Should I just give up?

that's ultimately your choice isn't it? Are you expecting someone to say yes or no?

I guess I just want to know if this sounds like a line, or if he is genuine. He certainly strikes me as genuine when we speak, but maybe I have just been screwed over too much! lol

I'm dealing with someone a bit like you at the moment. and I'll say the same thing to her as I'm about to say to you

for fuck sakes woman make your mind up, I've already made mine up.

Hahahaha! I like him a lot! But I don't get this radio silence, space sure. But this seems extreme.

He's listening to you by slowing down. So remember you halted this in the first place. He's being a little pissy because it offended you and in turn it offended his own pride.

What you need to do is talk to him and make plans because he probably doesn't know what is 'too clingy' and what is not at the moment.

Truth is there will be times where he'll seem distant that's just the way we are.

Hes highly advanced at playing. His initial cancelling on you and then wondering whether you where mad at him or not was his way of testing you and your emo boundaries. His latest disappearance is deliberate and he is expecting you to chase him and get all emo. I would hang back and mirror him or cut off all contact, this is not a good sign. This is the same story ALL over this astro forum. Get Close... Disappear...Reappear...see how she reacts (hopefully she cares enough to get crazy and chase me)... disappear again for a long time. Wait for her to contact me in the meantime Im doing this with several other women and the ones stupid enough to chase me back I will continue to string along...

Im a former moderater on several seduction forums for men and I can tell you the ones that seem the nicest and most into you are sometimes the best players.

If a man is GENUINELY interested they don't disappear for too long.

Thankyou miss/mister forum master of seduction.

People like you make normal people lives full of pointless mind games. I salute you.

well I hope to expose everything! These games are cruel...

Usually there is a female "high" before the disappearance act (sex or a fun time or I love you etc).

I tell most of the women I know to WAIT as long as possible before sex. I plan on writing more to expose gaming tactics on the relationship forum when I have more time.

Thanks for all the feedback guys, I appreciate it!

aquasnoz: For some reason I can't bring myself to initiate contact on this occasion, I suppose I am feeling a little angry about the whole thing and don't want to fly off the handle, if he comes forward like he has in the past I will calmly initiate a conversation about it again.

Impressme: Thats a fair point, he does seem to listen very closely to what I say. I tried to tell him I don't need him to hold back quite so much but he interrupted me to say that I was right all along and he agrees, he doesn't want to skip the "get to know you" phase.

Cocokat: I don't get a player/manipulator vibe from him. The last two times this happened it was clear he had been analyzing very deeply and did eventually come forward and explain his distance/share his thoughts about us.

Saying that, I have been tricked before and I don't want that to happen again. I have been purposely avoiding any sort of game playing, because I'm looking for an authentic connection. Instead I have kept my independent streak and have simply let him keep coming around. I do agree however that he "tests" I have picked this up myself, he asks things that I KNOW are to gauge my level of interest, when he does this I tend to respond quite nonchalantly, but later I may give him an unexpected compliment or say something sweet on my own terms.

Posted by satoristarlight
Thanks for all the feedback guys, I appreciate it!

aquasnoz: For some reason I can't bring myself to initiate contact on this occasion, I suppose I am feeling a little angry about the whole thing and don't want to fly off the handle, if he comes forward like he has in the past I will calmly initiate a conversation about it again.

Impressme: Thats a fair point, he does seem to listen very closely to what I say. I tried to tell him I don't need him to hold back quite so much but he interrupted me to say that I was right all along and he agrees, he doesn't want to skip the "get to know you" phase.

Cocokat: I don't get a player/manipulator vibe from him. The last two times this happened it was clear he had been analyzing very deeply and did eventually come forward and explain his distance/share his thoughts about us.

Saying that, I have been tricked before and I don't want that to happen again. I have been purposely avoiding any sort of game playing, because I'm looking for an authentic connection. Instead I have kept my independent streak and have simply let him keep coming around. I do agree however that he "tests" I have picked this up myself, he asks things that I KNOW are to gauge my level of interest, when he does this I tend to respond quite nonchalantly, but later I may give him an unexpected compliment or say something sweet on my own terms.

