truecap
@truecap
13 Years10,000+ Posts
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How To Have The Talk
If it's a good relationship, if you connect and genuinely get and appreciate each other, then it will just happen. And you won't even feel that anxiety that comes from not knowing. When a guy likes you and wants to be with you, he??ll make sure you know it!
At the same time, be mindful to not act too much like his girlfriend before you actually are (this is one major mistake I made) and continue being a confident, independent woman who loves her life and doesn't need a relationship to fill some sort of void.
2. Give it some time. I would say wait about two to three months before getting into the title talk. Relationships take time to develop. At first you??re just getting to know each other and seeing how well you work as a unit. The relationship I described was moving at warped speed, but even still, a month isn't all that long.
Don't let other people tell you how your relationship should or shouldn't be. Every relationship is a unique experience and moves at a different rate. However, I??d say three months is a pretty universal expiration date for feeling things out. By that point, you should have an idea of where things are headed.
3. Be clear on what you want before you go in. In my case, I wanted a committed relationship and instead settled for something that made me feel inadequate and kind of pathetic. And because I wasn't fully clear on what I wanted, and what I would and would not settle for, I convinced myself that this non-relationship would suffice.
At the same time, be mindful to not act too much like his girlfriend before you actually are (this is one major mistake I made) and continue being a confident, independent woman who loves her life and doesn't need a relationship to fill some sort of void.
2. Give it some time. I would say wait about two to three months before getting into the title talk. Relationships take time to develop. At first you??re just getting to know each other and seeing how well you work as a unit. The relationship I described was moving at warped speed, but even still, a month isn't all that long.
Don't let other people tell you how your relationship should or shouldn't be. Every relationship is a unique experience and moves at a different rate. However, I??d say three months is a pretty universal expiration date for feeling things out. By that point, you should have an idea of where things are headed.
3. Be clear on what you want before you go in. In my case, I wanted a committed relationship and instead settled for something that made me feel inadequate and kind of pathetic. And because I wasn't fully clear on what I wanted, and what I would and would not settle for, I convinced myself that this non-relationship would suffice.
Before having the talk, or even getting serious with a guy you??re dating, decide what it is you really, truly want. When you recognize and admit what it is you want, you will be better able to move towards it. It is only when you??re confused and unsure that you settle for things you don't want.
The truth is, most of the time you know what you want, you??re just afraid to admit it. Remember, you deserve to have the relationship you want and do not need to settle for the scraps someone else is willing to spare.
If what you want is a monogamous, committed relationship then there's no shame it admitting that! Take a few days or even weeks to get clear on exactly what you want from a relationship. Let this information penetrate your being and embolden you. When you are solid in your convictions you will be able to come from a place of confidence and high self-worth, which ultimately sets the foundation for you to get what it is you want.
4. Don't do it when you??re drunk or in an overly emotional state. I think my story attests to this one pretty well! The fact is, men typically do not respond well when a woman is coming at them from a place of emotion. They are much more logical and pragmatic in how they approach life and problems and are much more receptive when a woman comes to them from a place of strength and reason, as opposed to a crumbling emotional mess.
If you approach him when you??re feeling especially upset or unsettled about the situation, he won't take what you say as seriously. Instead, he might dismiss you as a typical woman being overly emotional (or worse, ask you if you??re PMS-ing).
So if you must have the talk, make sure to do it when you are strong, clear-headed, and know exactly what it is you want. Don't let your emotions consume you; be logical and straightforward. I'm not saying emotions are a bad thing, we??re women and our capacity to feel and express our emotions is also our greatest strength, but it's just important to remember that men aren't wired the same way and in some instances, coming from a place to strong emotion can cause your message to get lost in translation so it's better to speak in a language he is better equipped to understand.
You should also mentally prepare yourself if you don't get the response you want. If he says he doesn't want to be official what will you do? Will you stay and wait it out? Walk away? Spend some time really considering the answers to t
The truth is, most of the time you know what you want, you??re just afraid to admit it. Remember, you deserve to have the relationship you want and do not need to settle for the scraps someone else is willing to spare.
