SongBird12
@SongBird12
14 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 5 · Topics: 1
Capricorn Woman, Capricorn Man Compatability
I intend on telling him that his behavior is unacceptable to me and I will never live like that again...a little background...I recently came out of a 21 year marriage to a very controlling and insecure Virgo who tried to break my spirit. It was not always all bad but as the kids got older it became worse.
Fast forward to today...I am not going to be that woman anymore which is what I had to come to grips with this weekend through some intense self-evaluation..hence my conversation with him later today. NO MORE DOORMAT, that's not my name and I won't answer to it. I will not accept less than I am willing to give. Nor will I ever lose myself in a relationship again.
To be totally honest, as I looked back on the events of the weekend I was a little disgusted with myself...that woman this weekend was the old me under the control of a man who devalued me, with my permission, because I was too afraid to stand up and defend myself. This Cappy knows a little of that history and I think he was seeing if this is the real me or the conditioned me.
Actions speak louder than words...if he can't accept that I will never again be a participant in a one-sided relationship again and that I have needs that have to be met to then I pass...good luck to him - his loss. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt by talking to him today.
I have a feeling he was testing me and if I don't speak up and stand up to him and defend myself I failed the test. Regadless of his test, I have to stand up for me as I make my way back to that strong woman I know is inside of me.
Is this normal behavior for a Capricorn man though - being hot one day and cold the next?
Fast forward to today...I am not going to be that woman anymore which is what I had to come to grips with this weekend through some intense self-evaluation..hence my conversation with him later today. NO MORE DOORMAT, that's not my name and I won't answer to it. I will not accept less than I am willing to give. Nor will I ever lose myself in a relationship again.
To be totally honest, as I looked back on the events of the weekend I was a little disgusted with myself...that woman this weekend was the old me under the control of a man who devalued me, with my permission, because I was too afraid to stand up and defend myself. This Cappy knows a little of that history and I think he was seeing if this is the real me or the conditioned me.
Actions speak louder than words...if he can't accept that I will never again be a participant in a one-sided relationship again and that I have needs that have to be met to then I pass...good luck to him - his loss. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt by talking to him today.
I have a feeling he was testing me and if I don't speak up and stand up to him and defend myself I failed the test. Regadless of his test, I have to stand up for me as I make my way back to that strong woman I know is inside of me.
Is this normal behavior for a Capricorn man though - being hot one day and cold the next?
I may be looking at this ass backwards but she's the one that "FELT" a certain way and didn't speak up, matters if she was feeling it the wrong or right way, SPEAK UP right then and there.
Songbird has a history of allowing abuse with men and she allowed this man to behave like the man/men in her past. She's actively allowing it so how does that make him wrong? He asked her to buy him something eat, she asked him does he want a drink earlier and she expected reciprocation and she didn't get it, I'm sure it's not the first time she's done something for a man and "EXPECTED" reciprocation in return and didn't get it given her past history.
Maybe Songbird you should stop offering anything to a man and maybe you need to tighten up your self confidence and self esteem and begin to ask for what you want and learn how to say NO to anything that make you feel uncomfortable, for instance when he asked you to walk him to his car that was an opportunity for you to say something that would encourage him to walk you to your car or simply say good night and walk to your car.
I think Songbird is over exaggerating, this guy owes her nothing, not even respect especially if she can't respect herself and demand better treatment not later but NOW in the moment were it counts the most.
He's lost interest which was why he didn't return her phone call, she allowed herself to be looked down upon and now she's chasing him and he's not going to respond to being chased by her.
Walk away Songbird, there really is nothing to discuss, you did this, you allowed it to happen, take responsibility for it and let it go...You may have an opportunity to reset and start over again but anything you say now will just make you appear like your the victim as if he intentionally set out to hurt you which I'm sure he didn't. Maybe pay more attention to what your allowing and how you feel and honor that instead of worrying and doubting if your seeing things the wrong or right way.
