Ugh!! Why do I care so much?!

So I have been off/on with a cancer since last December. He wanted to take it TOO slow IMO and I decided to let him go because I didn't want to be used. He would ask to see me about 4 out of the 7 days in a week (including weekends), so that wasn't a problem - it was him saying he wasn't stable enough for a commitment that was - even though he was with me every weekend. Anyway, I stopped seeing him for about 5 months. During this time he called just about every single friday and saturday leaving messages begging me to pick up the phone - I did not. I told him after the first call I couldn't see him anymore and I meant it. He said he wanted to date, but take it slow. I said I was done.

Fast forward to last month - I saw him out and for the first time in about 5 months I gave in and hung out with him. It seems no matter how many dates I have or how long I stay away from Cancer, nothing compares to him and I eventually cave 😢

I saw one of his friends Friday night - I have only met him 1 other time back when we used to hang out. HIS friends started coming up to me to hit on me and Cancer's friend said back off, she's Cancer's girl. WTF?! I guess Cancer has talked about me some or he surely wouldn't have said that - cancer wasn't even there.

I saw cancer yesterday and out of the blue (I definitely did not ask or say anything about the "L" word) he said "I would fall in love with you if you didn't smoke" WTF?! He had a friend die of lung cancer a few years back and he said he watched him die and it was awful - now for my question - would that scare a cancer enough to hold him back from a relationship? He said the exact same thing when we were seeing each other last year, so I can't help but wonder if that really is what is bothering him so much.

I am just STILL trying to figure out if this cancer cares about me. His actions sure show he does (he begged me to stay home with him today and not go to work), it's his words of "i'm not stable enough to be with someone right now" that make me think he doesn't care. HELP!

I really wish I could get this guy outta my head!!!! He says he feels the same way about me - then why not be together - WTF?!

What would make him want to be with you and hold back....smoking and lung cancer. The two themselves...not so much, but the fact that those things would lead to you leaving him. This is just my opinion based on my experience, but Cancer's seem to have this fear of abandonment and rejection that they cant shake. They won't move forward until the fear is calmed. They're pretty comfy with sticking about going in circles until its calmed, but they wont really move forward until its taken care of.

help, of course he cares about you but you are not listening to what he is saying. he said lets take things slow and see what happens. but your impatience is causing him to be fearful cause he is scared to jump into something fast and have it not work out. we take our time in things we are trying to feel out. so i think it is year fear of being used or being played that is the issue. i don't see any harm in taking your time to get to know someone and make absolutely sure they are the one for you..maybe it is because i am a cancer..lol

sorry meant your fear :-)

help, of course he cares about you but you are not listening to what he is saying. he said lets take things slow and see what happens. but your impatience is causing him to be fearful cause he is scared to jump into something fast and have it not work out. we take our time in things we are trying to feel out. so i think it is year fear of being used or being played that is the issue. i don't see any harm in taking your time to get to know someone and make absolutely sure they are the one for you..maybe it is because i am a cancer..lol

This is the BEST advice. This is just how Cancer men role. But in my opinion, if he is not stable enough for a relationship, then I would not be willing to give myself to him so freely( not sexually, anyways).

I understand wanting to take things slow, hell I've been divorced, so I'm not looking into rushing into anything to quickly either. BUT after 4 months dating every weekend shouldn't you at least know if you want a COMMITMENT to see where it may be headed? That was my problem because not wanting that made me feel he didn't care and that he just wanted to be a bachelor. Does it really take them THAT long to decide if they want to be your man? I do know that he gets very jealous of ME though if guys talk to me at parties, etc. So why not just make it official?

Now I don't know WHAT to do after last night. He was asking me repeatedly to stay in bed with him today and not go to work, but I have a deadline and couldn't stay home. I made the mistake of sleeping with him last night - I had been doing so well too!! Why do we have this crazy passion I just can't say no to?!! I've never had that problem!

anything *too quickly - sorry HATE that typo and had to fix. lol

Thanks for any help you can give me guys - appreciate it! 🙂

help i can see your dilemma now. yeah it is hard being in limbo when one person wants something and the other isn't sure. it was like that with my last virgal and unfortunately we were at two different places in our lives so i ended up breaking up with her cause we went back and forth and i just got tired of the bull. again i think i went off on a tangent but to get back on track i am at a point in my life where i like taking things slow. not sure your cancers background but i have been truly hurt in my life. once when i got divorced and the last virgal. so unfortunately the new virgal who i have been dating for about 4 months is paying the price for me going really slow. when we cancers get hurt it takes us a while to heal our wounds. do i wish i could heal faster of course but that isn't how it works with me. yes maybe that is just me holding on to some of the pain but it takes me a while to work through it. i have been open and honest with the new virgal and she knows where i am coming from. i know she is looking for more but i can't give that right now. we communicate all the time on where we stand and i am not dating anyone else but i am also far from calling us exclusive although it appears that way. like i said we have to feel comfortable and we do things on our time..

