Does living together ruin everything?

Here's a little story to illustrate my question...

One sunny day a beautiful young woman was driving along in her car when a song she??d never heard before came on the radio. The song had an immediate impact on her and she loved hearing it. When it was finished she felt great and wanted to hear the song again, but she had to wait until it came on the radio. After a few days, it did. Once more she experienced the joy of hearing the song. Her desire for the song grew and grew, and she wanted to hear it again, even more than before. Each time she heard the song she felt great joy, while each time she was waiting to hear the song again she felt a great desire to feel its effect. Soon she wanted to hear the song so badly that she had to have it permanently in her home, so she went to the music store to buy it on CD. When she got it home she put the CD in the player and listened intently, indulged herself in its vibrations, satisfied her craving for its effect??_ but she soon realised that now it was there in her home and she could have it whenever she wanted, that she no longer desired it so strongly. She threw the CD in a drawer, safe in the knowledge that, because she could hear it when she wanted, there was no longer a pressing need to hear it right now. Soon she forgot about the song altogether — it was just another random item, for which she had no strong desire, sitting ignored in her home.

Does this feel familiar? Yes, it's what happens after a couple move in together. How do you maintain the sense of —unavailability?? that keeps your partner??s desire for you strong, once you are living together? Or should you just not live together at all?

Make sure the CD that you purchase has 20 songs that you love and want to hear over and over again 😉

Not when ur in love 🙂 Of course the want to see the person is not gonna be there as much, if u lived together, but u really gotta know how to keep the sparks flying. NEVER get comfortable...i tell my man that all the time and he agrees 🙂

The "Cd effect" happens regardless of whether 2 people are living together or not.

Over time, friends start getting a little too "comfortable" & they end up taking their friends for granted. Over time, 2 people in a relationship who are living separately, start to get "comfortable" & get the "He/she's not going anywhere" attitude. Same thing can happen for 2 people in a relationship that are living together or married.

It's not living together that necessarily changes this, as there are plenty of people who allowed living together with their partners to excel & advance the level of love/appreciation they have for their partners.

It's the "He/she's not going anywhere" attitude that ruins things. And unfortunately, alot of couples, whether they're living together or not, get this attitude. Moving in with someone when you already had this attitude, of course just makes things worse & can ruin things. But I think it's moreso about the attitude of the person/couple vs. the place they move to.

Plus, you've got to consider WHY a person got into a relationship to begin with. Isn't the point to strive towards being with that person (that YES you'll see over & over & over again) forever OR atleast for as long as possible? If someone can't even handle the aspect of duh, getting the same thing over & over again & being just as satisfied, then commitment period is not for them. Commitment is about being able to hear that song in your house every night & yet STILL try to find some kind of way to enjoy it & crave it each time.

Posted by krysrenee7
It's the "He/she's not going anywhere" attitude that ruins things. And unfortunately, a lot of couples, whether they're living together or not, get this attitude.

This brings into the discussion another thing that I??ve noticed — I call it the —relationship paradox??. Some time ago I was in a long term relationship with a woman who, one day, turned round and told me that I wasn't the ambitious man full of plans that I??d been when we first met. I had originally been planning my own enterprise, my own website, etc. and now she wondered where all of that had gone. Well, the answer, simply, was that I??d de-prioritized those things in order to pursue my relationship with her. This is what the —relationship paradox?? is about??_ when you cease to be the person that someone fell in love with because you??re being less selfish and less focused on yourself in order to make certain compromises which have to be made to make a relationship work. Ironically, we??re attracted to people when they are at their full strength — autonomous beings with the brightness and contrast of their personality cranked-up to the max, but we cease to be those people once that attraction has brought us together. Then we disappointedly wonder where that mega-attractive person has gone, and why that person is so much less passionate about us at the same time. To make a relationship work on a practical level you inevitably have to be less selfish and less of an individual, but as a consequence you become less of the person that the other fell for and therefore become less attractive to that person. Is it possible to continue as you were when single once you are in a serious relationship with someone? It would appear that this is necessary in order to maintain the spark. After all, you signed-up for the bright, colourful, romantic, horny person that you experienced during the —free trial??, not the dull, grey, lacklustre, indifferent person that they become after you take out a long-term subscription. I guess the secret is to make sure you keep heading where you were headed when you first met. If it was your sense of direction that attracted them, don't change your direction once you??ve got them!

