I don't understand their relationship

I live in an apartment with three girls. We're all incredibly close, however one of the roommates (whom we love dearly) is in a relationship with a girl we all can't stand. Actually, scratch that. No one can really stand my roommate's girlfriend. It isn't that the girlfriend is an obnoxious bitch who belittles my roommate and what not; but there is literally something about the girlfriend (something none of us can pinpoint) that we just don't like. One of my friends met this girlfriend maybe once or twice and doesn't like the girlfriend either. I can say that the girlfriend is someone who has a fair number of issues: she's incredibly clingy, possibly and alcoholic and a nymphomaniac, she's a serial dater and can never be alone, and she can be a bit uncomfortable at times. The girlfriend also oversteps some personal boundaries sometimes by making uncomfortable comments like "(insert roommate name here), do you want to be my girlfriend?" or "(insert roommate name here), wanna have a threesome?" and things of the like. She'll also come up behind us and wrap her arms around us and sometimes kiss our cheek. While all of this is done jokingly, it can really grind on our nerves. As for our roommate, we rarely get to see her to begin with. She's either in class or some kind of rehearsal/fraternity thing, but this we can understand and deal with. However, if she isn't at these things, she's with her girlfriend; or even worse, her girlfriend is with her, which means she's in our apartment. And this occurs 90% of the time. We even made up a roommate agreement that people can only sleep over 2 nights in our apartment because our roommate's girlfriend was literally staying over nearly every night. There is just a lot of tension when the girlfriend comes over, and the only one who doesn't seem to notice (or is possibly ignoring it) is the roommate. The only thing is we actually deal with the girlfriend because we love our roommate and support her; however, everyone else who knows the roommate do not keep their disdain for the girlfriend so hidden.

I suppose we don't understand how our roommate can be with someone when it's obvious that no one likes the girlfriend. I try (considering I don't hate her or anything), but dealing with this girlfriend all summer and now, I'm just at a point where I'd rather have them break up, which EVERYONE knows will happen at some point. Sorry, but I guess I just needed to vent.

the only thing i can think of doing is just ride it out. you reserve the right to express your concerns to your roomie, and don't even pretend that you have to put up with any bs in your own home, but she also has the right to love and be with who she wants. you may not see it but your roomie obviously sees something in that girl that she likes.

hey, i've been there with my best friend before. i've NEVER liked any of the men he's dated, until now, and they were usually awful for him. he seemed to have a knack for picking guys that had an issue with the closeness between he and i. for one thing, he's a gay guy and i'm female so there's no way we were doing anything sexual. plus, we have known each other, and been through everything together, for 10 years so we have some history. shit, he's like family so the thought is incestuous in my mind! one of his bf's tried to hook up with me (he was actually a closet bi cuz he admitted to having sex with his female friends now and then) and 2 of them were so jealous of our bond that they became catty, vindictive bitches to me behind his back. one went as far as to text me a "joke" that hinted at my bestie being his man and not mine. i forget how the joke goes but the general message was,"ha ha! he's mine bitch!" weirdo! 2 days later they broke up.

in my experience it's nearly impossible to persuade someone out of giving up the people they're infatuated/in love with. i voiced my concerns to my best friend every time but in the end i had to sit back and let the relationship end naturally.

Oh, I understand that my roommate truly cares about this girl. She cares a lot about people in general; I would never do anything to break them up. I just want to see her happy, which she has been for the most part. Unfortunately, it's just a situation where none of us are particularly happy with her significant other.

My roommate in this situation isn't what you would call gay. Her girlfriend has been more like her exception; they both found each other at a time of need, and the girlfriend broke up with her previous boyfriend (I think it was a boyfriend - the girlfriend is bisexual but leans more towards girls) a week before they got together. From what we all know of the girlfriend's history, she is notorious for always being in a relationship, breaking up, then finding a new one. So, we're all waiting to see if the same thing happens at some point (unfortunately, we all fear this will be the outcome), and at the moment, we're all willing to tell the girlfriend to get out.

It's almost unfortunate because there is a part of me that feels sympathy for the girlfriend because no one really likes her and she doesn't make great first impressions at all. We almost wish that the reason we DIDN'T like her was for some shallow reason or something.

Well the LAST/WORST thing you should do is ever make your friend (b/c she's your friend FIRST before she's your roomate or anything else), think/feel that the friendship will change all b/c she doesn't do things your way or go about things in the way that you/her other roomates would.

