Why can't I just let go?

I have been with my cancer boyfriend for a year and a half now. From the beginning there has been issues, I got passed that and continued to stay. I have always been the understanding woman, who would always be there for him when he needed me; However it is not the same in return. I am an easy woman to please, I am a cancer myself so cuddles, love letters, e-mails etc. puts a smile on my face and makes me feel good. I don't ask of much, and I mean that literally.Now there were times when I felt I needed him the most, and he was not there for me; I feel that he is completely comfortable with the relationship because in the beginning we used to spend time together, go out, and just enjoy each other's companyl Our sex life was ongoing. Now I see him and have sex with him once a week, and while he's ok with it. I am not, and feel that it has to be someone else. I know that this is not right for me, and that I deserve way better. I should be with someone who understands being in a relationship is 50/50 and requires some form of sacrifice and comprimise, in which he still does not understand; It's all about him, everything is supposed to go with his program and when it does he is satisfied. Right now I have a really cool male friend, in which I have known for quite some time, and he is all that I wish my boyfriend could be. And even he feels that I am settling, and that I deserve better. I just don't get how everyone else enjoys and longs to be in my company, and can see all the great qualities that I have and my boyfriend don't see it. At the end of the day he could care less. Now temptation to cheat has come my way countless amount of times and I just cannot do it. Although I yearn for attention and affection, since I am not getting it from my significant other it feels good to get it else where just can't take myself to the physical aspect of it. When I come in contact with those of the opposite sex I automatically feel guilty. What is wrong with me? I still don't understand what is keeping me here with my cancerian man. Why can't I pull myself away when I know I deserve so much more. It's sad to say that everything in my life I feel great about, but when it comes to him I am not so jolly. When I talk to him on the phone I feel down, because I feel he just will not get it. No matter how much I talk it won't sink in. Now when I use to leave him alone he was always quick to come running wanting to give me all the love and affection then back to normal.

he's a challenge for you, everyone else wants it and he doesn't so your on the chase and basically have been put into the convincer role, I'm going to keep convincing you how desirable I am until you yield to me and he isn't going to yield, he doesn't have to because your no longer a challenge for him, he has your mind, body and soul, you have played all your cards, showed your hand and he is no longer interested in you, so now your emotionally and physically tied up, your drawing men in that can't have you and they want you...guess why? Your a challenge, your a mystery, your desirable because of this and they want it but your boyfriend has it so he's on to someone he can play with and your holding your cards and still showing your hand.

Basically you need to BACK ALL THE WAY UP, stop hooking up, stop calling, stop coming around, stop playing into his game, you have to let go so he can build up the momentum to come chasing again...oh it can be turned around in your favor but its all about what your willing to do to get it that way, this takes alot of mental stamina, because everything your going to have to do is going to be the opposite of what 95% of the woman do, your going to have to put on your cool cap and play the game.

You have been conquered sweety, simple as that, your not alluring nor a mystery, their is no intrigue and you haven't gotten into this guys pysche to stimulate him into chasing you and wanting you, your an open book and he's not interested, yes there is someone else but she isn't nagging, whining, complaining, bitching, moaning, asking too many questions of why and more why's, she's being everything your not....this doesn't mean he wants her per say, he's just chasing b/c its a man's nature to do that, he loves you but he has you and thats not fun, your too young to let a man have your whole heart so always gaurd it, never play all your cards and never let a man think he has all of you even if he does, also if he doesn't want to do the things you like to do then do it by yourself without him, show him you don't need him in order to be happy, he will pick up on this and stop being so dayum selfish. You have taught him to treat you like this by not mindfully watching how you are in this relationship, so now you have to wake up and put your game face on, this is crucial or he's going to continue to behave in a way that will keep you in the convincer role and keep you emotionally frustrated.

that hooking up once a week crap has put you in the role of booty call or the the girl he calls upon when he's bored with everyone else...your relationship is swimming backwards, you should never had even played that game, he's trying to categorize your relationship, your attitude should have been, oh hell to the no you don't, call me when my boyfriend shows up, he would have straightened up or got the hell on, never play that game with a man.

Its time to flip the script on that ass...

krobe please jump in on this lol!

Er um...these are some pretty long questions and responses.

So I will definitely try to be short and to the point. He is your boyfriend correct? First tell him how you feel and if he doesn't change his tune. Then you change yours. Don't call him, Don't visit, Don't do a doggone thing. This will show you where his head and heart really lies.

