trouble in paradise?

okay that title might be a little dramatic. our relationship is going really well actually, he's still just as gentlemanly and romantic as when I was first posting on here worried.. but I do need some advice.

I'm still not ready to take it farther and actually have sex with him...I don't know if I ever will. He's very respectful and everything but I have this underlying gut feeling like I'm disappointing him with the lack of sex. Like I said, he's done NOTHING to indicate this but I mean he's a guy, he's had sex before, I don't think it's that easy to go from having it to not having it, you know? Cancer males- if a woman wasn't satisfying you enough sexually, would you eventually get bored and leave her?

I know you all may think I'm paranoid and everything, and I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. I would never break down and have sex with him just because I felt guilty, if/when I do it, it will be because I'm in love and trust him and I'm willing to take the next step. BUT I do feel guilty. I feel like I'm not satisfying him. I'm still really new at this stuff and I'm a total perfectionist, so I want to make sure I'm doing it right, but I'm also too shy/proud to talk to him about it. What should I do? Is it normal to feel this way, should I be worried that our relationship will eventually break down because I'm too much of a prude??

I can't speak for a Cancer guy but Every guy wants sex. He will put up without it for a bit but then he'll probably start getting it elsewhere. My friend was dating this Cancer guy, now her husband, she told him straight up she wouldn't have sex with him until they were seriously committed. He proposed to her at 7 months, then she broke and had sex. So I'd say 6-7 months he'll be OK with but any longer I say you either let him go through the other end or ... . I dated a Libra, for 7 months no sex then through a friend I found out he was doing it on the side. While we did everything we could but sex, he'd still want me so badly and tell me how different I am for not having sex with him, then I found out why. All I'm saying is that EVERY guy wants sex. That's their human nature. You are still young and have a naiive way of looking at relationships. I can't recall how old he is but guys in their 20s want sex period.

You want to hear something funny, I was out for dinner, and this guy walked in with his gf, all kissy, holding hands, she goes to the bathroom and I see him holding his phone logging in to some online dating site. He didn't look happy with the girl but they were cuddly, yet he's out there looking for something on the side or something different. I'm so skeptical of having a relationship. I have 2 guys friend who are married and are having sex on the side.

All I'm saying, if you are not ready to have sex, don't be in a serious relationship. Be casual. Have your fun and have your own lives. Like, if you think you can go on for YEARS without sex then you're silly to think he will not stray. Trust me he will. I have gfs who cannot have it for religious reasons, but if they've been with the guy for a year and know it will lead to something they do have sex with them. It's just never talked about. Muslim or Indian, they play a role of an innocent virgin but have sex like there's no tomorrow.

You just need to understand that both guys and girls who have had sex have those needs. The intensity of it has no comparison to bj's. Unless you allow him through the "back door" he'll find someone to get in through the front door. It's not that hard. People have the ability to show you their affection to you yet be doing something on the side because it feels good to them and it has nothing to do with you. It's just sex.

Sorry, I'm a realist and I'm 30 so I have experience with this and have heard tons of stories from my gfs too.

*Laughs* anal sex is Still sex yet generally more of a taboo form than intercourse is!

Roxy, while I agree not everyone would be patient when it comes to sex, I still suggest doing what's comfortable for you. There's no point of pleasing him sexually if you are not ready as sex should be mutually satisfying.

Although I'm not a virgin, I'm also the same way in a sense - I won't have sex with someone if I don't trust and love them... I can go awhile with no sex, but when with the right person, trust and love being there, I'm a complete freak lol.

pr_princess yeah...men are pigs arent they lol. the back door thing is not happening. if he ends up cheating on me because I won't have sex with him then so be it. I'll be on the next flight to LA without a flinch. I know I'm a catch and if he cheats on me, his loss. But if it starts to break down our relationship, I think it will turn me off to the idea even more. Like we went to a sex shop with his twin just to look around and stuff, it was a joke kinda thing.. and my bf was telling me what lubricants were good and stuff. and instead of his knowledge turning me on.. it was a total turn-off to me haha

Rosepedals - lol yes it's still sex but at least it won't break her hymen. When the guy knows what he's doing and you're completely turned on, it feels really good.

Roxy - All I can say is that Jessica Simpson was holding off and ended up in a divorce and then ended up having sex as anyone else. I mean, it's one thing to not be ready and hold it off and it's another to think "Oh I'm such a catch he needs to deserve to have it" - it's just stupid in that sense. I think sex or virginity is overplayed as something sacred. Once you do it whether with your husband or bf you love, every other time it's just sex and unless you bring play time into it, IT does get boring - hence ppl's minds wander to other people. The love/sex part is in the emotion and not in your vagin*. Your mind set and maturity changes after. One of my gfs held off until she was 29 then just did it with a guy she's getting married to, one of them still is holding off at 30. So I'm not telling you to do it or not do it but maybe really think about why you're not. Because you want to give it to someone you love or because you have an ego and think "yours" is so much more special. In a guy's head, they really don't see it that way. What a "catch" you are. They just think about how they can get it in. - Just to give you a little reality. One of my guy friends, actually a few of them have told me, guys don't even care how pretty or ugly you are, if you have a nice body they'll want to bang it. That's all there is to it. They hang on to a girl when they see she has the will to take care of them and their future kids and be a house wife.