If what you want is a monogamous, committed relationship then there's no shame it admitting that! Take a few days or even weeks to get clear on exactly what you want from a relationship. Let this information penetrate your being and embolden you. When you are solid in your convictions you will be able to come from a place of confidence and high self-worth, which ultimately sets the foundation for you to get what it is you want.
4. Don't do it when you??re drunk or in an overly emotional state. I think my story attests to this one pretty well! The fact is, men typically do not respond well when a woman is coming at them from a place of emotion. They are much more logical and pragmatic in how they approach life and problems and are much more receptive when a woman comes to them from a place of strength and reason, as opposed to a crumbling emotional mess.
If you approach him when you??re feeling especially upset or unsettled about the situation, he won't take what you say as seriously. Instead, he might dismiss you as a typical woman being overly emotional (or worse, ask you if you??re PMS-ing).
So if you must have the talk, make sure to do it when you are strong, clear-headed, and know exactly what it is you want. Don't let your emotions consume you; be logical and straightforward. I'm not saying emotions are a bad thing, we??re women and our capacity to feel and express our emotions is also our greatest strength, but it's just important to remember that men aren't wired the same way and in some instances, coming from a place to strong emotion can cause your message to get lost in translation so it's better to speak in a language he is better equipped to understand.
You should also mentally prepare yourself if you don't get the response you want. If he says he doesn't want to be official what will you do? Will you stay and wait it out? Walk away? Spend some time really considering the answers to t
these questions.
5. Do it casually. Do not open with the dreaded —we need to talk?? line. Nothing sends chills up a guy??s spine faster than those four little words and he might immediately go on the defensive, or just shut down and withdraw.
Instead, just casually say something like, —You know, for the past few months I feel like you??ve been acting like my boyfriend, is that fair to assume— Or ask if you could introduce him to your friends as your boyfriend. When it comes to these things, it's best to just take a casual, light-hearted approach. If he really likes you, he will happily put a label on it. If he's iffy or on the fence, he??ll stall or come up with excuses. Again, just make sure you don't come at him from a needy or desperate place. Be a confident woman who knows she deserves an amazing, fulfilling relationship and isn't afraid to pursue that??_or walk away if a situation isn't what she wants.
Also, this talk can only be had in person. Don't do it via text, G-chat, or even over the phone.
6. Hear him out. So you??ve done everything mentioned above. You approached him in a confident, direct manner and conveyed to him in your own way that you want the relationship to be official. Now it's his turn. Let him speak and express what's on his mind and be open to hearing his point of view, even if it's counter to your own or isn't what you were hoping to hear.
Don't blame or attack him for feeling the way he does, just acknowledge what he's saying and tell him you understand where he's coming from (and try to do this genuinely). If you start arguing or debating the matter it means you??re pushing him farther than he's willing to go in the relationship at this point. And if he starts to feel attacked or blamed, he??ll shut down and will be even less likely to want to make it official.
In my situation, I heard what my guy was saying and his reasoning (basically it was that he had been burned by the girl he dated right before me and needed to go slow), but I didn't take the time to really understand where he was coming from. Instead, I came from a selfish place and let my ego get way too involved. I didn't consider his hurt or his pain, only my own and what it said about me that he didn't want to be my official boyfriend.
I'm not saying you should agree with what your guy??s reasons for not wanting to be official, but it is important to at least try to understand it an
5. Do it casually. Do not open with the dreaded —we need to talk?? line. Nothing sends chills up a guy??s spine faster than those four little words and he might immediately go on the defensive, or just shut down and withdraw.