Sounds like you know what to do and its kinda working for you. I wouldn't be so quick to take him back after any long disappearances or he may get the vibe its ok to treat you like this on a regular basis. Mirroring behavior works miracles. if hes not interested in you that much he'll simply move on and if he is he'll step up to the plate.

Posted by impressmee

Posted by satoristarlight
Impressme: Thats a fair point, he does seem to listen very closely to what I say. I tried to tell him I don't need him to hold back quite so much but he interrupted me to say that I was right all along and he agrees, he doesn't want to skip the "get to know you" phase.

Good.
So now get to know each other.
Sometimes it's nice to miss each other.

click to expand

Ugh I hate extreme's! he's taken it too far the opposite way. My Venus in Gemini makes me easily lose interest, but the Cancer in me want's to make sure I'm not letting go too easily, very conflicting!

Sounds like you know what to do and its kinda working for you. I wouldn't be so quick to take him back after any long disappearances or he may get the vibe its ok to treat you like this on a regular basis. Mirroring behavior works miracles. if hes not interested in you that much he'll simply move on and if he is he'll step up to the plate.

I quite like the mirroring theory, afterall whats good for the Goose is good for the gander, I'm not sure I have the patience though I'll probably just end up saying something like "Flaky guys turn me off" and then if he walks, he walks.

We met 8 years ago and liked each other a lot but we were both with others, we re-connected 6 weeks ago and immediately started dating, despite a few "serious talks" we haven't put a label on it.

If he want's to leave because I have boundaries I'll gladly tell him not to let the door hit him too hard on the way out. All I really want is that awesome communication I know he's a master at. Not the silent treatment. You know if I have pissed him off he can tell me to my face, I may not agree but I'll listen.

sth is off...you can stay around and find out, or...you could mind your own business....really mind it...

people may not be ready for a relationship and not even realise it at the moment things happen/develop...that's why you'd better trust facts, actions and less words...

Posted by satoristarlight
So I came here before and got some great advice.

You might remember I am the Cancer lady who asked her Aqua to slow down because he came on so strong after the first date.

He respected that and over the next 5 weeks we fell in to a nice pattern of talking most days, going on dates or him staying over 1-2 a week.

I was happy with it, he came and stayed over last week and also asked if he could spend the weekend with me, then Friday rolled around and I got a flurry of messages from him saying he felt he was going to smother me and scare me away. I told him it was cool but he didn't have to come over. He reiterated that he felt he was being too full on(he isn't at all) and we broke plans.

After that he kept asking if I was upset, I said no but it's a pet peeve of mine when someone makes plans and just breaks them. I added that at this stage this worrying about coming on too strong was setting off my "BS detector" He laughed and said "I don't BS but you're right that was a shitty thing to do, I'm sorry"

We talked a little more, I told him I had missed him he said he missed me too.

Since then NOTHING, Not a peep, five days on he has today "liked" one of my photos but still no contact. I am starting to wonder if he's just not that in to me.

He has done this before twice in 6 weeks but both times I left him alone and he came back stronger, still he has never left it this long before. 1-2 days was always the max.

Is it time to write him off?

He's probably worried still that he's coming on to strong. maybe you should ease his worries becuase he may think that having to worry about how he should be may be enough for him to think its too difficult being around you LOL

Posted by mz
sth is off...you can stay around and find out, or...you could mind your own business....really mind it...

people may not be ready for a relationship and not even realise it at the moment things happen/develop...that's why you'd better trust facts, actions and less words...

I agree Mz something does feel "off" but I don't know if it's that he's being sincere.

Mystified, this has happened before, he went dead silent on me about 2 weeks ago, After 3 days he called me, he seemed quite frantic and said he was going crazy, because he didn't want to come on too strong he felt like he was going to the other extreme and ignoring me. I told him to relax, we went on a date after that and it was amazing! then he started staying over at my place, but now here we are again.

I'm torn between sending him a text asking if he's okay to open a dialogue, and just letting it be, ignoring him back and just moving on, then if he really cares he can do something to get my attention. I really don't know.

If you text him now you'll see this behavior again soon in the future, perhaps for longer time away. Wait for him, he'll be on his best behavior if he returns and if he doesn't then perhaps you slept with him to soon. Pay attention to that feeling of "off" and not knowing his sincerity, that's your intuition. Could be wrong but its there for a reason.

