What should i do?

HI everyone,
Hoping i can get some help here...
My leo man and i ( Im a cancer lady)have been dating for over 4 years. It was long distance and finally from Jan 2014 i put the brakes. Both feet in or both out. i wnt mean but very very firmhe kept coming back to talk and he got the same answer from me. Finally he said i make the perfect wife but he is not a perfect husband and he is not ready. I walked. I still am... walking. He tries to iniate contact. I say the same thing.. both feet in or both out. . again and again... i have bot removed him from my social media platforms.. but ignore him totally. Neither am i nasty with him.
Im hurting. But i dont show it to him at all. I keep a low profile. I dont talk to him at all.
He seems to take things so slightly. In front of my face. he will flirt or behave as if nothing is wrong. He wants to come in back.... im resisting head on.
What should i do?

4yrs of my life and this man can be so callous. sometimes i feel my strength is going away.. but i will never show it to him.
I hurt becuase i find he is not hurting at all. All this was a joke. There was no depth. Its painful to think.

leos never show their wounds out in the open when they are hurt, it has something to do with the pride. the thing with leo-cancer relationship is that it is hard to maintain because when both get in a conflict, neither of you wants to wave the white flag and sort it out. the leo protecting his pride and the cancer retreating into her shell.

it'll always be this vicious cycle until the both of you realise that you two do care about each other a lot but just cant stand the pain everytime theres a misunderstanding.

hope you'll work things out with him. he may have a wounded ego, be gentle with him and he'll get out from the cave once he's healed. never let your ego get in the way of things you share with each other.

On the one hand I completely respect you laying out boundaries and sticking to your guns about them, at the end of the day you have to take care of yourself first. Please don't take my impending bluntness as meanness, it's only meant to offer you one Leo's perspective, and if I'm way off the mark you're free to tell me where to stick it 😉

As a fixed sign, we're stubborn and set in our ways. And it's coming across as though everything was fine between you two until one day you gave him an ultimatum: "My way or the highway". And when he didn't fall in line you cut him off.

My first reaction is there's no way I'd give in to an ultimatum, especially when it comes to the implied subject of commitment. That's something serious that involves TWO people and should be discussed between TWO people. Sounds like he tried to do that by repeatedly contacting you, and was repeatedly rejected.

It's not up to one person to dictate the course of a relationship and from what you've shared it seems like that's what you're trying to do (intentionally or not). Either he does what you want, without question or discussion, or he's not welcome in your life.

IF this is the case, then yes I can see why he'd put on a brave face and not show his hurt. And understandably it hurts you to not be able to see what he's really feeling. But this is where Leo pride comes in: why should he show you how much he's hurting? What would HE get out of it? It's more what YOU would get out of seeing his pain, isn't it?

He'd already put his pride aside by repeatedly initiating contact and being repeatedly rejected. And that's really hard for a Leo, to feel cut off and shut out by the person we love. But there's only so much we can bend before we break, and out of self-respect and self-preservation we have to move on. Hiding our hurt, smiling through the pain and trudging on are part of that.

It's not about dismissing your feelings, or belittling the relationship. It's about respecting ourselves and acknowledging the role you no longer play in our lives, the role you opted out of. The people still close to a Leo will see the hurt and devastation they feel, not everyone else. And maybe that's partly what you're feeling, realizing that now you're everyone else :/

Thank you for your responses.

roaringkitten, yes i guess its my ego as well..😢...
Kittynitter, i thank you for your support - i trying to be gentle now. We talk a bit. Since we also have a work buisiness together, i continue with that ...

Untamed leo - you know.. you hit the nail on the head with your comment... i really fel tht i was doing that - walking because i wasnt given my way... Im holding onto my boundaries because ive always felt that whenever i give in to him.. he just doesnt deem it important.. and this is imp to me...😢
the status as of now is

1. we are in touch with our work..
2. i have told him.. i will never hold anything against him for not wanting marriage... but i really want to share my life with him... we are not getting any younger...

I love him.. i know he loves me.. i miss him, i know he misses me.. he called me last week and said.. i miss you...

im scared.. if i give in... ill be stuck with a long distance realtionship for life...
i dont know how to go about this... how to tackle this - where not to give in... to give in.. i just dont know.... any suggestions?

Oh he also told me... im not a 100 percent ready... and i want to come to you when i am... and god will decide that....i asked him if he is cheating.. he said no. i beleive him.. the vibe i get is honest.. unless i am wrong...

what the hell does that mean!..