Instead, just casually say something like, —You know, for the past few months I feel like you??ve been acting like my boyfriend, is that fair to assume— Or ask if you could introduce him to your friends as your boyfriend. When it comes to these things, it's best to just take a casual, light-hearted approach. If he really likes you, he will happily put a label on it. If he's iffy or on the fence, he??ll stall or come up with excuses. Again, just make sure you don't come at him from a needy or desperate place. Be a confident woman who knows she deserves an amazing, fulfilling relationship and isn't afraid to pursue that??_or walk away if a situation isn't what she wants.
Also, this talk can only be had in person. Don't do it via text, G-chat, or even over the phone.
6. Hear him out. So you??ve done everything mentioned above. You approached him in a confident, direct manner and conveyed to him in your own way that you want the relationship to be official. Now it's his turn. Let him speak and express what's on his mind and be open to hearing his point of view, even if it's counter to your own or isn't what you were hoping to hear.
Don't blame or attack him for feeling the way he does, just acknowledge what he's saying and tell him you understand where he's coming from (and try to do this genuinely). If you start arguing or debating the matter it means you??re pushing him farther than he's willing to go in the relationship at this point. And if he starts to feel attacked or blamed, he??ll shut down and will be even less likely to want to make it official.
In my situation, I heard what my guy was saying and his reasoning (basically it was that he had been burned by the girl he dated right before me and needed to go slow), but I didn't take the time to really understand where he was coming from. Instead, I came from a selfish place and let my ego get way too involved. I didn't consider his hurt or his pain, only my own and what it said about me that he didn't want to be my official boyfriend.
I'm not saying you should agree with what your guy??s reasons for not wanting to be official, but it is important to at least try to understand it an
So interesting. Ive never had "the talk" with a guy.
and have an open mind.
—
There you have it, the top tips for having the talk and getting the relationship you want. I know it's scary, but think of it this way, either you??ll get what you want or you won't, which isn't as fun but at least it will free you up for a guy who is on the same page.
—
There you have it, the top tips for having the talk and getting the relationship you want. I know it's scary, but think of it this way, either you??ll get what you want or you won't, which isn't as fun but at least it will free you up for a guy who is on the same page.
Posted by e11ePosted by DMV
So interesting. Ive never had "the talk" with a guy.
I didn't either. Never felt the need to until I arrived at this god forsaken website.click to expand
this website really makes me appreciate cats as companions.
Posted by DMVPosted by e11ePosted by DMV
So interesting. Ive never had "the talk" with a guy.
I didn't either. Never felt the need to until I arrived at this god forsaken website.
this website really makes me appreciate cats as companions.click to expand
Lol!!!
women want to matter
men want to have fun
Of course we'll be paranoid about this stuff!
men want to have fun
Of course we'll be paranoid about this stuff!
Posted by djbuck1
No comment on the article, but I'm smiling. Ah you Cappies. You'd try to sort and grade the rocks in the middle of a volcanic eruption. 🙂
Lol!
I wasn't looking for that topic, just felt like it needed to be on this site.
Posted by Ssupes
It starts off by saying don't have the talk and let the relationship develop naturally. Then it says ways to have the talk.
I thought it meant don't have the talk, but if you just have to have it, then do it like this.
Posted by djbuck1Posted by Ssupes
It starts off by saying don't have the talk and let the relationship develop naturally. Then it says ways to have the talk.
You're missing the point. One of the very sweet Cappie ladies on this site is trying to help us by attempting to impose order on chaos. It's what they do. Hell, it's who they are. Just appreciate them. 🙂click to expand
Appreciation appreciated. 🙂
... just casually say something like,
—You know, for the past few months I feel like you??ve
been acting like my boyfriend, is that fair to assume—
I can appreciate the bringing order to chaos, but I'd be more
inclined to eat tenpenny nails. 😄
—You know, for the past few months I feel like you??ve
been acting like my boyfriend, is that fair to assume—
I can appreciate the bringing order to chaos, but I'd be more
inclined to eat tenpenny nails. 😄
Posted by GENERALIZOD
you hold out until you frustrate them and they talk. tauruswaggerFTW!
