Involving your children in your relationship...

At what stage of the relationship do you bring your significant other around your children ?

I am struggling with this question now. I am extremely protective over my daughter and don't let any man around her until I know that he is sane and not some freaking pedophile. Even when I meet a guy I barely talk about my daughter. Just on a need to know basis.

The guy I am seeing now seems ok, but still watching him from a distance because if he is sick fuck I will sit in jail.

I see no reason why a guy can't be introduced to the kids right away.

Certainly, there are male adults in thier lives ... family members and friends.

If you are fucking the guy, then you must trust him and are serious enough about him to open your legs. So, why can't he meet the kids? Doesn't mean you have to grab his dick and say ... he's my man, kids, MINE.

Why can't he be a friend? They don't have to know you're fucking him, they don't have to be present when you cuddle on the couch.


If you are fucking a man, but don't trust him enough to meet your kids ... then you're the one fucked up and you should be the one they need to not be exposed to.

When you think there is a relationship happening rather than just casual dating.

If you are still questioning this mans integrity then you don't know him well enough yourself so I wouldn't introduce him to my kids.

If I ever was involved with anyone, I wouldnt involve my kids in that relationship til the kids have grown up and got lives themselves then I will involve them. Its safer that way. Men are fuckwits and theres no way i would ever let my kids know anyone except their father (whos the best mum and dad in the world to them). So for me I forego the relationship shit and let my family be a family til they have grown and have minds of there own. Theres noone from my part or life who I would want to know my kids except myex.

I wouldnt trust anyone around my kids except myex thats why I had kids with him. To me I have no reason to introduce my kids to any person. I wouldnt welcome anyone into their lives and disrupt them. They have lives of their own and for me to just think I can waltz in and welcome 'anyone' into their lives is incomprehensible to me and I will never do it. My kids come first before anyone else and thats that. Yeh see thats how much kids change your life. I never wanted them and then as soon as you have them your whole life changes from being totally selfish to realising that there isnt just me in the world but two kids who actually need you. I wont be introducing anyone to my kids lives at all. Noone is good enough except myex. As for the comment all guys are fuckwits well I take that back, most ppl are fuckwits I have yet to meet decent guys and gals that are honest, reliable and trustworthy like myex and his family and some other ppl. I am not in the position of meeting ppl or making friends with just anyone. I want to be alone and by myself to sort myself out then maybe later I will meet ppl and make friends. Prefer my own company to that of others. I am not for this world.

The other day I saw my friends?? husband who doesn't live with her checking out her daughter in a not so step-dad way. The get married and don't live together is the way they choose to live their life, but that just sets me off. I usually don't get into married people affairs but I did put it in her face. I am thinking, damn, how can she not know, smh. 😢

Posted by Capriquoise

I wouldnt trust anyone around my kids except myex thats why I had kids with him. To me I have no reason to introduce my kids to any person. I wouldnt welcome anyone into their lives and disrupt them. They have lives of their own and for me to just think I can waltz in and welcome 'anyone' into their lives is incomprehensible to me and I will never do it.

Wouldn't it be funny as hell if their dad was the one not to be trusted, and he was the one you shouldn't let under the rock with yourself and them ?

Posted by Capriquoise

... and welcome 'anyone' into their lives ....

btw .. this topic isn't about 'anyone', it's about a specific special someone to whom you've already determined is trustworthy and honorable .. that's why it's someone you've already determined was good enough for yourself.


Unless of course, the reason why you would say 'anyone' is because you fuck just 'anyone', or maybe because you lack good judgement skills when it comes to discretion.

I'm 50/50 on this

On 1 hand...you need to make sure that you've sniffed out the guy & made sure he's not a threat/safety hazard to you 1st, let alone your own children.

It'd be torture & wrong to your children if you kept introducing them to a whole bunch of 'maybe's'

You should know for yourself how you feel about him 1st since YOU're the main 1 that would have to date him. You need to know how you feel 1st/see if he's good enough for you before you can decided whether or not he's good enough for your children

BUT...

On the other hand, I'm a big believer in not pursuing a relationship if your children suffer b/c of the relationship.

If your kids don't like your partner, that could be a huge problem & since your kids should always come 1st, that's a lose/lose battle regardless

So it kinda makes sense to make sure your kids are even ok with him 1st before you start getting too attached

That makes sense...put your life on hold for your children! Don't believe in that at all...one day they will walk out the door and not look back. Plus how many have tried to tell one of their own that their choice of partners wasn't a good choice? What was the result??

I am seeing this happen right now.

