Am I needy?

I asked my friends their opinions, but I'm in need of impartial opinions please.
Cap woman, ascendent Gemini. Married to a Gemini man. We have known each other for 10 years and got married a few years ago. Things used to be amazing. No fights ever, but in the past months, things changed. We've been fighting a lot. He speaks highly of me to everyone we know. He called me his soulmate, the love of his life, and 2 days ago, he said he wants to be with me forever. But we are going through stress in our life and he changed. He doesn't like being around me, mostly because the stress turned us both into messes.

All 5 days of this week, we didn't spend much time together. He played video games with his friends, read, watched TV. He's a lonewolf. Something I respect. He loves to talk. He texts his friends, both male and female. Talk to them on Facebook everyday. But goes hours without talking to me regularly. Still talk to his friends.
For the last 3 days I have been going through some issues and today I received a really bad news. It left me crying, me a Cap who doesn't show much emotions.

He went out with some friends for a birthday dinner/Halloween thing tonight. He sent a pic from the dinner party and I called him right away to ask about the dinner. He immediately heard that I have been crying. I told him about the bad news, and I asked him if he could come home earlier than he planned to spend some time with me. He got bothered by my request. Normally, I respect his wish to do whatever he wants, but tonight was different. I needed my husband. He told me he wanted to stay out. I asked him about tomorrow, I told him I wanted to spend time with him. He told me he had plans with his friends and didn't want to let them down. I got upset, and explained logically why I needed him. He told me he didn't know what he was going to do. He came home earlier than planned, but I was already in bed.

Was I needy tonight? Was I right to be upset? I didn't expect him to rush to me, but when he need me, I'm always there for him, and if I'm not he spam my phone until I pick up. I'm always his rock, his support and it's like he doesn't want to be mine.

I would say it depends on what the bad news was.

Something minor, like you didn't get the job or got a bad grade, then yes, that was needy.
Something major, like a medical diagnosis or a death of a family member, then he should be with you. Regardless of what his plans were.

I will say, though, the not talking and not spending time together doesn't sound too promising for the future of your relationship. I'm a cap who was married to a gem. We fought a lot and once our relationship got like that, it wasn't long before we called it quits.

So, before resentment builds up, irritation increases and before either of you start looking elsewhere, I would suggest doing something so that you can remember what you liked about each other. Maybe a weekend trip together, or a day at an amusement park - something where you can see his fun side and he can see your stable side.

"In good times and in bad times"

I think you should ask some wives from the last century.
The women of today don't stay for so long with the same man.

Since we have no 12 children to maintain, we have lots of time to miss our men. And a Venus in Cancer make it even worse.

Posted by CarRiderGirl
...He reiterated many times how it's not a love problem at all. He still loves me, still sees me as his soulmate. Just bored with our life, yet doesn't want to change what we do so we can connect again. He doesn't understand how what we do as a couple is important for us, to stay connected...
How do I explain it's important for us to make time for us?
Has he given up?

If you are married to a fun loving sign (like Sag and Gem) don't come with tragedy. We cannot handle it. Check, maybe you have ideas for new entertaining activities. If you have new ideas (ask some Aqua girls) then he will want to share time with you again.

A man's first priority and loyalty should be to his wife. He should have dropped everything to go comfort you. Period. You're not wrong in this scenario. He should be treating you like the queen to his king. You should come before his friends.

Posted by CarRiderGirl

He doesn't like being around me, mostly because the stress turned us both into messes.

You seemed to barely glaze over the most important information at all. The above alludes to an incident that happened that stressed you out so bad that you're a mess. Yet, you failed to clarify on the symptoms of this mess that you are.

You said that this mess has caused him to not like being around you. The logical assumption here is that this condition of "mess" that you say translates to you being a fucking bitch, and emotionally bitch slapping him around.

If not that ... then what? What is this condition that rendered you such a mess that it drove him away?



