In The Words He Spoke. . .

Hey Ya'll,
You all saw the post "Insensitive Sexual Gestures". Also, someone made the statement of having a "heart to heart" with my friend Jesse, but instead I wrote a letter. Now, I never mentioned to you guys that before I got upset about Jesse's gestures, my mom said to me the day prior, "You go on ahead and think that these people are your friends, but when they find out about your orientation, they are going to use it against you." That echoed in my head for the rest of that week, then I avoided him al day last Saturday. In the letter, I mentioned how I was going thru hard times and that the gestures messes with my head and I mentioned what my mom said to me.

Yesterday at work, Jesse told me that he wanted to talk to me later on. So, later that night, he was out in the parking lot waiting for me, but he was talking to another co-worker. Kindly, he told the guy, "Alright, I'll see you later." Then Jesse came over to me, to tell me what he had to say. He said," Anthony, I just want to let you know that I would never do or say anything to hurt you within regards to your orientation, however, I am against the life style and homosexuality..." Then our co-worker, who I thought was leaving came back over to interupt us just to ask me what time I was getting off. I just said, "2 o'clock in the morning." Then I walked off and went inside to check in my delivery. Jesse's words were getting thru to me but I wasn't sure if I liked where it was going. As he was talking to me,I noticed that his pupils were dilating as they were fixated on me.(It caught my attention.)Jesse talked to the guy outside,but he came in after me, but looked back to watch the guy leave for sure. He walked up to me then said, "Anthony, I wasn't sure if I hurt you from coming off a bit judgemental. Did I hurt you? Because that's the last thing I want to do. I want to assure you that I really do consider you as a friend and I don't know how much closer I can get to you to show you in the way that you may need. I want you to know that I support you and that I'm always here for you. That letter? It didn't change anything with us." I totally believed him because for once, he was actually serious. I mean, his pupils were dialating and it gave me the impression that he really cares about me and our friendship. After that, we talked some more and I told him the heartbreak that my parents gives to me and how insecure it makes me with other relationships. (Wow.)

DC,
My doubts are gone. He is a great guy and a great friend. Despite my insecurities, he still stuck with me and pulled thru to gel our friendship even stronger.The things he said to me? His words were like "molten gold" and as I was open and vulnerable to hearing him out, it got infused into me. We laugh more and even have moments where I would look up to find that I'm being watched by him from where ever he's at, then he'll smile and I'll smile, then nod.Jesse has been like an anchor to the tubulant times I've been having with my mother. (THAT MATERIALISTIC, SELF-RIGHTEOUS,SHALLOW, SELFISH, BLACK FACED TROLL!!!!)I know that's pretty cruel words to say about ones own mother, but man, she's only good for destroying connections rather than creating them. I really don't know what her problem is, but I really don't care. I'm tired of getting hurt, so I'm working on getting my degree at college so that I can finally gain SWEET INDEPENDENCE!

We all want the best for you dreamy........your lives, your loves, your mama even:-) - once agan I just say to you.....she's not her true self....if she's actomg that way....she's beeen hurt in some kind of way to act like she does to you.....whether you choose to try and find why is up to you...but maybe for now, it's all about you! and I dont mean that in any unkind way....:-)

Wishing you the best...dreamy....


a x

Alana,
I'm not quite so sure I want to know why my mother treats me the way she does. This has been going on ever since I was a kid and I use to cry thinking that she may have never wanted me. Now, I'm an adult and I am quite resentful of her now. I cannot express affection to her at all naturally becaue she destroyed that bridge between her and myself. Just the fact that she feels she's above apologizing makes things even worst. All I know is that the day for me to move out and move up is coming, and she's going to need me and I'm going to hesitate to answer her call. She thinks I'm a fool at the way she can just hurt me and foolishly I come back. Well, coming back won't be an option...now would it?

...like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of our lives.

So many children have and do feel the way that you are feeling. All you ever wanted and desired was to be loved, to know that you are loved and to be accepted for the wonderful person that you are.