sorry that came off as conceited.. i'm just really bitter about cheaters. my dad's first wife cheated on him and i found out a year later my ex cheated on me with a dude... but what i basically meant was if i was cheated on, i would never forgive the person, ever. and i'd leave and be on the next plane somewhere else in a heartbeat.

also the reason I'm holding out has absolutely nothing to do with me thinking I'm a catch and he needs to earn it. I have many reasons, like, I'm not in love with him yet, I don't want to get pregnant, but I also don't want to take birth control (I don't like the thought of having to take a pill everyday of my life unless my life depends on it), I'm Catholic and was raised not to, I really have no desire to go all the way right now, also... I'm a really sentimental person and i think I'll be really sad after I lose my virginity. like-- I cried when I turned 10 because I was double digits. I cried when I turned 13 because i was a teenager.. cried when i turned 18 because i was an adult. I know that's dumb and I've definitely matured a LOT since going to college and stuff, but I think I'm more of a late bloomer and more naive than most people. I went to catholic school for 12 years and didn't really "grow up" til I went to college and experienced parties and drinking and boys..Plus I was really fat up until college so I had NO experience with dating at all until I turned 19. like I never went on a single date, had any guy ever like me back, nada, until I was 19. that's why I'm so freaking inexperienced lol

I saw this movie called sex in the USA. It really made me think....

Posted by Sagittarius89
I saw this movie called sex in the USA. It really made me think....

can you elaborate? lol

Well I did it for trying it. I was brought up in a strict home and I'm Catholic. I did it for curiosity when I was 18. Then I didn't have it until I met my bf at 21. We had sex 3 weeks after meeting and ended up being together for 4 years wanting to get married until I kinda fell out of love and left him. Sex is just sex, personally and I don't mean this to you, but personally I think people should experience sex with different people until they are ready to settle down. You never know when you'll be ready and really it's just sex after you do it the first time. You should just have fun and not put so much pressure on it. If it comes to it to happen, let it happen, if you start thinking "oh no I'm not in love" then you're just messing with your mind. How do you know when you're in love? I thought I've loved at least 2 guys I've been with, not I look back I don't think I did. Ok maybe the one I was going to marry but then I fell out of it. You just can't predict it.

Sex is definately not just sex for everyone.

I'm not a virgin nor am I religious what so ever, but I tresure my body, I value it. I deftinately would not give it away just for *anyone* to experience and leave polluted. The same goes for the love of my life I had been involved with who happens to be a Cancer - he needs to feel love, comfort and trust in order to have sex and he's definately not a prude nor am I as we both were very open and unlimited with one another.

*treasure

Posted by pr_princess
Well I did it for trying it. I was brought up in a strict home and I'm Catholic. I did it for curiosity when I was 18. Then I didn't have it until I met my bf at 21. We had sex 3 weeks after meeting and ended up being together for 4 years wanting to get married until I kinda fell out of love and left him. Sex is just sex, personally and I don't mean this to you, but personally I think people should experience sex with different people until they are ready to settle down. You never know when you'll be ready and really it's just sex after you do it the first time. You should just have fun and not put so much pressure on it. If it comes to it to happen, let it happen, if you start thinking "oh no I'm not in love" then you're just messing with your mind. How do you know when you're in love? I thought I've loved at least 2 guys I've been with, not I look back I don't think I did. Ok maybe the one I was going to marry but then I fell out of it. You just can't predict it.

First I wanna say she is right. I'm sorry and I said this on another thread but I'm sick of woman using sex as some kind of reward for a good behavior. Get over yourself.

That is so manipulative and you look like a tool.

If sex is so special than why the hell are you using it as a bargaining chip? You are just as bad as men who just want to get in your pants.


And roxy I get where you are coming from, it's totally your choice if you wanna save yourself, but than maybe you should do that with someone who is on the same page as you with that. No offense but your not the only one in your relationship. He has needs too. It's not all about yours.

You should be with someone who shares this ideal if your so passionate about it.

sagittarius89 I'm not necessarily that passionate about it.. I'm just not ready and honestly I'm scared too. and it doesn't feel right with him yet. my ex if I was dating him now I probably would have, but I'm not at that level with this guy yet.

First I wanna say she is right. I'm sorry and I said this on another thread but I'm sick of woman using sex as some kind of reward for a good behavior. Get over yourself.

-- how am I using sex as a reward? There was no reward. There were feelings involved.