You missed your opportunity to DEMONSTRATE to him that your a confident woman instead you chose the latter, you chose to be someone who doesn't love herself around a man and a man is going to act according to how you value yourself. If you show little to no value well he's going to follow your lead, if you demonstrate to a man that your valuable and worthy and confident he will follow your lead.
Stop behaving like a doormat and men won't treat you like one....
Songbird has a history of allowing abuse with men and she allowed this man to behave like the man/men in her past. She's actively allowing it so how does that make him wrong? He asked her to buy him something eat, she asked him does he want a drink earlier and she expected reciprocation and she didn't get it, I'm sure it's not the first time she's done something for a man and "EXPECTED" reciprocation in return and didn't get it given her past history.
Maybe Songbird you should stop offering anything to a man and maybe you need to tighten up your self confidence and self esteem and begin to ask for what you want and learn how to say NO to anything that make you feel uncomfortable, for instance when he asked you to walk him to his car that was an opportunity for you to say something that would encourage him to walk you to your car or simply say good night and walk to your car.
I think Songbird is over exaggerating, this guy owes her nothing, not even respect especially if she can't respect herself and demand better treatment not later but NOW in the moment were it counts the most.
He's lost interest which was why he didn't return her phone call, she allowed herself to be looked down upon and now she's chasing him and he's not going to respond to being chased by her.
Walk away Songbird, there really is nothing to discuss, you did this, you allowed it to happen, take responsibility for it and let it go...You may have an opportunity to reset and start over again but anything you say now will just make you appear like your the victim as if he intentionally set out to hurt you which I'm sure he didn't. Maybe pay more attention to what your allowing and how you feel and honor that instead of worrying and doubting if your seeing things the wrong or right way.
You missed your opportunity to DEMONSTRATE to him that your a confident woman instead you chose the latter, you chose to be someone who doesn't love herself around a man and a man is going to act according to how you value yourself. If you show little to no value well he's going to follow your lead, if you demonstrate to a man that your valuable and worthy and confident he will follow your lead.
Stop behaving like a doormat and men won't treat you like one....
@ Tiki...thank you for the assessment...I HAVE to speak up though because it is important to me, for my own growth, to do that. Whether it means anything to him or not it means something to me.
He gave me the money to walk to the kitchen of the building we were in to buy a plate of food. He didn't ask if I wanted anything and yes, I should have something right then because by that point I had already bought the drink.
This is a period of reconditioning for me and I am not going to beat myself up for reverting to a learned behavior I am working diligently to unlearn. I was PISSED but didn't speak up and that is the lesson I have to get from that experience.
I am also "new" to dating as I have only been single less than two years and this is really my first foray into "dating" since then.
This is really about my growth and development, deep down, and about being true to myself and what I will and won't accept. The hardest thing about the sitation is our lives are interconnected in an organization we both belong to so I will see him on a regular basis. I MUST speak up so going forward we can deal with each amicably.
Another question...he acts territorial with me when I talk to other guys in our organization, and has shown signs of possessiveness. What's up with that? His mixed messages are frustrating me and maybe me asserting myself, even though its three days after the fact, may speak to him. Either way it's someting I have to do for me, and I really hope you can understand that with no judgement.
He gave me the money to walk to the kitchen of the building we were in to buy a plate of food. He didn't ask if I wanted anything and yes, I should have something right then because by that point I had already bought the drink.
This is a period of reconditioning for me and I am not going to beat myself up for reverting to a learned behavior I am working diligently to unlearn. I was PISSED but didn't speak up and that is the lesson I have to get from that experience.
I am also "new" to dating as I have only been single less than two years and this is really my first foray into "dating" since then.
This is really about my growth and development, deep down, and about being true to myself and what I will and won't accept. The hardest thing about the sitation is our lives are interconnected in an organization we both belong to so I will see him on a regular basis. I MUST speak up so going forward we can deal with each amicably.