I'm not saying this is what you're doing, BUT trust me, she HAS noticed that you all don't really like her-she's just choosing not to address it b/c it's probably very obvious that you all stand FIRM in your beliefs, thus if she wanted to defend her girlfriend, it would probably be pointless anyways. She's probably choosing to stay silent for this reason; but trust me, oh SHE'S noticed. Friends that are close enough to live together know how eachother thinks & perceives things; she's just pretending to turn a blind eye b/c she may not want to deal with any criticism from anyone right now.

I hate this part in friendships man-the part where you just want to yank your friend up, stick them in a room & SLAP some COMMON SENSE back into them! But hey, what can you really do? We all know from our own personal experiences that trying to encourage 2 people to break apart BEFORE THEY'RE READY only further draws them together.

And if she's heard criticism already & yet has NOT decided to end the relationship, there's a chance she'd be extremely on the DEFENSIVE even if you guys approached her about this in the most best/nicest way. And you already know how it is when someone is defensive; they'll take that time to make you guys feel bad as friends moreso than actually taking in the points you guys are trying to make. And Lord forbid she actually TELL her girlfriend about yall's concerns; that'll just give her girlfriend ammunition to isolate her OR rally against you guys, even though you all obviously have your friend's BEST interest at hand.

Unfortunately, you guys are just going to have to let her learn her lesson. We all know what that's like when people try to force us or make us feel that they don't support our decisions; it never helps. We all just have to go through it, be hard-headed & fall on our faces before we finally get the point of what others were saying the whole time. It sucks for you guys b/c you obviously care about your friend & want her with someone more deserving, BUT hey, it is what it is.

Just have FAITH that your friend will eventually incorporate some logic & realize things. If she doesn't, the friendships shouldn't end BUT perhaps some n

...Cont....Just have FAITH that your friend will eventually incorporate some logic & realize things. If she doesn't, the friendships shouldn't end BUT perhaps some NEW ROOMATE CHANGES might need to be considered.

Even though you shouldn't punish your friend all b/c she's making a bad relationship decision, you guys DO have a just cause to speak up OR atleast try to take some action since her girlfriend IS affecting you guys. If your friend lived on her own & was having these problems with her girlfriend somewhere far away from you guys, I'd advise you to just mind your business & let your friend learn the hard way.

BUT, things are different b/c you actually all live together & have to be exposed to something that makes you all cringe. And that's NOT fair to you guys either no different than your friend's girlfriend being undeserving is fair to your friend. You guys should NOT have to agree to/accept living in an uncomfortable situation. Yes, it'd be a risky thing to confront your friend about this, BUT do NOT wait until things blow up either.

If this situation is genuinely causing turmoil & discord, this is where the TRUE measure/value of the friendship will be known. On 1 hand, if you all are really her friends, you won't guilt her into doing what you guys want her to do vs. what she really want to do. BUT on the other hand, if SHE was really your friend, she would NOT ask you to OR expect for you guys to remain unsatisfied/unhappy all b/c of a situation you guys don't even have control over (b/c that's the worst part).

Maybe there needs to be a new rule stating that NO one can spend the night anymore. OR maybe you guys can all find a way to confront/approach your friend with these issues & try to maturely get these issues out on the table. Expect that b/c you guys don't necessarily have any 1 thing to PIN POINT about her girlfriend, that your friend will probably use that to her advantage, persay she actually doesn't take the "talk" very well. But oh well, this isn't all just about her. It's about YOU guys too. And I'm sure that if the tables were turned, she'd want some understanding from you too

And if you guys are going to approach her, don't necessarily expect for her to agree with you OR see things in the way you all do. She's probably going to play dumb or look at you all like you're crazy! But hey, she's human & that's what MOST people do when they're confronted with something they're not yet ready to face; so don't take it personal if she responds/reacts to the "talk" completely the opposite of how you guys wanted her to.

Maybe the BEST approach is to focus more on any actions needing to happen b/c of the discomfort in the house vs./moreso than sending her the signal that you guys don't approve of her relationship. And I say that b/c they are 2 completely DIFFERENT things.

