FEAR

They say love knows no fear. But I beg to differ.

Yes, too much fear can ruin things, BUT having SOME (keyword) fear can absolutely save you and/or lead you to having a healthy relationship with someone.

GOOD examples of how fear can HELP: Fear can activate logic. Fear reminds you that certain things (bad) CAN/WILL happen. Fearing certain things can keep you on your toes & prevent you from falling off the deep end & making all decisions based on emotions.

If you fear being cheated on, that fear may drive you to keep yourself in shape, keep your partner happy or continually work on obtaining the tools for a healthy relationship.

If you fear being fooled or being naive, that fear may keep you on your toes & remind you to not have your head in the clouds 24-7. It can remind you to think logically when you need to, instead of letting your everchanging/turbulent emotions consume you.

Remembering that there are bad people who have bad intentions can help you to remember to look for those red flags, warning signs, etc. Those who fear abuse generally tend to stay away from abusive relationships simply b/c their fear of abuse kept them up to date on the "warning signs," thus they allowed that fear to propel them to move on or run the min. something seems fishy.

If you fear failure, you may purposely do what you have to do to NOT fail. And in some cases, this is a GOOD thing. I fear being broke, thus fearing such allows me to remember to pay my bills on time & to make good financial decisions.

Do you guys get where I'm coming from? I get that TOO much fear can ruin things, but I absolutely think that fearing certain things can keep you on your toes & away from trouble.

I hear what you're saying and I'm sure fear is beneficial for some...but personally, I want none of it.

I can't think of one fear I've ever had in a relationship that served me well. I've feared things that have happened, so fearing them didn't protect me from anything. I just hung around like an idiot until they happened when I should have run the other way.

For me, fear is an emotion that has a negative impact on my psychological well being. I don't want it.

Nope, fear in relationships doesn't work well for me. I don't want to have to be suspicious you're cheating on me. If I AM suspicious, chances are it won't last long unless that suspicion is quickly resolved. I'm not afraid of being fooled or too naive, I KNOW I'm naive, but I have a very good instinct about people and I trust it. The only mistake I made, I got high (for the second time ever), the second night I knew him. I am afraid of being abused.. if someone physically threatens me I'll be gone so quick his head will spin. But I don't usually get into relationships with men who'd do that. (with my one mistake).

I think you should keep yourself looking good just to keep your partner happy, not because you're afraid he'll cheat on you.

I agree that too much fear can def. ruin things.

But let's define "fear." We all have things that we want to avoid or would hate to happen. And in order to make sure those things never happen, we try our best to do what we can to avoid those things. This is fear. To say that fear doesn't control/run atleast 50% of our lives would be the same as saying that human beings aren't afraid of certain outcomes, circumstances or situations.

I would hate (or fear, for lack of a better word) to lose my partner over something petty, therefore me fearing that is PART of (not the WHOLE driving force behind) why I try my best to communicate effectively with my partner.

I would hate to rush into things when I 1st start dating someone, therefore me fearing that is what drives me to thoroughly get to know someone before I take that leap of faith.

I fear being a victim of a buglary, therefore me fearing crime is what leads me to lock all doors & invest in an alarm system.

I fear getting stds, therefore me fearing such drives me to remember to use protection during sexual relations/intercourse.

In these situations, a small amount of fear can def. HELP the situation b/c it keeps you on your toes & reminds you of the outcomes you do NOT want to face or experience.

To me, not wanting/expecting a certain outcome, situation or experience is the SAME as fearing something. Doesn't mean that you have to let the fear totally consume you, BUT that you being aware of certain risks can def. better help & prevent you from making certain decisions

I can see some benefits from fear, but what I KNOW is that fear weighs heavily on me. That's the one certainty. What I fear may or may not come true, my fear may or may not protect me in some way...but what is indisputable and what is guaranteed is that it WILL hurt me emotionally.

However, there is fear and there is concern. Concern is healthy. Fear is confining, stifling, binding....a powerful hindrance to everything I've ever wanted in life. It's a shelter of sorts that I do not want.

Posted by Shadows
However, there is fear and there is concern. Concern is healthy. Fear is confining, stifling, binding....a powerful hindrance to everything I've ever wanted in life. It's a shelter of sorts that I do not want.