Another question...he acts territorial with me when I talk to other guys in our organization, and has shown signs of possessiveness. What's up with that? His mixed messages are frustrating me and maybe me asserting myself, even though its three days after the fact, may speak to him. Either way it's someting I have to do for me, and I really hope you can understand that with no judgement.
I understand were your coming from Capgal but women must understand that men in general will treat you the way you treat yourself, not all men are going to automatically "GIVE" respect to women and Songbird chose him as a date, he won't be the first or the last man that she is going to encounter these kind of issues with so she has to go back to the drawing board, investigate her actions and behavior and learn how to be a confident woman around men and learn how to remove herself from situations that don't reflect love and respect towards her.
This is an opportunity for Songbird to change, change how she carries herself around men, if she demonstrate through her actions she's valuable and worthy most men will give her that respect be it a jerk or not but I think we are jumping the gun on this guy and not really seeing it through his eyes.
Women with self esteem issues pick men that they are going to have emotional conflict with and then they turn around and say OUCH he's a jerk.
I'm saying to Songbird is to take responsibility for her part, she's a grown ass able woman and if people/men are not showing her respect then she need to LOOK in the mirror and fix it and not hold men responsible...No one is responsible for how she allow herself to be treated, she is.
I agree drop him but don't blame him for what she can't even do for herself....
This is an opportunity for Songbird to change, change how she carries herself around men, if she demonstrate through her actions she's valuable and worthy most men will give her that respect be it a jerk or not but I think we are jumping the gun on this guy and not really seeing it through his eyes.
Women with self esteem issues pick men that they are going to have emotional conflict with and then they turn around and say OUCH he's a jerk.
I'm saying to Songbird is to take responsibility for her part, she's a grown ass able woman and if people/men are not showing her respect then she need to LOOK in the mirror and fix it and not hold men responsible...No one is responsible for how she allow herself to be treated, she is.
I agree drop him but don't blame him for what she can't even do for herself....
Posted by SongBird12
@ Tiki...thank you for the assessment...I HAVE to speak up though because it is important to me, for my own growth, to do that. Whether it means anything to him or not it means something to me.
This is really about my growth and development, deep down, and about being true to myself and what I will and won't accept. The hardest thing about the sitation is our lives are interconnected in an organization we both belong to so I will see him on a regular basis. I MUST speak up so going forward we can deal with each amicably.
Another question...he acts territorial with me when I talk to other guys in our organization, and has shown signs of possessiveness. What's up with that? His mixed messages are frustrating me and maybe me asserting myself, even though its three days after the fact, may speak to him. Either way it's someting I have to do for me, and I really hope you can understand that with no judgement.
I totally agree with you and as for the mixed messages territorial possessive behavior well it's an indication he's toxic, very toxic so it's up to you to find it in yourself to step away from this kind of man. Speaking to him won't do anything for you, this isn't about him, it's about YOU, you can't fix him, you can't make him change by talking to him, he's a grown man and he's going to do what he wants to do, you can lead a man by example and inspire him to be better but talking hardly ever inspires a man to change, if that was the case you would still be with your kids father.
In situations like this, it's best to keep it moving, he's not the man for you, he won't miraculously change b/c you felt disrespected...The adult thing to do is not be around men that clearly don't know how to respect you, you distancing yourself speaks VOLUMES, it demonstrates that he no longer has access to you to treat you poorly and it gives him an opportunity to SELF REFLECT and fix his own behavior.
One incident does not a relationship make, nor does this incident sum up my life story and define me.
It was a wake up call, a reminder that, yeah, I am worthy and valuable and have so much to offer but on my terms. And yes, I am taking advantage of this opportunity to CHANGE and frankly Tiki I don't understand how you can't see me speaking up and standing up for myself is not a step toward my empowerment and a huge boost to my self esteem and self respect.
Self respect starts here - I am not a doormat, a weak woman, or worthy of disrespect. I am a grown ass able woman who loves herself and won't accept any less from anyone I deal with.