If you approach her (b/c real friends should always be able to keep it real with 1 another, even in the most uncomfortable of situations), the conversation should be geared more towards getting the problem AT LEAST out of your house. She can't really argue with you all if you ALL agree that her staying around is causing alot of discomfort. And if she DOES disagree or refuses to see it from you all's point of view, then like I said, maybe it's time that your friend MOVE & deal with all of those issues all by herself; she'd be completely SELFISH to expect for you guys to deal with something you 1. Can't control & 2. Wouldn't expect her to suppress/deal with persay the tables were turned.

BUT if you approach her with the focus mainly being on the fact that you guys don't agree with her relationship, it'll only drive her to the defensive end. Plus, you guys should want her to END the relationship b/c SHE finally realized she was with the wrong person, & not only b/c OTHERS (outsiders) made all the decisions. The 2 people in the relationship should be the ONLY people who have control over the relationship. Plus, if you approach her from this angle (the WRONG angle), there's a chance she might communicate your discussion with her girlfriend, who will most LIKELY do anything she can to make the situation worse. And I'm assuming "WORSE" is the LAST thing you guys want.

So hey, if she wants to be with this girl, that's fine. BUT they can take their relationship & the drama it brings ELSEWHERE! It'll still suck that your friend is with her, BUT at least her girlfriend not being allowed to come around anymore will solve the problem of her always affecting you guys & the living environment. As for her being with that girl, you guys are just going to have to suck that up!

Krysrenee, you really do always know what to say.

As you said, we're certainly sucking it up. I mentioned that our apartment is actually the most accepting of the girlfriend compared to everyone else. We only do so because we love our roommate. And even if our roommate has noticed, she has been very genial about it. When we're all together, we're so very close. I think our way of dealing with the situation is setting the boundaries, like saying we will only allow a person to spend the night 2 nights a week. With the boundaries, it's easier to deal with the girlfriend, and our dislike towards her actually wanes so that we can actually speak to her.

I think this situation, besides what we mentioned, was that it was a personal space issue. Also, we just miss our roommate too. We barely get to see her already, so for once, we'd like to be with her alone. I've been suggesting a trip to NY for all of us, and without the girlfriend, just for some much neeeded bonding time.

Posted by Candeh15

I think this situation, besides what we mentioned, was that it was a personal space issue. Also, we just miss our roommate too. We barely get to see her already, so for once, we'd like to be with her alone. I've been suggesting a trip to NY for all of us, and without the girlfriend, just for some much neeeded bonding time.

Thanks chica =)

I figured that some of the issue had to deal moreso with the fact that you guys miss your old best friend. Sounds like you all liked who your friend was better BEFORE she entered into the relationship she's in now vs. the person she's blossoming into now. And hey, that really sucks b/c on 1 hand, friends are supposed to be there to prevent (as best as possible) another friend from anything/anyone negative, BUT on the other hand, there's always the issue of respecting another's decision/life style even if you don't agree with it (in other words, there's always the issue of her friends needing to mind their own business).

I've been in your situation before. Almost down to the tee! The minute we tried to gear the conversation more towards telling our friend how much we've missed her ALONE, she of course took it the wrong way. She took it as our way to be passive/aggressive in admitting we really just didn't like her girlfriend. With that being said, she thought we were just being possessive/territorial & petty. It only made her more rebellious. BUT like I said, this is how people get when they're not yet ready to face a situation, even if they know it's really bothering others. It's almost their way of finding a reason NOT to feel as guilty/bad OR accept that their decision to be with a certain person has negatively affected others.

Sad thing is, you guys making that rule about people only spending the night twice probably went right over her head. She may not have even realized that was you all's way of HINTING that her girlfriend was a problem. And if that's the case, you guys should probably just come right out & say it w/o sugar coating things OR wording things in a way that'd give her a way out/escape (b/c trust me, she WILL try to find 1 to protect her feelings/girlfriend)...

If she feels that you guys are hinting at/sugar-coating things, she's going to naturally assume that you've all been talking behind her back. Once again, her thinking that is just yet ANOTHER way she could FLIP THE script on you

What do you think you guys will decide to do next? Come right out & tell her? Continue to keep quiet in hopes that/assuming the relationship won't last that much longer anyways? Or wait until (even though I'm assuming you guys hope this WON'T happen) the final blow up happens?

In this situation I'm seeing more through your flatmates eyes...My scales are tipping but that's probably because I have seen a similar situation with a friend of friends...

