I'm going to be starting anger management classes I think, I had an episode last Sunday where I had a rage fit and scared the shit out of my boyfriend and ex friend, I tried breaking up with my boyfriend after it happened because I'm scared that I'm going to hurt him I didn't want to hurt him or my friend and I didn't but just the whole aspect of not being in control and they were so scared of me the look on their faces and then the feeling of abandonment sets in and I want hug so badly but they couldn't and I knew they wouldnt so I had to leave them on the hwy and hitchhike 4 hours home because I knew they Were scared to be in the car with me.....I saw him today and explained the reason why I was breaking up with him and he said we don't have to break up and I just cried and cried and cried, I can't take this emotional shit anymore, I've looked up what anger management entails and it fucking sucks, I feel like a cliche and that another part of me is broken, when I got back home I told mum everything that happened and even then it was a fucking struggle, I got a lift home with a Belgian backpacker and I let him stay the night, my friends had already called my mum to tell her I had left them and was arriving, I get home and she's drunk and she gets angry at me for bringing home a tourist (I'm always bringing strays home) anyways we just arrive and i leave him in the living room and I go to my mums bed and lay there in the foetal position and she comes in after realising my absence in the light of our new guest and tells me to go entertain my guest, and she knows what's just happened from my BF calling her. So she comes to me looks at me and asks are you going to entertain your friend? And I say do I look like I can? Then she goes why do you always bring these guys to me and I say I don't bring them here to you he brought me here, your son safe and fucking sound I am not well and I can't entertain him I need you to listen to me, she tries to get the information out of me but she keeps interjecting and not listening like she always does and completely disregards my feelings till I'm on the floor screaming crying and flipping out hysterically, all I needed was a hug but I was too ashamed to ask......why the fuck can't people fucking understand this fucking shit!!!!! I didn't even give a fuck that the Belgian who had just gave this normal seeming hitchhiker a lift could hear me have an episode n the other side of the house, I finally was able to tell her to hug me and my brother came in and calmed me down. I had a pill over the weekend and the comedown set in on Sunday, I feel like such an idiot for taking it but I was drunk.....the thing is I blame my mother which is why she's paying for my sessions "if it costs" because it was actually her who used to belt me if I cried, can you imagine what that feels like being to emotional that you cry but your crying annoys your mum so she stands there with a belt saying don"t and if you cry you get whacked..