It was a wake up call, a reminder that, yeah, I am worthy and valuable and have so much to offer but on my terms. And yes, I am taking advantage of this opportunity to CHANGE and frankly Tiki I don't understand how you can't see me speaking up and standing up for myself is not a step toward my empowerment and a huge boost to my self esteem and self respect.
Self respect starts here - I am not a doormat, a weak woman, or worthy of disrespect. I am a grown ass able woman who loves herself and won't accept any less from anyone I deal with.
Posted by SongBird12
One incident does not a relationship make, nor does this incident sum up my life story and define me.
It was a wake up call, a reminder that, yeah, I am worthy and valuable and have so much to offer but on my terms. And yes, I am taking advantage of this opportunity to CHANGE and frankly Tiki I don't understand how you can't see me speaking up and standing up for myself is not a step toward my empowerment and a huge boost to my self esteem and self respect.
Self respect starts here - I am not a doormat, a weak woman, or worthy of disrespect. I am a grown ass able woman who loves herself and won't accept any less from anyone I deal with.
One incident does not a relationship make, nor does this incident sum up my life story and define me....Am I reading this wrong? Are you saying that this one incident isn't enough for you to leave him alone? I'm not sure I'm following you on this statement.
Honestly I don't expect you to see were I'm coming from, women with low self esteem and/or women struggling to regain self esteem typically don't get were I'm coming from...The empowerment doesn't come from you standing up to him, he's not the problem, the empowerment comes from you standing up to yourself, standing up to that part of yourself that hasn't gotten in line with what you want from yourself and from men and never allowing it to happen again.
This isn't about him at all. You are your own worst enemy until you find a way to get out of your own way. I been in your shoes and telling him won't make you feel empowered you just think it will. Do what you feel is right for you but his not returning your call is a sure indication he's really not that into you and thus he won't really be all that receptive to you communicating how you feel about how he treated you, you won't get what you think you will get out of it, just more disappointment. Putting distance between yourself and someone that is treating you in an unequal way is the best most effective communicator...
I'm not trying to convince you though...DO YOU
I agree with Capgal and one of the best ways to communicate your not a doormat is to take back any credit you gave him as a real man and put aside any feelings of attraction you have for him and instead put you first and place some distance between you and that person.
Tiki and CapGal, I agree with you both. Tiki, we are actually saying the same thing - this is about me and regaining my self respect. In my marriage I had no voice...I do now and intend on using it.
I know I have to emotionally distance myself from him because he was disrespectful to me - I need to place that disrespect back in his lap for him to self-reflect as someone said earlier. My wall is back up and he will never get the opportunity to disrespect me again, nor will anyone else.
I know I have to emotionally distance myself from him because he was disrespectful to me - I need to place that disrespect back in his lap for him to self-reflect as someone said earlier. My wall is back up and he will never get the opportunity to disrespect me again, nor will anyone else.
And you really think he's going to self reflect because you effect him in a way that makes him feel he's been a jerk and he feel enough guilt that he will self reflect...A Capricorn?? lol (sorry not laughing at you at all but Caps (the men) don't really function like that)
IMHO I feel you need to tell him because you hope he will change and see the error of his ways and give back more so you won't have to dump him..Typically women with self esteem issues silently hope that her man will see the light and stop being an assclown, I sort of feel that's what your hoping will happen because you wanna keep him...I hope I'm wrong
What irks me is that your making this about him when really its' about you...You need him to feel the same disrespect you felt by airing it out verbally and it will only have the opposite effect...Good luck with that
IMHO I feel you need to tell him because you hope he will change and see the error of his ways and give back more so you won't have to dump him..Typically women with self esteem issues silently hope that her man will see the light and stop being an assclown, I sort of feel that's what your hoping will happen because you wanna keep him...I hope I'm wrong
What irks me is that your making this about him when really its' about you...You need him to feel the same disrespect you felt by airing it out verbally and it will only have the opposite effect...Good luck with that
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