She has chosen someone for whatever reason that makes her feel good and rather than being someone that she would normally go with it is a gay relationship...there will definetly be backlash from this so she has prepared herself for it. What she is picking up from you is just to do with this rather than any real thoughts and opinions about the other partner being no good. It was expected! To come out is an extremely hard thing to do and you Candeh have already made lite of it by not placing any value of this relationship because it's not her "norm" choice.

I understand friendships and yes we miss our friends when they are in new realtionships but that's a part of it as friends, as with parents...you have to learn to let go...even when they are making a mistake. You cant force your opinion on people. You can have a talk and if nothing comes from that then allow that person to take their path, because they will do it anyway and a true friend will be there to help when they can, but also to pick up the pieces when they fall, and most people fall because they have to do things their way!

Posted by sweethearts
In this situation I'm seeing more through your flatmates eyes...My scales are tipping but that's probably because I have seen a similar situation with a friend of friends...

She has chosen someone for whatever reason that makes her feel good and rather than being someone that she would normally go with it is a gay relationship...there will definetly be backlash from this so she has prepared herself for it. What she is picking up from you is just to do with this rather than any real thoughts and opinions about the other partner being no good. It was expected! To come out is an extremely hard thing to do and you Candeh have already made lite of it by not placing any value of this relationship because it's not her "norm" choice.

Oh, I hope it didn't seem like it was the issue about her being in a lesbian relationship. I actually never found this an issue. She could date any girl she wanted and I wouldn't even bat an eyelash (I was actually one of the first few to realize when they were together when she didn't want to tell anyone, and when she told me, I told her that I already knew and that I didn't care). It's the girlfriend as a person that bothers us. We put up with the girlfriend because our roommate is happy. If it was a guy, we'd still feel the same way. And our roommate had come out with the relationship a while ago, so none of this is new to us, it's just the girlfriend over time became increasingly difficult to deal with.

A lot of things like, the girlfriend leaving her food in our fridge and then getting upset with us when it was gone a week or two later when we told her that it was our fridge and after a certain period of time, the food is fair game. Also, a situation where one of the other roommates who sleeps in the same room as the roommate with teh girlfriend felt very uncomfortable because they initiated sex while the other roommate was still awake and without her knowledge. Also, the girlfriend often comes into our apartment drunk (and is often uncomfortable to be around when she is) and used to keep our roommate out at all times of the night when she had class in the morning and barely slept (although, it was the roommate's decision, we still didn't like it).

Krysrenee, it is kind of like what you said. We often talk amongst ourselves saying that when our roommate is with her girlfriend, she like almost ostracizes herself fr

^ It more than likely is my own selfishness. I used this to vent, only because at the moment, the girlfriend did something that upset me and the other roommates again. Whether I'm unhappy or everyone is unhappy, I wouldn't take the girlfriend away from my roommate even if things are starting to get ridiculous. You can tell this to me, and I'll accept that I'm probably in the wrong, but compared to others I've mentioned in this situation, I've been fair. I said that we've set some boundaries to make things work for all of us, and in the end, hopefully we'll all be happy campers and friends.

Selfishness or not, we all live under one roof. I don't want to be given the task of overseeing the girlfriend when she's drunk and making sure she gets up in the morning (which has happened a few times) when my roommate has to run off. She isn't my girlfriend. When a relationship does start to intervene into our personal lives and under our own roof, I think we do have a right to voice our opinions and try to make something work. And luckily, I think it is. We're human beings and we're going to be selfish, but it'd be truly selfish if we told the roommate that she could not see her girlfriend anymore. Instead, we swallow whatever disagreements we have that are petty and work with it.

Like Krysrenee said, if this more often occurred somewhere outside of our apartment, I wouldn't be bothered. When they are together doing their own thing, it's alright. We're all fairly private people and we all handle our own. But when it's brought into our apartment the majority of the time, including the drama associated, it's not going to be peachy all the time. How do you suppose we react?

Posted by sweethearts

I understand friendships and yes we miss our friends when they are in new realtionships but that's a part of it as friends, as with parents...you have to learn to let go...even when they are making a mistake. You cant force your opinion on people. You can have a talk and if nothing comes from that then allow that person to take their path, because they will do it anyway and a true friend will be there to help when they can, but also to pick up the pieces when they fall, and most people fall because they have to do things their way!

It just comes down to this and if you dont openly speak to her about how you all feel she will never confront it. Perhaps she needs to look for other accomodation which is more suitable for her circumstance.