Then you proceeded to tell us contradictory information such as:

1. you want him to come home to be with you, and you cry on the phone to him to try and manipulate him to come home

2. then he comes home eary, but, you say you were already in bed, which saying it that way implies you didn't get out of bed to be with him

so, if you are that desperate to be with him, then why would you lay in the bed to pretend that your sleep was more important just after telling us that it's important for him to pay attention to you?

You want us to tell you that you are right. You don't want answers, you want validation.

You have twisted this around to make it sound like you're an innocent victim to him treating you like shit ... when in reality, it takes two to tango.

Posted by Shruikan
A man's first priority and loyalty should be to his wife. He should have dropped everything to go comfort you. Period. You're not wrong in this scenario. He should be treating you like the queen to his king. You should come before his friends.

+1 million. thank GOD someone else thinks this way.

Posted by P-Angel

You want us to tell you that you are right. You don't want answers, you want validation.

You have twisted this around to make it sound like you're an innocent victim to him treating you like shit ... when in reality, it takes two to tango.

weren't you talking about your husband laying down his very shirt for you?

Posted by CarRiderGirl
I asked my friends their opinions, but I'm in need of impartial opinions please.

Curious.

What opinion did your friends have? Did they disagree with you so you're here now trying to find someone who's on your side?

Posted by CarRiderGirl
He came home earlier than planned, but I was already in bed.

That would piss me off.

If I changed my plans and came home early because you needed me, then when I got there, you were already in bed, I would be pissed. I would have spitefully woke you up and made you get up and a fight would have pursued instead of the comfort you needed. Then, the next time you called me, I wouldn't change my plans. You called wolf before, so what would make me think you aren't doing it now. See how that logic fits? So, question is, have you done this to him before?

Posted by truecap

Posted by CarRiderGirl
He came home earlier than planned, but I was already in bed.

That would piss me off.

If I changed my plans and came home early because you needed me, then when I got there, you were already in bed, I would be pissed. I would have spitefully woke you up and made you get up and a fight would have pursued instead of the comfort you needed. Then, the next time you called me, I wouldn't change my plans. You called wolf before, so what would make me think you aren't doing it now. See how that logic fits? So, question is, have you done this to him before?

click to expand

I'd be fucking furious .... but, more so, I'd be disillusioned, and that's huge to a Fish who is prone to jump ship at any time, without warning.

She's lucky he's a Gemini and not a Pisces.

Judging from everything I've read in here I would venture to guess that she has done this before .... she just threw it in there nonchalantly, as if it doesn't hold much importance.

On another thread, I read something about a woman at work that he has started paying attention to, and I'd have to go back and re-read, but, if memory serves me correctly - everything was honky dory until the arrival of this woman.

So, the logical assumption becomes that she has decided to play him, rather than communicate to him directly ... and it backfired - he's a fucking Gemini ffs.

So, now we are seeing the aftermath of the twin that won't give a fuck before it will cater to bullshit.

* u

hunky

A friendship/relationship of 10/12 years is a long time to be playing for attention .... something must be wrong with him if he'd tolerate you for this long, IF, you've been this immature the entire duration.


So, it becomes logical to assume that .... this is all bullshit. The likely truth is you've known him for 10 days and that emotionally = you're 4 years old.


.... because really - who throws a temper tantrum for the attention, and then ignores you once she has it except a child?

Yeah I think it depends on what the bad news was.....However he should've been there for u if u needed him to be. Its fair to feel that what you give to him that you ask that in return. 10 years is a LONG TIME! And the grass isn't greener on the other side. Ive learned that men don't think like we do, so to try to make sense to him is going to be too complicated. When things are going good, I say to tell him how you feel. So that way no bad or negative vibes are in the air. Things are clear and no emotions are out. That way he can see your side. It takes a lot for a Cap to cry. So I am sure that when u did, it was truly over something....

Sound needy to me...
If he already had plans the next day n you sprung it on him he didn't want to look bad to his friends

Why didn't you wait till he was home to tell him the news??

I'd be really pissed to if I came home earlier after you asked to find you asleep... Who does that feels like you munipulated him to come home and didn't even bother to wait up to talk things through or to be comforted by him when he could give you time.