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond Cansir 🙂 So in your opinion it does not mean he just wants to play the field and isn't truly interested in me? Also, any advice on what I should do? Typically I would start running right about now because *I* have been badly hurt too and don't want that again either 🙂

I definitely won't be initiating anything with him (I never really have), but when he calls (and I know it's comin' lol) what should I do? See him - back off again? What? Thanks!! 🙂

LOL!
Girl, I bet we are talking about the same MAN! WE HAVE to be talking about the same one. Except with the Cancer man I was about to get with, I played more into not wanting him to be my man, he wanted to commit. As, I accepted the fact that he wanted to commit, he starting saying he was scared. So, I just let him be scared and go ahead ON. I really just don't fall into to much of the category of being a sexual contact. IN MY OPINION, if he doesn't tell me upfront that he wants to be in a relationship, then I am not with that I don't know if I am ready to commit BS! Either, you want me or you don't. I cannot see myself letting a man test drive me just to see if he wants me. NOPE! Not me, but that is just MY opinion.

The going out, and being jealous ALL apply. He would tell me he wanted a committed relationship, but when you see him out, he wants to be single. OK, be single, I am going to be single too. He can be single out but in he wants to be committed. Talk about the master of mixed signals. He would see you out with someone and then get really jealous. How can you be jealous if you are not my man. I don't know about these men. I will rather take it slow.

I FEEL you girl, giving away my sex and comfort too me without him producing his part will make me feel like I am being used.

Don't listen to ME! But, I would back off that sexual contact. NO! NO! If he is unemployed or he is having financial difficulties, I would just be there for him if he needed me for something. Give, Give, love but do it from the goodness of your own heart. And NO, I don't want Di-- for my kindness either.

help, i think you need to answer your question. you know what you can take and you know what you deserve. you also, know what you want from him. i think you already know the answer but fear keeps you where you are at..i keep telling ppl on this board that communication is key but it seems like old habits of running and chasing and game playing is all that is done. if you truly want to connect with someone you have to be willing to open yourself up even a little. that also goes for just being friends. i think you just need to be true to yourself and sit him and down and lay it out there if you have not already. let him know how you feel about him and that you are scared to and don't want to be used. one thing about a cancer is we do listen and we can empathize..we know when you are being true and sincere or if you are just blowing smoke up our butts..

krobe - He is employed, but does have some money troubles - I think that's the basis for his "not stable" talk. What's funny though is my Cancer follows me around like a puppy dog when I see him out LOL That makes it even MORE confusing because he will kiss me/hold me, etc. in public and in front of all of his friends. Even if we didn't have plans that night and just see each other out. What is up with that?! Thanks for your responses!

Cansir - I can't thank you enough for your help - it's great to get a Cancer's perspective. I did tell him I was starting to have feelings for him when I stopped seeing him the FIRST time. I said I couldn't see him anymore because I was going to get hurt since he didn't want a relationship. I said I didn't wanna be an FB. That's when he said we weren't FBs, that we were DATING. Sooo I gave it another couple of months and that is when I decided no more - I figured by then he should know if he wanted something with me or not. So what now? Just go back to ignoring him and try to get him out of my head? Should I try dating him again? I really don't know what to do, but I DO know I care about this man tremendously. I am not one to go back - once I'm done I'm DONE but with him I just can't seem to stay away and apparently, he can't either! Help!

i will say that when a cancer is not secure in one area of our life it affects all areas..

I think Cansir is right and I have thought about doing the same thing. Yes, right now I am in ignore mode, because if he is scared, I don't want to pressure him or force anything on him. You cannot convince a person to love you know matter how much you try.

In your case, you should sit him down and tell him that you have feelings for him. It is NOT Ok for him to run in and out of your life until he decides what he wants. DO you even know if he is seeing someone else at this moment? Tell him that you are human and you have feelings too. That is why in MY OPINION I would have told him this before we had sex. I just don't consider myself a used car. I want a commitment, you want sex its a fair trade.

I suggest, and it is ONLY a suggestion,
Tell him you can understand that he is a man and he will need his space and his thinking time and sometimes he may be engaged in other things or people other than you. That is NORMAL, but you cannot continue to have feelings for a man and give him permission to run in and out of your life. Those are your beliefs and if your beliefs are too hard for him to abide by, then let him go until he is ready.