But be careful how you approach her as it will come off as an attack...even if you feel you have her best interests at heart.

Contrary to what Sweethearts said, I didn't get the feel at all that her girlfriend being well, a GIRL bothered you. I felt like you were more bothered by the TYPE of person her girlfriend was moreso than sexuality being an issue. I'm assuming that had you had an issue with her being bi-sexual or lesbian, you would've mentioned that several times but you didn't. Most of what you've talked about had to do with her girlfriend's actual CHARACTER.

Cand: I think you're doing the right thing. Although we should all know our boundaries and/or when to "let go" as Sweethearts said, there's not anything wrong with acknowledging when a good friend is making a bad decision; acknowledging/recognizing an issue isn't the problem. It's how you RESPOND or REACT to any given situation that can make/break a friendship. So don't feel bad for noticing that your friend seems to be locked into a "bad" relationship & ESPECIALLY b/c you're not the only 1 noticing it.

I agree that a part of the issue is probably just selfishness on your part but hey, that's how female friendships are. We like for our friends & even partners to remain the SAME way throughout the friendship & continue to be like who they were when the friendship 1st started. Sometimes there's nothing wrong with stepping UP & stepping IN when you notice a friend starting to change for the WORST. That's what friends are for. And like you said, b/c she's changing in ways that are rubbing OTHERS the wrong way, while ALSO engaging in behaviors that are destructive to them BOTH, it's no wonder you're starting to become more vocal about things.

Sometimes deciding to approach a friend is NOT all about ONLY approaching them IF they will listen/do what you say. Friends should "keep it real" with 1 another whether they believe the other person will take it the right way or not.

If you guys decide to confront her, be 100% upfront & say it like it is. No sugar-coating b/c then she'll just assume that you not appearing to stand FIRM in your opinions about this must mean that you have no real basis for your argument--and to someone who is NOT ready to face the truth, this will be their ultimate ESCAPE & is often why things end up backfiring.

However, if you guys decide NOT to say anything & to just let the situation drag out, then be content in that decision. Don't go talking about her or pretending like you can handle it in her face, but yet flipping out behind her back. Regardless, be consistent

Sometimes it's NOT all about only telling someone how you feel b/c you're EXPECTING something afterwards. As Sweethearts & I said, there's a 99% chance that no matter HOW nice/direct/or mushy you are that she'll become defensive & convince herself that you guys have it out for her. That's normally what people in bad relationships do/say when they've being confronted before they're ready.

Sometimes it's about just getting things off your chest JUST FOR THE SAKE of feeling better that you did. If you guys only tell her b/c you're expecting for her to change things or do as you guys say, you guys are setting yourselves up for disappointment.

BUT as mama always said, "Once you tell someone how they feel, it's up to THEM as to how they take it. And if the friendship was real & if that person EVER comes from the darkness, you can only HOPE they'll eventually realize later on that you had their BEST interest at heart. Problem is, some people realize that later than others." And I really believe this to be true. Sometimes it's best to get something off your chest even if that means offending another person; and as long as your intentions are NOT to offend the other person, you can't really get down on yourself for "keeping it real." Sure, alot of people tend to get the MOST upset with those who keep it real, BUT 1 thing I learned is that it's BEST to have more "keepin' it real" friends vs. the 1's who never muster up the courage to say something to your face but YET always have something to say behind closed doors

Getting it off your chest might piss her off, BUT hey, so might surpressing the issues & waiting until they finally blow up in everybody's faces! And I'm almost 100% sure you guys would ALL prefer for things, if possible at all, to get squashed or AT LEAST talked about/discussed before a blow up happens b/c trust me it will.

And once again, that doesn't mean that she'll change or automatically understand where you guys are coming from. BUT, atleast you'll all know that you kept it real with her. And even if she gets upset, TRUST ME, everything you guys say will always be in the back of her head. And ESPECIALLY if you make it known that through it all you'll all STILL support her

@ Kry,

In this situation I'm seeing more through your flatmates eyes...My scales are tipping but that's probably because I have seen a similar situation with a friend of friends...

As I have stated, I'm seeing through her eyes...when a person changes sides they have their own demons that they have to deal with. And they expect to come up against certain problems it wasnt intended that it was because Candeh felt this way but more that her friend may feel that it was because of this!