1. I don't have sex for fun unless I'm in a relationship and have feelings for the person. I'm not into casual dating BUT it doesn't mean I don't know how the world revolves.
2. What I wrote is basically to highlight the difference between male and female thinking. I'm not pointing fingers I'm generalizing. And I'm being REALISTIC which most people seem to find offensive and think their partner is such a saint that he/she wouldn't cheat.
3. I'm not being manipulative, ALL I was saying is if she wants to do it, then do it, if she doesn't then don't. But you have a better point, if you are or as she IS a VIRGIN then she should BE with a guy who is also a VIRGIN. Because it won't work any other way. -- It's the same thing I said but less rude. I'm not telling her to go have sex. Another young, naiive girl. Wait till you're 30 something and have had some experience. Guys who are around the age of 30-are all about just getting it. They mature again at about 35.

I have a gf who's 35, she's only been with 2 men, she's married now. She won't admit it to me, but from conversations with her I know she's having an affair. We always end up in these conversations, and all she ever says is "I wish I had more sex when I was younger, just dated and gotten more experience..." I know she's unhappy in her marriage.

I'm not saying everyone is like this. My brother is a Cancer and he's been with his wife for 15 years. I know he's never cheated on her and neither has she and they pretty much just keep to themselves. So it's not everyone. BUT it does happen. I mean, there's a site dedicated JUST to married couples who want to have an affair or a fling. madison.com --- with millions registered. So really, I don't know what made up world you live in but you need to wake up.

Posted by roxyfalcon2006
sagittarius89 I'm not necessarily that passionate about it.. I'm just not ready and honestly I'm scared too. and it doesn't feel right with him yet. my ex if I was dating him now I probably would have, but I'm not at that level with this guy yet.

Maybe I'm like confused? So your waiting cause your scared? Or cause you want to wait till your married?

Posted by pr_princess
First I wanna say she is right. I'm sorry and I said this on another thread but I'm sick of woman using sex as some kind of reward for a good behavior. Get over yourself.

-- how am I using sex as a reward? There was no reward. There were feelings involved.

1. I don't have sex for fun unless I'm in a relationship and have feelings for the person. I'm not into casual dating BUT it doesn't mean I don't know how the world revolves.
2. What I wrote is basically to highlight the difference between male and female thinking. I'm not pointing fingers I'm generalizing. And I'm being REALISTIC which most people seem to find offensive and think their partner is such a saint that he/she wouldn't cheat.
3. I'm not being manipulative, ALL I was saying is if she wants to do it, then do it, if she doesn't then don't. But you have a better point, if you are or as she IS a VIRGIN then she should BE with a guy who is also a VIRGIN. Because it won't work any other way. -- It's the same thing I said but less rude. I'm not telling her to go have sex. Another young, naiive girl. Wait till you're 30 something and have had some experience. Guys who are around the age of 30-are all about just getting it. They mature again at about 35.

I have a gf who's 35, she's only been with 2 men, she's married now. She won't admit it to me, but from conversations with her I know she's having an affair. We always end up in these conversations, and all she ever says is "I wish I had more sex when I was younger, just dated and gotten more experience..." I know she's unhappy in her marriage.

I'm not saying everyone is like this. My brother is a Cancer and he's been with his wife for 15 years. I know he's never cheated on her and neither has she and they pretty much just keep to themselves. So it's not everyone. BUT it does happen. I mean, there's a site dedicated JUST to married couples who want to have an affair or a fling. madison.com --- with millions registered. So really, I don't know what made up world you live in but you need to wake up.

I only ment the " she is right" at you and the rest at rosepetals. Lol sorry

Posted by Sagittarius89

Posted by pr_princess
First I wanna say she is right. I'm sorry and I said this on another thread but I'm sick of woman using sex as some kind of reward for a good behavior. Get over yourself.

-- how am I using sex as a reward? There was no reward. There were feelings involved.

1. I don't have sex for fun unless I'm in a relationship and have feelings for the person. I'm not into casual dating BUT it doesn't mean I don't know how the world revolves.
2. What I wrote is basically to highlight the difference between male and female thinking. I'm not pointing fingers I'm generalizing. And I'm being REALISTIC which most people seem to find offensive and think their partner is such a saint that he/she wouldn't cheat.
3. I'm not being manipulative, ALL I was saying is if she wants to do it, then do it, if she doesn't then don't. But you have a better point, if you are or as she IS a VIRGIN then she should BE with a guy who is also a VIRGIN. Because it won't work any other way. -- It's the same thing I said but less rude. I'm not telling her to go have sex. Another young, naiive girl. Wait till you're 30 something and have had some experience. Guys who are around the age of 30-are all about just getting it. They mature again at about 35.

I have a gf who's 35, she's only been with 2 men, she's married now. She won't admit it to me, but from conversations with her I know she's having an affair. We always end up in these conversations, and all she ever says is "I wish I had more sex when I was younger, just dated and gotten more experience..." I know she's unhappy in her marriage.

I'm not saying everyone is like this. My brother is a Cancer and he's been with his wife for 15 years. I know he's never cheated on her and neither has she and they pretty much just keep to themselves. So it's not everyone. BUT it does happen. I mean, there's a site dedicated JUST to married couples who want to have an affair or a fling. madison.com --- with millions registered. So really, I don't know what made up world you live in but you need to wake up.

