Question for Cansir!

Thanks for your advice....

Do you have any other tips for me....I seem to have gotten myself into a box and am having a hard time getting out of it without losing some self-respect....

I think you are right and he is looking to open the lines of communication but I am from what I see in a no win situation....damned if I do and damned if I don't....I don't want to loss my self respect or for him to lose any respect for me....and being a aries my feelings are written all over my face...its pretty hard for me to hide what I am feeling....

I think you are right.....I can be sarcastic in a funny way and that could ease the tension we have between us.....

Its such a fine line to tread between being a challenge and giving in....any other tips on how to handle you would be greatly appreciated....

Oh and Cansir.....

He is looking for a long term committment and I have seen him with one girl but again they show no emotion no touching no smiling no nothing and he is on plenty of fish....

I know you would only be quessing but what is up with that?

You men are so hard to figure out...and you know us women we like to analysis everything especially when we don't have a clue as to what is going on lol

What da hell is plenty fish? Salmon perhaps,lol or may be TUNNNNNAAA da chicken of da sea

Its a free dating service on the web!

....I don't want to loss my self respect or for him to lose any respect for me..

not sure what you mean by the statement above. is it because he has a girlfriend? if you go at him like a friend and make small talk to help loosen him up he will be alert to that. we can pick up on what people might be feeling and if he gets the sense that you are friendly and cool then i am sure he will reciprocate. don't act like you want more from him than just trying to get to know him. also, he is probably with the one girl becuase he feels comfortable with her. we are cancers so we like people, objects, or whatever from our past. we don't get rid of something until we are ready so he might just be hanging on to her while something better comes along..we are guys first..lol

lol Krobe you are so wrong@ until something better comes along!!

It was the same way with my cancer friend. We met while I was still in and out with my ex and he stuck around as a great friend and confidant. As soon as the opportunity presented itself he stepped up and took the chance. I was worth the wait to him at that time and now he's worth the wait for me.

Cheeky-

Cansir is absolutly correct. A little tactful play and a short exchange? If he is unhappy or has many fish on the line, don't worry?

You seem fascinated, he will pick up on this quick.

If you catch his fancy, you can steal his heart easy. You will not have to worry about what's in his wake. He will stand with you like a trooper!!

Thanks for your suggestions....its just so hard cause I like him so much and I am sure it is written all over my face....I don't know how to react so I just freeze up and end up looking like a cold blanket....

I think he is still interested or he wouldn't be trying to keep making contact....he seems to be feeling me out and I can see something in his eyes like he is trying to tell me something but I don't know what to do...

I guess I just figure since I had made the first move (I asked him out and he asked why....I said because I like you? and then he asked if I wanted a yes or no answer or could he get back to me...and I said sure you can get back to me and he never did and I didn't call him on it) I am really shy cause I don't know I think he is kicking himself cause he never apologized he just said that he causes his own problems....is that a apology....I don't know and now I am afraid to stick my head out of the whole cause he will break my heart again and I will just end up looking like an even bigger fool)

There seems to be something happening and something there I just need to find away to make it more friendly and get over this awkward silence stuff...

I guess I could make a face and laugh or crack a joke and see what happens from there...if I bump into him again I think I will say something like gee if I knew you were going to be here we could have car pooled to save money or something like that...

I know cancers are shy and move slow but he is a man does he not have needs or does he move slow with all woman or is it jus the ones he sees a future with...

Thanks for your help....being slowly driven insane by love lol

Cheeky,
He moves slow, however, once he is interested in you and he has figured out his fears and confusion, you better watch out girl because he is not taking NO for an answer. LOL!

Do you think he is trying to figure it out in his head....maybe he is also trying to figure out where this other girl stands....

Krobe do you think there is a chance from what I describe? or am I just fooling myself and living in a fantasy world?

I used to be just like you were. Let my ego get in the way. Those intense feelings hurt really bad inside and personally, It feels good, but it hurts to the point where if something does not happen really fast, the feeling makes you sick. LOL!

Cheeky,
If you want to be with a Cancer man, you have to put down your ego. Period! You have to disarm his fears and the only way you are going to do that is submit. LOL! Yeah, I know it is hard to do, but do you want him or do you want to continue wondering about him?