Remove yourself from being involved .. that's how you should handle yourself.

and by involvement .. this includes this conversation right here, you are involving yourself in someone elses shit, and by this very concern you think is yours, you make yourself have stronger feelings for .. so you can continue to have to be in grievance over.


When she comes over, get up and go outside, go sit in your room and read a book.

Carry on with your life without having a need to bitch about hers ... just because this person is in your apartment doesn't give you a right to think everyones personal life is your business. You all share this place, and her life choices don't come under your dictatorship simply because you live there.


Seriously .. this whole issue is in your head to bitch about because you want it there. It doesn't have to be there .. you could choose to watch television instead of cry about your feelings.

@Sweet: Oh I completely agree. There are probably 100 things her friend can take the WRONG way if Candi & the rest of her roomates confront her. And this girl assuming that her bi-sexual/lesbian relationship is the main problem is just ONE of the things she can wrongfully assume.

I thought that you were insinuating that after all Candie has said, that Candei seems to be more bothered by her roomate's bisexual/lesbian relationship moreso than anything else. That's why I stepped in to say that I actually got vibes from this post that Candei was more concerned with the girlfriend's character/decision-making moreso than sexuality being an issue.

No I was purely thinking about how this girl would be feeling about her own sexuality...it's a huge leap to take and she would already have pre-conceived ideas on the obstacles she will come up against. And of course be defensive even if they think she knows that are ok with it.

As I had said I've seen a young girl change over and how everyone around her acted and how long it took for her to let it be known completely until she was confortable with her relationship. She is a friend of a friend so I was looking in and there was a lot of back talking, not necessarily vindictive but more specualtion on whether it was a good or bad thing.

Thanks everyone for your input. I realize that even though my venting, that whether we can control the situation or not, it's all their business what they do. And I assure you, my roommates and I do are best to keep to ourselves and we talk amongst ourselves how it's best to handle this situation. We don't actively butt into their relationship; in fact, we star as far as we can considering the relationship is always brought to our apartment. The only issue we really tend to deal with is that the boundaries are somewhat crossed when the girlfriend makes suggestive comments towards us and will come up and touch us as if we were our roommate, her girlfriend. Whether it is jokingly or not, we aren't her girlfriend, and she has to learn to respect her boundaries. On more than one occasion, the girlfriend came up to us, wrapped her arms around us, and kissed us on the neck. Now, the gesture itself doesn't bother me at all. It's that it's unwanted at the moment and without my knowledge.

We've also come to notice, and while we aren't trying to jump to conclusions, we feel that the girlfriend might be manipulating the situation of "you can only stay two nights in the week." And the way we think this is is that the girlfriend is purposefully (or even unintentionally, which would still be bad) getting more drunk than she should be when she goes out at night or with our roommate, which would allows her to stay over more than the 2 nights we stated in our agreement. She also leaves our apartment very late at night, like 2 or 3 in the morning, and she'll sometimes tell her girlfriend that it is too late to return home so staying would be a better option. Regardless, we're not going to let the girlfriend drive home drunk for her and others safety, so it comes down to letting her stay regardless.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but we share rooms - 2 people to a room. If we each had our own room, this wouldn't be as big of an issue. But since that isn't the case, and this is more of a problem with my other roommate, privacy and boundaries are starting to become disregarded.

Either way, we're all trying to work this out so that no one gets hurt in the end, but if it comes down to it, we're going to sit the girlfriend down and remind her that she can only stay over 2 nights a week when it comes to sleeping over. I mean, she's over all day already.

Understandable. Not only is a PROBLEM for her to stay over more than 2 nights a week (since she is obligated to follow the rules set by the people PAYING for the apartment), BUT it's ALSO a problem that she puts the responsibility onto YOU Guys to babysit her when she's drunk. That's never "fun" for anyone!

Based on what you've shared, I'm sure the girlfriend probably IS trying to find ways to manipulate the rules BUT the good thing about that is that when the girlfriend HERSELF violates the rules, you guys have the right to go to/confront her PERSONALLY. After all, you having to pick her drunk azs up from the floor at 3am has NOTHING to do with your roommate OR the relationship you guys disapprove of. You guys telling her girlfriend that you don't appreciate the "Extra work" every week is simply a matter or RESPECT & CONSIDERATION for others. That should be 1 conversation NO ONE should have the NERVE to question/challenge.

