married your best friend

what if you married your best friend who makes you laugh, shares in every responsibility, wonderful father, provides financially, treats me like I'm the love of his life...(of course, he still gets on my nerves at times, but overall, any woman would LOVE to have him) BUT I have no sexual desire for him. I mean, we have sex, but it's always because I have to remind myself that it's my job and that he is worthy of sex..or either i find myself super horny and anyone would do...but overall, i am not thinking of him in sexual ways or dying for him to get home so i can jump his bones...Now let me say this...I have sexual desires, just not for him. and i want to have those feelings for him, but he's like a best friend...not a lover. i will also admit that at times i contemplate when and how i could leave, if ever...everyone would think i was crazy as hell for giving him up. and i dont know what the hell i would be looking for in a man that i dont already have except for a hot sex life. BUT still i daydream about leaving him for someone i'm passionate about.
is this normal or fucked up or what? he's pisces, i'm aries. please advise.

ever, idk about saying "i'm just not sexually attracted to you." i have talked to him about sex but never said those words exactly. i figured it would be too painful and i'd never be able to retract it and he'd never forget it no matter what. doncha think?
and i dont feel i am using him for worldly benefits exactly. i contribute as much as he does to the marriage ... i think if anything, i might use the situation for "security" and to have a good home for our children.
i appreciate you taking the time to respond.
but how do you make yourself sexually attracted to someone. i do love him. but i do miss having passion for someone.

capgal, yes, i too feel my husband gives way more than he is getting. thing is, he doesnt mind one damn bit. he's as happy as a pig in shit. and kinda similar, i married my husband 14 years ago after a devasting break up...so he was "rebound" guy.
and i'm not looking for sympathy or anything..just any advice anyone cares to offer..lord, let me make that clear!

and it kinda makes you feel like a piece of crap that you don't feel the same "feelings" that they feel for you. but i swear if i could i would and my marriage would be bliss! but does that even exist? do you always trade out one thing for another? and if i had a marriage full of passion, would i then be bitching about other stuff? sometimes i think i'm too hard to please and that maybe i should be single. i wonder if i'm cut out for marriage. should i just have several men in my life...each one filling a need/desire i have? damn that sounds bad.

Posted by everevolvingepithet

Posted by txtbukariesgirl
ever, idk about saying "i'm just not sexually attracted to you." i have talked to him about sex but never said those words exactly. i figured it would be too painful and i'd never be able to retract it and he'd never forget it no matter what. doncha think?
and i dont feel i am using him for worldly benefits exactly. i contribute as much as he does to the marriage ... i think if anything, i might use the situation for "security" and to have a good home for our children.
i appreciate you taking the time to respond.
but how do you make yourself sexually attracted to someone. i do love him. but i do miss having passion for someone.

You can't make yourself sexually attracted to someone, and I think you're confusing love with the 'security' aspect of your posts.
You wouldn't like to find out someone was doing this to you I presume, and I'll also hazard a guess that you wouldn't approach the situation that this is something that's 'ok' to do to another. But then again given the set up, I can see your need for self preservation.
For some but not for me, hence the need for a curt solution. I didn't mean blatantly say to him what I typed, but something that points in that direction seems like the right thing to do imo.

click to expand

^^^

i feel compelled to say that it wasnt this way when we got married. things were sexually "fine" for a year. at that point, he suffered a head injury (among other things)from a motor vehicle accident. it took him years, i'd say 5, to fully recover. i'm a nurse and, of course, was his total support system.
it's hard to ever go back to that "sexual" relationship we had. idk. things just changed. when you physically take care of someone for a while, the dynamic changes somehow.
he loves me unconditionally and i'm full aware of how hard that is to find. i love him...i just dont know if it's the right kind of love. or if i'm just being immature and need to realize that this is a small price to pay to be with someone i truly love being with...except in the sack...and as a good friend.

and i dont wanna hurt him. the accident wasn't his fault. it wasnt anything he asked for. not his fault that everything in our lives changed.

Communication.
I'm sure he would rather you tell him you need some spice,than to lose you altogether.
I think perhaps if you would explore some new sexual experiences together...even beginning with your fantasies,you might begin to see him in a new light.
you have to help him change the image you have of him in your head back from a dependent/patient to a virile man.
most men,and I'm sure he is no exception...would be happy to oblige 😉
but he has to know and understand his mission first.
Real love,is hard to find.

Take a look around these boards for a while, and you will find plenty of women who were lustful and passionately took the man that they couldn' bare to live without ..... these same women are miserable .. stuck in a relationship that has little, if any communication, no respect, no trust, no future.

I can actually relate.

You had said that at one time, the sexual chemistry was there .. so, it can be there again. Sex is psychological, you know ... you have to think dirty thoughts about him, to get yourself to desire him. Even just one little naughty thought at a time is a start.

Maybe someone should make a video, like a step by step video .. and it be two people showing how to make love, how to caress each other, how to get each other aroused.

Not porn ..... rather, soft and loving.



HHhhhhhmmmmmm .........

