LibraSid
@LibraSid
15 Years1,000+ PostsLibra
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Chuck Norris
P.S. I was going to post this in the jokes forum, but Chuck Norris is no joke!
You better hide that post before Chuck Norris hears about it... 😛
I mean come on, the world WAS flat until Chuck Norris looked at it, then it rolled up into a ball.
How can you compete with that?
I mean come on, the world WAS flat until Chuck Norris looked at it, then it rolled up into a ball.
How can you compete with that?
He speaks braille!
The devil didn't go down to Georgia to steal souls, he was hiding from Chuck Norris. The guy shaves with a belt sander! He doesn't even have a reflection in a mirror... there can be only one Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can choke you to life.
He used to appear in movies but can't anymore.
They wanted him in The Expendables but everyone knows Chuck Norris isn't expendable.
He was going to star in 300, but a movie called 1 wasn't as dramatic.
They don't even make Chuck Norris video games, they'd be too easy.
They wanted him in The Expendables but everyone knows Chuck Norris isn't expendable.
He was going to star in 300, but a movie called 1 wasn't as dramatic.
They don't even make Chuck Norris video games, they'd be too easy.
Haha, I'm reading some more of these things. This stuff is really funny.
- Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
- Chuck Norris sees when Santa is sleeping.
- Chuck Norris once hit a 475 foot homerun into the upper decks at Yankee Stadium, he was bunting.
- When Chuck Norris swims with sharks, the sharks wear chain mail suits.
- Chuck Norris can flush a port-a-potty.
- Chuck Norris went on Deal or No Deal, the bankers first offer was one million dollars, he knew better than to try and bargain with Chuck Norris.
- Some people wear Superman pajamas, Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
- Chuck Norris died twenty years ago, Death is just afraid to tell him.
- Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with a full cylinder. He always goes first, and he always wins.
- Chuck Norris doesn't think, he knows.
- Chuck Norris can cut a hot knife with butter.
- Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
- Chuck Norris sees when Santa is sleeping.
- Chuck Norris once hit a 475 foot homerun into the upper decks at Yankee Stadium, he was bunting.
- When Chuck Norris swims with sharks, the sharks wear chain mail suits.
- Chuck Norris can flush a port-a-potty.
- Chuck Norris went on Deal or No Deal, the bankers first offer was one million dollars, he knew better than to try and bargain with Chuck Norris.
- Some people wear Superman pajamas, Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
- Chuck Norris died twenty years ago, Death is just afraid to tell him.
- Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with a full cylinder. He always goes first, and he always wins.
- Chuck Norris doesn't think, he knows.
- Chuck Norris can cut a hot knife with butter.
This stuff has me in stitches...
We are taught as kids not to talk to strangers, strangers are taught not to talk to Chuck Norris.
"The Black Eyed Peas" used to be just "The Peas" until they met Chuck Norris.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
——? —— u?? p—_—?_ ??sno??puno?_ ??o?? ??sn?_ no?_ 's—— p—??_ u—? no?_ —
Chuck Norris can shoot someone at point blank range and still have time to roundhouse kick them in the face before the bullet hits them.
Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a mullet, his beard has back hair.
Women have XX chromosomes, men have XY... Chuck Norris has YY because he is twice the man of the ordinary human man.
Chuck Norris wears sun glasses to protect the sun from his eyes.
Chuck Norris frequently calls 911 just to see of he can help out.
The Greeks created the Olympics for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris created the Special Olympics for the rest of us.
According to the Law of Relativity, Chuck Norris can kick you yesterday.
If Chuck Norris kicked Kenny, he'd stay dead.
We are taught as kids not to talk to strangers, strangers are taught not to talk to Chuck Norris.
"The Black Eyed Peas" used to be just "The Peas" until they met Chuck Norris.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
——? —— u?? p—_—?_ ??sno??puno?_ ??o?? ??sn?_ no?_ 's—— p—??_ u—? no?_ —
Chuck Norris can shoot someone at point blank range and still have time to roundhouse kick them in the face before the bullet hits them.
Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a mullet, his beard has back hair.
Women have XX chromosomes, men have XY... Chuck Norris has YY because he is twice the man of the ordinary human man.
Chuck Norris wears sun glasses to protect the sun from his eyes.
Chuck Norris frequently calls 911 just to see of he can help out.
The Greeks created the Olympics for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris created the Special Olympics for the rest of us.
According to the Law of Relativity, Chuck Norris can kick you yesterday.
If Chuck Norris kicked Kenny, he'd stay dead.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as Frodo for Lord of The Rings but they had to recast Frodo because Chuck Norris simply crushed the ring in his hand.
Unlike in Chess, Chuck Norris doesn't need to say 'check', he is always one move from beating you.
Space is continually expanding in a futile effort to escape Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knows a word that rhymes with orange.
Only Chuck Norris can 'dislike' on Facebook.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to mow his lawn, he stands on the porch and dares the grass to grow.
