NEED URGENT HELP WITH SCORPIO MAN PROBLEM (Page 2)

cantaur i totally understand what you are saying...i think this young lady needs some advice from someone who has been in the same situation.....but i dont think shes ready to let go...because based on her post she is using a lot of excuses to try and stay in this relationship... she needs to know that its not going to stop...a baby is not going to change things either....I think everyone has been in a abuse relationship one way or another...either physically or mentally...its up to that individual to make a change....

but how can she learn anything by not leaving...that doesnt make sense— Okay let me get my head beat in some more then it will become clear—??

"I'm saying there is nothing you can do to stop the abuse"


You said that ^^^^^^^ CanTaur. And what I'm trying to tell you is that by you telling her that ... is telling her to be a victim because there is nothing she can do to stop it.

And she can STOP it .. she can stop by realizing that she has a choice in the terms of a relationship.

For instance ... the atrocity where he wanted to have dinner with her, and she just jumped at this opportunity .. with absolutely NO awareness that she had a choice in deciding whether she wanted to be with him or not, and just puts all power in his hands to determine whether he wants to be with her, at his discretion .. and her place is to just abide by it and hope like hell he wants her.

If she carries that ^^^^^^^^ forward .. if she just leaves this man and carries that mind-set forward, then she has NOT found a solution to her problem, rather, she has created the problem to continue in the next relationship.

And that's what abuse is, CanTaur .. it's NOT the other person hurting you ... it's YOU allowing it to happen to you. And if you put all responsibility into the abusers hands, and hold no responsibility for yourself ... then you create this abuse to happen to you.

See?

okay.... we keep hearing whats NOT the solution........what is the solution—??

"but how can she learn anything by not leaving...that doesnt make sense— Okay let me get my head beat in some more then it will become clear—??"


She said he broke her foot .. I didn't read about a head bashing. Did she say that, or is that an exaggeration?

A fueling ^^^^^^^^ —?


For instance .. she didn't have to drive to the wedding. She could have just thought .. you know what, I know he's there, or if he isn't there his friends will be, and if I show up there angry, and resentful, and bitter because he bailed on me and I called the police (which she didn't have to do, and by doing it only added more drama to the flame already) .... she should have thought ..

I'm above this, I'm not going to play this crap ... I make my own decisions in life, and not gone.

When he called and wanted to have dinner with her, she should have taken her own choices back, and decided she didn't want to spend time with a monster, and not went.

All through this description .. she has expressed how she participates in his drama. You know, if a person creates drama, that isn't your fault, is it? But, it's your fault if you participate in it, to feed it.

I'm not saying she shouldn't leave this man ... of course she should leave this man ... but, if she doesn't look at HERSELF, and take control back for HERSELF .. then leaving him resolves nothing because without awareness, she will become a victim again. Such as she said, she was in an abusive relationship previous.

So, now my questions to her come back full circle ..


What have you done to provoke him?

And the answer becomes clear now ... she provokes him by participating in his drama, feeds him with it, responds to it ... because that is her place in life, because the terms of how she is to be treated is dependent upon his wishes for her.

For example .. my husband has buttons, and if I push those buttons, KNOWING he's going to flip out, and I push them anyway

OMG.....P ANGEL!!!! PLEASE BEFORE YOU RESPOND PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT I'M SAYING!!!! IS IT BECAUSE YOUR THAT FREAKIN HARD HEADED OR THAT YOUR SOOO DESPERATE TO BE RIGHT YOU WILL PICK THROUGH WHAT I'M SAYING? I will repeat what I said again pay close attention....

"I fully realize you aren't trying to tell her how to STOP the abuse because you believe there isn't a way. You think there is nothing a person can do to stop it, which = perpetuating this from continuing to happen again and again with relationships."

ARE YOU READY PA?

"The only way to PREVENT FURTHER ABUSE is to RECOGNIZE WHY YOU would TOLERATE it to begin with & from that BUILD YOURSELF UP so that in the future you'd be able to RECOGNIZE A ABUSER & LEAVE the situation because you know that YOU DON'T DESERVE IT."

You got that? I hope so cuz I don't know how I could be anymore clear.....Again I DO NOT need YOU of all people to "school" me on abusive relationships, how they happen, how they are avoided etc, I have lived the reality, I have taken the steps to become a healthier person, I have given forgiveness etc.... YOU can not tell me anything I don't already know, the idea that you think you can is asinine. I wouldn't go to a service member whose served in the war & argue with him about what war is like, having never experienced one myself. You do realize how ridiculous that is don't you? This is what you are doing.