I can ONLY suggest, but you could also tell him that trust is important to you. You want him to show you with his actions instead of words. I don't know about you help but this move slow shit is for the birds. I have heard comments from others and I have heard them state that Sag's, Leo's and Aries give our hearts and our generosity away too freely enough for other people to relate too. It just seems too good to be real that we are givers and we don't expect too much in return. I have read other beliefs, and they feel as something giving away so freely is not worth waiting for, we appear just to easy, it's like what do you have to prove.

Let him call the shots. I would let him call the shots, I would be there for him if he needed me. If he ever needed a place to lay his head to collect his thoughts, if he ever wanted a plate of food, if he just ever needed your emotional support. I would just be there for him. But, NO I would not give him casual sex. No! I just wouldn't sell myself short like that. Nope, not me. I would continue to tell him that my sex is reserved for a relationship and I don't want to wear myself out with someone who is just sampling.

It is not the insecurities of fear getting in the way, this is just MY belief that things that come so easily are not worth working hard for. Don't be too easy!

I believe she is saying, she just wants him to TELL her that they are in a relationship, instead of her ASSUMING that they are in one. Just my guess. She is saying she feels used because the man wants to be single, and move slow and she is worried about her feelings that she has for him and taking the risk of being hurt.

I can relate to LK, what do you want? What do you call a commitment? I don't know I call a commitment, and its JUST KROBE, a man going to work and coming home to me on a daily basis. Is that what you want Help?

Thank you cansir. I guess from what you are saying then, what he said to me could really be true - instead of it being an excuse for not being interested.

krobe - Well just for the record, HE didn't come in and out of my life - *I* stopped seeing him - he continued to call for quite awhile. He has never stopped seeing me on his own. I decided it every time and every time he protested. Then again, I have to keep making that decision because I'm not getting what I want from him!!! Sooo I cut and run lol Too bad I can't keep my resolve!! I was so proud because I hadn't seen him (other than in public and then I was cordial and would move on) in quite some time - even with all of his calls. The bad thing is, I was STILL wanting him and thinking about him. Maybe I really have fallen for this guy. sigh 😢

Yeah, I don't sleep with a guy until there's a commitment either - he was an extreme exception. It had been about 8 months since I'd had any and it was my birthday party....guess I gave myself a little present lol and 10 months later I am STILL confused by it all! Hence why I won't ever do that crap again and was right not doing it before lol

I did stop having sex with him even before I stopped seeing him. I told him exactly what you suggested and he said he was guarded, not stable blah, blah and I said that whatever the reason, I wanted something real and wouldn't have sex with anyone until I got it. Well, we do hang in similar circles and though I kept my distance for the most part, I just couldn't take it anymore and said I couldn't even see him. He wanted to continue to be around me - kept calling - saying he did care that he just had his guard up because of his past hurts and how I do mean something to him blah, blah ad nauseaum blah lol Drunk every time though of course! Well then about a month ago, it had once again been too damn long since I had any (he was my last - been on lots of dates but haven't even wanted to kiss anyone lol) and I saw him out and I caved - but I was thinking why does it have to empower HIM - why can't *I* just want some and call the shots. When he was talking about hanging out that day/night I said I couldn't and left pretty quickly. What gets me is his actions say he DOES care - it's his words that worryme.

Oh shoot a few of my friends are here now ringing the bell - gotta cut this short - even though I rambled lnog enough anyway lol Thanks guys! Anymore input is appreciated. 🙂

well he says they are dating. ok, so they are not engaged or married. dating seems to be an apt description.

Ok, but it is dating and casual sex and I don't agree with that. Again, it's just my opinion, but can anyone on here help ME out, do people date and sleep together? I think he would have to tell me he was my man too. I mean he is saying with her 4 days out of the week, having sex, and eating my food and you won't even say you are my man. Nope! LOL! I would feel used too.

I meant staying with her.

Well, Help you heard me say it. Cancer men are the Kings of giving you mixed signals. I would have let him know UPFRONT what you said, about the not wanting to be a sexual contact. That would have been the FIRST thing that came out of my mouth. I don't consider myself a sexual contact and let him skip on me at that point. He would have come back around to you eventually, esp if you didn't give him what he wanted.

I don't know, I know a few SAG and Cancer matches who last. They were never married.

Yeah, I feel you Leokitten, I don't like sharing, and I don't like just been a sexual contact. I can feel you on that HELP! I share your belief of feeling to vulnerable.

"I did stop having sex with him even before I stopped seeing him." I read thru this post but confused. Hard to have sex without seeing him, now ain't it? There are some intelligent posts here, but?

First HELP, answer the freakin' phone!!

Second help get off the computer, get outside, go for a walk on the beach, enjoy the fall weather!!

Third, divorced people are going to be much more cautious... DUH?

Fourth, Krobe, you do have intelligent words, help heed them...

Last... Cansir is the man. What he says is dead nuts on Cancer Men!

Whoops, good luck "help", I'm rooting for you!