I read, "The Science of Fear" by Daniel Gardner & after reading that, I've grown to learn that having mild or even high concern for something is the SAME as fearing it.

Concern IS fear, just on a smaller scale. Anything that we DON'T want to happen, see or experience is called fear.

Some fear that is handled in moderation can def. save or help a situation out, in life period & not just in the relationship area.

It all depends on each person's willingness & to what extent they allow fear to consume or control them. There are different levels of fear. Fearing things so much so that it consumes you is NEVER healthy b/c you will become prisoner to it, even if what you're fearing will never be a reality.

Online dating is a perfect example of fear. We all fear being scammed, or not having the chance to throroughly see what kind of person we're dealing with so we get online & are glad that we can see all a person's listed qualities before we even speak to them. We don't give out our number or personal address online to anyone we don't b/c we fear the common-sense realities of it. In other words, having the common sense to stay away from certain behaviors/actions correllates to an extent with fear.

I brought up this topic b/c people are always claiming that fear is hands down & at no matter what level, something that ruins everything. And that's NOT true. Too much of anything can ruin things, but having something in moderation & using it to your BENEFIT or to protect you is NOT a bad thing. It's kind of hard to argue that all fear ruins things when fearing certain things gets the credit for half of the bad decisions you DIDN'T make in your life.

Well, I think you're right that this discussion has everything to do with one's definition of fear and how it affects them.

My definition:

Concern means I am merely aware of a possibility. I would be concerned about something that I know could potentially happen. Concern is awareness, for me. Fear is an actual physical condition. If I fear something, it breeds negative energy inside of me and it does me NO good. None. I want no fear in my life...ever.

Is it present in my life? Yes! And I want it gone completely.

Posted by QuietSt0rm
Then there's the fear that something bad will happen to them. I can't tell you how often I hear sirens or see an accident on the road with a familiar car, and I'll call my friends/family to make sure that they are okay.

That is a fear that CONSUMES me. I do the same thing. I was driving once and found my road home barricaded so I had to go another way. I finally passed the cause of the barricade and I saw my Moms car smashed into a tree.

Plus, I was alone with my Dad when I was 11 years old and he had his first heart attack.

I can almost guarantee you that I've lost years of my life due to worrying about losing my parents.

The one I love is the fear of rejection
your in a pub there is a new bird your mate wants to see if he can chat her up
but he is afraid he will be shot down.

Not I no matter
(let me say this if she is a lot younger like in her 20's or something like that I am not going to chat her up anyway very little in common not the fear of being shot down)
So I will give it a shot. If they shoot me down say things like sorry got a B/F even if its a lie or if they say don't think your what I am looking for. Thats all cool.
If they are nasty about it they will get a bad come back
I'LL very loudly say 20 pounds for a blow job or something like that.
If some Bird says to me I offer tobuy her a drink no thanks that is it I don't push it and I respect her.
So there you are.
Tat with no avatar

I don't grasp the Concern=Fear concept....I would maybe replace it with worry but looesly. There are many things in this life to fear but I personaly wouldn't equate fear with a relationship even SOME of the time...unless I was in an abusive relationship

People always associate fear with something negative. As with anything, too much of something can ruin things. There's nothing wrong with fearing certain things, AS LONG AS you don't allow that fear to consume you.

The same rings true on the contrary. There's nothing wrong with trusting something/someone 100% AS LONG AS you doing so doesn't ruin things or backfire on you.

Fearing some things can def. lead to a positive outcome. Fear may consume you & cause your demise, definitely, BUT fear might also NOT consume you but yet b/c of it's presence, activate your common sense or save you from certain heartaches.

Some of us fear being dumped or rejected. So how do we allow fear to use us to either make/break a situation? We instinctively become better at communication and/or learning what it means to try your best to please another person.

Most of us fear losing a loved one. So how does fear save/help us? We remember to & make a conscious effort to cherish our loved ones while we have them.

It's kind of like the "We learn from our mistakes" theory. Some of us become stronger without having to have failed or bumped our heads 1st, while most of us get our strength from the most UNLIKELY of places or sources. It is when we are finally heart broken or pained that we FINALLY learn our lessons. Perhaps, had everything in life been going so smoothly 24-7, none of us would be half as strong as we are today. It sucks that most of us have to lose/fall down before we become more wise or stronger, BUT that's reality. And I believe that fear kind of correllates with this. Fear itself sucks, BUT it's no secret that fearing certain things has led us to stay away from certain environments, people and/or behaviors that were otherwise harmful. And in those types of situations, how can we really claim that having fear was a BAD thing?