My ex's new lady is hated by one of my children and she has done everything to split them up even try and get the other two onside and almost did. I haven't heard anything that justifies my daughters actions and her dad continues seeing her.

In contrast, all my children love my partner and go into bat for him should we have issues. Even if they didn't feel this way towards him, I know him well enough to make the decision for myself. I see a good man and I see this by the way he is with his own children and people around him.

Of course if the children had any just cause, I would look into it firstly but I will not let them dictate who I see and spend my life with!

I have a friend that introduces her kids right away and it doesn't look all that great for the kids. Every relationship is headed toward the alter as far as she is concerned. She has her two children calling these men daddy and then a few months later she is on to the next one. It's not good for the children.

What I see the most in the dating scene is how people try to "hide" or "shield" their children from the person that they're dating. Now THAT'S a bad idea. Being upfront about having children is important. My thing is if you have children, don't change your routine for the man. He has to get used to the fact that he will have to deal with or be a part of their/your routine. Meaning, if you routinely take your kids to the park every Saturday or church on Sunday those activities shouldn't change just because you are in a relationship.

If you really see this relationship flourishing into something real then there shouldn't be a problem introducing your children. Not on the first date though.

Posted by CapGal
For casual dating or in the early stages of a relationship, it's a no-no for me. I am an adult and can handle kissing the frogs prior to meeting "the one'" however I see no reason why my children should be made to experience my kissing encounters.

I believe parents should be role models for their children and having a new partner around every 6 to 12 months or less, cannot be good example.

2 thumbs up!!

Posted by CapGal

If the guy is your SO then he should be having a relationship with your children, even if it is limited. He should have already met them and have spent some time with them.

Indeed

Furthermore, I think people tend to overlook a very important component to this scenario = children actually WANT to feel like a part of the family, and if a parent neglects to make them feel that way, then this child will react in spite of the parent.

If you have a partner that you regard high enough to be you SO and you do NOT introdue them to the children, and the kids find out you have an SO that you care for greatly .... they will resent you, because you are suppose to be a part of their family .. which means you are suppose to share people important enough to have your heart.

Just because they are children, doesn't mean they don't deserve respect.

Posted by CapGal

I believe parents should be role models for their children and having a new partner around every 6 to 12 months or less, cannot be good example.

Unfortunately, parents like that expose their kids to all kinds of things they shouldn't witness .... have a new daddy every 6 months seems less emotionally harmful than a couple who stays together and fights (hatefully) in front of the children saying horrible things to and about each other.

Kids love both of thier parents, so any horrible thing said is like a knife in the gut.

A new daddy every 6 months would mean there is no emotional attachment, so if mommy calls daddy #574 a fucking bastard, then the kids really won't be damaged in any way, emotionally.

They may suffer detachment issues because of not having a present father .... but, face the reality here .. dad is already fucking gone for mommy to have new boyfriends all the time, so the kid is already fucked up from losing daddy, if the point of the arguement here is that it's not beneficial to kid to have a new man in it's life.

In fact, that ^^^^^ is the definitive answer to this equation, isn't it?


If the child has an active father in it's life .. then it doesn't matter if mommy has a new boyfriend every month ... if the point of this thread is to say convey that it's wrong for a child to have a father-figure .. because he already has a fucking father.



So, for a person to even have this issue to worry about means their child does NOT have their father in their lives .. so try on addressing the right issue here.


Why doesnt' your child have a father?


If the father was present and active .... then this wouldn't exist, because it wouldn't be an issue.

Posted by P-Angel
I see no reason why a guy can't be introduced to the kids right away.

Certainly, there are male adults in thier lives ... family members and friends.

If you are fucking the guy, then you must trust him and are serious enough about him to open your legs. So, why can't he meet the kids? Doesn't mean you have to grab his dick and say ... he's my man, kids, MINE.

Why can't he be a friend? They don't have to know you're fucking him, they don't have to be present when you cuddle on the couch.


