@lovemedead84
16 YearsCancer
The Capricorn B*stard
First you learn to cook the kind of meals that take days or sometimes weeks of preparation — the results of which can be ruined in a few seconds by an airplane passing overhead. This is to keep you occupied after you are married and is also impressive when you have to throw dinner parties for your Capricorn-b*stard-husband's business contacts.
Then you'll learn to cultivate / fake an appreciation of the arts and an understanding of politics and world affairs so you can make seemingly intelligent conversation whilst you are cooking for and serving guests. At these dinner parties you could translate a business deal for your husband with one of the five major European languages you picked up between classes at finishing school. And as for the etiquette required to know exactly where at the table to seat an earl or a prime minister if a member of the royal family is also coming
— well, that was covered in your first year when you studied Introduction to Seating Royalty, Nobility and Important Public Officials.
Along with How to Lose a Tennis Match to a Man Without Him Suspecting You are Throwing the Game to Save His Ego, The Art of Table Seating II (Advanced Course), How to Be Patronized Gracefully and countless other vital courses, you will be taught to walk, to speak and to dress yourself properly. Sure, you may have learnt to do these things when you were 18 months old but these schools don't take any chances. You will also be taught needlework — majoring in embroidery. We have no idea why. But the most important thing you can do at these schools is to mix and become lifelong friends with all those other obscenely rich, pedigreed girls. You don't actually have to like them; you just have to kiss the air around their cheeks for the rest of your life. They, like you, will go on to marry Capricorn b*stards to whom you can introduce your Capricorn b*stard. These b*stards will then form a boys?? club where they can compare p*nis sizes (though they will call it networking) to their hearts?? content. Naturally, you won't be allowed to join as you don't have a p*nis and, as your married to a Capricorn b*stard, you'll only ever get one at the end of each financial year — if it was a successful one.
You are now a graduate of the you-can-never-be-too-thin-too-rich-too-blonde-or-too-tanned school of thought and you are accomplished enough to take up that all-important position of catering to Capricorn's whims. You're the perfect wife
Then you'll learn to cultivate / fake an appreciation of the arts and an understanding of politics and world affairs so you can make seemingly intelligent conversation whilst you are cooking for and serving guests. At these dinner parties you could translate a business deal for your husband with one of the five major European languages you picked up between classes at finishing school. And as for the etiquette required to know exactly where at the table to seat an earl or a prime minister if a member of the royal family is also coming
— well, that was covered in your first year when you studied Introduction to Seating Royalty, Nobility and Important Public Officials.
Along with How to Lose a Tennis Match to a Man Without Him Suspecting You are Throwing the Game to Save His Ego, The Art of Table Seating II (Advanced Course), How to Be Patronized Gracefully and countless other vital courses, you will be taught to walk, to speak and to dress yourself properly. Sure, you may have learnt to do these things when you were 18 months old but these schools don't take any chances. You will also be taught needlework — majoring in embroidery. We have no idea why. But the most important thing you can do at these schools is to mix and become lifelong friends with all those other obscenely rich, pedigreed girls. You don't actually have to like them; you just have to kiss the air around their cheeks for the rest of your life. They, like you, will go on to marry Capricorn b*stards to whom you can introduce your Capricorn b*stard. These b*stards will then form a boys?? club where they can compare p*nis sizes (though they will call it networking) to their hearts?? content. Naturally, you won't be allowed to join as you don't have a p*nis and, as your married to a Capricorn b*stard, you'll only ever get one at the end of each financial year — if it was a successful one.
You are now a graduate of the you-can-never-be-too-thin-too-rich-too-blonde-or-too-tanned school of thought and you are accomplished enough to take up that all-important position of catering to Capricorn's whims. You're the perfect wife
HOW TO SPOT ONE
Sneak a look under his bed to find his favorite well-thumbed and stained copies of the Harvard Business Review.
WHERE TO FIND ONE
At graduate ceremonies at finishing schools. In buildings where large sums of money are stored. Scanning the social pages for recently separated women with impressive names and even more impressive settlements.
HOW TO IMPRESS ONE
Accidentally drop your investment portfolio (the one embossed with your heavily hyphenated name) and make sure it is substantial enough to register on the Richter scale when it hits the ground. As he is helping you retrieve it, spill some large denomination notes into his lap whilst also dropping the names of all the big important people that Daddy-the-media-magnate-or-hotel-tycoon-or-reigning-monarch-of-a-small-but-wealthy-and-tax-free-nation wants to introduce your future husband to.