Posted by CocoKat
If you text him now you'll see this behavior again soon in the future, perhaps for longer time away. Wait for him, he'll be on his best behavior if he returns and if he doesn't then perhaps you slept with him to soon. Pay attention to that feeling of "off" and not knowing his sincerity, that's your intuition. Could be wrong but its there for a reason.

Maybe you're right, I hate to look at things through such a jaded lens, but maybe in this day and age it's realistic. My instinct does tell me he's interested, there's this look he gives me which suggests he adores me, but I also can't make sense of the hot/cold stuff. Ah maybe I am better off just forgetting about this one.

Aren't aquas notorious for taking a break/space/wanting to be alone? And then coming back wanting to be all lovey squishy and all that stuff?

I think they like things non dramatic and smooth and him having to worry probably is too much for him to take.

Just ease his mind and have a small talk when he returns 🙂

Posted by IAmMystified
Aren't aquas notorious for taking a break/space/wanting to be alone? And then coming back wanting to be all lovey squishy and all that stuff?

I think they like things non dramatic and smooth and him having to worry probably is too much for him to take.

Just ease his mind and have a small talk when he returns 🙂

Yeah I may do this, but if it happens again like this I think I'll be gone for good, space is fine with me, I'm pretty independent myself, but 5 days and not so much as a hello? definitely not, it's not even worth having.

There is absolutely no drama between us and that's what I like, whenever we have discussed the "relationship" it's been practical, calm and possibly even "intellectualized" we both seem to enjoy it and it brings us closer every time, then later... bam he's gone again and I'm left wondering WTF.

Posted by CocoKat
I tell most of the women I know to WAIT as long as possible before sex. I plan on writing more to expose gaming tactics on the relationship forum when I have more time.

Amen!!!

Posted by truecap

Posted by CocoKat
I tell most of the women I know to WAIT as long as possible before sex. I plan on writing more to expose gaming tactics on the relationship forum when I have more time.

click to expand

Sadly I can't hop in my time machine and undo it, normally I would hold off for two months + but with him I only made it 3 weeks. I'd like to think it didn't change anything but who knows.

On our second date he had me pinned against a wall with my arms above my head kissing my neck, I was literally weak at the knees but I still pushed him out the door haha

I know, HOT chemistry is so addictive (for women)... the way you feel after you have sex with the man you like and you want more with HIM, unless he really, really likes you and is emotionally attached already he will crave that with someone new and if he cant get it with someone new he will go to who he knows (fwb), this is how most males are wired, that's WHY fwb's rarely work out. Committed sexual relationships are Hollywood stories, that is not how the male sex drive works, its a "spread your seed" mentality.

Posted by CocoKat
I know, HOT chemistry is so addictive (for women)... the way you feel after you have sex with the man you like and you want more with HIM, unless he really, really likes you and is emotionally attached already he will crave that with someone new and if he cant get it with someone new he will go to who he knows (fwb), this is how most males are wired, that's WHY fwb's rarely work out. Committed sexual relationships are Hollywood stories, that is not how the male sex drive works, its a "spread your seed" mentality.

I dunno if I buy in to this, I've waited months before and it hasn't worked out, I have also given it up right away before and found the guy to become completely obsessed with me! I think it's more about your attitude, you know if you start acting like some crazy smothering girlfriend after sex it's going to make him run for the hills, honestly I don't feel any different, and he has taken me on romantic dates since we first had sex...I don't think he'd bother if he only cared about spreading his seed. I think this is a bit of an outdated view. Personally I advocate holding off for as long as possible, but I'm not convinced it's the issue here.

I hadn't realized he has taken you out after you've had sex. Clearly that is not the case for you, my apologies, It is the case for many women who do fall into bed right away but it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. I do really hope it works out for you though.

Posted by CocoKat
I hadn't realized he has taken you out after you've had sex. Clearly that is not the case for you, my apologies, It is the case for many women who do fall into bed right away but it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. I do really hope it works out for you though.

aww thanks! Yeah he went distant briefly after it happened but I didn't worry about it, I just busied myself with other things, that's when the frantic phone call came from him about worrying about coming on too strong, he also said he'd been waiting for me to finalize some plans, that week he took me out on a romantic dinner and since then he's been coming over just to hang out and be around me. Even if I had to work he would just chill on my couch until I was done and he could spend time with me. But now all this fear about coming on too strong again and this absence.

