Things that fuck with your head

And feel free to state your placements if you think it helps haha

Ok so the one thing that fucks with my head most is something I always do to myself. I’ll be in a really shit situation like at work where I’m working extremely hard because I’m a man and men have to do all the heavy lifting and I have customers that I’m serving and I’m maintaining my happy go getter guy attitude whilst simultaneously fantasising about hanging myself when I go home and then my manager will corner me in the back room (I hate being cornered) where there is no one around and victimise me over something small and petty and say this one sentence that for some reason becomes my undoing “do you like working here”? And it’s like my whole reality has narrowed in and I’ve got my two feet on the ground, time has stopped like I’m on a game show and everyone is anticipating what my Answer is and then finally the buzzer goes off and the game show says “times up” and I blurt out “Yes” while every atom of my being is screaming “NO” at the television. And it’s like losing a million dollars when I already knew the answer. Somewhere inside of me thinks if I say yes that my manager will see my commitment to my job and that I don’t complain and can take a lot but the truth is I can’t and I bottle so much shit up to the point that I cry at random innapropriate times. It’s like I have a curse on me that I can’t say how I feel, it’s like my throat chakra is constricted and something is choking me like an invisible monster from a sleep paralysis dream so I can’t scream.

Anyways that is something I need therapy over and hopefully I will be dealing with in 2018 I just finished watching an episode of The Hand Maids tale and there is this scene where a woman asks the Hand Maid it she’s happy working there and she says “yes” and that scene stressed me out so much and then she goes back to the woman later and then tells her that she’s not happy and all the fucked up shit that they do to her and I’m just crying with my hand over my mouth in disbelief with her balls jahahha

Anyways that’s something that messes me up in the head

I’m an aqua sun and Scorpio moon

Another thing that fucks with my head is mixed messages when growing up from parents I think I’m a special case because I had two Gemini parents growing up and so when I meet people I never accept what they portray themselves to be and always try and find hidden meaning in what they say. My mum and dad are very cunning and always were one step ahead of me when I was growing up and what’s what it’s like growing up in my family you always had to get the upper hand other wise you missed out and me being the only Aquarian in the house hold I never wanted to play along with their games and I would always have a tantrum when I didn’t get my way because my household was always so stressful and everyone loved teasing me because I was so reactionary it really set the tone for me growing up, it wasn’t until my mum gave birth to my little Aquarius brother that I stopped playing the victim and took an authority role but my mum would constantly put me in charge of him and then turn me back into his brother again and when she saw that he started to love me more because we were inseparable (I taught him to speak and swim from the time he was 2 ) she was jealous of our relationship and that’s when she cheated and used her money to separate us through bribes and blackmail. It really was like a game to her where she had to have the upper hand. When she poisoned my brother against me that’s when I rebelled and turned to drugs and found my own friends and separated away from him.....

When I grew up adults taught us so much bullshit about values and how the world works but it’s not like that at all, what the fuck are they thinking and what are they even teaching?!? Good guys finish last always! Shit happens! No one gives a fuck about kids, the environment isn’t sacred and isn’t preserved for our children and children’s children etc. as an Aquarian it was really hard for me in my fixed ways to come to terms with that.

Another thing that fucks with my mind is being told not to say I hate something and that it’s a strong word, “I said it for a ducking reason bitch”! It’s a word and a good way to express yourself don’t you dare censor someone when they’re expressing themselves.

I hate that we are not supposed to say hate when not saying it has even more stronger implications, we now have “haters” a word millennials associate with anyone disagreeing with their point of views on social media. Also they don’t know how to handle someone saying “I hate you to them” because we’ve treated it as a bad word for so long now they aren’t even equipped to take on the burden when someone says it to them in person or online.

So yeh does my head in when people censor me