trouble in paradise? (Page 2)

Posted by AiryBri

Just do what you want but communicate what you want too.

X2
If he doesn't know what's on your mind then, to me, he's being lead on which I think is the wrong thing to do to a person. If he knows your plans then it's all good from my point of view.

Let's not gloss over the issue here roxy, it's obvious you're leading him on. You're saying that you both already made it clear to each other that marriage is not in the near future on any of your outlooks, and that you're clear with with each other on what types of careers you wish to pursue. That's fine and great, but that's not at all what you were talking about, nor what any of us were addressing.

What's being addressed here are your statements that you don't see a future with him, "could care less" if he left you, the fact that you are "truly not at all that invested" in the relationship, already made plans for after you leave him, have no desire to be sexually intimate with him, and wondering if you lack even a spark for him.

I really have no desire to jump on anyone when other people are already getting at you, but you're lying to yourself if you think this is the right way to handle it, or if you actually think you're fooling anyone else with these rationalizations and obfuscations. Like I said before, let him know how you really feel regarding this relationship because you're obviously not on the same page. Need a reminder what that means? Recite to him the bolded reasons in the previous paragraph. You expect us to think he knows and accepts those feelings of his girlfriend? That doesn't fly.

The really sad thing here is that you know all this already so it shouldn't be necessary to say this. However, you've already realized yourself that he *would* leave you as soon as you made it clear to him that you're just in it for only the "fun" and "experience" since he'd essentially have no reason or desire to be with you anymore. Perhaps that's what you fear at this moment, of breaking this harmony you possess in your life right now...it wouldn't be convenient I'd imagine. Regardless, I really hope you make the right decision and that everything turns out for the better; I'd love nothing more than to be proven wrong and I wish you guys the best. Just giving you my perspective of the situation and what I'd appreciate a girl to do for me if I was in your boyfriend's shoes; I would hate being led on like this. I'll just chalk your problem up to relative inexperience and not knowing what you want and that's understandable... but the important thing here is to be honest to yourself and others regarding these issues or you won't ever move forward.

Even though I've said it multiple times, we're both on the same page. I'm not leading anyone on.

Posted by roxyfalcon2006
Even though I've said it multiple times, we're both on the same page. I'm not leading anyone on.

So you have told him:

Posted by DarkCancerian
you don't see a future with him, "could care less" if he left you, the fact that you are "truly not at all that invested" in the relationship, already made plans for after you leave him, have no desire to be sexually intimate with him, and wondering if you lack even a spark for him.

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and he doesn't mind at all?

If he knows all this and still relentlessly romances you by getting you hotel rooms and what not he either: doesn't actually know all that and still thinks you have a chance, really wants to get into your pants, or is stupid and likes to waste all of his money on a dead-end relationship

?

It's definitely not because you are the smartest most attractive girl in the universe and he's jut doing anything he can to spend time with you, that's your delusion.

Posted by AiryBri

Posted by roxyfalcon2006
Even though I've said it multiple times, we're both on the same page. I'm not leading anyone on.

So you have told him:

Posted by DarkCancerian
you don't see a future with him, "could care less" if he left you, the fact that you are "truly not at all that invested" in the relationship, already made plans for after you leave him, have no desire to be sexually intimate with him, and wondering if you lack even a spark for him.

and he doesn't mind at all?

If he knows all this and still relentlessly romances you by getting you hotel rooms and what not he either: doesn't actually know all that and still thinks you have a chance, really wants to get into your pants, or is stupid and likes to waste all of his money on a dead-end relationship

?

It's definitely not because you are the smartest most attractive girl in the universe and he's jut doing anything he can to spend time with you, that's your delusion.

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Ouch.

Posted by DarkCancerian

What's being addressed here are your statements that you don't see a future with him, "could care less" if he left you, the fact that you are "truly not at all that invested" in the relationship, already made plans for after you leave him, have no desire to be sexually intimate with him, and wondering if you lack even a spark for him.

