Need a diplomatic solution

Libra is supposed to be the diplomatic sign, so I think that I need some Libran advice...

Okay, here is the deal:

My ex-bf (Cap) and I had been dating for a long time. Unfortunately, over the course of a several year relationship, I grew quite a bit (and him, being ~10 years older, did not). I am not entirely certain if our issues were always present and we never bothered to notice, or if our issues are a result of the "growth" I experienced over the course of our relationship. Either way, at some point recently, we realized that the only things keeping the relationship together at this point was sex and our few mutual interests. In the end, I suppose we both realized that we didn't like each other. When we met, it would have seemed on the surface that, for the most part, we were on the same page, but over our relationship we came to find that we differed greatly (especially in the things that we value in life). I had, at one point, hoped that he would want to grow with me, but change and going outside his comfort zone is not something that is in his vocabulary. Perhaps it is my fault, this was a "rebound" relationship that perhaps I should have known better than to get into. Doesn't matter, I suppose...

Prior to the official disolution of our relationship, he began shagging a woman from work, even having the audacity to spend a few hours chatting with her on the phone with me sitting right there. But, whatever... (Granted, doesn't stop him from trying to get a piece of ass when around, but, hey, he's her problem now...)

Now, the vast majority of the time (6 days a week or so) he spends at his new girlfriend's house, which is fine with me on some level because I would rather just not see him. But, getting to the problem, we currently own a house together, and, when he isn't shagging his new girlfriend, we live together. The problem is that he doesn't seem to see this situation as a problem, while obviously I do. When we bought this house, we got a fixer upper house cause he liked working on things and had very specific tastes (which would have require remodelling any house we boguht). The rooms we have finished, rock, but unfortunately, we are not done yet... And, he has absolutely no interest in helping me finish so we can sell the house and I, too, can move on with my life. I do not know how to motivate him into helping... I would hire someone to do it, but I was intending to use that money to go back to school (I have decided to change my occupation), and I have little doubts I would not be able get him to pay for half of it. Anyway, I am frustrated to the point that I am stuck...

I have tried hard to not blow my top. To attempt to find compromises and to attempt to be reasonable, and I don't think that expecting him to help with half (money or time) is too much to ask... But, for the life of me, I am lost. I do not know what to do...

I hate to break it to you but you can't compromise with a Capricorn, you either win or lose. Which is it going to be?

It is kind of like when I ended my business partnership. The situaiton was similar in where I would have had to pretty much destroy the guys personal, professional life and character to get any money back out of it. I have no hard feelings for the guy so I didn't. I took a risk, invested and it didn't work out, I moved on, water under the bridge...money comes and goes. Are you able to look at it that way? Or are you gonna have to strap up and take what you want? Kinda how it works with them.

You guys aren't married so you really have no leverage over the situation. Your going to have to make him want to get away from you and away from the house. He doesn't now because you are making it easy on him, it is perfect for him, he has a comfortable living situation and does what he wants with whoever he wants and yous sit back and deal with it. That has to change first.

"you can't compromise with a Capricorn, you either win or lose."

You are telling me... Looks like I lose. Hahahaha! 🙂

Hmmm... I know many ways to make the SOB want to leave (I am still a Scorp). That being said, I am not certain that is a path I wish to tread. Not out of some harbored feelings for him, merely lines I have drawn in the sand for myself...

Yeah, I suppose I have made it easy on him, but I was trying to be the "big person" and not act emotional and irrationally to the situation. Perhaps that was wrong... Perhaps it is not being the "big person", but merely not dealing with it at all. I really don't know at this point...

It has crossed my mind to just fork out the money and cut my losses. I was just sondering if there was anything I was missing. If anyone had any suggestions that I had over looked...

You could make his life hell *wink* and he might not be able to get out of there quick enough—

Nic is probably right....he's on a good thing, why would he WANT to leave? You're being TOO nice!!!

Joint owners, which is my problem... An attorney is a good idea. I think I will setup an appointment tomorrow with one next week. Hadn't thought about that. See, that is why I came to the Libras... 🙂


"nce the new girlfriend get's involved, as in wanting to move in with him, it will get real ugly for you."

Actually, I would kill for it. I would sign over my half in a minute, no money, nothing (he can have my half of the equity), but then he wouldn't have someone to pay half the bills... Argh!

its half yours why would you give your half away??

You are TOO nice!!!

Because I want to freaking leave... My half doesn't mean anything but money if we sold it, but there are more important things to me than money. I am stuck in this prison, this hell, I am ready to just about anything...