Best thing to do if you get bad news is get ice cream comfort food and ring your girl friends who will listen and be there for you.

Then when ur husband homes home u can tell him in person and be comforted in his arms

No you're NOT needy.

A married man going out on Halloween without his wife and refusing to come home when his wife is asking him so in tears?

WTF was he doing there? Chasing after girls dressed as an ass clown and screaming trick or treat? Then saying he came home "early" (which could be any time between midnight to dawn) and thus cowardly trying to put the blame on his wife, because she cried her to sleep earlier?

The ass clown is having a midlife crisis aka second teen-age. Based upon this and his previous behavior, I would kick his ass out.

Posted by noname

Posted by truecap

Posted by CarRiderGirl
He came home earlier than planned, but I was already in bed.

That would piss me off.

If I changed my plans and came home early because you needed me, then when I got there, you were already in bed, I would be pissed. I would have spitefully woke you up and made you get up and a fight would have pursued instead of the comfort you needed. Then, the next time you called me, I wouldn't change my plans. You called wolf before, so what would make me think you aren't doing it now. See how that logic fits? So, question is, have you done this to him before?

really truecap? you would wake up your loved one who was really upset cried to sleep to start a fight because he didn't jump up happily to greet you when you walked into the door?! my question to you would be why did you feel all happy and worry free to go partying while you should have been there for him, even just lying down quietly next to him. i guess i'm really an alien that i believe and live a true intimacy which means it's He and I against the world.

this thread reminds me of what my virgo gf told me one time. she told me our sag friend was ridiculous because she called her last min to tell her she cannot go to this other friend's birthday party because her guy's best friend just passed away and she needed to be there with him (he was crying). virgo said what kinda man cry for this and she was not a good friend to give her rain check. i looked at her like she was an alien and i started to keep her at 2x arms length.

click to expand

Yes. I would. If you needed me that bad, and I changed my plans, then you went to sleep and wouldn't get up to talk to me I would be pissed. You better get up and tell me what was wrong. Otherwise, you didn't need me that bad.

Posted by noname

Posted by truecap

Posted by CarRiderGirl
He came home earlier than planned, but I was already in bed.

That would piss me off.

If I changed my plans and came home early because you needed me, then when I got there, you were already in bed, I would be pissed. I would have spitefully woke you up and made you get up and a fight would have pursued instead of the comfort you needed. Then, the next time you called me, I wouldn't change my plans. You called wolf before, so what would make me think you aren't doing it now. See how that logic fits? So, question is, have you done this to him before?

really truecap? you would wake up your loved one who was really upset cried to sleep to start a fight because he didn't jump up happily to greet you when you walked into the door?! my question to you would be why did you feel all happy and worry free to go partying while you should have been there for him, even just lying down quietly next to him. i guess i'm really an alien that i believe and live a true intimacy which means it's He and I against the world.

this thread reminds me of what my virgo gf told me one time. she told me our sag friend was ridiculous because she called her last min to tell her she cannot go to this other friend's birthday party because her guy's best friend just passed away and she needed to be there with him (he was crying). virgo said what kinda man cry for this and she was not a good friend to give her rain check. i looked at her like she was an alien and i started to keep her at 2x arms length.

click to expand

When he went partying, you were fine with it. Nothing was wrong when he left. He came back home. You didn't even get up and appreciate he changed his plans for you. It's not about "happily getting up to greet them".

Posted by Undine
No you're NOT needy.

A married man going out on Halloween without his wife and refusing to come home when his wife is asking him so in tears?

WTF was he doing there? Chasing after girls dressed as an ass clown and screaming trick or treat? Then saying he came home "early" (which could be any time between midnight to dawn) and thus cowardly trying to put the blame on his wife, because she cried her to sleep earlier?

The ass clown is having a midlife crisis aka second teen-age. Based upon this and his previous behavior, I would kick his ass out.

She gave him permission to go.

But, honestly. You don't spend time together. You two can't even talk to each other. He's spending more time with his friends than you. Resentment has already built up, probably past the point of no return.