When he broke plans for the weekend he actually offered to take me out instead on the saturday but he could tell I wasn't impressed with him so in the end we never went. I'm tempted to think it's a genuine fear he has, when I asked him to back off all those weeks ago he really took it hard. Said he'd been telling his friends and family about me and walking around with a daft grin on his face, but now he wasn't going to know how to act around me but that he would figure it out somehow.

I'm feeling pretty frustrated, I miss him, I can see he has been online but he hasn't spoken, just liked my picture...wth is that? haha

Posted by satoristarlight

Posted by CocoKat
I hadn't realized he has taken you out after you've had sex. Clearly that is not the case for you, my apologies, It is the case for many women who do fall into bed right away but it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. I do really hope it works out for you though.

aww thanks! Yeah he went distant briefly after it happened but I didn't worry about it, I just busied myself with other things, that's when the frantic phone call came from him about worrying about coming on too strong, he also said he'd been waiting for me to finalize some plans, that week he took me out on a romantic dinner and since then he's been coming over just to hang out and be around me. Even if I had to work he would just chill on my couch until I was done and he could spend time with me. But now all this fear about coming on too strong again and this absence.

When he broke plans for the weekend he actually offered to take me out instead on the saturday but he could tell I wasn't impressed with him so in the end we never went. I'm tempted to think it's a genuine fear he has, when I asked him to back off all those weeks ago he really took it hard. Said he'd been telling his friends and family about me and walking around with a daft grin on his face, but now he wasn't going to know how to act around me but that he would figure it out somehow.

I'm feeling pretty frustrated, I miss him, I can see he has been online but he hasn't spoken, just liked my picture...wth is that? haha

click to expand

I think the balls in his court. You sound like you were doing all the right things before this last disappearance by not chasing him, allowing him to step forward then responding (not right away).. that's whats been working and keeping him coming back. I would stick to that recipe and not chase him no matter how excrutiating, he will return at some point.

also sometimes guys test us to see how strong we are and you will have more of his respect if you continue to feed him the same treatment that has him coming back to you.

It's possible he is testing me, but he could just be sulking because I mentioned my "BS radar" after we sorted that out he was acting very attentive, almost like me standing up for myself had made him take notice and be softer, that's why this is so confusing.

I have a feeling it could be a test to see if I will contact him so he can see if I care, but he should really know by now that I do.

I doubt I will mirror him exactly, because I'd have to outright ignore him which is something he has never done to me, it would definitely show as game playing. Instead if he contacts me I will ask him directly if this is normal for him, if he says yes I will move on. But usually after a period of distance he comes back with an explanation.

If he wasn't so sweet/such a good communicator and if he had ever played games, I would just cut my losses, but he's a real sweetheart. I just can't go through this for the foreseeable future, so here's hoping we can work it out.

You seem to have good insight and intuition into him, he maybe testing you to see if you contact him, if you really "care" but if you do he will continue to test his way out of this relationhip. You will lose respect if you cave, not initially but he will see you as weak and the tests will continue, trust me. Do you reward a sulking baby?

Yep that's my opinion too, I'll continue to show positive reinforcement for the nice dates and the direct communication, but I have never even mentioned these distant phases, I usually act like I didn't even notice. This time I won't though. I'm not going to run the risk of any man "training" me to tolerate silent treatment! 😉

Well, it's been just over a week now since we spoke. I guess it's over.

Posted by satoristarlight
Well, it's been just over a week now since we spoke. I guess it's over.

I'm not a relationship expert, but I can't understand calling a SHORT period in which he doesn't initiate contact with you a 'disappearance'. That hardly means that its over.

If you're that bothered by a lack of contact, then tell him and contact him yourself. If you play games with someone, they are probably going to play games with you as well.

agreed. Contact him once...if you still don't hear from him, then I'm inclined to agree with you.

Posted by augustmoon

Posted by satoristarlight
Well, it's been just over a week now since we spoke. I guess it's over.