THE FIRST DATE
He will use this first meeting to assess your suitability; to figure out whether or not you are worth the investment; to see if you know the difference between a
fish fork and a dessert fork. In fact, it??ll be a lot like a job interview. (Tip: Make sure you look like a million dollars. At least)
WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Go snooping in his Filofax. He??ll have it scheduled in. or better yet, ask his secretary when he plans to seal the deal — she??ll have a clearer idea of when he can fit himself in. (Important note: The Capricorn b*stard is quite good at sex. He passed Sleeping Your Way To The Top I & II & III with flying colors. It's amazing what they teach you at business schools these days.)
WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you own at least 51% of his corporation. He's not going to refuse his major shareholder. And even if he does, you have the deciding vote — so you can overrule him.
IF HE DROPS YOU
This is a very good sign. It means he's getting serious about you. He's starting to negotiate. Have Daddy up the dowry and go back with a counter offer.
IF YOU DROP HIM
He's financially secure enough to handle it. It's all there in the pre-nuptial agreement; the dowry was non-refundable in the event of disagreement. As for the rest of your inheritance — well, he??ll just have to marry another retirement plan.
Sneak a look under his bed to find his favorite well-thumbed and stained copies of the Harvard Business Review.
WHERE TO FIND ONE
At graduate ceremonies at finishing schools. In buildings where large sums of money are stored. Scanning the social pages for recently separated women with impressive names and even more impressive settlements.
HOW TO IMPRESS ONE
Accidentally drop your investment portfolio (the one embossed with your heavily hyphenated name) and make sure it is substantial enough to register on the Richter scale when it hits the ground. As he is helping you retrieve it, spill some large denomination notes into his lap whilst also dropping the names of all the big important people that Daddy-the-media-magnate-or-hotel-tycoon-or-reigning-monarch-of-a-small-but-wealthy-and-tax-free-nation wants to introduce your future husband to.
THE FIRST DATE
He will use this first meeting to assess your suitability; to figure out whether or not you are worth the investment; to see if you know the difference between a
fish fork and a dessert fork. In fact, it??ll be a lot like a job interview. (Tip: Make sure you look like a million dollars. At least)
WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Go snooping in his Filofax. He??ll have it scheduled in. or better yet, ask his secretary when he plans to seal the deal — she??ll have a clearer idea of when he can fit himself in. (Important note: The Capricorn b*stard is quite good at sex. He passed Sleeping Your Way To The Top I & II & III with flying colors. It's amazing what they teach you at business schools these days.)
WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you own at least 51% of his corporation. He's not going to refuse his major shareholder. And even if he does, you have the deciding vote — so you can overrule him.
IF HE DROPS YOU
This is a very good sign. It means he's getting serious about you. He's starting to negotiate. Have Daddy up the dowry and go back with a counter offer.
IF YOU DROP HIM
He's financially secure enough to handle it. It's all there in the pre-nuptial agreement; the dowry was non-refundable in the event of disagreement. As for the rest of your inheritance — well, he??ll just have to marry another retirement plan.
where did you find this looser
ummm..this is scary...:p
This is freaking hilarious!
This is true. My cap husband -> "Besides marriage isn't about love. It's about making money." SO TRUE. Wtf?
GoldenRose, that's just how he worded it, what he means is that "it's about being able to pool resources so that at minimum all needs and of both parties are best met (and then some) as well as for the purpose of assuring that you'll have the foundation set in place for secure future after retirement."
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His intentions towards you are entirely honorable. He is hard working and
ambitious. He wants to get married and raise a family. He has no problem with
the concept and implementation of commitment. He??ll even be faithful to you —
although this can't be guaranteed, as he is a man! And upon getting to know him better you'll find he also possesses all the charm and conversation of a cash register. (Well, you can't expect him to have all those virtues and a personality.) But before you jump up and down in orgasmic delight at the thought of spending time with him, there is a catch. There's something he has to do prior to whisking you off into the sunset to issue joint financial statements together. He has to check your credit rating. And no, he's not joking. He never jokes about money. Or anything else, come to think of it. If you happened to be born with silver cutlery anywhere near your mouth and you have a large inheritance threatening to fall into your lap, you're laughing (and he may even smile) all the way to the bank and the joint savings account.
However, don't assume he's only interested in you for your inheritance. Such an assumption would be a gross misjudgment of character. The truth is, if you??d won the money in a lottery or made it yourself through hard work or shrewd investments, he??d still be interested in you. It would be unfair to say that money is the only thing that matters to Capricorn. He is mostly human and understands your money alone will not ensure his happiness. That's why your social status is just as important to him. He??ll not only be interested in you for what you have, but for who you are, who your parents are, what they have and who they know. (And you thought men were only interested in one thing.) Anyway, he's not searching for the love of his life.
He first found that as a small child, beneath the cushions of his parents?? couch. And he will always be true to it. Besides marriage isn't about love. It's about making money.
Capricorn is the reason finishing schools still exist. You know those wonderfully traditional educational institutions that concern themselves with taking affluent, intelligent young women and making them completely useless for anything other than marriage. As