Girl, he is very, very warm and loving in that shell. You have a chance but you are way too guarded. You have to be very vulnerable for love without holding nothing back. He wants your heart, body, mind and soul, its 100% or nothing. You have to be vulnerable and yes, that means kiss ass. It is worth it though, I mean you will recieve all the atteniton and love you could ever want.

I misspelled attention, but once he is in love with you, girl, it is like dayum, this man loves me.

Look, if you want this guy just show him your freaking big crab tits! OLAY!

LOL! Yeah, this might work out if you want him to fall in love.

Yes I have heard they are breast men.....I don't usually show much clevage....but maybe its times to pull out the big guns!!!! lol

yes we do like boobies so that it is a great start :-)

Yeah, he will tell you to pull of your shirt first. LOL!

so sarcasim and breasts should do the trick.....I have been trying to give him back exactly what he gives me....and its like a stale mate....so clevage it is

dam why do you cancer men have to make things so difficult....

how long can this dance go on....

lol 25th. They're like that cheeky....and boy if it aint frustrating.

It takes a while, but he will come out and be very possessive so watch out.

atleast he wants a long term relationship...the cancerian I'm interested in does not want any long relationships....apparently he fears marriage...strange....

25th thanks for opening this board up to tits..lol.
sarasa he must have been hurt before since i can say i fear marriage and this is still 4 years after my divorce..

Hey guys! Just saying whats up to everyone. Sorry Cheeky, not trying to high jack your thread...jusy wanted to say hi!

No problem maianm....

So cansir it takes a long time for old wounds to heal?

I know the cancer guy I am interested in was never married but he did live with someone....I don't know how long they were together but I do know it ended and lawyers were involved and his dad helped him get out....he ended up keeping the house and paying her off...

So I guess he is a little gun shy and I think thats it been 3-4 yrs.....on plentyoffish he is indicated that he is looking for a long term relationship....but really who knows....like I said before he once kidded that he was looking for a wife ....or a maid......the only other thing I do know is that he comes from a very tight knit family and his parents are still together....his older sister is seperated or divorced and has moved back in with the parents....If I were a betting person he is looking for what his parents have....(though I don't know if its a good marriage or a bad one?)

So cansir....what would make you take that step even though you are gun shy and not over your divorce....would it be finding your soul mate or a love like you've never known...

I know you cancers believe in fate and destiny....and are romantics.....do you still believe in love even after you've been gutted by someone who supposedly loved you?

Curious....want to find out what makes you guys tick lol

Some Cancer men are just addicted to painful relationships.

Cheeky girrlll with the Cancer men you have to be patient...and more importantly allow them to kinda chase you. If they want you they will come after you! It seems like they actually enjoy the chase.

Hayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Maiiiiiiiii, how have you been

SF!!!!!!! I have been really good!!! How are you!?!?!

The cancerian I know, has had issues with his family for a while now. May be that's why he fears marriage....apparently, he's neither "emotionally" or financially secure to think about anyone btu himself.....I thought that was just a regular guy thing....and not specific to cancerians....any thoughts?? we are very good friends though🙂 and I value that a lot🙂...

"it takes a long time for old wounds to heal?"
this question depends on how long and how in love we were with that person. i have dated and been with many women but i can honestly say i have only been in love twice in my 36 years. we are just so untrusting of ppl and it takes us a long time to open our hearts and feel safe. we don't like to feel hurt and pain cause we feel it so deeply and it lingers with us for a long time. so we would rather not deal with that kind of rejection. another thing is we are so cautious cause when we do decide to lay it out there we lay it all out there.

"So cansir....what would make you take that step even though you are gun shy and not over your divorce....would it be finding your soul mate or a love like you've never known..."
good question and i wish i knew the answer..lol. one thing is i am over my divorce and in fact my exwife and i are really good friends now. i just fear making the same mistake twice and getting hurt again. the last girl i was with i knew better than to let myself get deeply involved with but i did. i let my heart take over when i should have used my mind. but i did learn a lot of lessons but am a lot more cautious now which in turn isn't fair to the new girl i am with but she understands seeing how she has been through the same things. so we are taking things really slow and seeing what happens. so to truly answer your question i guess i couldn't say until i was in a situation in which i had to choose. i am sure this didn't help answer your question.