Perhaps him coming home with a man in our bed might help?!? 😉

Talk to the lawyer.

It sounds like your not a very vengeful person. Neither am I.

What I would do is get a lawer involved like recommended above, and instead of trying to convince him to sell it see if this is possible.

-Get a property lawer.
-Get the house appraised.
---Have the house appraised at the current value and projected value at completion.
---Average the two.
-Have your boyfriend refinance the house for the value of the appraisal, so he is financing the equity as well and gets a cash sum.
-Have the boyfriend hand you the cash for your half.

**You are basically selling him your half of the house for the projected value of the house**

Find out if there is a way you can use his original stated intention of fixing it up, and selling it as a verbal contract to hold him to legally. Many states hold a lot of value in verbal agreements, just like a contract.

"Perhaps him coming home with a man in our bed might help?!? "

This is what I was thinking. A friend in need.... 😉

I being a scorp wouldn't just want to walk away. It is half yours - agreein with Chatz. If you can walk away and you don't care about the money. Do it!!!

"It sounds like your not a very vengeful person. Neither am I."

Perhaps at some point, but I found the resentment and anger I harbored allowed those people to hurt me far worse than I could ever hurt them. And, in the end, I was hurting myself. It is just not worth it...

I can't say I don't imagine it on occasion, though. But, even then, it is so much easier to let go of seeing how pointless it is. It achieve nothing, nothing but hate and pain, and why add more?

Okay, right... Off the my soap box. Sorry...

"What I would do is get a lawer involved like recommended above, and instead of trying to convince him to sell it see if this is possible."

Good idea, I just don't think he would do it. He likes having someone to pay half the bills, and his new gf has kids and her own house (and probably would allow him to permanently move in with her). So, it work out well for him.

But, perhaps the lawyer can find an option.

"This is what I was thinking. A friend in need.... "

You offering? 😉

LOL

"I being a scorp wouldn't just want to walk away."

So, do I get my Scorpio decoder ring taken away?!?

"If you can walk away and you don't care about the money. Do it!!!"

I would, if I could... Haha! Ain't that how it always goes... 🙂

"Perhaps at some point, but I found the resentment and anger I harbored allowed those people to hurt me far worse than I could ever hurt them. And, in the end, I was hurting myself. It is just not worth it... "

True but however you do own half of the house, and there is a solution here somewhere, you just need to find the right angle.

"Good idea, I just don't think he would do it. He likes having someone to pay half the bills, and his new gf has kids and her own house (and probably would allow him to permanently move in with her). So, it work out well for him. "

He might not have a choice. Seeing as how your not married to each other the judge is likely to look at this from the point of a business venture considering that property ownership is a form of income. I would be like if the two of you shared a business and you want out, that is the angle you need to look at this from. A judge will help set the stage for this. Legally you own half of whatever that house is worth, so, that is what the judge is going to focus on.

"You offering? 😉 "

I am game, my only stipulation is that we do it so that you are screaming my name in the kitchen counter, or table when he comes home from work. I mean, if your going to do it, do it right ya know? Then I will walk around your half of the house naked and see if it finally sinks in that only half that place is his. Might change his mind right quick.

"So, do I get my Scorpio decoder ring taken away?!?"

No, it just seems that your Gemini moon has an intillectual/rational effect on you which is awesome.

"I would, if I could... Haha! Ain't that how it always goes..."

well I wouldn't go that far yet. At this point it is still I will if I can, a lawyer will clear this up for you. Have a conversation with your boyfriend about the situation and document it in some way. If he does his usual "I don't want to" and you have it somehow documented you can actually probably bill him for the legal costs. After all, this is a business deal that he is essentially backing out of if your lawyer can spin it that way.

I totally agree with KennyG.

He either buys you out or you agree to sell regardless of whether it is finished or not.

If you don't care about the money, just find a place and tell him you are moving out on such a such a date.

** in our bed

Why are you still sharing a bed?

Don't feel bad about moving out. He is a big boy. He can find a roommate or pay for all the bills himself.

"He will slowly not pay his half, you will have to come up with the difference."

Thankfully, I shouldn't have to worry about this issue (hopefully). My ex-Cap is neurotic about his credit rating and combs through his credit report atleast every six months to make sure everything is being reported properly.

"** in our bed

Why are you still sharing a bed?"

Sorry, habit... I was referring to the bed we previously shared (which was our bed).


Update:

Okay, so I had a nice conversation with my ex-Cap this morning before we left for work (nice meaning I bit my tongue a number of times). While I was still very much considering the lawyer option, another motivational idea popped in my head last night in bed that I wanted to give a go before switching on bitch mode.