It's a good thing that you guys are not taking this situation TOO personal or OVER-DOING it when it comes to responding/reacting to the things they're both doing that bother you guys BUT also remember to make sure that you guys aren't going over-board/trying to hard to keep quiet OR suppress certain things either. It's 1 thing to keep quiet b/c there's a time & a place for everything, BUT the LAST thing you guys want to do either is make your roomate & her girlfriend (especially) take your silence/kindness for weakness;

b/c if her girlfriend notices your silence even after becoming frustrated with her, she'll take that to her advantage & the more she takes that to her advantage, the further she's going to drive you all crazy. So if keeping quiet about things will only make the situation WORSE for everyone involved, although uncomfortable, it'd be best to do what you've gotta do to make sure things don't get to a boiling point. It's easier said than done, but hey sometimes SILENCE is more destructive in the long-run than speaking up is

Okay, I feel liek there are a few things I should clarify that I forgot about:

1. We don't live in a type of apartment where you pay rent every month. We do live in a apartment, but it's part of the campus of the university we all go to. The payment for living in the apartment is part of our tuition, but that is still payment we have made to live there. The girlfriend doesn't live on campus (she lives 30 mins away, but she is a grad student at the university). However, my roommates and I have said if it comes down to it, we'll like tell her to pay us if she wants to stick around so often.

None of us actually hate the girlfriend, but she isn't our favorite person in the world. We aren't jumping in our seats when she's over, but if she sits with us, we'll have a conversation with her.

There is definitely a tension in the apartment every time our roommate walks in with her girlfriend. It's not like we are completely silent, but it's obvious we aren't extremely excited to see the girlfriend.

Another reason why we talk about the relationship is because our roommate, who we all love, is unconciously alienating herself from a lot of people. No one cares for the girlfriend really. The roommate's music friends aren't too keen on hanging out with her because it would mean hanging out with the girlfriend as well. Whenever the roommate walks in with her girlfriend, it's like they go off and lock themselves into teh room. The only time we really see our roommate is when she walks out with her girlfriend or comes out to cook something. We all agree that we justs want to hang out with roommate, JUST HER, once in a while without the girlfriend there, because she is ALWAYS over. And if she isn't, the roommate is either texting or on the phone with her.

There are definitely some co-dependency issues going on, but I feel they are more brought on by the girlfriend since she is clingy (she also is on antidepressants, and the other day she was withdrawing and stuck around our apartment for a few days because she didn't want to be alone). Our roommate was always an autonomous person and capable, but we feel like she does almost too much for her girlfriend, to the point where she is losing herself. Everything she does now she seems to share with her girlfriend, and there literally isn't a day that they don't go seeing each other.

Hahahaha. I'm actually someone who likes my space too, but I enjoy my roommates. In fact, I love them. I've known them for a couple of years now. The roommate with the girlfriend is actually a bubbly virgo and enjoys being around people when she is in the mood. But with her girlfriend, she just kind of goes off and sticks with her but still comes out to say things to us and what not. I mean, I can understand that, because when I brought guys over, I'd say some things to my roommate and go into my room with the guy and hang out.

The difference between us and her though is that we're the kind of people who really don't need our SO's around all the time (none of us have SOs right now besides the roommate, but you get the point lol). We don't really have people sleep over often either either. So it's a little harder for us to understand why the girlfriend has to be around every day, and it's started to feel like an invasion of our space.

Candi...honey, you shouldn't have to explain yourself/break it down any further. Hell even if a pimp was paying for the apartment, it is still YOUR house that YOU occupy. Regardless of who'se paying for what (or lack thereof), YOU have to live there & establish being comfortable, NOT the girlfriend. So whether you paid monthly rent or not really doesn't even make a difference b/c all that matters is that ONCE you become a resident someone (regardless of whose actually sending the rent money in), you are ENTITLTED to certain things & respect, comfort & peace are just a few to name that are NON-NEGOTIABLE.

2nd of all, I don't get that you "hate" her girlfriend either. It is what it is, you just don't mesh with the damn girl. There's nothing wrong with not liking someone especially if your reasons are VALID & involve you feeling violated. Just b/c this girl is someone else's friend & girlfriend doesn't give that girl the right to come into YOUR living quarters & cause unnecessary drama & trouble. Since YOU live there, it'd be a tacky thing for ANYONE to insinuate that your concerns are merely a result of you being in "her business." That's bull! She made her behavior/character/actions & personality YOUR business the minute she brought it all into YOUR house! There's NO such a thing as being in someone's business when they automatically bring it to you anyways!