I only ment the " she is right" at you and the rest at rosepetals. Lol sorry

click to expand

Oh lol it's ok. 🙂

First I wanna say she is right. I'm sorry and I said this on another thread but I'm sick of woman using sex as some kind of reward for a good behavior. Get over yourself.

That is so manipulative and you look like a tool.

If sex is so special than why the hell are you using it as a bargaining chip? You are just as bad as men who just want to get in your pants.


And roxy I get where you are coming from, it's totally your choice if you wanna save yourself, but than maybe you should do that with someone who is on the same page as you with that. No offense but your not the only one in your relationship. He has needs too. It's not all about yours.

You should be with someone who shares this ideal if your so passionate about it.





While I agree with the advise given to Roxy, what you stated about My perception of sex when it comes to My body and what I choose to do with it is a very narrow minded and judgmental view. You have it mixed up. A lot of people are in fact a tool when spreading their legs open left and right just cause 'it's only sex'... So what's 'manipulative'? How I want to only share myself when there is love, trust and comfort with a guy? *laughs*

He's a cancer, I'm a virgo. He's slept with 3 other women before me, one was a relationship and 2 were "flings". I'm a virgin still

and sagittarius... I don't know honestly. i'm still religious but not as much as I used to be, still figuring things out for myself it that makes sense. Part of me just wants to hold on to the title of "virgin"as stupid as I know that is, but another part of me wants to keep it safe too. ugh I'm so confused.

Posted by Rosepetals

I'm sick of woman using sex as some kind of reward for a good behavior. Get over yourself.




And what you're doing is working so well huh?


Roxy do and don't do whatever you want. It's working. He's still yours. When you take advice check to see what position the advisor is because you'll be lead their way.
@Rosepetals I'm not trying to be a b*tch to you & I hope things work out for you and your cancer but anyway I take long to do intimate things and it's never gotten in the way of anything. I have no regrets from waiting.

hey roxy good luck, i dont really have any advice for you because of your age, but if you were like closing in on 30 then i'd probably say what everyone else is saying about sex. i also know a virgo (closing in on 40) who has only been with a couple of guys (i think she married before 25) and she regrets not sleeping with more, shrug. i also stopped talking to her because she turned into a huge pain in the ass, but that is another story 🙂

but yeah the wonderful thing about love and relationships is that they are pretty much what fit you, and if they dont, then you can have another with someone else. i think too many young people are too fatalistic about this stuff these days.

Posted by virgodreamz

Posted by Rosepetals

I'm sick of woman using sex as some kind of reward for a good behavior. Get over yourself.

And what you're doing is working so well huh?


Roxy do and don't do whatever you want. It's working. He's still yours. When you take advice check to see what position the advisor is because you'll be lead their way.
@Rosepetals I'm not trying to be a b*tch to you & I hope things work out for you and your cancer but anyway I take long to do intimate things and it's never gotten in the way of anything. I have no regrets from waiting.



Lol, gosh I still have to get a hang at some of this quoting thing. Sorry Virgo - that quote wasn't by me, the bottom section was after the lines... And yes I hear you as I work that way also.

Oops excusez moi I'm a dummy

If he's not putting any pressure on you Roxy then he's fine. If you decide to have sex at some point, make sure you both go to the health clinic together and get tested and get the results together, remember condoms are not 100% so if you're not taking birth control this choice could up the odds of pregnancy, also no halfsies (made up word) meaning don't let him put his penis half way in or anywhere near your vagina during foreplay, or you could do what a lot of proclaimed virgins do and have anal sex and oral sex. Someone 6 or 7 months but IMO even that is too long, men are getting sex from somewhere after about 2 weeks, doesn't mean they love the girl that's giving it up but he's getting it somewhere somehow.

Whatever you decide, do it solely because you want to do it and whatever happens after that you'll feel good about your decision.

Hi my name is Jessica and 1) I give head , 2) I foreplay with all my cloths OFF in a tent or a Motel 3) but once he goes for the move I say Noooooo WAIT im a virgin.. Roxy pleaseeeeee .. How do u expect this guy to take u seriously if u have done almost everythig except vaginal and anal penetration .. Like I said in the past ... not good behavior for a so called virgin..

Im sorry but I do not agree with all this virgin thing u are protraying.. Like u said.. U are just holding onto the word and thats that.. Im not saying to go sleep around with any Tom, Dick and Harry .. But sit down and ask urself that question.. What does Virginity mean to me .. cause theres no such thing as a half virgin or a quarter virgin ..

Sex is a beautifullllll physical activity with a person whom u care for and love.. Sure I did the one night stand thing once.. I aint gonna lie .. I chose to do it and I did.. No regrets .. I needed to let the canon loose .. haha..