If you are fucking a man, but don't trust him enough to meet your kids ... then you're the one fucked up and you should be the one they need to not be exposed to.

i absolutely agree with this and it's my rule of thumb before introducing my kids to anyone. like p says, it doesn't have to be like...kids, meet your new stepfather...but i think it's really important to see how someone you're in a relationship with or just fucking on a regular basis interacts with your kids cos if it goes on to become a long term thing, it's less of a shock on the kids. obviously it depends on their ages...mine are 13 and 16 and so it's slightly different.

my daughter knows i go out with guys and rather than her think a sexual relationship is something that should be conducted in secret (lest she goes on to do the same), i introduce anyone i think i'll see again although i don't mention if we're having sex or not as it's not relevant to my kids and i don't want to gross them out either. i am also very protective of my kids but i'm just as protective of myself and so i trust my instincts in this regard.

it doesn't matter if you're a social person or not. everyone is entitled to a loving adult relationship.

in my case, as with plenty of others who were married, my ex-husband finally left to be with someone else who already had 2 kids from a previous relationship. they moved in together. both my kids were introduced to her very quickly and it was hard for them to meet the woman who took their father away from them...let alone refer to her as stepmother. but they did. they had no choice.

why is it always the parent who has custody of kids after a divorce or separation who is supposed to put their love lives on hold. what am i supposed to be protecting my kids from....the truth that i am a woman—

so rather than sneak around seeing someone without my kids knowledge until such times as it will inevitably be a shock that i was seeing someone at all, if i like someone enough to sleep with him, i will introduce him to my kids.

i'm not promiscuous and i don't have one night stands....if i did, i would defintely keep that quiet as i have a daughter.

Posted by CapGal
If the guy is your SO then he should be having a relationship with your children, even if it is limited. He should have already met them and have spent some time with them. Why would you want to waste time with a guy who is totally turned off by kids in general or your kids in particular? For casual dating or in the early stages of a relationship, it's a no-no for me. I am an adult and can handle kissing the frogs prior to meeting "the one'" however I see no reason why my children should be made to experience my kissing encounters.

I believe parents should be role models for their children and having a new partner around every 6 to 12 months or less, cannot be good example.

Yep...I agree especially with the key word S/O and not fuck buddy.

Posted by Love366

Yep...I agree especially with the key word S/O and not fuck buddy.

Read the OP .... it appears that some people responded while thinking of a random men.

This topic isn't about any ole dick a woman happened to accidently fall upon.



Seriously, people need to get real here .... it is talking about an SO = which SHOULD equate to = mommy has already decided he was worth her.

OK, got ya.

i still think you should introduce them to your kids before they become significant. if you wait until you feel a man is 'significant' enough and you introduce him as your partner, it's like telling your kids to like it or lump it and it leaves them confused and resentful.

i personally want my kids to be more proactive in making that decision with me. they're my responsibility and on that basis, i come as a package to any man i date. if i like him, i want to see him with my kids. i want my kids to get to know him and make it known to me that they're comfortable with my choice of partner.

this is mostly because i saw how alienated they became from their father initially....my daughter's heartbreak that he had another daughter now and lived with her and my son anxious about the state he'd left me in.

kids shouldn't be forced to deal with radical changes in their lives on a shock happening basis. they need to be guided through change at their own speed.

i don't get what the problem is in introducing any amount of men as a 'friend'....on a day out or at the park..on neutral territory. it's a different matter about when you have them first stayover but again, that should just develop naturally, ensuring all the time that your kids are ok with it all.

R1??_I am a little slow on the uptake and I would like to know more about how you go about things. From what I read that you wrote, when a parent meets someone they should introduce their kids right away whether they are fuck buddies or not?

I mean, sort of like??_yea, I met this guy yesterday kids and I want you guys to meet him because I think he is great. So, hey guy here are my kids and kids here is my guy. Or, do you wait until the 2nd or 3rd date?

You wait until YOU KNOW they are a person you want to develop feelings for.


I agree with you, Roxi and it's what I was alluding to yesterday .... by virtue of kids being a part of the family, they want to actually participate in that, as well. If mother loves a man to the point that she's hearing wedding bells in the near future and NEVER told the children ... they are going to be resentful, and react in spite of him, even if he's a good guy.

yeah...p said it all 🙂

love366: what i'm saying is that you should know when the time is right to introduce someone to your kids just like you should know when the time is right for you to have sex with them. there is no 2nd, 3rd or any amount of date 'formula' as to when, it's more HOW you introducr him that matters. i don't understand why you have to explain the nature of your relationship with someone to your child when you're just introducing them. so why not introduce them as a 'friend' or 'someone i've just met'...be honest about it! you don't have to qualify anything by saying you think he's great cos that implies he's stepfather material and so he will be viewed in that way by your kids. if you do it when you're out with your kids...say arrange to meet him at the beach, park, whatever and then it's not all taking place in your home which will also threaten your kids feelings of security.

if you make a big deal of it, the kids will feel pressure to like him no matter how they feel about the situation. if you just introduce him slowly and in a social setting that is comfortable for your kids, there shouldn't be a problem.

i've been divorced 4 years and my son has met a guy i was seeing and my daughter another. i don't see either man any more but my kids weren't traumatised by meeting them and didn't lose any respect for me as i had simply introduced them as friends of mine anyway.

i choose not to have sex with anyone when my kids are in the house because i don't think that is appropriate until a relationship is very established. my kids tell me it makes them feel uncomfortable when they stay with their father and he shares a bed with their stepmother. anyway, i don't think i would feel comfortable either even if i have got a lock on the door!!