Perhaps you won't like my honest opinion, but here's what's going on in my head after I read this whole thread.

If I were in a 'relationship' and the other person told me all those things above, then they will not be a marriage, or even dating material anymore. I'd still spend time and (some) money probably, to hang out with that person simply for the sake of my enjoyment. There would be no such thing as 'us' anymore, as we'd be over already in my head. So I would shop around behind that person's back and leave them when the time is right, which is either when a) I got bored of them or b) I found someone more worthwhile. Of course, because I am a damn good actress they would not know that I did this all behind their back.

Vindictive, immature Cancer I am, which I will be in front of people who I think aren't worth the best of me. Besides, it takes two to tango, doesn't it?

Posted by moneyliciouss

Posted by DarkCancerian

What's being addressed here are your statements that you don't see a future with him, "could care less" if he left you, the fact that you are "truly not at all that invested" in the relationship, already made plans for after you leave him, have no desire to be sexually intimate with him, and wondering if you lack even a spark for him.

Perhaps you won't like my honest opinion, but here's what's going on in my head after I read this whole thread.

If I were in a 'relationship' and the other person told me all those things above, then they will not be a marriage, or even dating material anymore. I'd still spend time and (some) money probably, to hang out with that person simply for the sake of my enjoyment. There would be no such thing as 'us' anymore, as we'd be over already in my head. So I would shop around behind that person's back and leave them when the time is right, which is either when a) I got bored of them or b) I found someone more worthwhile. Of course, because I am a damn good actress they would not know that I did this all behind their back.

Vindictive, immature Cancer I am, which I will be in front of people who I think aren't worth the best of me. Besides, it takes two to tango, doesn't it?

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I'm young and would like a chance to experience different relationships before I start thinking about anything long term. My dads a divorce lawyer and has given me a lot of advice about what NOT to do in relationshiPs and why they fall apart. It's healthy and normal and much better in the long run to get a sampling of relationships before deciding on "the one". Sorry If my logic sounds cold. I just take my future very seriously.

So how is this going?

honestly, I don't know what to do right now. I really like him, and as I've said he treats me super well... but I just have some issues with him I've just begun to realize. I knew he smoked pot, I never realized HOW often. Like everyday, multiple times a day. And he just zones out and he's always tired. He works full time and it's not affecting his job or anything BUT.. what really bothers me is his lack of drive or passion for anything. He quit high school (granted it was because of family issues but still.. he's 25 he could have gotten his diploma by now) He has no desire to go to college because he doesn't want to get into debt, and yet.. college is almost necessary nowadays to get a good career, plus it's an investment, not a debt. I hung out with his twin brother all day today and he told me how mad he was because when their father passed away in June, his twin was by his side at the hospital, so he called my boyfriend who was staying at the hotel across the street and their sister who lived an hour away. She got there before him, and apparently he was stoned out of his mind and so his twin went off on him. He was really angry and said a lot of stuff and he also said soemthing about how he thinks he's gonna lose me because he isn't doing anything with his life. And honestly...before, I was kind of blinded by it, but today, as I watched him get high for the THIRD time with his friends, it just finally struck me. I'm dating a pothead. Who hasn't finished high school. Who lives with his mom. Doesn't have any passion or drive for anything career-wise for his future. Here I am, $ 30,000 in debt after finishing two bachelor's degrees, excited to start my life in film and be successful and do something I love... and I'm holding myself back for this guy. I really do like him, and he's so good to me, better than any guy I've ever dated. But is it a problem if someone smokes pot daily? Like I know it's not "addictive" physically but it sure does seem like he's addicted to it. And also it seems like EVERYONE in Canada smokes pot all the time so maybe I'm overreacting. I don't even know what to do.

Posted by roxyfalcon2006
I don't even know what to do.

My advice always is: Do exactly what you want.

Not what you think is best for you or or society or your future or your experience level.

The only thing you will ever truly regret is not doing what exactly what you wanted to do. Overtime, with the more choices you make, what you really want will mature into what is good for you. Right now, you don't even really know what that is.