1. Leaving him may hurt him, BUT him finding out that you stayed for all the WRONG reasons will hurt him even MORE, trust me.

2. Atleast you're being honest about things. You're not pretending to be happy. It just is what it is. Just like you can't help who you're in love with or who you love, you also can't help who you're NOT in love with or who you don't love.

3. If you feel that the problems in your marriage aren't fixable, then yes you should spare your partner & get out of the relationship. Only you know if the problems are fixable & if they aren't, there's no use in you staying married to what this man can do for you vs. who he really is

4. Who cares about whether or not outsiders will criticize you for leaving. They are NOT the ones in the relationship with him.

5. If he loves you as unconditionally as you say, he'd be ok (not thrilled, but atleast ok) with you putting your happiness 1st, EVEN IF that means you exiting the relationship.

6. Put yourself in his shoes. If you were him & if you knew that your partner wasn't happy and/or in love with you, would you honestly want them to forfeit their happiness? You can still love AND respect someone & yet end a relationship with them, the same way 2 people can love/respect eachother & not even be together yet.

7. I'm hoping that your husband knows how you feel about things, even if just a little bit. If he knows, he'll have the opportunity to try to fix things. If not, he'll be even more hurt if/when you leave, especially if you've never before communicated to him your issues.

8. Everyone is different. Some people can put aside their marital issues if they know that their problems are only temporary, but it sounds like the issues you're having will never go away until perhaps you're out of the relationship. In that case, you have to put your happiness 1st. Doesn't mean that you love your husband any less, but that being in a relationship where 1 or both people aren't happy completely DEFEATS the purpose of the relationship to begin with

9. Not everybody prioritizes sex like you do, but that's besides the point since you DO! If that's important to you, it'd be wrong for me or anyone to tell you to minimize the importance of something that you feel is very important. If a non-existent or slightly faulty sex life is something you absolutely cannot handle, that's fine. Don't feel bad for putting such importance on something just b/c others may not like you do. To some, lack of affection can kill a relationship even if everything else is in order/right. It is what it is.

10. Eventually, you not being happy will be very obvious to him. It may be easy for you to fake the funk now, but I guarantee you that going another 5 years like this will be difficult if not damn near impossible. It's best that you leave now instead of allowing your unhappiness consume you, fester & cause you to start resenting him and the relationship. Once a person starts resenting the relationship, they'll naturally start treating their partner differently. What you DON'T want to happen is for you 2 to end up on horrible terms later all b/c you stayed when you 2 really could've ended off on good terms b/c you left now.

11. However, marriage is about having the ability & willpower to fall in love with the other person over & over again. There will be some rough patches & even times when some "things" are "temporarily out of order" if you know what I mean!? Sometimes you've got to sacrifice/compromise your own happiness just to save the marriage, while other times you've got to let go, especially if you're unhappy for extremely long periods of time. You're NOT doing him any favors by staying.

@bella...it's not that i don't know how to be "spicy". it's just that being "spicy" with him doesnt feel right.
@p-angel...maybe i could start with a single thought like you said. again, it's not that i dont know how to have good "porn" sex...it's that the thought of having it with him doesnt really cross my mind.
@krys...i absolutely love that you put so much thought into your posts and appreciate it so so much. however, in this case, i can't afford to be so selfish about "my feelings and my happiness" because my children's comes first. also, i did say he loves me unconditionally, BUT, i can assure you he wouldnt just let me go with an "ok, babe, i just want you to be happy and if you're not happy, well then toot a loo"...i said he loved me unconditionally, but maybe i was wrong...cause he does mean for me to be with him. it makes him happy and yes, his happiness is important to him...hmmm...i'm pondering that.
thanks everyone for your thoughts/words.

I'm sure you've heard folks say 1,000 times that staying for the kids is NEVER the best option. And alot of the people who say this have been through what you're going through & can testify that sacrificing your own happiness is NOT ever a good idea, especially not for long extended periods of time.

On 1 hand, yes children love to be raised in a household where there are 2 parents who love eachother (and if not love, atleast respect eachother)

However, staying primarily for the kids teaches them that you sacrifice your own happiness for long periods of time & that's not necessarily a good thing to teach childen, especially in this day & age. Kids primarily learn about love & relationships from their parents; kids aren't dumb. They may grow up thinking that it's ok to put everyone else's happiness before their own & that mindset can lead to disaster in more ways than 1

A family can still be a "family" even if both parents split.

I'm sure your husband would be devestated if you told him how you were really feeling, but inevitably, it's NOT fair to you that you have to spend the rest of your life in a relationship and/or in a state of unhappiness.

I'm sure he'd be mad in the moment (temporarily) but eventually, he'd get his head clear & hopefully realize that he can't possibly enjoy a relationship that consists of 1 person being in love while the other person is damn near repulsed. I'm sure he wouldn't want you only staying with him b/c you feel sorry for him or feel you're doing him a favor.

I think you should try communicating with him about how you're feeling. He may be upset, embarrassed, devesated, crush, etc. BUT nothing beats a wife who had enough love & respect for her partner to be honest just for the sake of being honest, even if there is no gain or applause after "the talk."

