Libra Needs help with Pisces Male

Basics-

I'm 39, he is 44. He is divorced, wife cheated on him.

When we first met several months ago it was beautiful, instant attraction. We met doing things he likes, I went to see him play soccer- then we had drinks after and went our separate ways.

On the last date months ago, we went to a place where there was no activity that is stimulating.. He became bored and agitated, which in turn made me feel insecure. As a libra I aim to please and be pleasing.. I internalized his complaints of being "bored" with me being "boring"

We also, same night, got into it over me smoking. I had asked him not to give me permission to smoke anywhere he doesn't want me to smoke. He insisted it was totally fine for me to smoke in his car.

So I did. As we were leaving the date, where he became agitated and bored- I lit another cig in his car.. He freaked out.. "Oh God, You're gonna smoke another one"-

I, in turn, also freaked out- Having laid out my clear desire to respect boundaries that SAME night- I was very pissed that he said it was ok, then was complaining about it-

That night I had an awful work day, I was in a bad mood- and really internalized everything he said. I felt for the last few months that had I had been in a better mood the issue would not have occurred..

I sent some awful text messages, some nice ones (trying to recover) and some sexual ones.. all with no response.

A complete shut down on his part.

Over the past few months, I would send him a text every few weeks just letting him know I was thinking of him.. Keeping it light.

Finally, He opened back up.

Over the past four months I've been thinking of him.. hoping I would have another chance.

Another aspect of him- He lives in the country.. Has always lived in the same town on the same piece of property and hasn't ventured out much. He isn't necessarily socialized. He is very simple.

I work in the music industry and have a bit more experience with social ques and how to deal with people and their quirks- (If I know it exists)

Really big musicians are typically crazy, unrealistic, anal, etc. My job is learning their triggers and goals- and mimicking their behavior online to their fans.. and working with them to think in a way that best helps them obtain their goal. It takes a little time and they have to be open with me for me to get to the root of them- But as long as they are open I can figure it out.

Back to my Pisces.

So after a few months he sw

So after a few months he swam back. I immediately went to his home, for the first time.

His home is very small and efficient. I noticed right away everything was tidy (on the surface)
We sat and laughed about our fight.. and flirted..
He is a fault finder.. He has sort of a nit picking personality... (at least that is how I took it)
When he does it, I correct him.. and ask that he wait for me to make the mistake before he warns me or "accuses" me of potentially making a mistake.

All of it seemingly healthy banter back and forth. (I love that about him, the wit and the ability to quickly come back with something extremely intelligent) He keeps me on my toes. Most people don't treat me that way.. they kiss my ass and bore the shit out of me, because of my job.

It comes across as fake to me and I cannot stand it.

Now, we are in his home and things are going well..
He reaches for his sheets to make his bed. As a woman, I want to help.. I go into his bedroom and as soon as I touched the sheet- he drew a very clear boundary..

"You cannot help me do this", "I have to do it a very specific way", I said teach me how to do it then", Hew was very clear that I could never do it, he has to do it a certain way" - I was being playful touching the sheet.. Being sexy on the bed.. getting in his way a little.. I could see he was turned on by it, but also becoming annoyed (clutching his sheet). I left the room so he could tend to his chore.

He has made it very clear to me that he would rather be alone and comfortable than to have conflict.
I am the same.. But I also believe in healthy conflict resolution. (which he responds to when he is calm and it isn't confrontational)

So bedtime, We crawl into bed, watching a movie, and I ask him to touch me..
We have not ever had sex in a bed, we did once in his car, I did not orgasm that time.

This night he was manually stimulating me, and I am extremely turned on by him.
I begin to have orgasms, which are very wet. I gush when I come. Only in the beginning when I'm very turned on by someone, and later when they make the special effort to make my orgasms so strong. In my experience men are turned on by it..

He continued to make me cum, and I continued to gush.. To me it was fucking amazing. 🙂
as soon as my body went back the way it does when I am in the final throws of orgasm, he saw the wetness on his bed and completely lost his shit.

He as very upset, yelling about his bed and his mat

He was very upset, yelling about his bed and his mattress..
This to me was mortifying.. I was naked, vulnerable, in an intimate state and now I am being yelled at..

At one point he ran to the shower and started scrubbing himself- he was really shaming me.
Within a few minutes he composed himself. Was standing in a corner dismayed, Admitting to being shocked, having never seen that before, not expecting it, why didn't I warn him etc (mad) ..

It was an argument, I was so humiliated..
We crawled back into bed, backs to each other..

