I thought he was different!

Hello all, I have been lurking around this board for quite a while now that I have been dating my first Cancer. I have enjoyed reading all of your posts. I started dating my cancer about a month ago. It has been such a great relationship. We are totally connected in every way. We have so much in common. I feel that he has been trying really hard to just jump in and hurry the relationship along in which I have been a little resistant. Mostly because I didn't believe that his feelings were real yet. I kept expecting that he might change his mind and back off all of a sudden. Then on this past Friday night we were intimate for the first time. Everything was really wonderful and great. Then the next morning we were laying in bed cuddling and laughing and having a good time and he tells me that an old girlfriend had called him last week asking him if he wanted to go out with her and he said that he didn't know what to say to her. I told him that we had only been dating a month and that if he really felt the urge that he needed to go out with her that he should, but that I would really rather not hear about it. Then I just changed the subject really fast. Everything seemed to be fine after that. He stayed at my house for a couple of more hours and we talked and had sex again. We had planned to go out again that night and he was supposed to go home and get some work done and then he was going to come back at 7:00. At about 10 till 7 I called him expecting that I would be catching him on the drive on the way to my house and instead he tells me that he was just about ready to call me and he was still at home and that he doesn't feel like going out now because he is tired. I asked him if he was ever planning on calling me and letting me know that he wasn't going to come over. He apologized and gave me some lame excuse of losing track of time. So I basically just said O.K. fine I will talk to you later and I hung up on him and went out by myself. He had to have known that I was really upset. He called me the next day at about 4 in the afternoon. I did not answer my phone and he just left me a normal message like nothing had ever happened. I'm so hurt and so mad at him now. I can't even bring myself to call him back now. I just can't figure out what happened to make him purposely sabatage our relationship. For some reason he chose to treat me bad and I can't figure out why. Can anyone shed any light on this situation? How should I handle this?

"I just can't figure out what happened to make him purposely sabatage our relationship"
sounds to me like you are the one changing things...you are kind of tripping out don't you think?

I suggest you read the "rubber band" effect-syndrome as explained in Men are from Mars....it will ease your mind:-) or maybe gslove, your sex sessions zapped him:-) I am being flippant here:-) but as menbay12 states....I think you may be over-sensitive and re-acting.....I think all is well - don't think yourself into a crisis my friend.

A x

i agree with menbay.... lol thats jus typical male behaviour, unfortunately they do lose track of time, and they do get tired, and they do change their minds....
it happens, ikno u were looking forwrad to seeing him, but uus women gotta learn to coool our jets if things dont go as planned. it will only drive them further away.... be understanding... chose ur battles wisely.. read over what u wrote here and think to urself... is this worth me gettin angry?!?!

what's your sign, gslove?

honestly, if i make plans with someone i'm dating and i decide to cancel, i don't wait till the last minute.. that's just inconsiderate. but is it a big deal that you should be getting upset over? maybe, maybe not. depends; we don't know this fellow. he could just be flaky and not mean anything by it. if it happens again, then address it outright and tell him that you think it's inconsiderate and rude. him being a male is no excuse. it's just immature.

Lil.Ladie.Taurus all of what you just said there was spot on. "Cool your jets" I like that phrase and I'm gonna try and incorporate it into my own self programming to be a chilled out lady of refinery who doesn't let silly billy men folk ruffle my plumage 😉

Yes I defo think that gslove got into a bit of a kerfuffle there. First of all you say that you were taking things slow and didn't want to rush things along as you were not totally certain of his sincerity. Then you did an about turn and got very upset because he forgot to call you to say that he would't be calling over to you after all that night. If you were actually being cool about him and holding him at arms length then you shouldn't have felt so annoyed by his change of plan even though it was indeed inconsiderate of him not to call you as soon as he decided that he didn't intend to call over to you as planned.

It seems to me like gslove is exhibiting the other side of the Male Rubber Band theory, ie that as she sets out with a loose grip, it becomes ever more tighter as starts gathering tension ;P But then that just support the laws of physics whereby: "To every action (man) there is an equal and opposite reaction (woman)."