Do not tolerate cheating. Not trying to be funny but you guys have been in a relationship for over a year so I know condom usage is out the window. If you feel like he is cheating I suggest you politely call to his attention that disease does not have a face and it would be lovely if you both could and would remain disease free...

I will help. I want everyone else 2 put the comments in they have learned from me first. Let others help out Tikki.

Iluvmecancer,

"I know that this is not right for me, and that I deserve way better. I should be with someone who understands being in a relationship is 50/50 and requires some form of sacrifice and comprimise, in which he still does not understand; It's all about him, everything is supposed to go with his program and when it does he is satisfied. Right now I have a really cool male friend, in which I have known for quite some time, and he is all that I wish my boyfriend could be. And even he feels that I am settling, and that I deserve better."

Girl, u know what u need to do. If he does not have the qualities that you want in a man, then why continue on. Leave him and get with this "friend" of yours that seems to be more of what you are looking for, and if that doesnt work out, then you'll find someone eventually. I'm not sure if u expressed ur feelings to him but i'm sure u have, and there has been no change. I think its time to throw in the towel....and i think u know this already. i know it sucks girl, but do what's best for u.

Well lately is keeping myself as busy as possible, working nine to five then I going to the gym and bartending on weekends, and it helps to an extent because I don't think about it so much just when I am alone in my bed, that's when my mind starts to wonder. There are times when he would call and I would reject his calls countless amount of times and when I would finally speak to him, he asks a million and one questions on why I haven't picked up or called. Thanks guys I agree, I have made myself so available to him, and have opened up in so many ways he knows me so well. So yea, I need to make a 360.

At this very moment, I will change my ways, and do me; Not call, express feelings, or chase him. I will be strong. I know I have it in me to do this, and I will.

Thank you so much guys.

It's easy to give advice to others,but it's harder to take your own. Because if someone came to me with this I would have said the same things you all are saying to me right now.

Thanks again.

iluvmecancer,

u really think he's cheating? i remember in ur last post a few weeks ago u said that he was so quick to jump in and go things with other people, but not when it came to the 2 of u doing things.

cancer behavior can "look" like cheating and it may very well not be the case. so do u really think thats what it is?

u can do what the other ladies are suggesting....i just feel like there's more, like u are not happy with who he is, thats why i suggest leaving him.

I know in all reality I don't really need him; and I get so upset with myself and ask why do I continue to run behind this guy. I allow myself to be so vulnerable and needy. Everything I do or have, it's because of me; I don't ask him for anything because I know I cannot depend on him for anything. I am happy with everything else that's going on in my life, and I don't know why I continue to allow him to make me feel this way and second guess myself.

so its not him,its you...if you lack self esteem or self confidence or even if it was weak before he showed up, his lack of interest has surfaced your weakness, its not about him, its about building up your self esteem so when things like this happen you won't get stuck in a rut, a self confident woman with high self esteem wouldn't allow a man that much emotional control over them, you have disempowered yourself....by letting go and filling up those wounds you will find that you really didn't need him the first place.

Whether he's cheating or not is of no concern, what does matter is who you are inregards to his ill behavior, meaning no matter who he chooses to be, if you love you more than you love him then you would be able to let go, the very fact that he can control you and not even be in the relationship should tell you that you have work to do for yourself and push all of your energy into yourself and focus on becoming a stronger woman...this is a call to love, to love you, his behavior is showing you that. Don't try to fix the relationship, fix you first and the relationship will fix itself on its on.

Stop obsessing over change in the relationship, stop trying to convince and win him, start loving and strengthening your self esteem so NO ONE can ever make you this weak...stop trying to figure him out and work on figuring you out, figure out why you need him and why you feel the way you do, I write it down and sit with it, 9x's out of 10 I find its b/c I don't feel good about me in some way so woudl seek validation, now I validate myself first and no matter what I come first.

sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to, I sincerely want you to have peace...

I really suspect there is more to this. Like she is unhappy with what he has to bring to the table and is still hanging on because she has invested time into this relationship, which in turn causes her to become insecure and start bitching to him. its like she wants more, but he doesn't. I still say leave his ass.