Sounds like people only want dating status, for keeping attraction and never letting it get comfortable is their answer.

If you only want dating status, then you're doomed if you live together.


When you grow up, you will want to have a future .. and that is what you will think about, instead of a constant battle of trying to make impressions.

Well, as someone who has lived with every bf except her first, I can maybe shed some light. When I move in with someone I don't really want that sense of "unavailability" anymore. Screw that! I want to wake up to their face every morning, I want to have spontaneous sex at my disposal, I want someone to come home to, someone I can share home-cooked meals with, play music with, someone to get naked with and cuddle in bed while watching a movie... I get more excited as time progresses because we become more solid. The sex becomes more frequent too.

To keep that sense of unavailability, like you want, you must still remain engaged in your life outside of your partner. Go out and pursue your interests that she doesn't share with you while still maintaining the ones that you do. It's a balancing act as are most things in life. Not only do I live with my love, I also work alongside him 4 days/week, and that can be hard in and of itself. So I especially make a point to go out without him sometimes and, what is also a big help, I also work on my own projects alone when I am at home with him. We can still be in the same room but our minds are miles apart from each other. For example, I'll be writing and he'll be making/playing music. This can carry on for hours at a time, then something will bring us back to the present (such as hunger), and we'll "visit" as if we hadn't seen each other all day.

Hope this helps!

Posted by CappyyLuv30
... but the fact is we just get so comfortable with one another that we find ourselves in ruts.

Exactly!

Posted by CappyyLuv30
I refuse to be that person again. I think we have to get to the point where we say, "honey, I love you but I need to continue being the person you fell in love with...

click to expand

You're so right.

Hardly surprising that you're a Cappy - only a Cappy could articulate something in a way which resonates so succinctly with a Virgo! My GF and I are both wise enough to recognise the need continue being the person that the other fell for, though we do fall into the 'lazy trap' occasionally.

Incidentally, my GF is a Cappy too 🙂

Posted by CappyyLuv30
I've posted about exactly this on the Cap board - "how can one fall in love without losing themselves?"

Sounds like an interesting read. I've had a look for it but I can't find it - maybe you could post a link?

I read this the other day and didn't like the theory but couldn't really explain what my problem was with it. Then this morning driving to work it hit me. You don't marry the one hit wonder. You fall in love with the artist. You may not like every track they put out and the sound may change a little over the years, but you're still a fan.

A level of comfort is GOOD in my opinion. Yes, you need to keep some individuality and please don't follow me every fucking place I go, but we don't need to make it some game at living at the opposite ends of the house. It has always bothered me how people talk about getting comfortable with someone like it is a disease.

There was a thread a little while back titled Love Like This where an NPR segment had been animated and talked about a couple and the simplicity of their love. Everyone thought it was great and said it was what they wanted. Do you realize how boring some of those times were for them? The general feeling around here is that if you get bored you should move on. What about a love that lasts through some changes and faults? We all sit around here day after day, week after week, some of us (you) even year after year talking to strangers on the internet yet we expect our partner to take away all our boredom? I think it's just unrealistic and it causes more problems than it helps. I want someone I can be bored with while not being bored of. How exciting is your life right now? Don't expect a partner to change it that much...

Now of course that's not an all the time thing either. I enjoy going out and doing stuff too, but I don't expect a partner to make all my troubles go away. In a lot of ways having someone else there makes it MORE complicated. The benefit of a relationship, imho, is companionship. I'm sure you all know an old couple that has been together so long they finish each others sentences and perhaps have even started to look like each other. You think they aren't comfortable together?

There are caveats and details galore and there's no way we could hash out all of them in a thread but that's the gist of what I think. I want someone to grow old with, that is going to create some comfort and repetition... why is that a bad thing?

We can make new songs... keep the band together.

—

Posted by ninjamu
Well, as someone who has lived with every bf except her first, I can maybe shed some light. When I move in with someone I don't really want that sense of "unavailability" anymore. Screw that! I want to wake up to their face every morning, I want to have spontaneous sex at my disposal, I want someone to come home to, someone I can share home-cooked meals with, play music with, someone to get naked with and cuddle in bed while watching a movie... I get more excited as time progresses because we become more solid. The sex becomes more frequent too.

Hope this helps!

Your fucking lucky