Well all, My damn instincts were right as usual. I was not over-reacting. I knew something was up with him and it was. He told me on Monday that he felt that I was trying to force him into a commitment and that he just wasn't sure he was ready for and yes he was trying to sabatage things and that's why he didn't call me. I just can't believe that. He was the needy one who kept bringing up the commitment thing. I was having fun with him, but I wasn't ready to commit to him after only a month. He is the one who kept telling me that he only sleeps with one woman and that he was not a player and he only sleeps with women that he wants to be in a relationship with. He has 2 kids and is taking care of his sick father. I would have to think long and hard before I take on that kind of responsiblity. I didn't want to go out with anyone else at that point, but once you make that commitment you can't back out without someone getting hurt. He was making way too much out of it and freaking himself out. I would have just forgotten the whole thing if he had just stopped there, but then he began to talk about how I had no right to get upset that he didn't call me and that it is never appropriate to get upset at anyone and that you should always love someone unconditionally no matter what they do and if I chose to get mad that I was only hurting myself and that he only wants to be with someone who believes the same way that he does. Basically he was telling me that I'm not allowed to have any emotions and that I should just accept it that he didn't call. The way that he handled the whole thing and his actions turned me off so much that I pretty much instantly just got over him just like that. I really thought I liked him so much. I don't even feel hurt anymore. It actually kind of bothers me that my feelings could change so fast about someone. That has never happened to me before. I totally see him differently now and I realize that after talking to him that we have totally different relationship style s and you can't fit a sqare peg into a round hole. I just can't see myself with anyone who can't communicate his feelings any better than that and wants to blame me for his bad behavior. I tried to explain all this to him and now he just won't leave it alone. He just insists on analyzing it all to death now and I just want to move on. We had fun and I have no hard feelings towards him. I just wish we could have come to this understanding before we became intimate.

"he began to talk about how I had no right to get upset that he didn't call me"
***BUT HE would have been upset if the shoe was on the other foot! I promise 😉

"It is never appropriate to get upset at anyone"
***Unless HE'S the one upset with YOU.

"you should always love someone unconditionally no matter what they do"
***YOU meaning - YOU. THEY meaning - HIM. WHAT THEY DO meaning - HE can treat you as shitty as he wants and you should always love him and accept him.

"Basically he was telling me that I'm not allowed to have any emotions"
***That's EXACTLY what he was telling you. Good call.

And for future reference: The only person allowed to have feelings in a relationship with a Cancer(or at least a Cancer MAN) *IS* THE CANCER! Especially any feelings other than lovey dovey passion and sex type feelings. Disappointment, longing for anything other than what the Cancer gives, unhappiness, anger no matter HOW appropriate for the situation(and THEIR actions) are not allowed. Didn't you get the memo gslove?

Sorry.

Deja Vu. 😛

im jus syaing, thats the first sign showing u guys r off to a bad start.. i dont kno, it could be different for the two of u... but from my experience.. the second i get emotional over a phonecall, and the second he starts blaming me for feeling that way, is the second u gotta either cool down.. cool.calm.collected., or leave him be, as in, get away from that.
cuz if u cnat keep urself together... then he wont be able to keep HImself together, and then u will both be going abck and forth from good to bad emotions, and u wont be able to turn it off.

Yeah he just sounds really self absorbed at the moment. It's probably because he has a lot on his plate in terms of his own family committments. You're right to move on past that gslove and don't look back or get angry.

Thanks everyone!! I'm definitely done with him. You know, over the years I have been learning to be true to myself and know my own worth and I don't understand why I keep attracting people like this to my life. I guess it's because I keep expecting it and have gotten so defiant about not having it in my life. I even said it in my first e-mail here that "I kept expecting that he might change his mind and back off all of a sudden." and that is exactly what happened. I drew that into my life. I feel like I'm being tested and tested and every test I get thrown at me I at least can handle it better and better every time, but it is still there. I need to get out of that mental place of expecting that people will continue to be this way or they will always be that way. I guess our destructive limiting beliefs are so hard to get rid of. How do you do it? I've watched the movie "The Secret" and I'm a Hypnotherapist so I know how the whole concept works and the work that needs to be done, but the hardest part for me and for my clients is getting to the "Belief" of it all. Hypnosis works so well for issues that you can believe that you can change, but even with hypnosis the subconscious can be very stubborn about your beliefs that have been ingrained there for so long. Hypnosis works by replacing a negative belief with another better belief that your subconscious can accept. I just can't seem to find that better belief replacement yet. I think I just need to slowly replace it with a negative belief that is just a little bit better and take baby steps to get to fully believing the positive. Anyone have any suggestions for a belief that would be just a little bit better?? hahaha!! 😉

hey, i do not blame u one bit. its liek im addicted to these games, and whenever he tests me, i think bwa ha ha im gunna test him back, n the cycle continues. sumtimes i do it for fun.. then when it gets too deep, it starts driving me mad, then i back out.. but once i get bored, i trigger him again for drama.
best drama with cancers lol
keeps me busy.