Eventually I turned over and held him. We began to caress each other.. Sex started again. Actual sex. I was on top of him..
The more I displayed signs of pleasure the less turned on he became..
He grabbed his face in humiliation as he was losing his erection "I'm just so afraid it's going to happen again"

I assured him at that moment I was in no way turned on and it wasn't going to happen.
I gently climbed off of him, still caressing him and kissing his chest, Not making a big deal about it..
He rolled over and told me "it was going to take time"..

I came home and immediately read about OCD.. I do understand that his reaction was not about shaming me, it was about a change in his ritual and the unknown that caused a severe panic attack.

In the moment it felt like he was treating me like I am gross..
I do know that was not his intent.. Now that I have read up on the thinking patterns of a person with OCD.

He has traits of OCD and OCPD

Here's what I have learned, With him, No surprises that may be considered abnormal.. I believe he can accept my quirks as long as he is aware they exist.

It the surprise that causes him to go into a panic attack, and the disruption of order in his space-

At this time, I have sent him a text message letting him know I am aware of his thought patterns, and it's not fair that he dismiss me about breaking patterns I wasn't aware of. That will be fine if I do it, after I know better.

I told him to apologize to me for making me "feel" like i'm the most disgusting woman he has ever been with.
He responded with- "That wasn't my intent"
I said, "I know"
He said, "then why do you need an apology?"
I responded, "I'm not asking you to apologize for what you did, I am asking you to apologize for the way you made me feel"


I know he needs time to process.. and calm down.

I also know that he responds better to logical and rational communication, once he i

I also know that he responds better to logical and rational communication, once he is calm.
He has many patterns he has to do before he can come to that place.

another complaint he has with me is he has never experienced this explosiveness of emotion so soon in knowing someone.
Now, I believe he has experienced it in all his relationships.. He just cares about me more and it causes more fear and more anxiety- which causes intense episodes of OCD.. more tripping of his anxieties and it is happening at a much faster pace than his norm, because he have such a deep soul connection.

My thing is, Now that I know these are his issues, I can be more conscious of them, and supportive of him while he adjusts to my presence in his universe.
he needs for his existence to be peaceful and structured.

I'm a libra, so I also need balance and harmony..

He doesn't know that, yet.. but I do. It is my natural state to want to please my partner.
I have a very submissive nature.. I respond well to direction and being a subordinate. It turns me on to feel like I am doing things right for my man..

I am also very independent, I need my own space and time away from people..
As does he.

I feel like the right thing to do here is give him a few days to relax back in to his pattern,

I believe I have to draw boundaries with him..
Make it very clear that I am now aware of the rules of his palace.. And that I will do my very best to respect them.I will not be faulted for breaking rules I didn't know about.

But also let him know.. My car is my fucking car..
My home is my home.. His rules do not apply to my personal space and I will not conform to his standards in my own space.

I am no longer going to internalize his bullshit, because I know it is not directed at me (NOW)
which is going to cause less friction.

I do believe he loves me and feels the same soul connection.. But his anxiety is so strong he will discard me to avoid the panic attacks and live in peace.

Is it possible to go back for a third try and explain these things to him?
Will he be able to respect my personal space and appreciate that I am making efforts to respect his..
I do know I will hit a landmine or two (or many) but it will be easier for me to deal with it and diffuse, knowing it isn't directed at me..

Obviously, our sex is going to be an issue.. I can have sex for awhile and not climax, while he adjusts to me, and later take care of myself..

I believe

I believe maybe phone sex will be our friend, so we can get back to that place of intimacy and trust..
(he really made me feel like a filthy pig)

Naturally, those orgasms aren't going to happen as often unless he really works at it, being that he traumatized me while I was in a vulnerable state..

Am I wrong to believe that I can work with this and not trip the anxiety, now that I am aware of it? I guess I know it's gonna happen, but I also know my response to it will be different.

That doesn't mean I am going to allow him to run all over me, I'm just not going to add fuel to it. Wait for him to be calm and address it.

His big fear about me is that "we clash"

I didn't have all the information before. I have a lot more to work with now.. Me arguing back and stating my case causes his to fall deeper into a panic attack..
Now that I know that, I will empathize with his psycho ass and not escalate it. It's not a real attack on me, it's a panic attack.. In no way do I want to push a man I love deeper into a panic attack.

As a Libra, it's my nature to process information and restore balance.

I know he is most likely going to continue to run off every woman he meets- that just can't deal with it..
But I think I have what it takes..