I'm not a relationship expert, but I can't understand calling a SHORT period in which he doesn't initiate contact with you a 'disappearance'. That hardly means that its over.

If you're that bothered by a lack of contact, then tell him and contact him yourself. If you play games with someone, they are probably going to play games with you as well.

click to expand

Really? this is normal to you? I have never known a guy vanish unless it's over.

I'm not playing games at all, I just figured if he wanted to talk to me, he would talk to me

Posted by IAmMystified
agreed. Contact him once...if you still don't hear from him, then I'm inclined to agree with you.

I think if I contact him and he doesn't respond I'll feel even worse than I do now :/

Posted by aquasnoz
Thankyou miss/mister forum master of seduction.

People like you make normal people lives full of pointless mind games. I salute you.

Yeah not only is modern dating fucked up because no one knows what to do anymore.

Now we have to read mind games into anything.

Sometimes people are just people..thus flaky. Sometimes it's not a part of a bigger chess game you aren't privy to.

Satoristarlight, I just saw this now.. Im sorry for you he hasn't stepped up to the plate, but Im certain he will after some time. I admire your strength for not chasing after him, If you read all the threads all over this website chasing after a disappearing man does not lead to a happy ending.. good you're smart enough to realize that. Im sure he'll come back after he realizes you're not falling for that bullcrap.

and if he doesn't, that's his loss!

rom one Cancer to another, I just wanted to share my experience with you and give you some advice... I can't help but notice on this board how many Aqua/Cancer matches seem to get together. It is a very intense match, and one of my best friends who is an Aqua lady is married to a Cancer and had another previous relationship with a Cancer where she was very very happy as well and has been well cared for and fulfilled. But with the men I just don't think they suit us best. Iniaitelly, it's electric, it's magical, and that's mainly on a sexual and physical level I have never had anyone take me where he has..

Anyway, I'm just saying... As Cancer's we need emotional fulfillment to move forward and prolong our relationships and I've always heard don't talk about emotions or feelings with an Aquarius at least the men, they're not good with it. Another thing is the communication, which seems to have a block primarily in those areas. Not to mention they are so so indirect. Never answering a question directly, which often keeps and sends mixed messages thus making you waste time if he's not really interested. As a Cancer a cardinal sign we can't always just read between the lines and if we do we tend to take it the wrong way which can ruin everything altogether. I've just noticed these men very rarely so fully merge their lives with another or are really consistent. I've gone on other boards and many others are stating the same thing about the disappearance, or confusion, or elusiveness. Even the ones who are married to them aren't really happy with the union, at least from what I saw you get more of the same of what you're experiencing now.. It all has to happen on his terms, and his time. All I'm saying is don't waste any more time and move forward.. As Cancers yes we love we love hard and it's hard to let go, it might be awhile before you do but don't put it in any more effort into someone who's not putting effort and energy to you as later on you might feel resentment. The potential is out of this world but we also have to remember it's just potential. And no this is not a diss to Aquas, I love them they are one of my favorite signs. But I think we do better as friends. Very special friendship.

I have to agree with prettyladii, I am going thru the same situation. Had great effort the first month, great chemistry I could feel the excitment coming off him when we were together, then he slowly backed off. After a month of stressing, worrying and yes almost crying I gave care to the wind and low and behold Mr. Aqua started coming on strong. When I told him I was busy when HE decided he wanted to see me, he pouted asked why I didn't want to see him, told me he's made time for me on his lunch break and in between his two jobs. When he saw his crying didn't work, he calmed down and started back communicating again via text. After reading a bunch of posts, I agree the back and forth, disappearing acts and being so vague is just not worth it in my book. Good luck!

the whole back and forth game can go on for 10 + yrs if you let it. And even then he'll end it when he's ready and feels like it's been enough or go marry or be with someone else... no haven't had this happen to me, but seen it on other boards they are fine carrying on long term relationships where you only talk a couple times a yr or see each other a few times a yr. They seem to express love differently than we do, and we just aren't going to get all that we need from them. I know of one couple where it's Aqua m/ Cancer F but I don't have the charts to know why it works, but my guess is he's not a typical, fully authentic Aqua.

Any woman will get tired of initiating all the time too, or feeling like she is carrying the relationship.