Iluvmecancer, please correct me if i'm wrong, as i am just speculating.

tiki33 it's ok I appreciate your input, thank you so much.
And yes Lady Scorp I am hanging on because I invested so much time and energy into this relationship, as well as patience. It took a lot to get this guy to open up to me on an emotional level, and him allowing himself to love and let his guards down without worrying. I know he cares and loves me, but his ways of doing things get to me sometimes. I can say that there has been a great deal of progress as far him caring because he was always the type with an "I don't care attitude". When I am upset he cannot handle the fact that I go into silent mode and ignore his calls, it makes him worry. Basically he just wants someone to be understanding and be by his side; loving him and caring for him no matter what. However, I don't mind being understanding, and being by his side but it has to go both ways. I want more, but because he's not used to being serious, he doesn't know what to do, so it's like I have to tell him; then he automatically feels I am being a cookiemonster to him when that's not the case.

I don't know girl...I still think u should throw in the towel. I still get the impression u are not happy with him for other reasons besides the typical cancerian male behavior of hiding. but hey, I don't know ur life, so I could very well be wrong.

if thats not the case, then listen to Tiki and that should work. thats my two cents.

Thanks Lady Scorp. Yes there are other things that has happened on his behalf in the past that affects us today, however I'm working on putting it all behind me.

I take it u don't want to discuss that here, which is fine, I just had to know because I suspected that.

Good luck to you girl....I really do mean that!

Thanks Lady Scorp : ).

iluvmecancer:

"Yes there are other things that has happened on his behalf in the past that affects us today, however I'm working on putting it all behind me"

sorry, one last thing, i think first and foremost u need to work on completely putting whatever happened behind u (if u cannot, then it won't work unfortunately). then follow tiki's advice, and u'll be fine. ok, now i'm done for real...lol

iluvmecancer your young, your putting too much work into a man that isn't your husband, ignore him and do your thing, love who you want to love, be with whom you want to be with, he may not be the one, I can't tell you to go, only you know in your heart what you truly want out of it but I wouldn't stop living b/c he's being a jerk.

He's simply uninterested in pleasing you, he is incapable and all you did was fix him so someone else can reap the benefits, thats why you never put that much work into a man lol! They eventually start to gain the confidence they need to get the woman of their dreams and it may not be you.

Again I'm not trying to be harsh, I just think its not productive or beneficial to hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held, the tighter you hold on, the more he will slip away, let him go, he will be back once he gets tired of dealing with whatever he's dealing with, in the mean time you be a beacon of light and love, you may not like your situation but make peace with it, stop fighting it and let go, eventually he will ease back into your life but as long as your dwelling on past issues, talking about it, complaining etc your jus turning him off and making him not want to be around you.

Next time you see him, kill his ass with kindness and you leave first or end the call first, let him know he doesn't phaze you, your bigger then the situation at hand...you will f*ck with his head lol! He will feel conquered and want to chase again, when he see he can't control you anymore and he's lost it, he will do everything in his power to get that back, he's gaining strength from your weakness...girl get it together and take back your power

your young and most young people don't think about how their behavior is affecting his/her life, fight the impulse to do the things that obviously isn't working, no more hook ups, start being mindful of how your behavior is affecting your situation, if you want respect then demand it through your actions and behavior, if you say you don't want A,B or C to happen with him, then take the necessary steps to prevent the effects of that, unplug your emotions from this guy and stop using your emotions to feed your need for love....use your intellect (emotional intelligence) you want him to change, you change, you set the pace, either he will pick up and join you or move on, this is how you gain control and get your man back or gain closure to your situation.

Thank you so much tiki33, I am very appreciative of all of your input. And you are totally right. I just have to be strong I can do this. And thanks to everyone else for their input as well, it is greatly appreciated.

The very bottom line is this iluvmecancer. You are gonna do what makes you happy. No matter how much advice/input anybody has.

I say Good Luck to you and your situation...

umm u will never let go of cancer mwaah ha ha despite advice,lol. Hav eu let go of ur cancer krobe u surrreeeee,lol. But anways we kinda linger in the memories of a lot of people despite all the bashing but hey it's all love.

blacknoxx is right in that we do have a way of lingering in peoples memories. we just know how to leave a lasting impression be it good or bad :-)

umm u will never let go of cancer mwaah ha ha despite advice,lol. Hav eu let go of ur cancer krobe u surrreeeee,lol. But anways we kinda linger in the memories of a lot of people despite all the bashing but hey it's all love.

NO, BlackKnoxx,
I haven't and I am not. Thank U. I know I have his vulnerable side. The world knows that I am in charge here. Hello. Now, it is time 2 FU--! LOL!

Ok,
Now, my input.