Am I delusional?

Pisces want to help me out here?
I do believe he is my soul mate.

I believe I can get somewhat close to him, but never completely invade his space..
Which works for me..
I don't like to be bothered constantly, Get bored easily, and need my own space, too.

I ave lost myself in relationships before and I am not about it.. I love my work and my stuff.. I will never give it up to any man again..

I had made a joke to him, when we were still getting along that night, after noticing how orderly everything is- I laughed and said, "Yeah, You're gonna need to build me a studio about an acre over, And you can call me when we feel like being together"

I sorta feel now that may actually be how it has to be.. (which is kinda my idea of utopia) being and love and having my own space..
Also, sounds to me like we would be able to keep it exciting and fun for a long time"

Like eternal dating..

Most men cannot deal with the strange ours I keep, Freak out and become inscure that I travel with famous men, or expect me to go to bed when they do..

So, living next door to my husband sounds wonderful. lol

Thoughts?

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Posted by AfternoonDelights22
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Yeah.

I think I would normally agree to that, But this was an actual crazy episode of OCD, panic and he did try to recover from it quickly.

When he is not feeling out of place in his OCD he his romantic, loving and hilarious..

I don't know what his moon is yet, but yes.. he is fucking insane, and genius.

I bring up my car.. Because as I was leaving I picked up my trash and threw it in the back of my car..
He was walking up to hug me goodbye, saw me do that and freaked out a little..

He has serious OCD.

Placate, I hadn't considered that. In my mind it's not necessarily pacifying and allowing his anger, It's calming a panic attack.

I am completely able to lay down my feelings and boundaries in a non-aggressive manner. After that passes.

Testing the shit out of me? Indeed. is it actually possible to pass these tests?

Ask him to put some towels on the bed, now that he knows what to expect. Or a latex shit...🙂.

Oops....a latex sheet 🙂.

You just like the chase but pisces males need to be the one to chase and need their women to be very patient and you're not. When you're together, you push him. He told you he wanted to make the sheets himself and you didn't listen. He's right, you do clash and pisces men hate conflict. "My car is my fucking car" isn't gonna cut it with a pisces either. Sorry but you're not compatible and this isn't going to work out. If you were really as independent as you claim, you wouldn't have kept texting him and chasing him after he swam away the first time. And you really don't need to get so graphic on your sex life. Kind of crass. Sorry but you're not the type for a pisces man. They need someone more delicate and sensitive. I'd say cut bait & swim but you'll keep at it until he stops responding at all.

Posted by Musicistheanswer
He is divorced, wife cheated on him.

This statement covers the gist of what is wrong with this picture.

You are highly defensive of him; albeit unjustly. Within a short period of time you have personally experienced the deficit in his emotional intelligence. One could easily deduce that his EQ was likely one of the many factors in the demise of his marriage. "She cheated" is a lame excuse and clear indication that you have adopted (through empathy no doubt)his perspective on that experience. Be careful...we can easily fall into those traps. Libras love a story; especially the one that makes them the ONLY one who made a difference.

Also, he WAS married. He will find someone again and maybe he will learn as he loses them, maybe he wont. There are lots of enabling, needy women out there who put up with all kinds of crud to keep a man. Do you want to be that woman?

I know you posted this in the fish tank not on the judicial board but I could not resist. I am also turning 40 this year and am in a 2 year relationship with a quirky fish. I love reading similarities and anomalies of the fish on this board to aid my understanding of him and it has been helpful. However, I have learned more about myself over the past two years than about him. I challenge you to do the same. You should definitely start with your charts. I am willing to bet that you have Venus in Scorpio. If you want to chat further please feel free to send me a private message.

Posted by Musicistheanswer
He was very upset, yelling about his bed and his mattress...
This to me was mortifying.. I was naked, vulnerable, in an intimate state and now I am being yelled at..

It was an argument, I was so humiliated..

In the moment it felt like he was treating me like I am gross..

I told him to apologize to me for making me "feel" like i'm the most disgusting woman he has ever been with.

He said, "then why do you need an apology?"
I responded, "I'm not asking you to apologize for what you did, I am asking you to apologize for the way you made me feel"

I don't know that I agree that the apology owed is appropriate for "how he made you feel", rather his exaggerated response to the situation would be more reasonable. If you have to request an apology...do you really want it and would it be sincere?

Remember when he went bat shit he referenced his bed and sheets,not you. It's not always about us.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent or agreement. I really think you you self-examine on this. His lack of experience and emotional ineptness is not your deficit unless you make it yours.