So, my ex-Cappie is a tried and true stereotypical Cap. Several months ago he was going on and on about this fancy new motor for his M3 that would give him blah-blah-blah-blah more HP (sorry, after helping him spend a month picking out the perfect rims and another month helping him decide on a paint scheme for his carbon-fiber hood and trunk lid, my patience in hearing about yet another toy for his precious car while our relationship spiraled down to nothingness was exceedingly limited). Anyway, apparently all he needed to get it was another 15k (which he amusingly quipped that perhaps I would let him borrow). Well, I find it unlikely that he is still not foaming at the bit for this new engine.

So, in our conversation I reminded him that the money he would get from sellign the house would more than help him get his little engine, and subsequently the admiration and idolization of all his little car buddies and every other person that might cross his path on the street. Okay, so I left out that last part, but I didn't need to say it. I could see those thoughts forming in his head as I spoke... Apparently, that lit a fire under his ass, cause he quickly responded that he has to go out of town for work until next Friday (a fact I alreayd knew about), but will be free from that point forward and then began making lists of things that need to be done so he can figure out how to get them all done as quickly as possible. Damn, that boy wants that engine...

That being said, I am still wondering if I want to go to that effort. I am ready for this to be done, now. Perhaps I can offer him my half of the equity for him to buy me out. It should more than cover what would have been my half of the bills (once it is sold) and I can just cut my losses and go... That or perhaps just talk him into putting the house on the market as is, though given the market, it might take a while to sell.

While I can see some moderate satisfaction from the lawyer route and ensuring I get my "half", in the end, it is just going draw this crap out. It is over, I am done, good-bye... Except that it is not... Argh!

Anyways, I am about to leave to get my pedicure and nails done (was going yesterday, but it started SNOWING). Then my Aqua gf and I are going to the "boy toy" store...

Have a good night!

Well, that was a complete waste of a wonderful Friday. Was going quite well, until I spent 3 hours dealing with DRAMA between my Aqua gf and her on-again/off-again worst-case scenario Scorp bf...

Drinking is probably not good for me. I was about one exceedingly derogatory and offensive remark away from cutting that "man" down to size (one way or another). He would have most certainly thought twice about calling any woman such things again, much less his girlfriend. But, not my man, not my choice, not my business... Happy place... Happy place...

Damn, and I nabbed a cute one (before everything went psycho). Beautiful brown eyes, nice butt! Why does everything work out like this?!? Oh well, tomorrow night...

How did everyone else's night fair? Better than mine, I hope. Spill the details...

meh it was a slow friday night for me. A couple of friends came over, lots of drinks were had, storied, debating.....flirting. Nothing special though pretty laid back fiday night. My room mate came home a few minutes ago with a couple of frieds. Just keeping myself entertained at this point.

Good job on restraining yourself. He probably needed a good cutting down, if there is anything I can't sit by and take it is a man treating a woman poorly. But, it probably would have caused further problems, turned the focus from their issues to him having a bone to pick with you and giving her greif about it.

"meh it was a slow friday night for me."

Haha! Sounds like your slow Friday night blew mine away...


"Good job on restraining yourself."

Right... Don't get me wrong, though. My girl can hold her own, but sitting back and doing nothing is not something that comes easily to me...

"doing nothing is not something that comes easily to me..."

Believe me I know, but it is commendable that you did. Aqua girls rarely need help in standing their ground either..but the fact that you are a scorpio girl with the maturity to pick your fights is awesome.

"but the fact that you are a scorpio girl with the maturity to pick your fights is awesome."

Now, don't give me more credit than credit is due. I have to admit, while my brain is capable of perhaps seeing the logic of my actions (or lack of), there is another part of me that screams that it is lacking in dedication, lacking in follow through, lacking in passion. That it is weak...

But, I believe emotions are tools to be utilized to achieve your goals, and when they become the sole basis for your actions without the support of objective thought (and, unfortunately, at times they truly can), they cease being tools to utilize and control you. They cease helping you to achieve your goals and, ultimately, can become the primary instigators in the destruction of them.

I suppose I have more recently turned my "conquering" nature inward, right or wrong. I am not entirely certain yet if the "way" I have chosen is right, as I find there are still time I am quite a bit at odds with myself. But, I will give it a go. And, where it fails, where it fails short, I will adapt and someday I have no doubts that I will succeed (and, will eventually be at peace)...

A girl has got to have her goals... 🙂