Let him go. Quite trying 2 hold on 2 that gut level affection and quite ASSUMING that he wants the same thing with U. Just go on with your life. Tell him that the man U desire has certain characteristic traits, and that after evaluating his behavior. He cannot B your man. Then he will want U back and do what he has 2 do 2 get U. Don't EVER put your All into a man, that simply is not putting his all into U. It is like, U do a little, U get a little. Not U do everything up front. BIG MISTAKE. He needs 2 earn your heart and U have just given it 2 him entirely 2 quickly. 1.5 years 2 me is still time that U 2 R getting 2 know each other. U R still in the infactuation stage and the most critical, make or break stage.

Try 2 keep your mind off of this. I know it is hard because U R emotional. But, just read more books. G0 shopping. Exercise. Do ANYTHING 2 tuck your feelings away. It takes practice and U can do it. Men love 2 C women with a very high confidence level. Very high self esteem about herself. U complaining and crying is not doing anything but chasing him away. U letting him build strength off of U is not good 2. Because all you R doing is taking your so called hard work, and giving it straight 2 another women who can deal with all of this. U should have let him know from the JUMP. That it takes 2. Not go almost 2 years making him not do anything. I tell U and I just don't care who does not like it. U water signs ASSUME just 2 much.

I find the truth in letting emotional men get feed attention from the outside. If it B male friends, females, whoever, let them get all that attention from them. When he wants it from U, let him ask U 4 it. Just don't assume the things that U have done was the right thing 2 do. Men R supposed 2 give. Not U. Sometimes giving is good, just a little. But, not 2 much. U cannot try 2 hard 2 please a man. Or put your ALL into him. Let him pinch it out of U in small bits and peices. Don't throw all your cards on the table like U did, because once it is gone. U have nothing let 2 give.

Right now, I am sorry 2 say. It is not him it is U. U R complaining putting 2 much pressure on him with all the emotional drama. No man wants that. Just deal with it. If U had other things 2 do. It would not even phase U. Pay him no NEVER mind with the behavior. He will pick up on this and C U have changed. U have 2 change. And then he will change simply because the rest of everyone else will not understand him.

Con't

From my own personal experience. U have 2 know how 2 push and pull with a Cancer male. U have 2 really know how 2 go with the flow. U have 2 know exactly how much 2 push and how much 2 pull. U nees 2 know exactly when 2 let go. And when 2 move forward. No complaining with this man. U have 2 stand the test of time. I find standing the test of time by simply staying out of the way. I stay in the background. Let him know I could possibly B here, but he just does not know exactly how much. If U call and text 1 time and he does not call back. Don't call him anymore. NO MORE until he quits doing that BS! He will eventually confront U, and tell U he does not like it. When he does. Still don't call or text. Let him call or text U first. Simply because he has 2 put in some work. Some is better than none. I wish I were U. I would run his arse 2 town and back. I wish I could lend U some of my game, but, I can't. I could give U advice. But, not 2 much advice because U will have 2 learn on your own. All I can say, is deal with it. U do your thang while he does his. When or if the time is right, U 2 will unite.

Thank you so much Krobe03; I agree with everything you are saying, and I am very appreciative of your input as well as everyone else. I believe that I can do this. Although cancers may have their weak sides and we put up with a lot, we always come up strong. I know the strength is in me, just have to pull it out : ).

Well only day into making a change. I decided to follow tiki33's and change my ways. So yesterday for example, I didnt call or text him all day. While getting my hair done he calls me on my cell and I missed his call. Then when I get home I look at my caller id on my house phone I had a missed call from him as well. So he leaves a voicemail saying "I guess you are ignoring my calls, and I don't know why. I haven't heard from you all day". Ok so then before going to bed, I check my e-mail, to my surprise he left an e-mail saying "Hey sweets hope you are ok, i guess we'll speak whenever." I must keep this up. Thanks again guys for your input.

Yeah, JUST remember 2 REMAIN positive and in CONTROL and U will B fine.

LOL now he's calling me at work to check up on me. Interesting I must say.

LOL now he's calling me at work to check up on me. Interesting I must say.

Don't ANSWER. MAKE HIM EARN YOUR HEART this time around.

nope answer,lol. Talk alot.

take this cancers advice

Well I have to answer the phone here at work, because in this office I am expected to answer and screen all calls. So when he called today, I didn't know it was him until he asked to speak to me.

caller id could come in handy if I had it here at work lol. But when we did speak, he was just talking while I listened; He asked about my day I said it was interesting. He ended it with "well I just wanted to check up on you".