There used to be a street named Chuck Norris but it had to be changed because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Only once in history has Chuck Norris ever snapped his fingers, scientists call it The Big Bang.
Chuck Norris has three meals a day; blood, sweat, and tears.
Pictures of Chuck Norris are considered currency in most countries
Chuck Norris' feminine side is manlier than the manliest man's manly side.
Unlike in Chess, Chuck Norris doesn't need to say 'check', he is always one move from beating you.
Space is continually expanding in a futile effort to escape Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knows a word that rhymes with orange.
Only Chuck Norris can 'dislike' on Facebook.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to mow his lawn, he stands on the porch and dares the grass to grow.
There used to be a street named Chuck Norris but it had to be changed because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Only once in history has Chuck Norris ever snapped his fingers, scientists call it The Big Bang.
Chuck Norris has three meals a day; blood, sweat, and tears.
Pictures of Chuck Norris are considered currency in most countries
Chuck Norris' feminine side is manlier than the manliest man's manly side.
I LOVE LOVE CHUCK NORRIS JOKES!!! 😄
Chuck norris lost his virginity before his father lost his.
Ozzy Osbourne once bit the head off a bat, not to be outdone Chuck Norris bit the head off of Batman.
"When Chuck Norris pokes you on Facebook, you feel it."
I'm adding him! 😛
but seriously,
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris' nutsack.
I'm adding him! 😛
but seriously,
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris' nutsack.
ROFLMAO
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
If you swallow a quarter and Chuck Norris round house kicks you in the stomach you will crap out two dimes and a nickel.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris doesn't teabag, he potato sacks.
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
If you swallow a quarter and Chuck Norris round house kicks you in the stomach you will crap out two dimes and a nickel.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris doesn't teabag, he potato sacks.
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Chuck Norris once went to Mars. Thats why there is no signs of life.
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Chuck Norris once went to Mars. Thats why there is no signs of life.
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of —beard??. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus?? obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker??s real father.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of —beard??. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus?? obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker??s real father.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse??_ horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, —Bang!??
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
if you play stairway to heaven backwards, you can hear chuck norris banging your sister
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, —Bang!??
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
if you play stairway to heaven backwards, you can hear chuck norris banging your sister
Posted by LibraSid
Okay, I know these jokes are stupid but they crack me up...
- Chuck Norris is the only person to have ever beaten a brick wall ina game of tennis.
- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits.
- Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- Chuck Norris can win a game of connect four in three moves.
- Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he DECIDES what time it is.
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity, twice.
- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
- Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
- When Chuck Norris pokes you on Facebook, you feel it.
- When Freddy Kruger sleeps he has nightmares of Chuck Norris.
- Outer space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
- When Chuck Norris finds fool's gold it automatically turns into real gold; Chuck Norris is nobody's fool.
- Chuck Norris was in all six Star Wars movies, he played THE FORCE.
- If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win forever.
- Rumor has it curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Hailey's Comet. It returns every 76 years to see if he is still on earth, then it leaves in fear.
- Chuck Norris has no father, he went back in time to father himself.
- Godzilla never attacked the USA because we sent him a picture of our defense plan, Chuck Norris.
- As a child Chuck Norris had to write a report on bravery, he received and A+ for simply writing his own name.
- Gazelles get chased by lions; lions get chased by Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
- Chuck Norris CAN talk about Fight Club.
Never laughed this hard in my life.
[''If Chuck Norris kicked Kenny, he'd stay dead.''
"The Black Eyed Peas" used to be just "The Peas" until they met Chuck Norris.''
''When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.''
- Chuck Norris can cut a hot knife with butter.']
OMFG. *DEAD*
Chuck Norris can empty a swimming pool, with a fork, in the rain.
When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.
And apparently quite the butt kicker!
ROFLOL And a furry Pisces too. His earlier movies, the man was a silverback!
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- Chuck Norris is the only person to have ever beaten a brick wall ina game of tennis.
- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits.
- Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- Chuck Norris can win a game of connect four in three moves.
- Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he DECIDES what time it is.
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity, twice.
- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
- Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
- When Chuck Norris pokes you on Facebook, you feel it.
- When Freddy Kruger sleeps he has nightmares of Chuck Norris.
- Outer space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
- When Chuck Norris finds fool's gold it automatically turns into real gold; Chuck Norris is nobody's fool.
- Chuck Norris was in all six Star Wars movies, he played THE FORCE.
- If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win forever.
- Rumor has it curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Hailey's Comet. It returns every 76 years to see if he is still on earth, then it leaves in fear.
- Chuck Norris has no father, he went back in time to father himself.
- Godzilla never attacked the USA because we sent him a picture of our defense plan, Chuck Norris.
- As a child Chuck Norris had to write a report on bravery, he received and A+ for simply writing his own name.
- Gazelles get chased by lions; lions get chased by Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
- Chuck Norris CAN talk about Fight Club.