Start preparing for a life changing experience. Get your ducks in a row now, rather than later.
Have an idea on a place to live. Have some money set aside he doesn't know about. Start discretely checking out who the good divorce lawyers.

*says the cap divorced from a gem*

Just because you're prepared, doesn't mean you don't have to follow through. Just be prepared is all I'm saying.

Posted by truecap
But, honestly. You don't spend time together. You two can't even talk to each other. He's spending more time with his friends than you. Resentment has already built up, probably past the point of no return.

Start preparing for a life changing experience. Get your ducks in a row now, rather than later.
Have an idea on a place to live. Have some money set aside he doesn't know about. Start discretely checking out who the good divorce lawyers.

*says the cap divorced from a gem*

+1 He seems to be trying to remain civil because he cares and there might still be a sliver of hope that it will work out with lots of space. Almost separate lives. His mind and soul are long gone and you only have body and even that he's reluctant to give you.

A gem can coexist with you and still keep their emotions separate and to feel like that he's gone through so many emotions including anger, even despised you at some point. Now indifference and you probably didn't realize how strong the various feelings were and might have been confused at his behaviour.

Posted by gemeliorist

Posted by truecap
But, honestly. You don't spend time together. You two can't even talk to each other. He's spending more time with his friends than you. Resentment has already built up, probably past the point of no return.

Start preparing for a life changing experience. Get your ducks in a row now, rather than later.
Have an idea on a place to live. Have some money set aside he doesn't know about. Start discretely checking out who the good divorce lawyers.

*says the cap divorced from a gem*

+1 He seems to be trying to remain civil because he cares and there might still be a sliver of hope that it will work out with lots of space. Almost separate lives. His mind and soul are long gone and you only have body and even that he's reluctant to give you.

A gem can coexist with you and still keep their emotions separate and to feel like that he's gone through so many emotions including anger, even despised you at some point. Now indifference and you probably didn't realize how strong the various feelings were and might have been confused at his behaviour.

click to expand

I just see similarities from the last year of my marriage. What you're saying is exactly what I think was going through his mind. Every effort I made to "fix it" just seemed like I was desperately hanging on to a thread much like she is.

Sad, I know.

Yea you just told him too late. Needy is a pattern. Not one instance.

Posted by magma
I've been with my amazing wife since 1970 and we've been through this. I think I could give you some good pointers, but that would involve a level of candedness and personal expose' that I don't want to provide in an open forum. You are welcome to PM me if you wish.

FGS man, you are as anonymous on this forum as a tree in a park. If your experience is of relevance, it was most likely similar to that of one hundred thousand other people. Which leaves you as anonymous as before. Nobody knows who you are and surely nobody will stalk your anonymous self for giving some good advice!

What is written here is not just for CapRiderGirl, but for any other woman in a similar situation, who may land on dxpnet by searching the internet. I landed here after matching my keywords to words in WoundedLeo's thread. She has deleted since...however I'm still here.

That was funny Pisces. You guys can be really funny sometimes and I've had some great laughs with you in RL....but I am sorry I cannot like you because you are a water sign 😢

Posted by Undine

Posted by magma
I've been with my amazing wife since 1970 and we've been through this. I think I could give you some good pointers, but that would involve a level of candedness and personal expose' that I don't want to provide in an open forum. You are welcome to PM me if you wish.

FGS man, you are as anonymous on this forum as a tree in a park. If your experience is of relevance, it was most likely similar to that of one hundred thousand other people. Which leaves you as anonymous as before. Nobody knows who you are and surely nobody will stalk your anonymous self for giving some good advice!

What is written here is not just for CapRiderGirl, but for any other woman in a similar situation, who may land on dxpnet by searching the internet. I landed here after matching my keywords to words in WoundedLeo's thread. She has deleted since...however I'm still here.

click to expand

^this

and I remember woundedleo too.

How can you not like someone because they're a water sign? I know a gem who is in love a scorp. He dumps her ass every two weeks and she does anything to get him back. Wtf.....smh@ that statement.

With a*