You can tell yourself "I want to do this, but doing this will only end up hurting me" but you won't know what that hurt is like unless you try it; so you will always want to do it. And if you never do it, you will probably feel unfulfilled and unhappy. And if you always keep yourself guarded from the bad, you'll always be afraid of it and you might never learn to appreciate the good. Once you've been in a horrible situation, you learn that you can deal; and once you escape it you truly appreciate what you now have. So just do what you want, at least then you won't regret it and you'll get some REAL chances to learn. (But don't do what you think other people want you to do or what will make you look good. You'll probably regret that too.)

Sometimes what you want to do is nothing at all. If you want to play out a fling long-term with this guy, then do it. The only other advice I give is that you try not to hurt other people when you can. Do what you want, but only if it won't hurt other people in the process. (aka, really think about him, and what will and won't hurt him). Not only for the sake of other people, but for the sake of staying in touch of reality and your conscious. (and because you don't want to give someone an excuse to rape/murder/stalk/etc you, if you can)

Lastly, always make your choices so you can take responsibility for them. Don't let religion or family or any other bullshit societal thing be your scapegoat. Figure out what you want, do it, and own up to it if it hurts someone or yourself. Be honest with yourself and what you are doing. Otherwise you'll never learn or gain experience.

Just my advice... it may not be right for everyone, but it works for me.

I dont find virginity impressive at all. An adult virgin is a big red flag to me. My personal opinion is that this person must suffer from arrested development if they havent experienced a loving physical relationship in all its joy and splendor. If they are holding out for some ideal then to me they are dellusional. Either way, its not a good look and I think if you live long enough you will come to the end of your days thinking about all the sex you should have had, versus all the sex you didnt.

Posted by treefrogster

Posted by roxyfalcon2006
But honestly this all to me sounds like crazy talk!

if what people are saying are crazy talk, then why are you here asking questions?

from what you've written, you are saying two different things. you say you don't really want something long term and when someone chimes in with a perspective, you change your tune. if you're not sure about your relationship, it might not be the best time to be in one.

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I will also add that this is like the 3rd or 4th thread she has created addressing how he wants to sex her up, and she makes him wait.

Of course, that's not all the threads are about .. but, that is the main topic.

Posted by PiscesFebFish

I dont find virginity impressive at all. An adult virgin is a big red flag to me. My personal opinion is that this person must suffer from arrested development if they havent experienced a loving physical relationship in all its joy and splendor. If they are holding out for some ideal then to me they are dellusional. Either way, its not a good look and I think if you live long enough you will come to the end of your days thinking about all the sex you should have had, versus all the sex you didnt.

I agree with that.

Who wants to have a woman who blows off experiencing life, and justifies this by asserting she is in wait of the real life to happen later on?


Virgos

I just wanna make sure I don't it for the first time with the right person. Right now I'm starting to doubt if he's the right person. He hasn't finished high school (he's 25), smokes weed EVERY DAY (I didn't realize that he smoked it THAT much, he's sick with a sinus infection and STILL smoking it, wtf?!) I thought he was passionate about horticulture and wanting to start his own landscaping business but now it looks like he doesn't really know what he wants to do and doesn't wanna "waste" his money on a college education and get into debt. Sorry but I consider my education an investment in my future and I don't want to be with someone who smokes pot everyday and doesn't think about their future, and would rather spend $ 200 a month on weed instead of getting an education and preparing for a career. I don't think that's too much to ask of me, nor do i think I'm being snobby about it. I don't want to lose my virginity to a pothead with no motivation. True, he treats me well, and weed isn't affecting his job or finances or anything like that, but I'm just starting to realize how much different we are. i'm always thinking of the future and how I want to do so much with my life I feel like i'm running out of time.. and yet he's 25 and still hasn't finished high school. I don't know how I can approach him about this without sounding as bitchy as I just did (Venting on the internet keeps me sane lol). What to do!

don't do it the first time with the *wrong* person, oops!