Posted by P-Angel
You wait until YOU KNOW they are a person you want to develop feelings for.

Nice and simple??_thanks.

@R1...now I understand where you??re coming from.

We are both single parents with one child so this is going to be interesting. I love this topic and it helped me with decisions I need to make.

Thanks 😄

you're most welcome. actually i have 2 kids. my son is 16 and he moved back to the uk last september to concentrate on his sports career. he lives with his father and new step family. i live in spain with my 13 year old daughter...so effectively, we're in the same boat 🙂

i find it particularly hard to even date people very often as my daughter doesn't often go on sleepovers as she prefers to have her friends sleepover with us and i can't really afford childcare. if i do like someone and i want to spend more time with them, i have no choice but to introduce them to my daughter otherwise, i would barely see them at all.

the dating part of a relationship is all about getting to know someone and if you have children, they must be part of that process and so i don't see how any relationship can progress to becoming significant if that has not been the case.

btw, if a woman is multiple dating or dating in quick succession...what possible reputation does she think she will get? and what excuses would she be giving her children for her continued absences to carry on this life style ? or maybe she's conducting this at home. either way, i would consider that to be negligence and that her children should be placed into care.

Kids aren't stupid or as naive as we often think they are. Think back to your childhood days when you knew/found out stuff your parents had no idea you knew. 20+ year later, kids are even more advanced in knowledge.


Agree with this^^^

My daughter had put up on fb that I was on my 3rd date with my man ( I chose to introduce him before it) and a couple of comments from her friends were...3rd date they are surely fucking! So even if your own children see one thing their more worldly friends will gladly give them new perspective!

All in all each individual knows their own children and can work out when and how is the best time to introduce a SO into their lives. I grew up knowing a few men in my mothers life and I didn't like it so was more cautious with my own children.

Posted by sweethearts
Kids aren't stupid or as naive as we often think they are. Think back to your childhood days when you knew/found out stuff your parents had no idea you knew. 20+ year later, kids are even more advanced in knowledge.


Agree with this^^^

My daughter had put up on fb that I was on my 3rd date with my man ( I chose to introduce him before it) and a couple of comments from her friends were...3rd date they are surely fucking! So even if your own children see one thing their more worldly friends will gladly give them new perspective!

All in all each individual knows their own children and can work out when and how is the best time to introduce a SO into their lives. I grew up knowing a few men in my mothers life and I didn't like it so was more cautious with my own children.

hahahah!!! i like this!! it's also very true. you should never under-estimate what your kids know. also, i believe that if you keep things from your kids, they will keep things from you.

kids always keep things from their parents no matter how much you try to keep the lines open. a child NEVER wants to disappoint their parents and they have their own perception on what WE will feel is disappointment. that's life!!

Posted by sweethearts
kids always keep things from their parents no matter how much you try to keep the lines open. a child NEVER wants to disappoint their parents and they have their own perception on what WE will feel is disappointment. that's life!!

They don't always keep things from their parents. Well at least my daughter doesn't . She is 9 years old and she is a little private investigator. Even if I don't give her any clues, she's on to me. When I started talking on the phone to my current boyfriend she knew tons of stuff! She asked me why when I spoke on the phone with him, did I the light shine in my eyes, LoL. Then there was a note on the kitchen table that she wrote on her little tablet that said "You love (name here)" before I told her that I was going on dates with him. I love her so much. She's so smart but sometimes I'm like, man!

She's 9 and still a babe...

^^^^^Do you mean to say that when she gets older she will begin to keep things like this from me?

I personally don't think children should be introduced until the both of you are extremely serious about each-other, not just you about him, or him about you, but a mutual thing. Not sure before or after you consider yourselves a couple, but I think it should all involve a lot of time.

I talk to my sister about this. My niece is only three, and my sister isn't "out there" but I still want her to hold back on bringing people around my niece.

It's easy to talk to someone for months, and think you like them, only to find out that it's not going to work. Then you meet someone else or date other people, and the process happens all over again. Before you know it, your child has seen 3-4 different guys in a year. I just personally think it's all too much, but that's just me.