Your mother for some reason is unable to provide this gift for you however, you can work on giving it to yourself and not expecting it from an outside source. Believe it or not, your mom was doing her best in raising you - if she would have known a different way to parent, she most certaintly would have been that way.

You can choose to resent her (not at all healthy for you) or you can choose to see her as a wonderful teacher and one of the greatest gifts because, she has taught you how not to be...and the ONLY way that you can KNOW this is by your experience with her.

You are sensitive, caring, thoughtful, loving etc because you know what it feels like to be treated differently.

Find it in your heart at some point in your life to be grateful for her and her teachings and to forgive her for what she did not know.

Shit, I'm sorry .. I'll get rid of that.

Hey, I like this new option .. when shit falls out of my mouth, I can just wipe it clean away, yay !!!

it's called a "shit eraser" hehe.....

Hi P-Angel,
Learning to love thyself is a lesson that I haven't fully accomplished just yet. I do love myself way more than I did a few years ago, so there's a difference that I've seen. Relying on outside sources to love you may have it's limits. Like Jesse, for instance, I mean, I know I have other friend's, but to me, he really stands out with his adoration. I honestly don't know the reason why he does, but he does. Alot of times, I wish I felt just as great as he thinks I am.That night when he spoke to me, he looked so vulnerably human in the things he said to me. I automatically assumed rejection, you know? I guess that revealed how I feel about myself overall too.I guess I should do a challenge to help build self-love. Maybe, being in school will help me to be pre-occupied or something.If anything, I still have a long way to go.

It's obvious from the way you talk about Jesse that he has certainly touched your heart and makes you feel glad with life .. a person couldn't ask for more of a blessing than to be made to feel this way.

You do have a long way to go, we all do .. everyday is a new and wonderful experience to embrace. If holding onto Jesse with loving regard helps you to become the man you are inside, then that's what you need to do.

DE, it sounds to me as though you are falling in love with him and that is so beautiful. 🙂

Falling in love? I don't know about that because it feels "mild and simple". He has touched my heart, and I think that's exactly what he was going for. Jesse said that he is against homosexuality. The last thing I want to do is to fall for a friend who is supporting me despite what he's against.

Sometimes, I feel like running far far away.

DC,
I KNOW, RIGHT!?! Man, I just don't want to affect my friendship with him at all, but I had no control over the things he said to me or how he makes me feel. I really want to take a break from him, and just when I thought I did by requesting the days off that he worked, he surpisingly requested to work on one of the main days I'm working. P-Angel pointed out in the way I talk about him, that I sound like I'm falling in love. I wasn't sure about that because it feels "mild and simple". When he was standing in front of me talking to me, it was like he was completely open. I mean, he appeared vulnerable and human, just like the time be boldly showed up at my former job to bring me a Christmas card. I was just surprised at how fearless he was in doing that. It was like he didn't care what anyone else may have thought, and that he only saw me as he was giving me the card. He has touched me deeply numerous times and that was one of the times I was touched. I was trembling hard as I was behind the counter at the BP on Christmas Day. It's just scary to me when someone can get to you so deeply. I have no control over that ability that Jesse has. He said that he would never do or say anything to hurt me, but why am I so damn afraid?

I don't know that I believe it to be true (Jesse being against homosexuality) because he wouldn't have said the below words to you, Anthony (?). I'm thinking that he just needs time to adjust, is all. When he said that he was against it, it came when he thought somebody was listening, but, he didn't mean it. It's just going to take a little more time for him to get comfortable with it, is all. I just don't believe he meant it. His words to you (below) suggest otherwise.

This is one thing that really bothers me about our society, a huge thorn in my side. People are just people and it doesn't matter about a person's sexual orientation, it holds no bearing on the person inside .. yet, here, most people are so afraid of it. Sweep it under the carpet because what would the neighbors think and that's just screwed up and it's not fair. With Jesse, especially where you are in the south, boys are red, for the most part and it's just something that is going to take a little more time to come to grips. I know that he's ok with it when you two are alone, but, soon he's going to have to face it as a reality and not be afraid.