At this point PA your just BLAH BLAH BALH to me, because you have no clue what your talking about, you think your going to slap her into reality by giving her the harsh truth

"I'm prompting her, by provoking her, by putting her in opposition to STOP describing his abuse done to her, as if she has no choice .. and START saying WHY she is allowing this to happen to her." and did you see the responses she made..... she was still continuing to question what she did wrong, even after you attempted to "school" her.

PA my opinion has not changed, I've not been in a abusive relationship in many years now & I'm confident that I never will be again. You think your way is the right way but I KNOW what I had to do to heal myself & it worked & it wasn't anything like what you've suggested. At this point my opinion is that your talking out of your ass & I'm done trying to get you to understand when A, your not paying attention & B, You wouldn't get it anyway. Have a good day & Rising Good Luck 🙂

risingphoenix ... here's the thing ..

Everytime you respond, in like fashion, to his outbursts, his drama, his rage, his games = he wins.

The abuser means to have a hold on you emotionally .. that is their weapon. Much like a one would do to a child, for example, he would say something like .. 'if you tell anybody, I will kill your mother', or 'it's because you were bad, and made me do it'

Those kinds of things above is how an abuser works .. they target you emotionally, this is where they have a firm grasp to keep you under their control.

With an adult man, like yours .. he will create a dramatic environment to keep you under his spell to make you believe that the only reason you are special is because of him .. by creating an atmosphere in which he makes suggestions to you of how important he is, he's the prize he would have you believe .. so that you would feel special to have won him as the prize.

To play that game of manipulation .. he has to keep the relationship teetering on the extremes of love/hate .. with no balance.

And by the simple fact that you participate in this that he has created to keep you under his spell .. he actually has an emotional hold on you because if you don't respond to him in like manner >>>>> you're led to believe that you've lost something of most important value = him.

That's how it works ^^^

To break free of this ... and not just him, but, with all relationships, you have to become aware that you ACTUALLY play this game with him, by reacting to it. You have said in here, numerous times, that you know he's manipulative ... but, you aren't aware that it's not just him playing this game.

A game can only be played if both people are playing .... and by you reacting to it = you playing right into his cards in which he stragically placed before you KNOWING you would pick up the cards and play the hand.

You see .. he knows how to get you riled up, and do so on purpose .. and that's something you need to fully grasp here. The way you word yourself, leaves the impression that you aren't understanding this because you wonder what is the matter with him, why would he treat you this way, why do you have to prove your trust to him when he's the one who betrayed your trust .. all of those things. And you're not understanding that he does this intentionally to keep you emotionally unbalanced because if you are emotionally unbalanced, then you will eargerly participate in his game to seek approval.

Your salvation will come in the form of you truly comprehending that when he creates a situation .. you respond in the exact way he has anticipated that you would to keep you unbalanced.

Such as .. his disappearing act .. you rushed to the wedding, so you could approach him .. you found him flirting with other women.

He did that ^^^^ on purpose .. because he knew you would react to this with emotional chaos

"At this point PA your just BLAH BLAH BALH to me"

I'm certain that blah blah blah is the only thing you ever allow yourself to hear in regards to pain being inflicted upon you because you've already expressed numerous times in here how much you've suffered in your life from being abused.

So, until you heal yourself, and stop using this as a point of reference when you encounter another hurting, as if it's your own pain to experience again and again ... blah, blah, blah is all your injured heart will allow you to comprehend.

There's a difference between sympathizing and empathizing ...

To sympathize means .. to have an association between things, wherein whatever effects one similarily effects the other.

Which is what you have done here. You have associated your own pain that you suffered with abuse, as if it's a determining factor for this woman. Which means, you provided pity on her, by means of a reflection of your own torment .. and I know this to be true because you've referenced your own abuse and how it effected you as a point of reference to get our point across.


To empathize with someone is what she actually needs, in which holds no personal references relative to ones owns suffering as a basis to project concern. To empathsize with a person means .. to experience vicariously FOR what the other person is going through, and not subjective to your own imaginings, rather, the other persons imaginings.


In other words ... you've created a condition where this woman should understand her feelings about this, based off of your own pain, as you felt them.