Even with my family, I don't care to meet any of their "friends" until they are serious about them.

Posted by Capriquoise
If I ever was involved with anyone, I wouldnt involve my kids in that relationship til the kids have grown up and got lives themselves then I will involve them. Its safer that way. Men are fuckwits and theres no way i would ever let my kids know anyone except their father (whos the best mum and dad in the world to them). So for me I forego the relationship shit and let my family be a family til they have grown and have minds of there own. Theres noone from my part or life who I would want to know my kids except myex.

My mom was the same way and I'm very thankful for her making that choice...Of course she didn't have to do that for us but she felt it was her responsibility to raise us up first, she had the same similar feelings/thoughts as you.

Posted by PlanetMercuryGirl
^^^^^Do you mean to say that when she gets older she will begin to keep things like this from me?

worse. my daughter is 13 in a couple of weeks. she always used to tell me everything but now boys are in the equation, she's not telling me everything. she's not actively dating obviously...still at the age where 'boyfriend' is just a term and nothing more, lol.

thing is though, she's still on to me!! i have absolutely no secrets no matter how hard i try but she picks up on miniscule things.

but the additional element which makes it worse than when she was around the age of 9 is that she has become JUDGEMENTAL, lol.

which is why i have to be open about seeing anyone because when she starts on me, we have to have very frank discussions. i would rather not have to be so open but i'm concerned that if she thinks i have secrets, that it's ok for her to have secrets too.

my son is the opposite and tells me way too much. i literally had to put my hands over my ears when he started giving me the details of him losing his virginity, LOL. the only trouble i have with him is that there is not a man alive good enough for me 🙂

^^^^That's really sweet of your son. The protective young man. I think that it's great that he is so open with you. If I were in that situation I wouldn't let him know that anything that he tells me erks me because I don't want him to change his approach. Girls.....I am just waiting to see what my daughter is going to be up to. It's like a quiet storm waiting to erupt. She is too smart for her own good. One time I asked her if she wanted me to be happy and what she would think if I were to get into a relationship. She told me that yes, she wanted me to be happy but not without her biological father. She said that it would make HIM sad. I just about melted!

Posted by PlanetMercuryGirl
^^^^^Do you mean to say that when she gets older she will begin to keep things like this from me?

Oh hell yeah!! My 3 girls all kept me up with the play until they started high school and then they kept more to their friends...I still get filled in on the important things but communication with teenagers becomes harder as they really don't want to disappoint their mums and dads so they are selective in what they tell you.

As parents though I can tell you, we all wear Rose coloured glasses and it's hard to hear some truths!

i had to cover my ears when my son was giving me the details cos it was just toooo gross, lol. we changed it to a metaphor instead and so it became about a car journey. i asked him how many girls he had taken on a car ride and he said 6. i then asked how many he had reached the final destination with and he said 2 (i felt nauseous but continued). i asked if he was wearing a seat belt and he said 'yeah, that's why i borrowed ?

^^^You know how some people say that they cannot wait for their child to turn 18 so that they can move out and take care of themselves? I dread the day. I have to be okay with my child going out into the world and living and learning on her own. I hope that she remembers what I've told her. I know that sometimes children have to go through things and then finally come to the realization that what momma said was actually true and for their own good. My daughter tells me that I think that I'm always right so I have taken the time to listen to what she has to say and I am more understanding. It is a learning process for the both of us. It's like the Agents of socialization, the family category when children learn from their parents and parents learn from their children. It's all intriguing and scary at the same time. I try to remain calm and pretend that I'm not shocked by anything so that she will continue to talk to me openly. I don't want that to change but I know it will.

Posted by sweethearts

Posted by PlanetMercuryGirl
^^^^^Do you mean to say that when she gets older she will begin to keep things like this from me?

Oh hell yeah!! My 3 girls all kept me up with the play until they started high school and then they kept more to their friends...I still get filled in on the important things but communication with teenagers becomes harder as they really don't want to disappoint their mums and dads so they are selective in what they tell you.

As parents though I can tell you, we all wear Rose coloured glasses and it's hard to hear some truths!

click to expand

Uh uh! I don't wear rose colored glasses. I don't even want a pair. I've seen how some parents don't think that their children can do any wrong. I am not that parent. I ask questions so that things are fair and I listen to my daughter and make sure she gets her whole story out loud and clear. I want her to know that I am listening. I ask her questions daily so that I can stay on it. I hope that I am doing the best that I can but everyday is a learning process.