I totally agree with the above Jessica. I have gfs who are virgins and are 24 and 31 years old... both of them have dated guys but never had any sexual activity, no BJ's, not getting naked. That's a virgin, you are kind of a tease and IF he's not pressuring you I'm a good 90% certain he's having it on the side. Honestly, guys don't really care that much virgin no virgin. Sex is sex. Either stop of the activity or just do it and stop complaining about it. Have fun. Use condoms. I've NEVER been on birth control and only used condoms or nothing and never got pregnant. To be honest, it's NOt that easy to get knocked up unless you're a teenager. There's only 3-4 days out of the month you can get pregnant and that's when you're ovulating and 2 days before. Condoms are not 100% but they are ENOUGH. 99.9 percent is pretty full proof unless it breaks.

I don't know what Roxy's motivations are but for me I think it's okay to do everything but intercourse if that's what a woman wants. There are lots of women who do intercourse but not oral or anal. Everyone can choose to do what they want and don't want. If her guy doesn't like it he can choose to leave. If she is holding out because she wants something in return she might as well. There are lots of guys who are only with women for sex and will leave them if it's no longer available to them. There are lots of women who do FWB and then get mad when no relationship comes out of it, so in most cases even women who have sex and "no strings" end up wanting something. To some people (like me) being a virgin just means not having intercourse. It has nothing to do with virtue or being chaste or religious beliefs and morals or refraining from other sexual acts. It's just a choice. He's free to go if it bothers him. Not only that she's actually with her cancer how many stories are in this forum about how "I slept with him and he doesn't want a relationship how do I get him to commit" this is the opposite. Maybe some women here should take a tip from Rox. Then there's the "I do everything he wants I give him space I don't call him out on his BS when he ignores me plus I gave him p*ssy after I made his lunch and he disappeared" Women need to get a clue Success=doing what you want for yourself.

Also PR some guys do care about virginity (foolish in my opinion but still a fact)
and you can still get herpes for the rest of your life with condoms so no not they are not enough but they are better than nothing, they only reduce the risk of herpes about 30% (at least this is what I've read but everyone can do their own research if they are concerned). That doesn't mean someone should live in a bubble but everyone should understand when you fck your partner or one night stand make sure they are worth your while.

You're not having sex with him because you are worried he sees getting you into the bedroom as a great challenge and as soon as he succeeds he will leave you.

If that's the truth, and since you are so obsessed with it, my guess is it is. (Especially since there is no other real reason you have for refusing to have sex), my advice is to fuck him.

It doesn't matter how long you keep from having sex, he will still leave you if that is his goal. Either he will take your virginity now and break your heart or he will take it from you in a few months and break it more.

Of course, there is the chance that sex isn't his only goal. If that's the case you will simply get closer to him after you fuck. But you won't know either way until you fuck him.

He might propose to you, but he can still leave you. He might marry you, but he can still leave you.

The only way to know what he really wants is to fuck him (but you can try talking to him about it before, instead of playing all these childish games.)

Just do it.

(MY ADVICE: I don't claim it to be correct or that you have to follow it. ADVICE.)

Also, you're worried that if you give him your v-card and he leaves you, you won't have anything to hold over future guys heads. But don't worry your pretty little head about that because you can use "I've been hurt" as a playing card to.

God I hate games.

Posted by AiryBri
You're not having sex with him because you are worried he sees getting you into the bedroom as a great challenge and as soon as he succeeds he will leave you.

If that's the truth, and since you are so obsessed with it, my guess is it is. (Especially since there is no other real reason you have for refusing to have sex), my advice is to fuck him.

I've listed plenty of other real reasons. And I'm not worried he's going to "leave me". I don't plan on marrying him, I don't feel dependent on him or our relationship, I plan on moving eventually myself and working in California...so no.. I could care less if he "left" me. I'm honestly, truly not that invested right now. I don't know what it is, if I'm distancing myself because I'm worried about commitment and being tied down or if I really don't feel a spark with him or what. But the truth of the matter is, I don't WANT to have sex. With him. With anyone. I don't really desire it at all. Call me weird, I don't know. I don't know why, I just don't. I know I'm scared, of many things.. there's that, obviously. But I'm not CRAVING it and I don't LOVE him so I'm not gonna have sex with him.


Don't tell me I'm playing games. I'm not. It has nothing to do with control over him or anything. This is about ME and MY BODY and MY emotions. I don't care if I was dating Brad Pitt right now.. I still wouldn't have sex with him because simply, I don't feel ready for it.

I'm sick of people talking about games and not really reading what I'm saying about my feelings.

also, for clarification.. I'm not saying I don't ever want to have sex or that I plan on waiting til marriage but right now I just don't feel like it. I'm perfectly satisfied with everything else.

... here we go lol.

Posted by roxyfalcon2006

I'm not worried he's going to "leave me". I don't plan on marrying him, I don't feel dependent on him or our relationship, I plan on moving eventually myself and working in California...so no.. I could care less if he "left" me.

...

I'm sick of people talking about games and not really reading what I'm saying about my feelings.

What's the point of being in a relationship with someone you can't see being long-term? You shouldn't be planning anything at this point. Just living it.

I'm not saying you should want to marry the person you are dating, but you are saying you won't even consider it? Ever?