Um, isn't this crystal clear then? Why were you with him in the first place, or most importantly, why are you STILL with him?

Leave him and get a real man, for pete's sake.

Posted by PiscesFebFish
I dont find virginity impressive at all. An adult virgin is a big red flag to me. My personal opinion is that this person must suffer from arrested development if they havent experienced a loving physical relationship in all its joy and splendor. If they are holding out for some ideal then to me they are dellusional. Either way, its not a good look and I think if you live long enough you will come to the end of your days thinking about all the sex you should have had, versus all the sex you didnt.

Ya that is way true though

I know piranhaparadise, I feel like shit for talking so badly about him. I know you don't need a college diploma to go far in life, hell my grandpa was a ford exec and never went to college (that was a different time back then, but anyways) it's motivation and drive that gets you there. But he just seems to not have any motivation and I sooo want to talk to him about it but I feel like I'd offend him if I said something. Which is hypocritical because obviously it's bugging me and it would totally offend him if he knew I was venting about it on the internet. I thought he was different when I first met him. He treats me so well still.. this isn't a matter of how well he treats me. It's about his disregard for where his own life goes. And his dependence on the marijuana. I know it's not physically addicting but he's definitely psychologically addicted to it.

If you ask me if it's a deal breaker if someone had no motivation or future goals. I'd tell you yes.

However, if I had to choose between a guy who treated me like dirt but was super motivated and rich and driven, or a guy who was less motivated but was really good to me, I'd choose the nice guy and just deal with being the breadwinner and hope that my ambition would be enough to cover us both.

I don't want to break up with him because I just realized this like 3 days ago and I haven't had the courage to talk to him about it yet. I have a tendency to hold things in and avoid conflict (and vent about it to other people) which I know is bad. But I do care about him and I know he has the potential to do great things with his life, I just have to figure out how to word it so I don't offend him. I have a tendency to offend people when i don't mean to.. i can be very blunt.

Well the first guy I had sex with was addicted to drugs and went no where with his life and dropped out of high school and now is in jail I hear.

The sex amazing the first time I had it. It didn't hurt at all and I cam really hard.

Posted by roxyfalcon2006

.... and would rather spend $ 200 a month on weed

Seems like you just want to bitch about him without any actual facts to support what flies out of your mouth .... because a user would go through 200 dollars in a week.

You are just saying that shit because you are young and immature, and now looking for soemthing else to make his fault ...

Posted by roxyfalcon2006

He treats me so well still.. this isn't a matter of how well he treats me. It's about his disregard for where his own life goes.

He's not the one in here complaining about where his life is going .... that would be you. You have an expectation about what you think his life should be and if he isn't living up to it, then you think you have a right to judge how he wants to live his life.

I can't believe you actually made the claim that you know how he regards his life ... when you speak out of both sides of your mouth frequently, so you don't even know how you feel .. yet, think you can make a statement about how he regards his own life.

You're such a loser ... I can't believe after everything you've written in here that we are still talking to you.

Posted by roxyfalcon2006

And his dependence on the marijuana. I know it's not physically addicting but he's definitely psychologically addicted to it.

Smoking a quarter a month isn't an addiction .... you fucking chucklefuck.

Jesus Christ .... you should probably try to think before you communicate with people.

Posted by roxyfalcon2006

.. i can be very blunt.

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... and very stupid

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by roxyfalcon2006

He treats me so well still.. this isn't a matter of how well he treats me. It's about his disregard for where his own life goes.

He's not the one in here complaining about where his life is going .... that would be you. You have an expectation about what you think his life should be and if he isn't living up to it, then you think you have a right to judge how he wants to live his life.

I can't believe you actually made the claim that you know how he regards his life ... when you speak out of both sides of your mouth frequently, so you don't even know how you feel .. yet, think you can make a statement about how he regards his own life.

You're such a loser ... I can't believe after everything you've written in here that we are still talking to you.

Posted by roxyfalcon2006

And his dependence on the marijuana. I know it's not physically addicting but he's definitely psychologically addicted to it.

