel like ALL dating 'rules' are thrown out the window when dealing with cancers. Like for example-you should never call to hang out and always wait for the man to initiate mostly everything, but with any cancer man I have encountered, I'd be waiting till I was dead. It's just really frusterating

Seriously, the dating rules work on any other man. I've tried it. The acting aloof, not initiating anything, doing my own thing and seeming too busy to fit him In. Can anyone agree that this is rubbish when dealing with these crabs? Lol this is exhausting but I have invested so much and I'm not ready to let go.

Are you on a sort of time table? What I mean is are you wanting/needing to be married in 3 years and having kids in 5? That kinda thing.

If so, than yes, talk to him. Ask him where it's headed. Tell him what you want and ask him if he feels the same. This could backfire of course and he could scuttle away from you, but it's better than waiting another 7 months to find out he has no plans toward a serious relationship.

If there is no time table than continue to be patient. What does the tittle "gf" really matter? As long as he treats you right, it's really just a label.

I've dated guys in the past who called me gf, introduced me to their friends as 'wifey' and were sleeping around with other women. It really is just a label. And some guys will use it as a way to make women complacent and blind them to the reality of what really is going on. But that's another topic for a different thread.

Point is, if what you have is good than stick it out and see where it leads.

Signed Up: Sep 21, 2015
Comments: 0 · Posts: 51 · Topics: 5

This is all just too exhausting for me. I thank you all for replying with your advice, and It is great advice but I have to stop this madness. it is safe to say that I have a narcissistic asshole on my hands.

For those who are in my exact situation, I urge you to walk. No decent man-regardless of his sign, would put someone he cares about through this kind of emotional hurricane.

The sweet words and "I love you" confessions are just ways to get a reaction out of you to feed his own ego and boost his self esteem. I'm sorry, but love is an action, not a feeling. When someone loves you, it's a choice and the recieving end will never feel like a piece of trash at the bottom of the landfill.

I guess I just had one of those "ah ha!" Moments. It's like we chase these men around, giving them all of us, and they allow it to continue because it does feel good to be loved. The bad thing is though, they know they aren't giving it back, and they have no empathy toward watching someone basically fall apart in front of them-which is why they will never end it first.

when he's actually putting up with your negative behavior (and there will be because the frustration is bound to make you snap sooner or later) then just run. Negative attention is just as good as positive attention in his mind. I realized this when I decided to "burn the bridge while standing on it" or in other words-go completely crazy...and he never got mad. It didn't even phase him. I've done this in the past, and those men were gone at that moment. Never looking back.

I'm not saying narcissist and cancer goes hand in hand, but if you are dealing with a true narcissist who just so happens to be a cancer, you are
Gonna be wasting a lot of time. I've had relations with cancers before (just not this old) and they were all decent enough to tell me it wasn't working out or gave me SOMETHING to know when to let go. This one doesn't. He strings me along with zero intentions.

I wanted to say all of that because I just sit here and read threads of women in my exact situation. So before you blame it on their astrological sign, maybe they are just fucked up to start with....

lovely77

@lovely77

10 Years1,000+ Posts

Signed Up: Oct 16, 2015
Comments: 0 · Posts: 1703 · Topics: 66

Im a cancer female and let me say this i move slow and give ppl a hard time when its something i see kn them that i dont trust or im not comfortable i become hard and very guarded....at same time 100 feeling u i court u i take care u i give u everything u want need i want be around u see u just go all out. Alot ppl i dated said thaf im very hard to read distant aloof.... and those same ppl i wasnt feeling them like that and didnt trust them...i think this goes for all signs im currently chasing a libra my ex libra...so i feel if ppl no matter sign is giving u hard time give them a deadline and walk away shouldn't b this hard no matter what sign u are. I feel if u have to question things...its not working and this how i feel me being a cancer with my libra i see alot me in them too they have cancer moon scorpio venus so i tell them all time u not that into me....if u were i wouldnt doubt u...u would go all out for me thats what i do when im into ppl if not im in my hardshell

lovely77

@lovely77

10 Years1,000+ Posts

Signed Up: Oct 16, 2015
Comments: 0 · Posts: 1703 · Topics: 66

Oh yess another thing cancers atleast for me u could curse me out spit on me i will remain cool like mothing phased me....it drives ppl crazy they say i dont care i do i just remain calm at all times...if not feeling u in wont entertain u so maybe he likes u if he hangs around...wr have 0 tolerance for bs atleast for me so if im dealing with someone and tbey are going off on me and i still call them i care and love u if not ignore ignore i dont care

Signed Up: Sep 21, 2015
Comments: 0 · Posts: 51 · Topics: 5

This is my final message to this man. I would have loved to do this in person, but when I feel something, I gotta let it out at that moment. Maybe it's too harsh...idk, but I really am emotionally drained. I've swallowed my pride for far too long. I'm also aware that I come off as dramatic and overly emotional but my god, this has seriously taken a toll on me. I feel for you other people going through this. It's only 'love' but we all know love can be the greatest thing to encounter and also one of the most devastating. It really is sad, we as humans put ourselves through this just to find it, and we all know we can live with out it.