What's the point of that?

If you're not interested in sex and your not interested in a long-term relationship, why are you dating anyone?

It's selfish because you are making him invest his thoughts and emotions into you, while you are not doing the same for him. You are hurting him. You keep saying "me me me" only your thoughts and feelings matter because you're a virgin...

You're not thinking about him at all because all you care about is yourself.

Go ahead and tell me some more lies, but your lying to yourself. Otherwise you wouldn't be on here constantly yelling your lies (trying to convince others and yourself what you are doing is acceptable). The truth is what you are doing is heartless and selfish.

I'm sorry if you don't want to hear it but I refuse to validate your choices just because they are what society considers chaste.

"Don't tell me I'm playing games. I'm not. It has nothing to do with control over him or anything. This is about ME and MY BODY and MY emotions. I don't care if I was dating Brad Pitt right now.. I still wouldn't have sex with him because simply, I don't feel ready for it."

Valid and a good enough reason.

airybri, we both know we want different things in life, but we're enjoying eachother in the moment now. we've only been officially dating for not even 2 months.. why are we thinking long-term here already? I honestly don't know him well enough to think of anything long term, why is that so evil and heartless? We both know we want different things though-like, he works in horticulture and stuff and has said that he hates leaving Canada, while my career is in film and although I can work in Toronto for a while, if I want to be really successful the only place for me is California. If he's willing to move there, then fine, but I don't expect him to. I don't want to separate him from his friends and family by forcing him to move across the continent, I know he'd be unhappy and it would never work. And I have no choice but to live there eventually. That's where my industry is, and pretty much the only stable place. Sure, movies film all over the world, but if you want a major career in it, you have to live in LA, and that is that. So how am I being selfish by not wanting anything long term with him? It's not like I'm opposed to the idea, I'm just being realistic. He would be miserable in California, and I would be miserable staying in Canada forever. It just wouldn't work.

Just had to chime in backing up AiryBri on her last post which was a great one (not discussing the not having sex part since that's a personal thing)

If you can't see yourself potentially being with him in the long-term, "could care less" if he left you, "not that invested" (in fact you're already planning on after the relationship without him lol), then what exactly are you doing here? You should just end it now because what you're doing right now is playing games and leading him on which is the worst thing you can do, even worse than breaking up with him (because at least in that case you're being honest with him and he could move on). But of course you won't do that because the situation is convenient and comfortable right now until you're ready to move to California.

Honestly though, this is the type of shit which makes Cancers (or people for that matter) put up those BS tests and make them so guarded and difficult in other instances, because they learn to protect themselves from relationships like this one. If women have difficulty grasping why these men react to situations in those certain ways (judging from all the topics on this forum), this is one of the reasons why.

You're doing him a disservice right now as well as not even giving him the respect to know that you don't see a future with him in it even though you're in a relationship. This would be perfectly fine if you guys already made it clear that this won't be a "serious" relationship, but I get a strong feeling that's not the case. If he's fine with it even after knowing your feelings (or rather lack of) and wants to continue with it, then that's alright, he knows the deal at least.

Right now he's suffering under the delusion that you guys have a future together. Correct him of it and he'll be grateful to you in the end for being straight with him. What you're doing now though...not so much.

i would second this. prolonging the agony, stringing things along when you see no future in it...a big no-no. and for what, an ego boost?

maybe switching roles in your head and thinking about things through his eyes, would help you. forget the sex thing for now, i would agree that it's your choice and if you have doubts around it, you don't even need to go there. this is a pseudo relationship and both of you will feel the fallout if you continue in this way.

in ref to darkcancerian's post, btw

Posted by everevolvingepithet

Posted by roxyfalcon2006
airybri, we both know we want different things in life, but we're enjoying eachother in the moment now. we've only been officially dating for not even 2 months.. why are we thinking long-term here already? I honestly don't know him well enough to think of anything long term, why is that so evil and heartless? We both know we want different things though-like, he works in horticulture and stuff and has said that he hates leaving Canada, while my career is in film and although I can work in Toronto for a while, if I want to be really successful the only place for me is California. If he's willing to move there, then fine, but I don't expect him to. I don't want to separate him from his friends and family by forcing him to move across the continent, I know he'd be unhappy and it would never work. And I have no choice but to live there eventually. That's where my industry is, and pretty much the only stable place. Sure, movies film all over the world, but if you want a major career in it, you have to live in LA, and that is that. So how am I being selfish by not wanting anything long term with him? It's not like I'm opposed to the idea, I'm just being realistic. He would be miserable in California, and I would be miserable staying in Canada forever. It just wouldn't work.

I'm getting the impression L.A would eat you alive/turn you out, no offense.

click to expand

Ditto, I'm an LA native and have worked in the industry... Not as shiny as many people on the outside think it is!