I held out longer than my Taurus....
Ha!
In my experience it's gone like this- (in a casual setting).
"Soo... where are we going with all this?"
And he was fine with it. No freaking out, backpedaling, etc.
I think that with something like this, you need to pay attention to your gut and know when an appropriate time is to bring it up. Is it wrong to ask where things are going? No. If you both are going along at a progressive, POSITIVE rate, it's bound to happen because you want to be on the same page. It's not unusual to want to do so.
HOW you bring it up is what matters.
However, if you bring it up because you'd like to know and he backpedals and makes up some retarded reasoning, THAT is an answer in itself, really.
And of course, this is assuming one knows the appropriate time to bring this up as well. A couple dates in might be premature. :/
"Soo... where are we going with all this?"
And he was fine with it. No freaking out, backpedaling, etc.
I think that with something like this, you need to pay attention to your gut and know when an appropriate time is to bring it up. Is it wrong to ask where things are going? No. If you both are going along at a progressive, POSITIVE rate, it's bound to happen because you want to be on the same page. It's not unusual to want to do so.
HOW you bring it up is what matters.
However, if you bring it up because you'd like to know and he backpedals and makes up some retarded reasoning, THAT is an answer in itself, really.
And of course, this is assuming one knows the appropriate time to bring this up as well. A couple dates in might be premature. :/
Pretty much agree with Rocky.
Like a proposal, you probably shouldn't ask unless you're sure of a positive answer/reaction.
The ole foregone conclusion....if you will.
Like a proposal, you probably shouldn't ask unless you're sure of a positive answer/reaction.
The ole foregone conclusion....if you will.
Just be smart about it. Some silly bitches "go with the flow" and end up being a back up chick or fuck buddy and still consider it some sort of dating/a legit relationship.
Posted by CapTenn
Pretty much agree with Rocky.
Like a proposal, you probably shouldn't ask unless you're sure of a positive answer/reaction.
The ole foregone conclusion....if you will.
Now, about that proposal....how do ya get that? lol!!
We never really had the talk it just went like this.
Me: I got asked out, but I turned them down because I don't want to date anyone else.
Him: I got invited to dinner, but I turned her down for the same reason.
Me: Then we're on the same page.
Him: Looks like it.
Simple.
Noticed first his family referred to me as his girlfriend, then he started introducing me as his girlfriend. Never had to discuss labels. They just happened. As it should be.
Me: I got asked out, but I turned them down because I don't want to date anyone else.
Him: I got invited to dinner, but I turned her down for the same reason.
Me: Then we're on the same page.
Him: Looks like it.
Simple.
Noticed first his family referred to me as his girlfriend, then he started introducing me as his girlfriend. Never had to discuss labels. They just happened. As it should be.
Posted by rockyroadicecream
Just be smart about it. Some silly bitches "go with the flow" and end up being a back up chick or fuck buddy and still consider it some sort of dating/a legit relationship.
They don't know how to read things, ignore the red flags and put too much importance on little things like "he hugs me tight after sex, does that must mean he loves me." How does he treat you when you're not having sex? That's what you look for.
Posted by truecapPosted by CapTenn
Pretty much agree with Rocky.
Like a proposal, you probably shouldn't ask unless you're sure of a positive answer/reaction.
The ole foregone conclusion....if you will.
Now, about that proposal....how do ya get that? lol!!click to expand
Beats me?
Start dating a 22 year old? 😉
Water venuses don't need the talk.
We already did it, in our deluded minds.
But really The Talk sounds so..forced and blah.
I think it depends on culture..in my country when you date it is implied you are not dating other people so if you are, you have to verbalize that upfront. Same if you are looking for fwb only. Stringing someone along for fwb or dating other people is frowned upon by everyone if you never told the other person. You won't get by with "I was weighing my other options".