There's always 2 sides to every story...2 sides to every coin...

Yes fear can def. ruin things, consume you emotionally/physically, etc. BUT with the right amount of discpline & with your own emotional remote control, you can allow SOME "levels" of fear to actually help you.

Fear isn't a black/white issue. There's different levels of fear. But then again this comes back to the definition of fear. Fear is only a sword in your back if you allow it to consume you or come in when it's not welcome.

Even the most secure person would hate to experience certain things or be face to face to certain consequences. Any time you avoid something (good or bad) b/c of it's potential/expected consequences, that is called "fear." And to say that fearing certain things is bad is almost the SAME as saying that doing what you've gotta do to avoid certain experiences/situations/people is a bad thing.

We all fear getting stds, so we protect ourselves. In this case, fearing such kept you on your toes & might've saved your life! So in situations like these, it's not true to believe that all fear (no matter what level) ruins things or offers more pain than gaine.

We all fear losing a loved one, therefore that fear constantly reminds us to cherish them while they're still living. In this case, didn't fear help you/a good thing?

Some of us fear being taken advantage of, therefore that fear constantly reminds us to only give certain benefits to those who are deserving. Having your wall/guard up so high that others are damned if they do & damned if they don't is when fear can ruin things. BUT when a person is completely obvlivious to their actions & the consequences certain actions will produce, they ruined things b/c they didn't avoid OR fear something ENOUGH.

I fear being burned, thus that's why I won't put my finger on a hot stove. Yeah yeah I might be crazy for fearing such a thing or anything, but hey atleast my fingers aren't burned!

Other's fear of ending up as a single parent reminds them to use protection and/or pick wisely when choosing a potential parent figure for their children. Those who don't fear having to do the motherhood/fatherhood all by themselves may be all well, BUT usually those who don't end up as single parents when they didn't want to be. Had they feared it enough, perhaps as many children wouldn't be aborted, put up for adoption all b/c the parents made a "mistake," or abandoned.

I fear being overweight, thus this fear reminds me to eat healthy, excersise & keep my body in shape--not for others but for ME. In this case, fear helps, not ruins.

I fear "losing out on a good thing," thus this fear reminds me to always be on my A-game when I'm in a relationship. It reminds me to keep up the communication, keep up the foundation we've built & keep up whatever it was that brought us together in the 1st place. It reminds me not to take for granted those who love me, etc. In this case, fear helps, not ruins. In this case, me fearing such may have saved my relationship!

Simply fearing something (on no matter what level) does NOT guarantee that you won't face or experience certain things. But I think if we all step away from our black/white version of what "fear" means, & really start to really really just think about things, fear isn't such a bad thing after all.

And the concept of "fear" can be applied to many other situations in life too--not just relationships:
1. We fear that our children will be kidnapped or hurt, thus we walk them to the bus stop, remind them not to talk to strangers, etc.

2. We fear that terrorists might commit spiteful acts of terror on on country, therefore boom...the military was born & is enforced. We fear being the victims of a terrorist attack, thus this fear is what hired hundreds & thousands of policemen & military personnel to keep us all protected at night & as a whole.

3. We fear being victims of crime, therefore we invest in alarm systems, we invest in peepholes & we lock our doors when we're not home. Burlars LOOK for the homes that don't have those systems, whereas the home that fear burglary enough isn't usually the one that is targeted---fear helped in this situation more than hurt, didn't it?

The fear concept can even be applied to religion. We fear going to hell/judgement day, thus this fear reminds us to do our best to live our lives the right way & to treat others as we'd want to be treated. Going to hell is a consequence most religious people fear, therefore they allow that fear to consume them ENOUGH so that they do all that they can to AVOID such a consequence. Once again, can fearing certain things (especially the things we OUGHTA stay away from) be such a bad thing?

Fear isn't as black/white as we think.

Yea you need a balance of fear and no fear

Posted by size zero superhero
^undercover Libra?

lol lol

Fear is a warning that something is "off" somewhere.