Posted by DarkCancerian
Just had to chime in backing up AiryBri on her last post which was a great one (not discussing the not having sex part since that's a personal thing)

If you can't see yourself potentially being with him in the long-term, "could care less" if he left you, "not that invested" (in fact you're already planning on after the relationship without him lol), then what exactly are you doing here? You should just end it now because what you're doing right now is playing games and leading him on which is the worst thing you can do, even worse than breaking up with him (because at least in that case you're being honest with him and he could move on). But of course you won't do that because the situation is convenient and comfortable right now until you're ready to move to California.

Honestly though, this is the type of shit which makes Cancers (or people for that matter) put up those BS tests and make them so guarded and difficult in other instances, because they learn to protect themselves from relationships like this one. If women have difficulty grasping why these men react to situations in those certain ways (judging from all the topics on this forum), this is one of the reasons why.

You're doing him a disservice right now as well as not even giving him the respect to know that you don't see a future with him in it even though you're in a relationship. This would be perfectly fine if you guys already made it clear that this won't be a "serious" relationship, but I get a strong feeling that's not the case. If he's fine with it even after knowing your feelings (or rather lack of) and wants to continue with it, then that's alright, he knows the deal at least.

Right now he's suffering under the delusion that you guys have a future together. Correct him of it and he'll be grateful to you in the end for being straight with him. What you're doing now though...not so much.

Yup!

Roxy, why all the fuss if you ultimately feel it's not going to work out?

Posted by roxyfalcon2006
airybri, we both know we want different things in life, but we're enjoying eachother in the moment now. we've only been officially dating for not even 2 months.. why are we thinking long-term here already? I honestly don't know him well enough to think of anything long term, why is that so evil and heartless? We both know we want different things though-like, he works in horticulture and stuff and has said that he hates leaving Canada, while my career is in film and although I can work in Toronto for a while, if I want to be really successful the only place for me is California. If he's willing to move there, then fine, but I don't expect him to. I don't want to separate him from his friends and family by forcing him to move across the continent, I know he'd be unhappy and it would never work. And I have no choice but to live there eventually. That's where my industry is, and pretty much the only stable place. Sure, movies film all over the world, but if you want a major career in it, you have to live in LA, and that is that. So how am I being selfish by not wanting anything long term with him? It's not like I'm opposed to the idea, I'm just being realistic. He would be miserable in California, and I would be miserable staying in Canada forever. It just wouldn't work.

My Cancer and I have only been dating for 3 months, but I already decided to stay in California for him (all my friends and family are in Utah) even though I was only supposed to finish my last year of high school here (my mom moved my senior year). Now my mom is moving to Washington and I am still staying here even though I'm practically homeless and can't find a good job. I'm doing all this because I can't imagine life without him. But it would destroy him if it wasn't real and I just left, after all the promises I made. Just the same as it would destroy me if he kicked me out one night. Yeah, it's scary, but it's worth it because... well it just is.

I am miserable, working all day and going to college... but it makes the time I spend with him and our friends even better.

Relationships aren't about getting a guy to commit to you. They aren't about doing what works or what makes you feel best.

They are simply about finding a really good friend who supports you because they understand your point of view; and you do the same for them. You just happen to have sex with that friend every once in a while.

In real relationships, sex doesn't mean anything, it just makes you closer. Nothing trivial like sex, money, backgrounds, looks, clothes, cars, houses, friends, family, beliefs, dreams, or desires can end your relationship because your friendship means more to you then anything else in the world. You are both willing to make sacrifices because you don't care who is making the bigger ones, you just want to make each other as happy as you can. The word "fair" doesn't exist.

A real relationship isn't made by a perfectly compatible couple, it's built by good memories and getting through hard times together (and that is where real trust comes from too). And love isn't something you decide on, that's why its called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall. (That's a famous quote, btw).

You can have a fake relationship, but don't try and convince other people it's real with this kind of bs or something much worse like a wedding. Because you might be convincing the guy its real too, and that will break his heart.

I think the reason a lot of relationships (as in marriage) don't work out is because people stress to much about the future and rush into wanting a future with somebody. Jesus Christ I'm only 22 people. My boyfriend and I both have talked a lot and we both want to get married a lot later in life, like 10 years from now, and have fun in life while we're young. I think it's crazy to not even date someone just because you don't see a future with them. It's important to step out of your comfort zone and date various "types" because you really don't know your type unless you've tried it. I suppose we could work out long term but I'm not thinking that far ahead and neither is he. Were both young and were both more focused on starting our career and getting stable in life so that our futures will be more secure. I don't think we're leading eachother on by being sensible and not blinded by love. You can think what you want of me but honestly, only my boyfriend and I know our relationship and it works for us. It's possible we could end up in the long term, who knows, but we both have a long journey before "long term" becomes a term in our vocabulary. But honestly this all to me sounds like crazy talk!