Cansir, when you say move slow and see where things go..does that come with the propensity to deny what's happening because you aren't ready to embrace it or do you really go with something when your mind and heart agree?

the problem i usually have is getting my mind and heart to agree on the same thing. i always have some sort of doubt about something in the back of my mind. yes that stems from my own insecurities and is a defense mechanism to justify getting out of a situation if i feel things are not going the way i would like. i also move slow cause i study the person i am with. i like to see how they react to different situations and to see if who they are presenting themselves as is truly who they are and that takes time. this is why i find it so hard to commit cause ppl aren't always who they seem to be and if you aren't who i thought you were then yes i will eventually weed you out..lol

What is I am a sincere impatient person that gets offended when I am taken lightly, distrusted, or my words are taken cynically and skeptically. I know you cant force someone to trust you, but my feelings are hurt that someone who is supposed to be so intuitive and able to so easily read people cannot see that I am sincere and trustworthy.

what if*

sf i am sure he sees and feels that but like i said his insecurities are probably more powerful and hold him back. when we are secure and feeling you then there is nothing holding us back. we will come at full force. but being impatient and offended will not go very far with a cancer. we can feel that negativity and if you are not willing to wait and help make us feel secure then we will never open up to you. like i said we take our time and do things when we are ready. we can be aloof or act uncaring but in reality we know what is going on and just protecting ourselves.

If he just told me he needs time and help to feel secure I would give it to him. Im a taurus and I think we essentially need 3 things; stability, security, and reassurance....and you'd be surprised how a little goes a long way. I understand he needs time in a general sense but I need to feel like he needs it specifically from me regarding this situation or I will remain afraid that Im trying to give him something he doesnt even want and of rejection and really....that fear of being rejected makes me want to run even while I do want him. I sent him some lyrics to Bob Marleys "Waiting in Vain"..."I dont want to wait in vain for your love" and his reply was "its not like that I've just been busy"....how about a good response would have been "you are" or "you arent". I can wait, but not if I dont know it's for a definite purpose. There's no purpose in waiting for something that has no chance of happening.

sf then why don't you just ask him point blank what he wants from yalls relationship and what he wants from you. don't try to guess what he is thinking so in order to eliminate any confusion..communicate by asking him. but the key to asking is to make sure you ask when he is feeling good and comfortable and what i mean by comfortable is somewhere familiar that he enjoys going to, we like our homey surroundings. i am just telling you this cause it sounds like you are scared to approach him and ask him what he is feeling cause you might piss him off. well no reason to be afraid if you approach him in a noncofrontational and open way..

I have tried but I guess the "while he's comfortable" is most important. Frankly I dont think he's very comfortable with me. He acts really nervous and shy when we hang out. I mean he has moments of assertion, but overall he just seems nervous and shy. I feel what you're saying tho so I'll try to wait for a better time to approach him than the times I have been. I was thinking about it and I think Im missing it in that I may have a demanding tone when I should be more indifferent about it like "when you get a chance just let me know how you feel about me and what you want from our relationship, I'd appreciate it". what do you think?

don't use "when you get a chance"..we are cancers and we can wait that question out until eternity. we might never find a chance if we know it might cause confrontation..lol. no you need to keep your direct manner but come at him in a more light hearted fun way. we want you to take the pressure off of us so we can relax and be more comfortable. we are so busy dealing with our feelings all day sometimes we just want to hang without the pressure of dealing with someone elses too. go out have drinks and leave what you want at home..tell him that you value him as a person, enjoy having him in your life, and you are willing to give him what he needs but he needs to help you know what that is. the key to this is stop putting to much pressure on him but more importantly yourself..sometimes we want something so bad that we usually end up losing it all cause we don't take a step back and relax..take it from as i have done that more times than i care to count..we have to learn to give the ppl in our lives and relationships what they need not what we need..

You're right I'll do that.

Cansir you are the man!!! I swear!! LOL. But everything you are saying is true.