I never want to leave your house again with tears in my eyes, So I gotta be real with myself and walk away. Well, run to be completely honest. I will never beg for someone's attention again and after the alcohol wore off, I felt completely disgusted with myself for actually showing up after being completely rejected. I am emotionally exhausted. If I am too young to be with, I'm also too young to have sex with. I don't give myself to a man just for the hell of it. I'm actually looking for something real-not a model relationship. Even though I do care about you, and this will hurt, i realistically know that there are men out there that will feel like a million dollars to have me. I'll go rock some other old mans world. So in this case, it's not you, it's me. I need love and security and someone who wants to settle down and walk right beside me and my kids. They are part of me and the fact that you refuse to come over when they are here breaks my heart because they are great kids. They deserve someone that would be interested in loving them, too. It was fun was indeed but this really isn't who I am and it certainly isn't how I was brought up. You keep asking me to not leave you but I can't leave something I never had. If you were willing to give me all of the above, I couldn't possibly walk away from that. So please don't feel jaded. I'm not leaving you like you asked. I was never even there.

LadyNeptune

@LadyNeptune

10 Years25,000+ Posts

Signed Up: Oct 21, 2015
Comments: 11076 · Posts: 35718 · Topics: 110

Posted by lioness1288
This is my final message to this man. I would have loved to do this in person, but when I feel something, I gotta let it out at that moment. Maybe it's too harsh...idk, but I really am emotionally drained. I've swallowed my pride for far too long. I'm also aware that I come off as dramatic and overly emotional but my god, this has seriously taken a toll on me. I feel for you other people going through this. It's only 'love' but we all know love can be the greatest thing to encounter and also one of the most devastating. It really is sad, we as humans put ourselves through this just to find it, and we all know we can live with out it.

I never want to leave your house again with tears in my eyes, So I gotta be real with myself and walk away. Well, run to be completely honest. I will never beg for someone's attention again and after the alcohol wore off, I felt completely disgusted with myself for actually showing up after being completely rejected. I am emotionally exhausted. If I am too young to be with, I'm also too young to have sex with. I don't give myself to a man just for the hell of it. I'm actually looking for something real-not a model relationship. Even though I do care about you, and this will hurt, i realistically know that there are men out there that will feel like a million dollars to have me. I'll go rock some other old mans world. So in this case, it's not you, it's me. I need love and security and someone who wants to settle down and walk right beside me and my kids. They are part of me and the fact that you refuse to come over when they are here breaks my heart because they are great kids. They deserve someone that would be interested in loving them, too. It was fun was indeed but this really isn't who I am and it certainly isn't how I was brought up. You keep asking me to not leave you but I can't leave something I never had. If you were willing to give me all of the above, I couldn't possibly walk away from that. So please don't feel jaded. I'm not leaving you like you asked. I was never even there.

Bittersweet!

I hope your heart heals fast. There are good guys out there, you just gotta kiss a dozen toads before you find them ;(

CapricornLaurie

@CapricornLaurie

13 YearsCapricorn

Signed Up: Apr 01, 2012
Comments: 1 · Posts: 294 · Topics: 16

He's probably insecure and doesn't want to invest his emotions yet until he feels you like him more than he does. Its a weird push and pull. he doesn't want to get too deep if he feels like your not invested but they like to be with someone who they are attracted to. But they are attracted to women who they feel are just out of their reach!

I like your idea of sitting down with him and letting him know where you are coming from and where you stand. Try not to be too sappy but more rational. You Dont want to waste your time and you Dont want to be with someone who just assumes you are looking for a "good time".

Signed Up: Sep 21, 2015
Comments: 0 · Posts: 51 · Topics: 5

Thank you all for the replies. I for certain got a very clear answer last night. I found him out and about with his 'other woman'. Apparently, I was not supposed to know about this. Well, I did get sweet redemption.

He left his old man underwear at my house and thank God because I was meant to have those.
I wore them in the bar over my clothes and walked up to him and her and all hell broke loose. Lol

He told the girlfriend that I broke in his house and stole them lol. Ok who would rob you blind for underwear. Hilarious! So I showed her all
The messages. She Walked out and left his ass lmao.

All I did was ask why he did this. He couldn't answer, so while wearing his midnight blue underwear, I slapped him across the face. I publicly humiliated him and lemme tell Ya how good it felt.

Who wears the pants now. Beatcccchhhh! (Literally) ‚

Everyone keeps calling him Hanes. Good job, hanes. Good job.

Aquarius09

@aquarius09

14 Years10,000+ Posts

Signed Up: Jan 29, 2011
Comments: 679 · Posts: 11841 · Topics: 2

Posted by lioness1288
Thank you all for the replies. I for certain got a very clear answer last night. I found him out and about with his 'other woman'. Apparently, I was not supposed to know about this. Well, I did get sweet redemption.

He left his old man underwear at my house and thank God because I was meant to have those.
I wore them in the bar over my clothes and walked up to him and her and all hell broke loose. Lol

He told the girlfriend that I broke in his house and stole them lol. Ok who would rob you blind for underwear. Hilarious! So I showed her all
The messages. She Walked out and left his ass lmao.

All I did was ask why he did this. He couldn't answer, so while wearing his midnight blue underwear, I slapped him across the face. I publicly humiliated him and lemme tell Ya how good it felt.

Who wears the pants now. Beatcccchhhh! (Literally) ‚

Everyone keeps calling him Hanes. Good job, hanes. Good job.

Hilarious! What a sweet end!!! Your last post made me sad but this one cheered me right up! Serves him right!