HI Impulsv,
No he is not ready to move into the same city.. he says for him... its marriage.. and he is not ready yet..

Marriage is imp to me.. only beause he thinks its imp!... im ok for a live in... he is not... he seems happy with a long distance... and thats what scares me.. cause it is very lonely for me...

Our families know about us.. his mother.. my mother want us married... apart from our close friends... none of the girls he flirts with even know i exist.. and when i ask him.. he says he above!.. its 4 yrs!..it hurts me..

*the above*.. sorry typo

I totally get that long distance is hard; it isn't for everyone and has pretty low odds of actually working out.

Still, you've expressed your need for marriage as a dealbreaker. He's said he's not ready; what more is there to discuss? I respect it's important to you, having that kind of commitment is important to a lot of people. But you know where he stands with it.

It's awesome you respect yourself enough to lay out your boundaries and stick with them, but there should also be respect for him. Beating him over the head with what you want when he's said he's NOT ready isn't going to make him ready faster or at all. In fact it's more likely to make him dig in his heels on the subject.

The brutal truth is that I think you should let this Leo go and move on. This is what I'd call a core incompatibility; you want/need marriage in your life, and he doesn't/isn't ready. Neither of you should have to compromise your core values to make a relationship work. And no one should feel pressured to meet someone else's expectations, it'll just be a constant clash and source of upset on both sides.

He deserves to be with someone who respects, wants and feels secure going at a slower pace towards a more serious commitment. And you deserve someone who wants, values and is ready for the same kind of commitment you are. Neither of you are getting what you deserve, what else is there to do but care about each other enough to let go so that you can find your happiness? There's only so much jamming two puzzle pieces together before you have to conclude that they just don't fit :/

Thanks ... your responses are much appreciated.. :-)

Impulsv - i did try to spk with him on it.. he had admitted he is scared... he has claimed that he has met many women in is life... never one like me...

Untamed leo - hmmm.. i guess ur right and i have bin trying.. but he doesnt let go... he insists on initiating contact... ofcourse he knows i miss and love him... and sometimes i cave in.. but for most part i am consistent with what i say The reason i say both feet in both feet out is because i dont want to settle down in something that doesnt have a direction.. its bin four years... ive bin struggling to live alone..
if i ignore him.. as i am .. he will flirt to no end obnoxiously to get my attention... he doesnt even let me disappear quietly...
its sad i have to let go. i feel truly sad at the lack of depth.

I will let go.. i guess he deserves his happiness just as i do.

Thanks guys..:-)

But

But its going to be very very hard..... 😢

@ BuBu : I am now attracted to a Leo.. and I am wondering have you ever brought up this topic about marriage before? or only after 4 years you did? and if you did bring it up before, what did he say about it? I mean.. what made you hold on?

Hi Tx0gal,
I never brought it up in the past, neither the idea of living together...he used to keep saying no marriage.. i did not confronthim in the earlier years because
1. i was going thru a horrific time
2. i was giving him his space - thinking over some time he will understand my need.... but somehow i feel he was getting his cake and eating it too... his flirting... i dont know if it leads to something.. i dont live with him... i know he is very very active online as well... u name the medium and he is online there
Yet, he was always available to me.. anytime of the day or nite.. we spoke every day when we were not together.. he initiaing all the time... in every area of our life.. we get on PERFECTLY - he acknowledges it too.. its only the being together ( Living) thats getting to him
Since Jan2014 - i decided to put it on the table...

1. he knows there is no one else.
2. he also knows i will walk
Its bin one whole year
1. he doesnt let go
2. insists on no mariage - i have tried spking to him logically... i have also said.. its gonna be dificult but we shd go our seperate ways... he doesnt.... i requested that its bin a long time together. can he not be so blatant in flirting etc in my face... but he does it more..
3. We are in a limbo. Im not spking to him.... though we work together - i habdle the PR of is business.. and i continue doing that - directing the team etc.. but no talk... he on the other hand is going beserk on fb .. flirting in my face to get a reaction i guess...

and to be honest - im not letting go either because
everything else is perfect... but living alone is like being single any way right?....

Posted by BuBu
and to be honest - im not letting go either because
everything else is perfect... but living alone is like being single any way right?....

I'm not trying to play devils advocate, here,

but could you consider that 'everything else

is perfect' precisely because the relationship

is long distance?


Long distance means that every time you get to

see each other, it's exciting... the anticipation,

alone probably makes you high for days.

