Boundaries

What would it take to allow someone to cross your boundaries? Why would some people set up boundaries if they don't enforce them? And why do some people seem not to have any boundaries at all?

I see so many threads of people not sticking to their boundaries, or they don't appear to have any boundaries at all.

Thought this would be a fun, enlightening discussion. So, discuss away...

Posted by djbuck1
Define?

Spoken like a person with boundary issues *wink wink*

Miami knows better! lol!

It's just I read a lot of threads about people letting all these other people run all over them. After multitudes of advice, they admit they need to draw boundaries.

Or they have boundaries but allow people to continuously over step those boundaries and I'm wondering, why have them in the first place. If someone oversteps your boundaries, then you have to take a stand and be willing to follow through. But they keep giving more and more chances.

I understand a minor infarction occasionally, but major infarctions require action.

Is it a lack of self esteem?

That they are so in love with this person, they're willing to allow them to treat them crappy?

Is it fear of being alone?

—??

It's not just relationships. It's family. It's friends. It's co-workers and bosses.

Come on, where is the self worth?

I was just curious as to what everyone's limits are.

It seems to be more of an issue for the twenty-somethings than us, ahem, more mature folks.

Their "boundaries" are more like thinly veiled threats, stinking of mental manipulation and control.

I think they fantasize the relationship and don't want to "mess it up" because they've built in their head what they want to see, then look the other way when the boundaries are crossed because they don't really want to walk away.

I do think age has something to do with it. We know ourselves better, have more life experiences, therefore, we know what we are and what we're not willing to put up with.

Posted by djbuck1
One that seems to come up on DXP a lot is cheating. I'm always surprised at how many people seem willing to give someone, "a second chance," or who make all sorts of excuses for cheating. I do understand that if there are children involved that may skew the decision markedly, but why a single person would ever accept cheating is just beyond me. You do that, and we're done.

Exactly!!

I didn't think about that angle, JenLove. So, yeah, maybe some people make excuses for other people's actions.

Some people like to over-compensate for what they don't have by pretending like they are/have something they don't have

The guy with the little penis doesn't want you to know that he's got little-man syndrome so he goes out & buys an expensive car hoping that it compensates for his lack of package lol

It's like the person who feels the need to scream & shout & cause a scene when they're lying. They believe that they'll seem more honest/sorry if they get louder or over-talk you more.

A woman may scream "I have boundaries! I have boundaries!" all day long even if she has no plans on enforcing them b/c it means more to her to appear strong & like a woman of high self-esteem more than it's important to actually be a woman of high esteem who enforces boundaries

Some people put more work into the gift wrapping than they do the actual present inside. Some women spend more time AND more effort pretending to have boundaries, pretending to be busy & pretending to be strong than they do actually enforcing boundaries, being strong & being busy.

Think about it...people get respect & more attention when they swear they're a person of many boundaries & standards. They like the respect & admiration they get from others in the beginning when they appear to be the queen of confidence. They believe that if they tell you 1,000 times that they won't put up with something that it'll make you never mess up. They believing warning you that they have boundaries would encourage you to not dare have the audacity or nerve to test them or call their bluff!

But adults are sometimes like kids when there's a hot stove around. People like testing other people. They wanna see what you're made of. They wanna touch the hot stove just to see if you're really the badazz that you swore you were. They want "confirmation" that you're this oh so strong person that you sold yourself to be. This is quite silly to an extent of course if you find out that they meant business & end up losing them for it!

But many of the people who often cross boundaries in almost every friendship/relationship they get into know that most people just talk a good game. And even the boundary-crossers won't believe your "speeches" until they can see the proof that you were really as no-nonsense as you said you were.

So long story short...the people who set strict boundaries but never enforce them only do so b/c pretending to be a stronger & no non-sense person gains them more respect & a more respectable potential.

They knew they had no plans on enforcing their boundaries b/c most people know themselves. They know good & damn well that if they love you enough, they'll probably forgive you for cheating the 1st time. BUT they won't want YOU to know that. They know good & well that they'll let you take them for granted if they feel the payoff from being in that relationship is worthwhile, BUT they won't want YOU to know that.

People like this are like the people who go out & get ridiculously expensive cars. They know that people will automatically assume they must be a stand-up person who has money & power even if that is furthest from the truth. Who cares that they may not have either in real life, as long as they were able to fool YOU into believing so!

True, if they insist they are this, then rest assured, they are that.

Weak & strong people BOTH swear they're strong & have boundaries. The only way you can usually tell the difference unfortunately is to test them lol

You can't say someone is honest if they've never proven it (Being put in a situation where most people would've lied, but instead they chose to tell the truth). You can't say someone is patient unless you've seen them in a situation where patience was tested. You can't say someone has boundaries unless they've been put in a situation where their bluff was called & they actually passed their own test.

I'm just as amazed at the people who take the risks crossing those boundaries as I am surprised/amazed at the people who bark about standards they knew all along they wouldn't enforce. Both are stupid

I agree though. The people who over-do it & try to force it down your throat that they have strict boundaries are usually the people who are full of sh***t. Kind of like the person who brags about themselves in a conceited fashion. That's not confidence; that's insecurity in disguise