And if things don't change or if you're BOTH not dedicating to trying to tweak things a little to make this work, then I think it'd be best for you 2 to part ways. Not necessarily immediately, BUT atleast before things get bad (which is inevitable if you keep staying in an unhappy situation)

Sounds like she's mentally/emotionally disconnected from the relationship altogether, therefore she has no incentive sexually to spice things up.

Her primary issue may have been taht the sex just isn't what it used to be, but now it seems moreso that she's fallen out of love with him. And if that's the case, all the "spicy sex" in the world may not change that or help salvage the relationship. A person's gotta want to desire/crave the other person 1st.

I could never feel sexual about a male friend. I have very few (They are all gay too) I don't really like men as friends so I don't blame you for not feeling sexual.

But your married so I guess that complicates things.

meh,forget it.

ok, no disrespect here at all...but i dont think i'm disconnected mentally or physically (sexually, yes) and nor did i ask should i leave him... i thought i was clear, but just in case i wasnt, i love spending time with my husband, have a good time with him, enjoy having him as a partner, even love sleeping with him at night (cuddling)...he really does treat me like his queen. he puts me first, always.....as annoying as that sounds.
i think i really wanted to know if this was normal...do people usually trade one thing for another? how many people have the complete package?
but finally, just by reading all the comments on dxp, maybe i'd much rather have what i have with no passion than some guy who treats me like shit but we have hot sex together. i think i've decided to just work on my issue and try to put him back in "husband" position instead of "someone i took care of" and "best friend" position.
especially you krys...just hearing the words outloud (kinda) that i should leave him for this reason and that reason...it made me realize that no, i shouldnt. thanks a million! tweaking is what i'm gonna do. if nothing else, the responses i received made me wanna work on things instead of griping about them.
thanks to all.

I'm glad to hear that.did you read what I said before I hid it?I hid it just because I wasn't sure anyone was getting what I was saying,and I'm not in the mood to argue.but I guess you get it,or at least it sounds like it.
and is it normal....well yes and no.the longer you are married,and the more used to each other you are...the less exciting most people become to one another.BUT,if the relationship is close and strong,it is made up for in other ways.
I think your role as nurse had a hand in it also,but I still think it can be fixed. 😉

Posted by txtbukariesgirl
. i will also admit that at times i contemplate when and how i could leave, if ever...everyone would think i was crazy as hell for giving him up. and i dont know what the hell i would be looking for in a man that i dont already have except for a hot sex life. BUT still i daydream about leaving him for someone i'm passionate about.
.

Well I'm only going off of what you said. You said you contemplated leaving him before, which lead me to believe that your sexual issues with him WERE big enough that leaving was even an option. Some people can substitute, others can't or refuse to, especially after long periods of time.

There's no doubt that an unhappy/unhealthy sex life absolutely CAN lead to a "disconnection" from the relationship mentally, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically. It's just that some people argue whether a sex life (or lack thereof) should even have THAT much power to make/break things.

And it's obvious that sex is THAT important to you, that you've even contemplated leaving. I was just saying that you wouldn't necessarily be wrong for contemplating such a thing, especially if what you're lacking means alot to you (even if it may not to others or even if others disagree that it shouldn't matter so much). A person can't help what they want or what they consider important.

In your case, communication will probably really help. If it doesn't & if things continually stay the same, then what? Can you really swallow/accept the hard pill that the way your sex life is now is how it might ALWAYS be? (That's a very real possibility)

krys, thank you so much for your responses. they've made me think alot about what i'm ready to and not to do. i can't answer your "then what?" question, just yet. and i know it's a very real possiblility that things might not get better. but i gotta try really really hard so that i'll know i've done everything for everyone's sake involved. so far, i've not really worked on the issue. i've just said "it is what it is" and dealt with it.

I think you're on the right track. It's great that you've recognized that you haven't exhausted all your options. Giving up should NEVER be the 1st resort in a marriage; it should be the last resort.

There are 1 million things you can do to tweak your "options." Some may work, others may not. BUT you're right, if you do end up walking away, I'd hope it was because you literally did all you could do 1st. There's nothing like knowing that you gave your all or atleast did your part before you finally gave up. You're no longer considered a "quitter" if you've tried 1 million times.

Hopefully this time next year, your "update" will be awesome! Who knows, next year you might create a post bragging about how much of a mandingo warrior your guy has become! =P Wait & watch! Sometimes it's all about changing your perspective, attitude and/or shifting priorities that can change/fix things moreso than actually physically doing things differently

Good luck girlie! Keep that man! He loves you to pieces!

I didn't read the whole entire thing, but maybe you need to spice things up? I don't know if it would work.. but maybe its worth a try? Were you EVER attracted to him?

http://www.ivillage.com/20-ways-spice-your-sex-life/4-a-283583


Maybe he needs a makeover? Seriously, some of the littlest things can make the biggest difference. Dork to supermodel...

^^^^LMAO LMAO LMAO!!!

my husband is very handsome. but thanks for the advice and jokes.

the first dude .... looks better before the make over, lol