"Anthony, I wasn't sure if I hurt you from coming off a bit judgemental. Did I hurt you? Because that's the last thing I want to do. I want to assure you that I really do consider you as a friend and I don't know how much closer I can get to you to show you in the way that you may need. I want you to know that I support you and that I'm always here for you. That letter? It didn't change anything with us."

"I want you to know that I support you and that I'm always here for you."

He said that and that's not words that come from someone who is against you in any way.

P-Angel,
Yeah, those aren't words that are against me. I really do believe he's adjusting to it, because the next day after we had that talk, he told me that he didn't go to sleep until 4 a.m. He said that he couldn't sleep. I'm going to be pre-occupied with school beginning May 30th, so with me not being around as much will give him time to truly adjust.

DC,
I'm going to just breathe and relax. I promise I won't have any "meta-emotions". (Meta-emotions? Hmm, I got to use that sometime.

P-Angel,
You know, someone was listening to us when we were talking. Jesse, told the guy, "See ya later" but he came back as soon as we began talking, and saying that he was against homosexuality was the last thing he said before the guy walked up.
-Dreamy Eyez-

Meta-emotions .. I've never heard that before.

See, DE .. he's just a little afraid, that's all. I'll bet when you start school and the two of you spend less time together, it will give him time to reflect on how he really feels. He's a Sag, fear is something he'll overcome easily once he comes to terms with his feelings.

P-Angel,
I really do believe that when you're not around as much, you're wanted more. It's one of those strange paradoxes in human behavior that baffles me sometimes. At Papa Johns, I was in the back dicing some onions, then Jesse showed up from a delivery run. He came to the back to join me, and assisted me with the onions. Honestly, it's very hard for us to talk at work, because we're both fairly popular at the workplace in different ways. He's the resident nice-guy, while I'm the resident antagonist. My antagonism isn't really that abrasive though, but it's fun talking alot of smack to my co-workers. When people see Jesse and myself interacting, they just come running over. Sometimes, that gets pretty annoying to me. As I was dicing the onions, Jesse was speaking to me, but then another co-worker came over to join in and started talkig to me. Jesse just patiently waited on the side, then someone else walked up and started talking to Jesse. Then, I had to leave to deliver a pizza. Ironically,my other Sagittarian friend, Vanisa forwarded at text message to me that said, "Friends are like ass cheeks. Alot of shit may get in between them, but they always stick together." I forwarded it to Jesse. When he got it, he basically let his actions do the speaking. I was clocking in after returning from my delivery, then as soon as I turned around, Jesse was there, then he placed his arm up against my arm like as if he was "sticking to me". At the moment, I didn't get it, but then he said to me smiling, "Anthony, I got the text." Then it dawned on me that he was acting it out.

"Friends are like ass cheeks. Alot of shit may get in between them, but they always stick together."

Ahh, I like that .. good one and sooooo true. You're truly blessed, DE, you have many people who care about you.

Ironically, he has appeared in my dreams. Most recently, it was a shower dream. We both were in it nude, but it wasn't at all sexual. We were just washing ourselves in front of the other and washing our hair. Then later, we weredressed and in this shelter, but from out the windows, we saw people walking up to our shelter from the horizion towards us. We got under a blanket in a corner of the shelter basically protecting eachother by holding one another, but when the people from the outside were getting too close to the windows, Jesse and I jumped out of the corner and began fighting the people off to back them away. I was flying in the air like a banshee in flames scaring off the people, but one of the men grabbed me by my neck, choking me. Jesse was fighting off a number of people himself. As for the big man that was choking me? I let out a piercing shriek like a banshee normally does and he set me free. I tried looking up the elements of this dream, but I found nothing.

www.dreammoods.com

Have you tried this site? Maybe it will help decipher the dream. With the showering, though, I think it has more to do with the color of the water. And, there's all different meanings for nakedness.

I dream about taking baths with my secret admirer, too 😉