I think the reason a lot of relationships (as in marriage) don't work out is because people stress to much about the future and rush into wanting a future with somebody. Jesus Christ I'm only 22 people. My boyfriend and I both have talked a lot and we both want to get married a lot later in life, like 10 years from now, and have fun in life while we're young. I think it's crazy to not even date someone just because you don't see a future with them. It's important to step out of your comfort zone and date various "types" because you really don't know your type unless you've tried it. I suppose we could work out long term but I'm not thinking that far ahead and neither is he. Were both young and were both more focused on starting our career and getting stable in life so that our futures will be more secure. I don't think we're leading eachother on by being sensible and not blinded by love. You can think what you want of me but honestly, only my boyfriend and I know our relationship and it works for us. It's possible we could end up in the long term, who knows, but we both have a long journey before "long term" becomes a term in our vocabulary. But honestly this all to me sounds like crazy talk!

Roxy sounds like you're trying to prove something to yourself and talk yourself out of whatever it is your in right now...Just be true to yourself, be honest with yourself first and you'll be able to be honest with everyone else. I don't expect too much from a 22 year old, firstly you are bound to make mistakes out of lack of experience and your still figuring things out in life and maturing into a woman so you can be your own woman. Do what's best for you and if you want to date him momentarily then do it, you don't need our approval. If a man was doing what your doing, he's jeered by his peers and it's common that men date women without being too serious in the beginning and isn't met with half the smirks and hostility your being met with.

Posted by roxyfalcon2006
It's possible we could end up in the long term, who knows, but we both have a long journey before "long term" becomes a term in our vocabulary. But honestly this all to me sounds like crazy talk!

That's not what you were saying a few posts ago, but it's alright if you haven't got it figured out. As long as you're being honest with yourself.

What your talking about is "fake relationships" (or flings) I've experienced these, but looking back now they just feel like they were a waste of time. They aren't a bad thing, I'm glad I experienced them because they made me not yearn for anything trivial now, and they've made me appreciate the real person I now have.

I, however, never hurt anyone because we both knew exactly what was going on. Also, they never lasted more then a few weeks and I never got past kissing as far as the physical stuff is concerned. (I'm glad about this because I've experienced all the firsts with my cancer and so has he..)

If you are not ready for a committed relationship, break up with him, tell him you're not ready for deeper feelings and maybe you can see him few years down the road when you are. Flings are different then long term relationships for a reason, people don't get confused and hurt in them because they are short term; that's the point.

You want to experience different people because you still think love has anything to do with finding the right person instead of simply being able to communicate and have a lot of memories together. That's fine. But tell him that's what you want to do right now. LTR's don't work for that. If you want to experience other people, why are you still with one after two months?

But if you are ready to commit (or think you might be), stop playing games and fuck him (or at least give into him physically in every other way you're comfortable with to keep him happy, but say you don't want to have sex because of fears of STD's, kids, etc)

No offense Airybri and I know you are not speaking to me directly but what the hell are you talking about? I'm older than both of you so maybe I'm just not able to relate lol but you are just not making any sense to me.

I so don't like sticking up for anyone but in this situation I think you are blowing Roxy's thoughts out of context.

Airybri I get what your saying but I just don't agree. I think it's possible to be in a committed relationship but not think about long-term.. You're only 18 and yes I'm only 22 but I feel like I've learned a lot more between the time I was your age and now. Why does long term have to be the be-all end-all in everyone these days? Were still just getting to know eachother as a couple and I don't think it's so abnormal for me to be more concerned about my career and life path at this age than I am about finding a husband. I've had many flings and this is no fling. I guess before it sounded liked I completely threw out the idea of a long term relationship with him.. I guess I meant that I dont see that happening in te near future. Were both sensible and both agree on this. Career is more important.. It will make the future more comfortable and if we find eachother again after establishing ourselves than so be it.. But for right now we are enjoying our relationship in the here and now without the thought of future looming over us, and were both satisfied with that.

Posted by roxyfalcon2006
Airybri I get what your saying but I just don't agree. I think it's possible to be in a committed relationship but not think about long-term.. You're only 18 and yes I'm only 22 but I feel like I've learned a lot more between the time I was your age and now. .

Um age has nothing to do with the amount you know. I have a lot more life experience then most people my age because of the way I grew up.

From what I know about Cancers (as I'm dating one and my sister is married to one) they tend to get committed and hurt easily. You should be sure you're on the same page as him so you don't hurt him. It doesn't have to be end-all be-all but it usually has to be pretty clean cut so no one gets hurt (no one has to be certain it will be long-term, but both parties should be aware that it will (probably) be short-term)

On the flip side I still think you are afraid of getting hurt which is why you refuse to let him in further.

(IMO) In your mind virginity isn't a symbol of religion or classiness, it's the last barrier you have up that protects you if he leaves. But if you take down the barrier you'll either get closer to him or you'll get hurt. But life and love without risk is useless (imo).

I don't see you being very communicative if you are this worried that a lack of sex will damage you're relationship to the point that he breaks up with you arbitrarily. Get off the website and talk with him, it doesn't seem like you are doing that enough. You get on here worried that what you are doing isn't enough or something, but you'll feel more secure if you spend more time with him.

You're at the point that not spending time with him in fear of appearing "clingy" is a game.

Just do what you want but communicate what you want too.