Smoking a quarter a month isn't an addiction .... you fucking chucklefuck.

Jesus Christ .... you should probably try to think before you communicate with people.

Posted by roxyfalcon2006

.. i can be very blunt.

... and very stupid

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ahhh.... P-Angel, I missed you!

@roxy - every time you come on here you make yourself look more stupid. you are constantly told this... and you don't even care! wow 😕

I'm going to have to agree with P-Angel here....

You've been with this guy 3 months, and you are even CONSIDERING talking to him about his life path—
I can't even touch on how inappropriate that is. It's none of your business, especially given the fact you don't really give a shit about him except for the fact that HE treats YOU well.

For all the well-treating he does you, you're going to counter it with a "discussion" about his drive/motivation/path??

Oh my. Hand the guy his balls back and leave him alone...

On a side note.... I guess daddy-divorce-lawyer didn't teach you this...
You can't change people. And if you are in a relationship with someone, you are in it with them AS THEY ARE, not as you wish to make them.

You need a Ken doll from the sounds of it, not a boyfriend.

haha damn impulsive aries moon in me.... I have more to say still... (and yes I will regret some of my tone tomorrow, but my words still stand true).

At least with a Ken doll you can nix all the virgin talk - he's got no penis. I think I just solved your life.

@roxyfalcon: Honestly, I think you don't have any clue about what you want. You've been contradicting yourself many times. First you said you aren't ready to lose your virginity to him because you can't see yourself being with him in the long term due to his lack of motivation. But then you go back and say that you prefer a nice guy with NO ambition than a not-so-nice guy with ambition. So which one is true??

I think you need to rediscover yourself before making a decision. Personally I am very much like you. I cannot stand being with a guy with no ambition, because I am very ambitious myself. To sum it up I can foresee a future trouble if I am with a guy who lacks drive to be successful as our personality will definitely clash. Hence, I don't see any reason why I should even bother trying to get into a relationship with such guy, because it will be a waste of time and energy for both of us.

Good thing is that this world is not just black and white. The male population does not only consist of nice men who lack ambition and bad guys with ambition. There are actually some nice guys who strives to be successful, you know?

If you think you can accept a guy who treats you super nice but with no ambition, then obviously lack of motivation and drive is NOT a deal breaker for you. Why don't just go on a head with this Cancer guy then? But if it IS a deal breaker for you, then I'd suggest you don't waste both you and his time.

Posted by deezie
haha damn impulsive aries moon in me.... I have more to say still... (and yes I will regret some of my tone tomorrow, but my words still stand true).

At least with a Ken doll you can nix all the virgin talk - he's got no penis. I think I just solved your life.

lol.

At least with a Ken doll you can nix all the virgin talk - he's got no penis. I think I just solved your life.

I am a guy and I like sex. Damn Mars in Cancerrrrrr!

Yeah... I really don't know what I want but it's not like I haven't had time being alone and discovering myself... so I really don't know how I'll figure out what I want unless I get experience dating and pushing past that akward cold feet stage I always get. I'm not even going to respond to the blatantly mean comments below, I know who I am and that's all that matters. I just wish he didnt smoke all the time... I wouldn't mind if it was occasional but like everyday, even while you're nursing a sinus infection? That seems excessive. I dont know how to encourage him to pursue school without sounding like a mother. I think he wants to, but he's afraid.

"Men marry a woman hoping she'll never change, and women marry a man thinking she can change him."

Posted by ellybd
Whoa... This thread changed a lot since I last commented on it lol.

I never met an outwardly ambitious cancer in my life. And I've met a lot male and female. That's just normally not them. Passionate? Yeah. Hard-working? Yes when they start to mature. Ambitious? Nope. Nothing wrong with that though. That's not the type of person I would want to be with, and when I understood that it helped me get over a lot of my past issues. So don't be with someone if they don't want the same things as you but don't fault them for not being just like you either. Especially since you sound like you aren't sure about what you want, sexually, relationally, socially.