I think I feel the way I do about the apology because I am aware it was an OCD episode,- a massive panic attack..
I would like to believe that he knows it's appropriate after the episode passes and he processes it all that he can also realize that it was an awful thing to do while someone is in their most vulnerable state, intended or not.

OCPD has very strong, fault finding, right/wrong, righteous indignantion-
"steeped in the potential for the OCPD sufferer's truth to override consideration and respect."
depending how far they are on the spectrum.

Normally, I wouldn't accept an "I'm sorry you feel that way" type apology.

I don't think you can ask someone to apologize for having a mental illness.

I can damn sure try and figure out how bad it is and whether or not I want to get involved.
If he is on the full blown scale of OCPD it will be nothing but a life of being punished for not being perfect or measuring up.. no matter what. They lack empathy, have extreme bouts of anger...

I'm not interested in a life like that, no matter how dreamy his eyes are or how sweet he can seem.

I;m not telling him I know OCPD has a scale and that I need to know if he lacks empathy, or the ability to care about another person's feelings if he believes he is right..

I'm simply testing him.

If I tell him, he'll fake it.

Also, the "she cheated" I mentioned it first, to cover the first half of the story- at the time that's all I had about his history- I dismissed some of our argument that night because I equated some of what he was asking me to that..

But, All of it is OCD/OCPD

I completely believe she and everyone else bailed because of his mental issues. She hung in there for 9 years.. It's a progressive disorder, predominant in males, and starts to peak around 40.

Maybe I am being defensive of him.. I as not at the time. I was very upset. We were both yelling...
But I did realize that it as not a normal argument.. He looked like he was having a break down.

essentially, he was.

Thankfully, I have built a wonderful life for myself. I've been single for a long time.. Have a great kid and love what I do.

I don't think I can help him.. I believe if it's the lower end of the spectrum of these disorders I can deal with him..

I'm a pisces female and while I can't relate to his OCD I do kind of understand where he's coming from in his reactions.

The first part about the boring day and then the smoking setting him off I definitely get. Sometimes it's not the person I'm with it's just the entire situation (whether it be boring or stressful whatever) that gets me and will put me in a mood. If I'm in one of those moods something I told someone was fine before (sometimes I'll say it's fine in that moment to make the other person happy though it's not really something I'm 100% ok with) will really bother me just because I was actually never 100% ok with it from the beginning. I think that's what happened with the smoking situation and why he extra blew up about it.

Overall though my best advice is a.) let him do some of the chasing- I know personally I get bored fast if people are too easy or too clingy.

b.) you have to be careful of how you approach his "problems" because I would want to distance myself from someone who approached me listing off how they understand all my problems, because while they are clear red flags he probably doesn't think they are that big of issues or want to admit to them (we are stubborn).

c.) the next few times you see him just need to be light, carefree, stress free... don't talk about his issues. You can address his issues later but right now I feel like you are coming at him a little too heavy and need to back off and keep it fun again. Just from reading this I feel like I want to back off and I don't even know you lol

I'm not saying never address what you want to but your last few times together seem to have had some kind of freak out during them- and for me I start to back off if that's how every outing is going to be.

I don't know him obviously and I'm not saying he's 100% in the right either but that's just my initial reaction as a fellow pisces after reading this.

lord, he's a man not an OCD project. wtf?

don't try to fix, save or diagnos people like you have the answers to their life. jesus, how annoying

lol, ya his soul mate is someone who squirts on his sheets without warning and smokes in his car. what a lucky guy!

Posted by yellowsweater
he clearly sees sex as something dirty rather than something intimate or even enjoyable.

Now a diagnosis of a sexual disorder?

If someone I barely know leaks on my sheets without a little forewarning or prep... I'm going to have something to say about it, too.

It's not like she didn't know it would happen. Grab a towel for christ's sake.

I think this Libra is a bit dirty. period. She's just trying to justify someone's adverse reaction to her filth. I mean who throws stinking garbage into their backseat? Why not the trunk?

gross man, just gross

I don't understand the horror of the cumming on the sheets.

Do people have sex in plastic bubbles? 😐

Posted by AfternoonDelights22
I don't understand the horror of the cumming on the sheets.

Do people have sex in plastic bubbles? 😐

I understand it, if it isn't just his bed.... :\

Posted by Musicistheanswer

We have not ever had sex in a bed, we did once in his car, I did not orgasm that time.