I am curious about the dating experience in the US..but I know I can't focus on more than one person or give my all fully. But I've seen some good arguments for dating several people..as a way to not lose track of yourself at the beginning and plunge all delusional like into one person. I just know for myself I can't do it.
We already did it, in our deluded minds.
But really The Talk sounds so..forced and blah.
I think it depends on culture..in my country when you date it is implied you are not dating other people so if you are, you have to verbalize that upfront. Same if you are looking for fwb only. Stringing someone along for fwb or dating other people is frowned upon by everyone if you never told the other person. You won't get by with "I was weighing my other options".
I am curious about the dating experience in the US..but I know I can't focus on more than one person or give my all fully. But I've seen some good arguments for dating several people..as a way to not lose track of yourself at the beginning and plunge all delusional like into one person. I just know for myself I can't do it.
Posted by CapTennPosted by truecapPosted by CapTenn
Pretty much agree with Rocky.
Like a proposal, you probably shouldn't ask unless you're sure of a positive answer/reaction.
The ole foregone conclusion....if you will.
Now, about that proposal....how do ya get that? lol!!
Beats me?
Start dating a 22 year old? 😉click to expand
Lol!
Posted by KatanaPosted by Ssupes
It starts off by saying don't have the talk and let the relationship develop naturally. Then it says ways to have the talk.
Lol Oh that's just one of the countless things wrong with this article and the many others in existence just like it.
For instance: the classic gender generalizations that only serve to further perpetuate and reinforce prejudices and stereotypes??_
Exhibit A:
"The fact is, men typically do not respond well when a woman is coming at them from a place of emotion. They are much more logical and pragmatic in how they approach life and problems and are much more receptive when a woman comes to them from a place of strength and reason, as opposed to a crumbling emotional mess??_.."
Here's another one:
If you approach him when you??re feeling especially upset or unsettled about the situation, he won't take what you say as seriously. Instead, he might dismiss you as a typical woman being overly emotional (or worse, ask you if you??re PMS-ing)??_.."
And then of course you have this one:
"Don't let your emotions consume you; be logical and straightforward. I'm not saying emotions are a bad thing, we??re women and our capacity to feel and express our emotions is also our greatest strength, but it's just important to remember that men aren't wired the same way and in some instances, coming from a place to strong emotion can cause your message to get lost in translation so it's better to speak in a language he is better equipped to understand??_.."
I mean the list goes on. This whole article is a hugh contradiction following the very first tip on the list.click to expand
The article was addressed to women because it came from a website mainly viewed by women, but it goes both ways.
Posted by KatanaPosted by Ssupes
It starts off by saying don't have the talk and let the relationship develop naturally. Then it says ways to have the talk.
This whole article is a hugh contradiction following the very first tip on the list.click to expand
Again, it says not to, but aknowledges some women insist on it, so if you're going to do it, do it this way.
Posted by Katana
The issue is that precisely, that it indeed does go both ways yet the large majority of (or really the only) articles you'll find on this topic are on websites for women, written mostly by other women who share this perspective and who actually feed into this bullshit.
Why is it that there are countless articles, books and movies claiming to have tips for women on how to "have the talk" or how to "be the woman he wants", "how to keep a man" (etc, etc.)? Yet there are hardly any or probably none at all geared towards and written by men on how to make women happy? Why does it seem like mass media doesn't give a damn about the happiness of women in relationships? That observation alone must bother other women besides me and if it doesn't, that's a real shame. The answer is simple, it's social conditioning but, that's a whole different topic.
Because men don't read or buy this stuff. They don't care. lol!
Posted by truecapPosted by CapTenn
Pretty much agree with Rocky.
Like a proposal, you probably shouldn't ask unless you're sure of a positive answer/reaction.
The ole foregone conclusion....if you will.
Now, about that proposal....how do ya get that? lol!!click to expand
This question makes me sad. How about not focusing on a proposal and focusing on your life? The rest will fall into place if it's meant to be.
Your question sounds embarrassingly desperate and outdated.