This woman does NOT need sympathy.

She needs direction.

Let's hope you learned a lesson in this too, CanTaur .. and it being ..


When a person addresses the author of a thread, such as myself, that whatever I say to this person isn't your business to address because I wasn't talking to you = wasn't your business.

**gasps**

That was beautiful, and then you ended it with .. "So maybe he is right to blame me for everything".

You have to get out of the "blame" thing, please.

The fact that you have stayed is where you have to hold yourself accountible .. but, NOT for blame, rather for growth, so you remove yourself from a situation that you know is hurting you.

To err in your life, for all of us to err .. is suppose to be present so we learn, it's not suppose to be there for us to continue beating something up so there is something, or someone to blame.

Blame = Excuse ====== no growth to rise above because there's something to pin it on .. a culprit.

It's about a "reason" why it happens. The reason (not blame) you stayed with him is because you didn't understand that you had the personal power within yourself to determine what brings quality to your life.

Reason = Awareness ====== so you can 'see' what you need to do to make your life right for you.

I am still curious about what insights scorpios have on my situation. I have been reading from various websites that scorpios intentionally test people sometimes to the extreme before they finally accept them or that they tend to force transformation. Can I expect any more "tests"? I am not focused on staying with him any longer but am just curious about scorpio behavior. I have to live with him in the meantime until one of us moves out (there's a waiting period before either one of us can move out) and so I'd like to learn more about scorpio behavior to avoid any further conflict. If you are a scorpio male and you were upset at someone, what are some things the other person can do to avoid further conflict or to at least keep/make peace in the meantime? Obviously, I know I can just keep a distance, but since we live together, I am anticipating some inevitable interaction. Please only respond if you can provide practical advice. I have already decided I don't want to stay with him, but just need some advice on how to keep things peaceful in the meantime.

LMAO.....OMG..... As much as I hate to do this.....

P-Angel..... I BOW DOWN TO YOU, You were right, you cannot always be kind. That Hurt! LOL

"If you are a scorpio male and you were upset at someone, what are some things the other person can do to avoid further conflict or to at least keep/make peace"



** hangs head **


There's no fool like an old fool .. and apparantly I am one if I thought, even for a second, that assistance was being presented to aid in this situation ..

hee hee

cantaur you dont have to bow down to anyone.....just because you were not harsh doesnt mean you did not make some valid points...besides this girl doesnt get it anyway

"just because you were not harsh doesnt mean you did not make some valid points"


That's not what she meant. She meant ..

"besides this girl doesnt get it anyway"



As in ... to be kind has to have value, for a reception within the awareness of it being present, for a purpose. Not in actual tone, as you say .. harsh.

A person would have to recognize kindness of heart, to understand what kindness is ... such as .. this woman is with a very UNkind man, and knows not the difference.


What you were referring to was the Presentation of kind, and CanTaur wasn't referring to the presentation of Kind, rather, the awareness of it's existence, and how it's differentiated.

I understand what CanTaur meant .. and I owe her one, too. 🙂🙂

Because of her completely different viewpoint on how to handle this situation, and going nose-to-nose with me ... as it's relative to both of our desires in place to be of assistance >>>>> a part of the catalyst that opened my eyes to the real truth of his, as well as, Rising's last post.

Had there not been CanTaur's opposing POV to mine .. I also, might not have the ability to comprehend the truth of our efforts, which equals ......


... vanity.

Stop wasting your time. The man is clearly a slut. Dump him.

Rising, although I understand you only wish to hear from Scorpio males regarding your situation at this point, I'm going to respond again anyway. I hope that somehow it will sink in. I'm a Taurus female (like you) involved with a Scorpio male (like you) & have been in a abusive relationship (like you) You are very frustrating to me because when I read your posts I can hear what I USED to sound like.

Your spending all this time reading up on Scorpios, if you want to study something might I suggest abusive relationships & how to leave them. True I do think Scorpios test at the beginning but you have been with him for years & what he's doing are NOT tests. Furthermore, the test he may give you would not involve breaking your bones to see how you react.

