"Spiritual" versus "Human self" self-identity

So I woke up last night and was up thinking about this. (Cheers to Libra to Scorpio season moving planets out of my 12th house and into the 1st house)

I believe that we are all spiritual beings (soul self) having a human experience (human self). While the higher level of consciousness I get, the more I am able to shed past limiting beliefs/prejudices and see people as their essence rather than superficial/egoic labels or appearances (e.g. skin colour, age, gender, culture etc.), it's inevitable that we are all inherently shaped into who we are, BECAUSE of the external factors, circumstance, and social location we were born into. Our human self did not choose it but we have to live it.

Now I realize I have always had a huge issue with this. My self-awareness and consciousness has always been higher than the normal person since I was young and I remember feeling as young as the age of 7 that the biological family I was born into isn't my real one. Ever since discovering astrology and spirituality, it's only added to that level of breadth of validation.

However, I felt the discomfort of seeing that I've gone the opposite reaction way in internalizing racism towards people of my own ethnic background, I think due to childhood experiences of feeling alienated/hated for who I was when I was surrounded by peers of such - I guess my young brain believed it to mean people of my ethnic background dislike me, that I don't belong with them etc., and it doesn't help that I felt a large cultural separation from my own parents.

I wonder if this is normal to feel - I'll try to put it into words as best I can, but I think I have difficulty accepting my "human self" that I was born with in this life, because I see myself as being more than that, however I feel it depressing of the thought that it is what I have to deal with and what may limit me in various areas of life. For romantic relationships for example, I've been involved with a person from every race pretty much and I realize everybody has their "cultural" baggage, and it's about how aware one is and how willing to be progressive they are. I had to be honest with myself in the way that I feel afraid to be with someone of my background or anything similar thereof, but I'm worried that I'll make things harder for myself by disowning my roots.

Also the relationship between my parents and I is pretty much non-existent and feels akin to relating to people who came from a whole other different country and with a different set of beliefs.

I asked myself why I feel fake because I no longer enjoy speaking about my ethnic culture to people anymore and try to be as "western" or just unconventionally eccentric as possible - and I think it's because I dissociated from my roots due to relating the pain, marginalization, abuse and suffering to it. Then I realized there would be pain and suffering for different reasons no matter what circumstances you were born into.

With all this being said, I'm basically feeling a lot of identity confusion about "who" or "what" I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to move towards for my future, whether I'm an imposter if I choose one direction or try to "erase" my past - I don't wish others to solely see me as that because I'm afraid it will make me feel more like a weird outsider. I tend to always rebel by doing the opposite of what is expected of me or what I am told.

Self-identity and confusion/crises has been a main theme throughout my entire life. I'm wondering if anyone else feels the same way or has a perspective or explanation/solution to offer on what I am feeling. With astrology it seems like our charts dictate our trajectory, lessons and tendencies to a certain degree inevitably?

Some of my placements that I think may be important to this:

-Scorpio moon in the 1st house, with Sag pluto rising

(emotions change easily and affect my sense of self, while Sag pluto rising makes need to expand and majorly transform self-identity)

-Capricorn Sun conjunct Neptune at 0 degrees

(Cap sun needs tradition but the neptune influence makes my identity/ego too elusive and impressionable)

-Mercury and Mars conjunct Neptune

-Pisces Venus

(I "love" everybody but I was also not exempt from unconscious biases getting in the way)

-Aquarius Mercury and Mars with Uranus conjunct them

(wanting to be a revolutionary, unconventional, breaking family patterns/molds, individualistic)

-Chiron and NN in Libra 12th house

(need to relate to the world but over-identifying with collective?)

-Chiron squared Sun

(ego wounds/identity/self-worth issues come with this apparently)

maybe moon in the first house has a lot to do with it too?

personally, i've had very little thoughts about where i came from and the possible prejudices or belief systems that came with it (if i ever thought of them at all). in fact, i've always found the concept of hating someone for being born the way they are really weird, wrong and unneccessary. i know a lot of people who thinks: "that's awful. you're basically stripped of culture, uncaring of your heritage."



but what is culture next to my own agenda? or heritage compared to my self-interest?

sure those things might've contributed to my being but i strongly believe they shouldn't limit my choices especially in this day and age.

i've had almost non-existent parental supervision in my formative years. and the closest that came to it arrived later in the form of a tyrannical maternal figure. though i feel that material privilege had something to do with 'shielding/protecting' me from possible attacks in that aspect of my personhood. my spiritual struggles lie in authority, power, submission and abuse.

i could let myself be burdened by anything, but never by the agents that created me. struggling with them just seems so unnecessary to me. hope you find the same peace in this aspect someday.

i'm a first houser, 8th house moon, 11th house venus and saturn in aquarius.

You don’t have to carry your past anymore

Your are not tied to your roots. If you can’t relate you can’t relate and that’s self acceptance

This was really powerful. I myself have been on a spiritual journey since 2015. I let go of being religious yet I do know Im connected to something much more powerful. Where Im at in my journey is so hard to explain. Im at the transformation stage and transition stage. My consciousness has raised considerably and my intuition is so sharp it scares me. But the phase Im at is meant to shift me to my higher self. Im not him yet but Im so close that I feel the vibes from my higher self. Im so damn close tho.



But alot of things have a hold on me. I feel like after this transition from pain and from forgiving my old self....only then can I achieve peace and move on. Man if you knew how much this post hit home at a time like this for me.....but thats what intuition does right?



Love this post.