Posted by rockyroadicecreamPosted by truecapPosted by CapTenn
Pretty much agree with Rocky.
Like a proposal, you probably shouldn't ask unless you're sure of a positive answer/reaction.
The ole foregone conclusion....if you will.
Now, about that proposal....how do ya get that? lol!!
This question makes me sad. How about not focusing on a proposal and focusing on your life? The rest will fall into place if it's meant to be.
Your question sounds embarrassingly desperate and outdated.click to expand
It was a light hearted joke.
Posted by KatanaPosted by truecap
Because men don't read or buy this stuff. They don't care. lol!
Thinking that men just don't care about relationships or what women want is also in most cases another stereotype/generalization and in others, the result of men being taught/conditioned "not to care" by the mass media and social conditioning once again, which is also part of the point I was making. The article you posted just continues to feed that. Even if that were actually true, ask yourself, why would it not bother women that men supposably don't care what women want in relationships? Should women be the only ones who do? Does that alone not create a huge disparity in the dating world in itself? And most importantly, is any of that actually true to life?
Is it really logical to think that men just don't care what makes women happy? Are they all just robotic, non-emotional machines that are only interested in drinking cold beers and watching sports all day? Lol That's exactly what these articles make men sound like and they make women sound like the desperate and overly emotional sex that just lives for love and romance so, "naturally" they need to be the ones responsible in attaining it. How don't you see the misogynistic overtones in that? And why the hell would any women actually want to build a life with a man who sounds like that?
I don't know if you or every other woman here can relate to or fit that demographic and these experiences but, I most definitely don't and never have. I'm a woman and I wouldn't ever take this article seriously or ever spend my money to pay for a movie or book on this topic, I don't care about it either because it's hogwash. I guess that makes me a man by those standards lolclick to expand
I understand your point of view. But have you not read the threads on here? Women are asking this question over and over on these threads. Women are on here whining about not knowing where they stand in a relationship. Women are asking how to have the talk.
Regardless what you think of social norms and gender roles, they do exist. This article does make some good oints and those women who are asking questions might benefit from it. If it helps one woman, then it was a worthwhile post.
I didn't mean that men didn't care about relationships, but they don't
care to take the time to seek out articles and books on them.
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How to Have —The Talk?? to Define Your Relationship
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
by Sabrina Alexis
Tweet1312 Tweet 1312
The first time I had —the talk?? turned into more of a ridiculous display of exactly what not to do. I was in college and had been seeing this guy for a little over a month and had never felt so strongly for someone else, ever. We spent a ton of time together and I figured we were heading toward being —official?? but it wasn't a pressing matter on my mind, it just lingered in the depths.
That all changed one night when I introduced him to my friends for the first time. The night started out great, we had some drinks and went to a bar with some of his friends. But it all took a turn when me and my friends went to the bathroom to fix our faces and they started getting in my ear about how strange it was that he and I weren't official yet, and what a bad sign that was. In addition to a fresh coat of powder and gloss, I left the bathroom with a giant chip on my shoulder.
Later that night, fueled by tequila and insecurity, I absolutely needed to know the status of our relationship, like right this second. As soon as he and I were alone back at his place, the tsunami brewing in my head all night came rushing forth, catching my guy completely off guard. In the end, I had no title and a severe lacking in dignity (those got washed away by a flood of drunk tears??_the absolute worst kind of tears).
The relationship trudged on for some time, but the dynamic had completely changed. From then on he always felt out of my reach. I wanted to be official and he wasn't ready. The terms of the relationship became entirely his to dictate and I anxiously waited for him to pick me, while I tried to prove that I was good enough and worthy of being his girlfriend.
Okay, so now that you??ve seen an illustration of what not to do, let's get concrete and talk about the right way to have the relationship-defining talk.
1. Try not to have it. That's right, the best way to have the talk is to not! Relationships work best when you can just live in the moment and let things unfold naturally, without pressure or an agenda.
If it's a good relation