"I am not focused on staying with him any longer"
Your lying to yourself Rising, if you really weren't interested in staying with him any longer, you wouldn't be there right now & you definitely wouldn't be trying to figure out how to peacefully interact with him. The truth is, you have no excuses, you could leave today if that's what you really wanted to do. There is always a way. You say you have no close friends nearby to go to for help.......what about the friends you've said you were spending weekends with to give him his space? what about the friends you had over on Labor Day? Apart from that there are many agencies & programs for women such as yourself, look in the phonebook. Plain & simple YOU HAVE NO EXCUSES.

Rising, you are not looking for practical advice, that's all you've received. What your looking for is someone to tell you that you should stay & your looking for someone to tell you what you can do to change him. You will not get that, not from anyone who has half a brain. You CAN NOT CHANGE HIM. But you can change YOURSELF. You went to couples counseling? My guess is that you stopped going, not because the therapist couldn't remember what you had talked about previously but because, NEITHER of you were hearing what you wanted to hear. Go to a therapist alone. You need it.

Get right with yourself Rising, after thinking about it, P-Angel was right, you are responsible because you are allowing this to happen to you. I don't care if your Asian & he's white....what does that have to do with anything? NOTHING, just another pathetic excuse to stay in a bad relationship.

You have been torn down to the lowest of the low, you allowed that to happen. It's your responsibility to build yourself back up & that won't happen in the presence of him. You are pregnant now, you say that makes it harder to leave? That should make it all the more easy. What do you think is going to happen when you piss him off again & he strikes out at you? Are you ready to loose the child your carrying because you"did something wrong" or "spoke in the wrong tone". What's going to happen when the baby cries & he gets pissed off? Are you ready to bury your baby because he didn't want to hear the noise & he shook it to death? That sounds pretty gruesome but shit like this happens EVERY DAY & you have fair warning that you are involved with someone who is capable of this.

If something like that were to happen, I'd hold you just as responsible. You are getting your 1st lesson in motherhood. It's not about you anymore Rising. You chose to put yourself in a position to bring another life into the world. YOU & YOU ALONE are now responsible for the welfare of this life. Do you want your baby to grow up in a place where it's OK to scream & hit? You can break the cycle, you need to break the cycle. Don't put it off, do it. & I promise you in a year from now You will be, mentally & emotionally in a much better place & you'll kick yourself in ass when you think back to all the things you said here.

I don't think she wants to hear all this ... though, clearly, it's the solution.

Ok, I'll give you what you want ... eventhough this counsel goes against my principals.

1. Don't leave the house to go anywhere, even if it's just out in the garden .. until, you've called him and asked him for persmission.

2. Don't make or recieve phone calls from anyone other than him.

3. Dump all friends to whom he thinks isn't acceptable.

4. Don't question anything he does or says .. this is his choice, and not yours. So, if he stays out all night, just make sure you have a warm smile and a hot meal waiting for him upon his return, whenever that may be at his discretion.

5. Don't ... I repeat .. DO NOT .. argue with him. Just smile and agree with everything he says.

6.


Actually, you know what ... I'll come right back and post the link to being a good-wife, and it's defined in there what you need to do.

brb

Oh, that was easy, it's just ...... www.goodwife.com


Go to the bottom of the page and it lists everything you need to do to make your man happy, and how to please him, and keep him in a good mood.

If you do all those things ... then he probably won't beat you anylonger.


Good Luck and I hope you find the way 🙂🙂

Lol PA...Funny stuff!! 🙂

Yeah rising, you do have control at the end of the day, so don't let that w@nker try to keep it from you one minute longer. TAKE it back. You have the power to make it stop, or to allow your sufferance to continue. So far he's only been fooling you into thinking he has control - it's an illusion, you need to see past it.

Now I do understand how mystifying these situations can be, because all the while you are sitting there trying to figure out why this guy is behaving like this, when you've done nothing to deserve it. And guys, unless you've been in that situation - you DON'T understand. It's hard, but you gotta snap out of it. It's wasting your time - I fell into that trap too, and I look back on myself now and can't believe how much of a fool I was...But honey, I got out alot faster than you.

The fact of the matter is, he is treating you like SH1T - if you aren't happy, GET OUT. You'll have all the time in the world to think about it (if you want) once he's out of your life. You gotta get your life back...Trust me, you'll thank yourself for it in about 2 months time.

I think some woman get a kick out of being abuse...

ill be damn if my man will have me walking around on eggshells all day!

mystic is that your baby?? oh my god she (i hope im right) is such a cutie!

Anything is possible and/or obtainable ... when the desire is present.