This night he was manually stimulating me, and I am extremely turned on by him.
I begin to have orgasms, which are very wet. I gush when I come. Only in the beginning when I'm very turned on by someone, and later when they make the special effort to make my orgasms so strong. In my experience men are turned on by it..

He continued to make me cum, and I continued to gush.. To me it was fucking amazing. 🙂
as soon as my body went back the way it does when I am in the final throws of orgasm, he saw the wetness on his bed and completely lost his shit.

She knows she's a gusher... she just said it. Some people might desire a heads up first. If he already showed signs of being a tad anal about his sheets, his reaction to a puddle in his bed doesn't really sound out of character.

I understand embarrassing her like that wasn't great, but a "i don't like those kinds of surprises" reaction is hardly a disorder.

Posted by yellowsweater

Posted by shellshocker

Posted by yellowsweater
he clearly sees sex as something dirty rather than something intimate or even enjoyable.

Now a diagnosis of a sexual disorder?

If someone I barely know leaks on my sheets without a little forewarning or prep... I'm going to have something to say about it, too.

It's not like she didn't know it would happen. Grab a towel for christ's sake.

I think this Libra is a bit dirty. period. She's just trying to justify someone's adverse reaction to her filth. I mean who throws stinking garbage into their backseat? Why not the trunk?

gross man, just gross

not clinically diagnosing him with anything but really... can anyone really predict something like that would happen? much less predict how a person would react to that? however one would think or assume that since he PARTICIPATED in the sexual act, i.e. he had his man part IN her lady bits that he wouldn't necessarily overreact the way he did. if he is that anal about his goddamn sheets then he should have guided her somewhere else, like the floor or bathroom... since i mean.. sex is inherently an exchange of bodily fluids... god forbid something just might leak out...

click to expand

i actually read what the OP without jumping to my own conclusions... did you?

Posted by IrresistableScorp
As for the over emphasis on OCD this OP has been projecting. My guess is that her scales are probably going a bit nuts right now trying to balance her admiration and feelings for this guy with the fact that he does this off the wall activity that deeply hurts her.

She's frantically trying to balance these two aspects. If you have libra anywhere in your chart you are going to get this. How do I bring this all in balance to where we both are happy? The OCD fixation may be helping her do this. It's something her scales can deal with in a rational way.

People with different tolerance levels for messiness could still live together, with a bit of compromise, of course. http://www.twoofus.org/educational-content/articles/neat-freaks-vs-clutter-bugs-what-does-clean-mean/index.aspx<BR>
Let aside the so-called OCD, what really bugs me is that he went MIA after a boring date! She had to do the chasing after that. WTF? Was he expecting her to entertain him?

Assuming they put a towel on the bed in the future, their togetherness may work if they agree to perform different relationship tasks. She becomes the entertainer. He, the cleaner. And the cook. Libras don't cook.

Posted by IrresistableScorp
Honestly. I was slightly traumatized reading about the sheet incident and have had to shake that image off several times over the past couple days. And it didn't even happen to me.

As for the soulmate thing. If this fish has an aqua moon which is quite common her libra sun could very well feel an instant connect. Sun trine moon is potent.

She would be better with an Aqua, anyway. Mine would dig his face into the wetness and claim to be his favourite thing in the world! He would also enjoy "hot mud" (one of those self-heating masks) or plenty of lemon juice hehe...

Forgot to mention that I peed on him in the shower, saying that I'm marking my territory.

And that he is actually a neat freak!

Posted by ellessque
However, he has to know his behaviour was out of line and his inability to empathise is a bit concerning.

he is lacking empathy based on his mannerisms 😢

I feel bad for her humiliation, too but think the lack of empathy comes from the fact he is not in the same emotional place that she is. He showed many signs of disinterest and she is trying hard not to see them.

He said he was bored on their date.
She initiates contact.
She had to ASK him to touch her.
He refuses to apologize because he doesn't care enough about her feelings to do so.

These are not signs of a Pisces even liking someone. A Pisces will do all things to NOT hurt your feelings. He is doing the opposite.

I still can't get over this thread. The cum freak out on his bed. Like what was he expecting if they were fooling around? He should have been lovin' that aroma of her scent on his bed.

So my advice, even though you are a Libra and won't like it, is

Go back to his place. Piss in his bed. Leave.

I squirt and I cant control it when excited. It started in my late 30ies and the men I have been with have all adored it... I never warned anyone and they were deliciously surprised because they liked having sex with me. If had been the OP in that situation, the reaction of this man would have been traumatizing for me as well. He sounds like a inveterate bachelor with virgo placements...