Yes, a "friend" should always know her place & know when to step down & not intervene, BUT what you & your other roomates are doing is what ALL friends will eventually do for eachother. It's not about "disapproving" of or "hating" on someone else. When you're friends with someone & when you know their WORTH, their potential & their past, it's only NATURAL for you guys to feel a certain way when it becomes noticable that her life is starting to spiral out of control.

It'd be no diff. than if you had a friend whom you know was being physically abused by her partner or fam. Technically YOU aren't the 1 being hit so some would even go as far as to say that you shouldn't tell or say anything b/c it's not your place, BUT I'd actually be MORE skeptical if you saw someone you loved making horrible decisions (that NOT only affect them but YOU AND others) & yet not feel a certain way.

You acknowledging that your friend has changed in a bad way since she's been in that relationship indicates that you know how to back off sometimes, instead of making it all about you. Hell even if her girlfriend never came over again, yeah you'd feel a sense of relief & wouldn't have to personally deal with the girlfriend, BUT I'm sure you'd STILL feel a certain way about your friend (someone you CARE for) being in a situation that is not enhancing her/her life.

It's no diff. than a parent who grows concerned b/c their child's grades are starting to slip/drop b/c of their child's new group of friends. It'd be no diff. than if a friend noticed another friend starting to walk around with black eyes only after she got into a relationship with someone. It'd be no diff. than a teacher being worried about 1 of their students who is all of the sudden starting to regress in progress. POINT IS: you can't help what you notice (especially if the things you are noticing are being thrown in your FACE). And you damn sure can't help how certain things (especially NEGATIVE things) will affect you.

You're not a bad/wrong person for having some concerns about the nature of the relationship your good friend is in. Hell, if she noticed that you started spiraling downhill, you'd want her notice & perhaps even tell you eventually too. Now granted, even though you can't control your friend or her girlfriend NOR can you make this about "you" by trying to punish/guilt her into doing things the way YOU would, that STILL doesn't mean that you don't have the right to be concerned.

You're not the only person on this earth who has a pet peeve for loud & obnoxious people in THEIR houses late at night. And I agree with the person who stated that you shouldn't have to adapt to a guest/intruder in your OWN home; it should be the other way around.

And since this situation is likely to get worse, it's especially important that you keep it real about what the REAL issues are (instead of getting side tracked) so that JUST IN CASE a big blow up happens, you'll be able to tell it like it is & have a FIRM/strong tone behind your words

There's a time & a place for everything. Some times/situations in life, it's best to keep quiet while other times require someone speaking up, if anything just for the principle alone.

That's why I advised you that if you ARE going to eventually say something to your friend or her girlfriend, that you focus LESS on what you don't like about their relationship/influence over 1 another & focus MORE on how she's PERSONALLY affecting you. Once you mention how she's personally affection you (& not to mention, OTHERS TOO), no one else can any longer throw the infamous "Mind your business" line at you.

And if her girlfriend sexually harrasses you again then tell her girlfriend how you feel. With certain things, you can actually do MORE HARM than good by keeping quiet, & ESPECIALLY when it comes to things like unwanted sexual advances. I'm not saying you should slap her girlfriend in the face & get crazy, BUT when it comes to certain things, the ONLY way you can ensure respect IS by making it known that you are NOT ok with certain things.

And since her girlfriend can't read your mind, she's only going to assume that you don't mind her advances, thus you keeping silent about it is only going to 1. Send her the signal that it doesn't bother you & 2. Make it worse for when her girlfriend FINALLY does strike the wrong nerve 1 day.

You know how it is; if you got the impression that someone was okay with you calling them 5 times a day, you'd be a little shocked & probably angry if that person ALL OF THE SUDDEN exploded on you & started voicing that you calling bothered them. I'm sure your 1st instinct would be to ask that person WHY they DIDN'T say anything to you the 1st or 2nd time!

I'm all for encouraging people to pick their battles BUT I'm also all for encouraging people NOT to wrongfully assume that suppressing an issue will eventually make the issue magically "Float away" over time. Even if she dumps her girlfriend, there could very well easily be ANOTHER person invited into your home that could do some of the SAME UNNACCEPTABLE things! And I'm sure you'd STILL hate unwanted sexual advances from ANYONE vs. only making it personal b/c it's your roomate's girlfriend