It's all sparkly and your best foot is forward, for

the most part, because you have to plan beforehand.


Other than that, your life is your own.


Heck, he couldn't even properly stalk you, if

he was so inclined.

😄


Anyway-- if committing means he will be uprooting

his whole world, and not just adjusting to cohabitation...

then it's no wonder he's freaking out.


Have you ever thought about moving to HIS

town, instead of him moving to YOURS?


If that doesn't appeal, then maybe some kind of

middle ground is in order.


🙂

LOL.. thanks Montgomery :-)

I am open to moving to his town... his mother is keen we get married ... everytime we visit which is 7 days a month.. i stay in his house.. and he is mine when he visits...

I have aquestion which is bothering me... why does he hide my presence in public... maybe that is the bottom line which is getting to me...
when i ask him.. he says he will only bring it out when there is marriage.. and marriage he doesnt want,...
so he poses to be single!! in public and ont he social media... what is your take on this?.. how would you understand this?

I get a feel he is keeping me as an option - having his cake and eating it too....
i dont know what to do. How to handle this any better...😢

The delimma is on one hand we have this relationship known to the close few... we are working together etc.... on the other hand he poses single..—?....

Posted by BuBu
LOL.. thanks Montgomery :-)

I am open to moving to his town... his mother is keen we get married ... everytime we visit which is 7 days a month.. i stay in his house.. and he is mine when he visits...

I have aquestion which is bothering me... why does he hide my presence in public... maybe that is the bottom line which is getting to me...
when i ask him.. he says he will only bring it out when there is marriage.. and marriage he doesnt want,...
so he poses to be single!! in public and ont he social media... what is your take on this?.. how would you understand this?

I get a feel he is keeping me as an option - having his cake and eating it too....
i dont know what to do. How to handle this any better...😢

Umm... what?

He poses as a single person?

I didn't see that in the thread before.

That is unacceptable... and my honest

opinion is that there is a damn good reason

like ... it would interfere with the kitty

he's getting on the side, if people knew about

you.


I would NOT put up with that... being kept a secret,

that is-- not for a minute.


Four years of this?

Noooo.

Actually my bad @ Montgomery... i did not mention this earlier on in the thread.

This probably explains my hard tough stand and ultimatum.

At the moment i feel cheated. I feel used. As i mentioned earlier i was going thru a horrific time in my earlier years with him and i fully trusted him to take care of us. He did Not . i feel betrayed.

And now he doesnt let go and creates all this drama in front of me... i cant be strong forever and thats why i come here for support. I dont know what to do. We hve more than 100 plus common friends... some know about us and some kind of guess about us...

I feel sad. Im heartbroken.. my four years meant nothing. There was no depth.. and it is hard enough to let go.. and harder still to see him behave like this... talking doent help, getting angry doesnt help crying doesnt help... its as if he wont let me go yet not go that mile..Im in a limbo.

Thank u so much for ur help..:-).. Let go i will... i insist.. both feet in.. or both out... and that includes work too.... but he forces me back into work by the team.. how to handle all this??

ove you all for hearing me out :-)

And ofcourse he insists that he always maintained that there would be no mariage... in my opinion fine... live in is cool.... but nay to that too
I have been played. and the pain is much.

Posted by BuBu

but he forces me back into work by the team.. how to handle all this??

And ofcourse he insists that he always maintained that there would be no mariage... in my opinion fine... live in is cool.... but nay to that too
I have been played. and the pain is much.

I am so sorry. 😢

Is it possible to be relieved of his account

where you work?

If so... formally make the break-- it will speak

volumes, and you'll feel so much better.

If not... all I can say is be tough (you can do it).

No one can treat you like that, unless you allow it,

so... don't allow it.

You deserve someone who can't wait to introduce

everyone in the world to his other half.

Its our own buisness. I help with promotion., advertising , Public Relations etc. May be difficult.

Yes thank You, I believe i deserve the best too... omg.. he has been cheating behind my back all this while?... i used to get a feel.. i wold ask him .. he would deny... but this shd be enough for me to realise that he has been... all along....

Hi guys.. after nearly a month of silence.. and 4 yrs of deep love.. a yr of sticking to my guns........ one phone call... at 2.30 am from the man of my life.... all he said.." Will you marry me"....... :-).... i could only cry... i fly down next month to choose the rented place we will move into.....

Thank u all for hearing me out ...... :-)

wow how tragic this tale is