Exactly. My cancer has no idea what a great guy he is, which is why he doesn't have much ambition. But he always gets up at 6:30, keeps his house spotless, does whatever his family wants/needs whenever they need it, and does each job he's assigned perfectly whether he's being paid or not.

But he is a pessimist. He never thinks things are going to work out and he worries about every little thing. But it's fine because I am the exact opposite of that 😉. The longer were together the more he trusts my optimistic plans. It's not about changing him, it's about helping him grow into the man he is inside.

You seem to mind everything going on in his life ... Virgo trait.


YOu said you know who you are ... it's doubtful you even get that, much less own up to it because it doesn't look like you realize it's not your place to protest his life choices to even mind.

Haven't read any prior comments past page 4 but Roxy clearly he's not the one, everything you mentioned is something he has to change about himself and there isn't much you can do about his lack of ambition and drug addiction and as far as sex it's your body and you are entitled to give it to whomever you want to give it to and if he's not the person you want to give your body to then so be it.

From what you've mentioned he's been super nice to you and that's always a plus, so maybe it's time to consider cutting loose the guy and moving on, you really don't see a future with him from what I've read from your prior post so why drag it on, if your sticking around just b/c he treats you like a queen on a throne well I can see how seductive that can be but it's really up to you to see past that and make a firm decision about your future.

IMO not having sex with him gave you the clarity you needed to make some hard decisions or to at least think about your life with him, not having sex gave you an ample enough time to remain grounded, cognitive of the relationship and slightly emotionally detached so you could see and think clearly beyond all the love and sex stuff, so many women are having sex with men that they probably wouldn't even be with had they waited to get to know and understand him better, so many women find themselves with men that don't have there shit together, mama's boys, jerks or undercover jerks etc b/c they don't take the necessary steps and time to get to know how and who a man is and how that will relate over to her and her life, many end up not leaving despite all the personality defects because she's no longer able to cognitively judge things accurately b/c she's attached so they end complaining a lot. I feel you took your time and really are making some very wise choices and decisions about your life.

Whatever you choose to do will be fine, you're doing the right thing.

Posted by P-Angel
You seem to mind everything going on in his life ... Virgo trait.


YOu said you know who you are ... it's doubtful you even get that, much less own up to it because it doesn't look like you realize it's not your place to protest his life choices to even mind.

that's where your wrong. I DO realize it's not my place, which is why I don't protest his life choices to him. I haven't talked to him about it at all, his choices bother me but I don't think it would be appropriate for me to do that.

tiki33, thank you for being so nice. despite what p-angel and others say about me on here, I am actually pretty smart and cautious. Yes I overanalyze everything but it's only to protect myself. I know that I'm naive, I won't deny that, but given that I know my own naivety helps me to look at things and think about whether I'm being naive or not. hard to explain. Anyways, I'm still trying to figure out my feelings for him. I talked to his friend last night and he said that his brother kind of twisted stories around a bit to make my boyfriend look worse than he actually is. Apparently he did finish his high school requirements recently but he has to take upgrading classes or something before he can go to college (it's a Canadian thing). I just assumed when he said he was taking a class that it was to FINISH high school.. again, his friend could be mistaken too, I don't know. His friend also said that he's told him he needs to quit pot.. and I guess he's quit before but gone back to it when he's been stressed. And his father did just die, so obviously he's gonna be doing it to relieve his stress, even if he wasn't that close to him. I think I was a little too quick to turn on him and it's because I always get scared when someone gets attached to me. I have an independent nature (despite wanting people's opinion all the time).. I wouldn't even want a pet even though I love animals because I know I want to be free to travel around a lot and see the world. So having an "attachment" tends to scare me and I've always ended things and somewhat regretted it later, never let myself push past that point and try sticking it out. So I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and see what he ends up doing about school and stuff, I'll talk to him about cutting back the pot use, and if he doesn't make some progress after a few months I'll know he probably isn't someone I should keep dating.