I am sure you guys remember my situation with my Cancer. Well, I completely stepped away. I was scared as hell that he would not come after me?but he did. I stopped calling and initiating contact and us spending time and he began to court me aggressively. Before he went on his cruise in the beginning of August he was saying stuff like ?are you going to cheat on me? etc?.in a joking manner. But I knew he wasn't joking. And we are not even in a relationship so there is no such thing as cheating. Anyway, when he got back from his cruise he called me immediately and wanted to see me. He started asking to see me every 2-3 days. But then about 2 weekends ago he kinda backed away. I think he got scared. I think he felt himself falling and backed away. But I didn't chase him. I gave him his space. And he came back around. He is going through so more family drama, this time with his father and brother. On Friday, he called me to come over and confided in me about how hurt he was over the whole situation and he how had broke down down sobbing like a ?little boy?, earlier that day. And then he went on to tell me how much he appreciates me and how beautiful I am and what a good job my parents did raising me and how much I mean to him?..

So at this point, I know that he cares and I know that we have made definite progress. But?..I am just scared that he will never make the next step for a commitment.

I have to ask?.Cansir what do you think? Do you think I should continue my complete hands off approach or change it up?

maianm i say continue what you are doing. it is obviously working so i say stick to what works. he is letting you in slowly so don't hit fast forward and start pressuring him and conjuring up all these things in your brain. i think he likes the pace yall have so just keep going with it. he still has a lot going on so respect that. when he needs a break from that it seems like he seeks you for solace so that is a good thing. one thing i will say is that it is probably a little safer to get a little bit closer to him but don't over do it..see we don't like pressure and can feel when we are being pressured and that usually makes us run away and hide..calm and cool usually does the trick with us :-)

oh and yes we do hide a lot of fears by joking around..but we do also like to laugh. pay attention to your cancers jokes cause there is a lot of truth to them and yes he might be fishing for something from you..

Sounds great Mai. I was wondering what happened with you so I could get some insight. I think I've been coming at him with too much pressure. I'll back off. I actually talked with him since my last post, he called me (imagine that, I never thought that would happen again) and he seemed really relaxed I asked him why he hadn't reply and he said he hadn't had time, he was just on and off of his email so I told him in a joking manner that we would have to make time to get on the same page. He said cool and we moved on with the conversation. It ended well and he said he would talk with me later. Thanks Cansir.

good for you sf..now just let nature take over and you just go with the flow..remember that everything works out how it should in the end so no need forcing anything :-)

thats a good point Ill definitely try to remember that

Youre right Cansir. I am going to continue what I am doing.

And yes SF, I completely backed off I think I have called my Cancer 2-3 times since mid July. But we talk almost everyday, and its because he calls me. Nad I have not brough up us seeing each other and we have spent more time together than ever. I do not want himto think that I am waiting on him in order to enjoy my life. I elt him know that i have a life and friends outside of him. Infact, he just called. LOL. Hes a sweetie!

Ohh I forgot to tell you guys he is taking me to NYC for my bday next month...and I am going to meet up with LS while I am out there, isnt that funny!!!!

Thanks Cansir....

Ok so I think I am starting to get it....its just hard for me....I haven't seen him now for a week and a bit....can't blame him as I haven't made it easy for him either....stupid pride...

Cansir and others do you think it would be wise for me to contact him? I had mentioned last summer that I had tons of apples and was having trouble getting rid of them...he mentioned that he would have taken them to feed the deer....do you think if I call him out of the blue and say something like gee the last time I saw you it dawned on me that I have these apples and you had mentioned you would take them....or something to that effect...it would totally catch him off guard (could be a good thing could be a bad thing) and see where it goes from there?

Should I or shouldn't I, its not really chasing him its just showing some friendliness and interest!

Let me know what you think....I am on the fence...

I talked with a female cancer today and she actually thinks I should, she said that if he was uninterested or threw with me he wouldn't even try to make contact or give me the time of day!

sure why not contact him and tell him you have some extra apples and wanted to see if he wanted them. but just be friendly and the most important thing is to do it without any expectations. it is when we have expectations that we get disappointed..

Cheeky, Cansir-

I was going to try to pop on here and help? Why bother, heed Cansir's words? He is so spot on with us Cancers there is nothing else to SAY...

Well done Brother!!

Good to hear from the guys!! M😆ave

Yeah, I have to agree with Cancer. If you do something, do it from your heart and don't expect nothing in return for your giving nature. Just do it and don't expect anything in return.